Love is a Choice. Choose Love.
Ding-ding. Is that mine? Bzzzz. Whose is that? Hardly five minutes go by before someone checks their phone or smartwatch. Even the vibration mode or a screen lighting up can feel as disruptive as a ringtone left on. We live in a day and age where our phones dictate our lives. I am guilty. You probably are, too.
This technology trap is worldwide, even in developing countries. My neighbors who live in a tent without running water have finagled enough electricity to charge their smartphones. This technology phenomenon is not just an annoyance in my personal life. The constant attachment to phones is causing critical detachment from other things. This is what Dr. Jonathon Haidt addresses in his book The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.
Haidt addresses the rise in mental health issues among Generation Z since 2010. He correlates this increase with the widespread introduction of smartphones to adolescents at the same time.[1] This has been further amplified by protective parenting and the gradual decline of childhood free play, creative physical play that uses imagination, interactions with others, and taking risks since the 1980s. The author claims that “overprotection in the real world and underprotection in the virtual world” are the main reasons those born after 1995 are the anxious generation.[2] Haidt explores the serious effects and harms caused by these factors on the well-being of children. Recommendations are given to help recalibrate free play and smartphones to a healthier balance than what society currently has. As a medical provider, I was most intrigued by the psychophysiological effects of phone use on anxiety.
The Anxious Generation highlights four “foundational harms” of children using phones. Two of these are in the DSM-5 diagnosis for anxiety: sleep deprivation[3] and attention fragmentation.[4] The other two “harms” of phone use, social deprivation[5] and addiction[6] are indirectly linked to anxiety. Generalized anxiety disorder is defined as “excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).”[7] According to DSM-5, there need to be at least three of the following symptoms present more often than not over a period of six months:
- Restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge
- Being easily fatigued
- Difficulty concentrating or mind going blank
- Irritability
- Muscle tension
- Sleep disturbance (difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless unsatisfying sleep)[8]
Since 2010, when smartphones were first introduced, there has been a significant and steady increase in diagnosed anxiety among those under fifty years old. The percentage of the population experiencing anxiety proportionately increases as the age groups get younger.[9] Depression, the second leading cause of mental health illness, has also increased since 2010.[10] Looking at the DSM-5 definition of generalized anxiety disorders, my own smartphone use has caused all of these symptoms for me, although thankfully not enough for an actual diagnosis. Still, it is easy to see how and why Generation Z is the anxious generation.
However, Dr. John Delony, in Building a Non-Anxious Life, argues that excessive phone use is just one factor. At the heart of today’s anxiety crisis is something deeper: loneliness.[11] Loneliness is related to anxiety because it divides the world into “us and them.”[12] Both Delony and Haidt contribute excessive phone use as a significant factor causing loneliness and anxiety. We are replacing human connection with technology.[13] Haidt suggests how to reduce phone use in society and tools for parents. Delony recommends how individuals can choose connection and love to combat anxiety.
Delony delves into the primary deep-heart issue behind anxiety: a need for love. “The foundation and core of a non-anxious life are based on a single premise: You are fully seen, heard, and known, and you are still loved. And you fully know others and choose to love them too.”[14] Haidt attributes this longing for connection as a ‘God-shaped hole’—a deep human need for love and connection. This longing for connection points to a deeper truth that Scripture has long addressed, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” True security and peace come not from constant digital connection, but from real relationships—with others and especially with God.
Haidt and Delony both provide practical solutions to our anxious society. At its core, the true path to a non-anxious life is love—real, intentional, self-giving love. Jesus modeled this love, calling us to move beyond fear and into connection. By putting down our phones and choosing to connect with others, we are not just improving mental health; we are living out our God-orchestrated design for love and relationship.
[1] Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (New York, NY: Penguin Press, 2024). 3-4.
[2] Haidt, 9.
[3] Haidt, 123.
[4] Haidt, 125.
[5] Haidt, 120.
[6] Haidt, 129.
[7] “DSM-IV to DSM-5 Generalized Anxiety Disorder Comparison,” NIH: National Library of Medicine (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US), 2016), https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t15/.
[8]“DSM-IV to DSM-5 Generalized Anxiety Disorder Comparison.”
[9] Haidt, 27.
[10] Haidt, 26.
[11] Dr. John Delony, Building a Non-Anxious Life (Franklin, TN: Ramsey Press, 2023), 103.
[12] Delony, 107.
[13] Delony, 111; Haidt, 168.
[14] Delony, 113.
About the Author
Kari
Kari is a passionate follower of Jesus. Her journey with Him currently has her living in the Sahara in North Africa. With over a decade of experience as a family nurse practitioner and living cross-culturally, she enjoys being a champion for others. She combines her cross-cultural experience, her health care profession, and her skills in coaching to encourage holistic health and growth. She desires to see each person she encounters walk in fullness of joy, fulfilling their God-designed purpose. “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12 ESV14 responses to “Love is a Choice. Choose Love.”
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Kari,
In the class designed for first year students, I discuss technology and give them statistics such as there are more people in the world who have cell phones than toilets. Speaking of toilets, I tell them the story of the woman who fell headfirst into a pit toilet trying to retrieve her phone that she had dropped. Are we so attached to our phone or is it the cost of the phone that we would be willing to fall into a pit toilet to retrieve it?
I agree loneliness is a huge issue in our world today. I wonder about our ability to use apps on our phones to actually combat loneliness such as texting or video conferencing. Do the benefits outweigh the harm? As a society as we able to balancing the use of the phone or is the dopamine hit too strong?
Jeff, I have seen those pit toilets and have wondered more than once what I would do if my phone or something else went in! Phones and TVs here are prioritized over running water and fridges.
You ask great questions. Texting has helped me stay in touch with some of my closest friends and family. It is easier to send them a text (perhaps in the middle of their night) and know they can and will respond when they have time. My niece’s 7th birthday is tomorrow. We will be having an “aunt-niece” tea party over FaceTime to celebrate. These things have helped make my face-to-face time with them easier. The littlest nieces and nephews have not had any problems warming up to me in person because I’m a known face/voice from their mommy’s phone! When I first moved here in 2013, technology was not advanced enough for that to happen. I am thankful for the advances and I also wonder if it is possible to find a healthy balance.
Hi Kari, I like your connection to Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want to read that over the summer break. I think that Haidt touches on loneliness when he talks about the God Shaped hole that humans have, though I feel sad that he is missing the best way to fill it with God’s love. When you find that your phone time is more than ideal, what steps do you take to modify your usage so that you have YOU time too? For me I tell myself before I start doing something on line how much time I have. Simple but that’s me.
Diane, I definitely recommend the book. It is easy to read and has some great practical (and medically sound) steps. I like his podcast and his advice is nicely summarized in the book. For my phone use, I have started setting an alarm for myself to help limit time online. I love planning for travel and can easily get caught up in (dream) travel plans for hours! The alarm helps with that. I set an alarm 10 minutes before I want to be done. I will snooze it once. That has been huge in allowing me to time to finish a task, stop a show at a commercial, etc.
Kari, great post from your medical perspective and with a Christ-centered background. This last week, I heard a pastor say, “if you have anxiety, it is simply because you don’t trust God enough.” I think the statement alone caused me more anxiety that day than anything else. I am leading a small group discussion this weekend regarding that sermon and I am going to need to walk a fine line. Any suggestions on how you walk the line of treating people medically, and also needing to trust Jesus through the challenging times?
Adam, One day, I may go on the road to educate ignorant Christians on mental health and spiritual implications. For now, I like using the diabetes analogy. Sorry for the long response—I’m very passionate about this.
Every human would benefit from following a whole-food diabetic diet (low carbs, lean protein, lots of veg, moderate fruit). Everyone should also have a healthy faith and trust in God for the best outcomes. It’s easier said than done.
Sometimes, our hormones are off–maybe due to our own life choices and sometimes due to genetics, often a combination of the two. This is true for diabetes and also anxiety, and other mental illness.
There are times when lifestyle changes are enough for mild anxiety learning techniques like breathing and redirecting your thoughts, praying, meditating, reading your Bible, being around people, etc. Other times you need medication to balance the hormones to get you to a place where you can make lifestyle choices (maybe just getting enough sleep to get off the flight-fight cycle).
In both diabetes (type 2) and mental health, many times when hormones are regulated with meds/lifestyle you can get to a healthy rhythm and start reducing pharmacological interventions.
As someone is sleeping better and can start to view life in a healthier way, it is easier to recognize triggers and areas where one is not trusting Jesus. It also becomes easier to take our thought-life captive.
In short, it is person-specific and situation specific, just like treating diabetes. Both include hormone imbalances and lifestyle choices (such as trusting God) that are different for each individual.
PS I’m going to guess that pastor struggles with anxiety but it is covered up with anger and pride. A counselor once told me you can experience anxiety and anger at the same time. Some people trade anxiety for anger.
…getting off my soapbox now!
Hi Kari, Did your phone just buzz? It’s me leaving a comment! Thank you for this post. I would like to touch a little bit on our context and loneliness. I can see how phone use could be a problem for people who work overseas if they are feeling lonely or homesick. It could also be a problem for their children, who don’t have many outdoor options. What constructive tips would you recommend to new overseas workers who might feel lonely and want to stay connected to the “familiar” through excessive phone use?
Elysse, My phone didn’t buzz because I have blog and peer group notifications MUTED!
You ask a great question! This is something I have thought about a lot, but have not really articultes it. One word is “intentionality.” Parents have to be intentional about getting their kids outside to play. They have to be creative–like the family who bought fake grass for their kids to have a soft play space outside. We have to be intentional to stay in touch with like giving people not living in our country. We must be equally intentional at building relationships, learning language and culture, and making friends here.
Specific to phones, I would say to “stay present.” When you are supposed to be language learning, visiting people, etc, text messages, social media, etc from non-related people can wait until you are at home alone. Loneliness can stem from other things (envy, grief, culture shock, etc) and being present in the moment can help combat that but helping you learn and grow.
Well fine, Kari, now I have another book to get. Lol!
Thanks for this great post. I’m wondering what your journey with technology – especially phones – has been like? Where have you had some “dips” and where do you feel you managed exceedingly well? And what are the implications of all this for Christian leadership?
Hi Debbie, You won’t regret adding the book. It is great and an easy, practical read. I’m a bit of a rebel when it comes to phones. I refused to pay for text messaging even with flip phones, so I didn’t text for years. I first got a smart phone in 2012 when I moved overseas. It was super helpful for maps and translation apps. Mauritania was quite a few years behind in technology so only within the past 5 years or so have we actually had good internet at home or on our phones. That has helped keep my dependency realistic and not excessive.
Recently, I have chosen to mute all notifications and remove any audible sounds on my phone. I set timers to help me stay on on a task before going on my phone to something else such as texts or emails. Where I struggle is finding a balance in responding to texts and emails in a realistic manner, not to the expectations of our “immediate response” culture. Some of that comes from a desire for people to feel heard and also fighting lies about not being a good communicator (a very high value for me).
As far as Christian leadership, see my response above to Elysse. Being intentional and present is essential for good leaders and in doing so, it may sometimes mean saying no or wait to texts and messages to be in the moment.
hi Kari, thanks for a great blog. One of the things I’ve been challenged with and thinking about a lot is “mindfulness” which might be the ability to be fully present to the moments we are in and the people we’re with. I’ve realized that I find it terribly difficult to be mindful.
The framing of this as “love” is important. You wrote, “By putting down our phones and choosing to connect with others, we are not just improving mental health; we are living out our God-orchestrated design for love and relationship.” How might we help teens think critically about their phones so that they might live a life of love?
Hi Graham, That is a great question. I think firstly, we need to model love and being present by putting away our phones. Second, teens are not yet adults and will need some teen-appropriate guidelines in limiting devices. Dr. Delony, who I quoted in my blog, has a no-phone rule at his house. All teens who come to hang out with their kids must deposit their phones in a basket by the front door. This was initially a challenge, but now teens look forward to coming and playing outside on their acreage and having this rule as an excuse not to have a phone. I love this concept that anyone can implement, even those who are not parents. Why not try it with adults, too?!
Hi Kari, I am curious about your experience in your country. A few questions come to mind: Do you see as much social media usage as in Western countries? Do kids get smartphones at young ages, or is it naturally more reserved for adults? Do you see any role as a health care provider to address any of these issues?
Christy, It is equally an issue here! It may look a bit different. Snapchat, TicToc, and Instagram are all the rage. It is rare to see teens without a phone and not taking selfies to post. In general, I think kids are getting phones in their teens. However, it is very common for a young child to have control of their parent’s phone. Yesterday, my friend had me call her phone to tell her 8-year-old to return the phone! Her 2-year-old knows plenty about the phone.
Clinically, I’ve seen significant anxiety in young girls around age 7 and up. I suspect phone use is a big issue. I plan to educate parents on the dangers of phone use and recommend some of Haight’s rules. It will be hard to implement because the culture is very attached to instant responses. It is not at all uncommon to be in an important meeting and have 3 people talking on their phones during the meeting.