Listening deeply. Building trust. Flourishing in life and ministry.
The assignment to read Camacho’s book, Mining for Gold, couldn’t have come at a better time for me.
After the feedback I received from the workshop last fall, as well as from both formal and informal conversations since then, I’ve pivoted a bit from where I started.
I’m passionate about discipleship and disciple-making in churches since my life was transformed when one person invited me into a discipling relationship. That’s what I thought my project would focus on.
But it became clear that the churches that would benefit most from this sort of focus don’t even have disciple-making on their radar. The key thing that keeps coming up instead? Pastor well-being (in other words, “burnout”). They can’t even begin to think about facilitating a culture change toward disciple-making until and unless the leader(s) are living balanced, joyful, flourishing lives.
So I’m shifting to exploring what coaching may be especially useful to pastors and other faith leaders so they can flourish in life and ministry. I love many of the coaching questions included in Comacho’s book; I will definitely be using/adapting many of them.
There are many themes and ideas that stuck out for me in Mining for Gold, but for this blogpost, let me focus on just two: listening and trust.
I’m extremely fortunate to be taking a class for graduates of the Renovare Institute for Spiritual Formation (I graduated a year and a half ago) called, “Being a Listening Presence in Everyday Life”. We’re reading a book a month (“meditatively” they suggest… in contrast to the book every 3 or 4 days for these classes! My husband thinks the dichotomy is very funny).
We recently read Nouwen’s Reaching Out which talks about listening as a gift of hospitality. This month we’re reading Anne Long’s Listening and she writes (p. 35), “Listening is footwashing ministry, in the first place to do with attitudes rather than skills – availability, compassion, belief in people – knowing from our own experience what being heard can do for us… Three images that, for me, describe the ministry of listening are gift, hospitality, and healing.” Listening well – deeply, as Comacho says – is a form of hospitality. But it’s not just a welcoming gesture. It’s an attitude, a spaciousness, a gift. How often do you feel really *listened to* in a deep, unhurried way? It’s rare.
As I look ahead at my project, I note that listening is an absolutely critical element of coaching and spiritual direction (I’m a director too). You have to know when to die to your own desires, and be present for someone else (the “cross” as Comacho also describes). That kind of intentional listening is hard to do… which is probably why it’s so transformational for both listener and speaker.
I have developed and attached two acrostics that help me be a better listening presence. I keep them posted near my computer so I can revisit them as often as I need reminding!
I would also like to discuss the concept of “trust” because it keeps coming up in my various readings. It caught my eye when reading “Mining for Gold” where Comacho states, “Trust and integrity are the foundations of great leadership.” You can’t be an influential leader if those whom you are leading don’t trust you.
Timothy R. Jennings, MD, puts trust right in the middle of God’s circle of love and trust in his book, The God-shaped Brain. He explains that “lies believed” break that circle of love and trust, which results in fear and selfishness, which results in acts of sin, which results in “damage to mind, character, and body – a terminal condition” (35-36). When Adam and Eve believed Satan’s lies, they no longer trusted God. “From a neuroscience perspective, their prefrontal cortexes, rather than flowing with perfect love, activated the fear center (amygdala), inciting anxiety, insecurity and the desire to protect the self… Their overactive, deregulated fear center further impaired their judgment, and they failed to think clearly and make healthy choices” (36).
So the opposite of “trust” is “fear”.
With their bodies on high alert, they ignored God’s track record of reliability and trustworthiness. They feared the consequences of their lies, so they couldn’t think creatively or self-lessly. This is a great example of how important it is to be able to tell who is trustworthy… and who isn’t, as well as how important it is to tell the truth.
The authors of Neuroscience of Leadership confirm this when they write, “In order for a leader to inspire and motivate, he or she has to be trusted. Trust creates an environment in which threats are reduced, and thinking and creativity are liberated… Without trust, there is fear… The reasons for the importance of trust to human societies are likely to be rooted in our need of others in order to survive” (14).
That’s the crux of the matter regarding trust: we need other people. We will stagnate without others. But it’s easy to get hurt, so we must learn how to discern whom to trust. And we must be trustworthy ourselves. Lack of trust is a key factor leading to stress and anxiety, which are part of the burnout equation I’m examining.
In his book, Trust, Henry Cloud points out that we are wired for trust. Infants cry for food or to be changed, and over and over again, their needs are taken care of. “Trust followed by satisfaction builds more trust. The care, comfort, and love the baby receives are gradually internalized. Neuroscience teaches us that these become actual living physical structures inside the infant’s brain… And one day, as an adult, this same person, now grown up, will be able to ‘self-regulate’ his anger at a boss and keep his cool – all because a lifetime of trusting relationships produced an internalized self-soothing system” (21).
Cloud adds, “Trust is the fuel for all of life. Nothing in life works without it – especially relationships. We are wired biologically, neurologically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically to trust. Trust is the currency that drives everything. So we need to be good at it” (4).
Are you good at trust? Do you easily trust another person? What are the conditions in which you are willing to trust someone? (Cloud has lots to say about that.)
When we talk about coaching, there are several places where trust is required. First, between the coach and the coachee; trust must go in both directions. Second, between the coachee and the people in his or her context. You don’t want to trust someone who isn’t worthy of it, but trust is as necessary for a relationship to thrive as air is to a living thing.
Finally, there must be trust between us and God. When we remember God’s continual goodness, God’s abiding presence, God’s track record in our lives – and in the lives of others – for overall blessing, we can literally breathe into that experience, praying on the inhale, “You are my salvation” and on the exhale, “I will trust you and not be afraid” (based on Isaiah12:2, as found in Jennifer Tucker’s book, Breath as Prayer). I will use these breath prayers as a coach and director; they calm anxiety (neuroscientifically) and reconnect us to the God who loves us.
References
Jennings, Timothy R. The God-Shaped Brain: How Changing Your View of God Transforms Your Life. Expanded edition. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2017.
Long, Anne. Listening. Darton, Longman and Todd Ltd., 2017.
Nouwen, Henri J. M. Reaching out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life. Garden City, N.Y: Image Books, 1986.
Swart, Tara, Kitty Chisholm, and Paul Brown. Neuroscience for Leadership: Harnessing the Brain Gain Advantage. 1. publ. The Neuroscience of Business Series. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan, 2015.
Tucker, Jennifer, and Ann Voskamp. Breath as Prayer: Calm Your Anxiety, Focus Your Mind, and Renew Your Soul. Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson, 2022.
About the Author
Debbie Owen
Deborah C. Owen is an experienced spiritual director, Neuro-based Enneagram executive and life coach, disciple maker, professional writer, senior librarian, and long-time church Music Director and lay leader. She has earned the award of National Board Certification for teaching excellence, and a podcasting award, and is pursuing a Doctor of Leadership degree through Portland Seminary at George Fox University. She lives in the backwoods of Maine with her husband and flat-coated retriever. She spends as much time as she can with their 3 grown children, daughter-in-law, and 2 small grandchildren. Find her online at InsideOutMinistries.info.13 responses to “Listening deeply. Building trust. Flourishing in life and ministry.”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Hi Debbie,
I really enjoy reading your posts and walk away with a longer reading list.
I think you are right that pastors need support and coaching. As you think through your project, are there specific areas of life or ministry that you are discovering pastors need support the most? I’m seeing intersection points with my project on Sabbath but we’ve already spoken a lot about that.
Thanks also for your comments on trust and references to how that can impact coaching and your resources on listening. Which of the letters in the L.I.S.T.E.N. acronym is hardest for you to employ?
Hi Ryan, thanks for your thoughtful comments. That’s a great question about specific areas where pastors need the most support. I’d say I’m still in the discovery process on that. If you have any insight to share, I’d love to hear it! From your experience and/or from others whom you know. I think your project on Sabbath is key and perhaps we can support each other in that down the road.
I think I – Invest in being humbly present – is trickiest for me. I have to keep letting my own thoughts flit away without paying much attention to them at that time. That is often challenging!
Hi Diane, thanks for your reflection and how you have woven other reading into this post. I found this very thoughtful.
I appreciate, as well, that you’ve pivoted on your NPO toward leader health. I want to affirm that this is a good focus and I’d be curious to see how leader health correlates with their effectiveness as multiplicative disciplemakers. How do you think this might be measured?
That’s an excellent question Graham! So I did a little research. Here’s a first pass:
Define “well-being” and “effectiveness in disciplemaking”.
Use surveys or questionnaires to gather quantitative data on the well-being of the church leader. Consider using a scale of 1 to 5 or 1 to 10. Ask for how they rate themselves before beginning, to afterward, on such aspects as physical health, mental health, emotional well-being, relationships, spiritual connectedness to God, etc.
Develop a measure for the effectiveness of disciple-making. Again, we could use before and “after” (even though it’s never “done”) surveys and personal ratings. I’m less interested in numbers, but we could count things such as the number of people involved in small groups, the longevity of those groups and relationships, the increased participation in the life of the church, including local mission events and projects, anecdotal evidence of changed lives, etc. Over time – 5 to 10 years – we could also see if the church itself grows in numbers. That’s less important than changed hearts and lives, but I’m curious about that.
Then I get my husband the engineer to help me use correlation coefficients and other types of analyses to determine the correlation.
Qualitative assessments would also be important; focus group interviews of people both involved and not involved in small groups, community members, etc.
You’ve given me a great idea for how to do this! Thank you. 🙂
Dear Debbie, I absolutely loved reading your blog. So profound! Thank you.
The majority will agree that in leadership, trust is a currency that facilitates effective decision-making and execution of plans. When team members trust their leader, they are more likely to be committed, engaged, and willing to follow directions. As you have eluted in several areas of your blog, trust creates a sense of psychological safety. In my corporate setting, trust within a team allows for innovation and risk-taking.
Conversely, in my experience a lack of trust has led to skepticism, disengagement, and a breakdown in communication. Rebuilding trust once it is lost can be a challenging and lengthy process. Therefore, as leaders we must prioritize actions that reinforce trust and uphold integrity. I constantly invite the Holy Spirit to help me discern when addressing my parishes (I am a traveling Pastor) and team members (daily job in the corporate setting).
To your summary, the concept of trust is foundational to successful leadership. As a Spiritual Director, how do you invite someone to open up?
Great question Shela. I find as a director that some people are relieved to have someone they can open up to, and they really tell me all kinds of things they probably don’t tell anyone else.
Some people are more circumspect and only allude to things they are dealing with. They’ll say “a situation” or “a person”. I let it go. Once we walk alongside each other for a while, the protective wall begins to crack little by little. I trust Holy Spirit to lead the directee to share what is necessary. If they don’t share it, it doesn’t matter. Holy Spirit can still speak to them; I’m just a conduit for God’s love in this person’s life.
Debbie,
I love how you bring Neuroscience into your post. I loved studying the brain and how it all works together during my psychology programs. I may have to read some of the books you referenced. Trust is huge in any relationship. As a parent, we’ve had trust broken through lies told to us by our kids over the years. Earlier this afternoon, I was telling a class I was teaching about how trust is one of the most important parts of any therapeutic relationship. It is also important for us to trust in God. Camacho discussed clarity on pages 48 -55. He writes that one of the things we need to have clarity with is seeing God for who he really is. I wonder if our lack of trust in God is due to a blurred vision of who God really is.
Jeff, yes!! When I was at the Renovare Institute for Spiritual Formation, the first year we explored 6 questions. The first question was, “Who is God?” as Tozer writes (I forget where), “The most important thing you can know about a person is how they view God.” (Or something like that.) Because if you view God as vengeful – and many do – you’re likely to live a life of fear of God, and you may even be a vengeful person yourself.
If you view God as distant, you’re less likely to try to have any sort of relationship with him. How do you think that affects your relationships with people?
If you view God as loving, if your identity in Christ is a Beloved Child of the Father, you recognize that you are a forgiven person, wholly and completely loved. It gives you the freedom to be honest before God, and to love other people more fully.
We only trust those whom we believe have our best interests in mind and who will continue to love us no matter what. If someone isn’t sure God will still love them, it’s hard to trust God.
Yes, how we view God impacts everything else in life, even if we don’t know it.
Hi Debbie, Your post has a lot of meat in it to digest. Thank you for it. I am wondering if you might tackle what happens when trust is damaged and how to repair it. It could go both ways, pastors who break the trust of another, but also a person or even a congregation breaking the trust the pastor put in them to actually commit to being their pastor.
Diane, I have a whole book by Henry Cloud about trust. (I see now I forgot to include that in the bibliography. I’ll have to add it later.) He’s a much better expert on this than I am.
But the short version is this:
– Acknowledge the breach of trust and take responsibility for your own actions (both parties)
– Engage in open communication. Listen to the wounded party’s feelings and concerns without interrupting. Express your own as well.
– Rebuild consistency to demonstrate that you are reliable, accountable, and transparent.
– Set clear boundaries and expectations to prevent future misunderstandings or breaches of trust.
– Apologize sincerely to the wounded party. Accept the apology, but set expectations for a continuing relationship.
– Allow time to rebuild trust. Continually demonstrate your commitment to change.
– Potentially seek professional help.
Cloud has a lot to say on all this. It’s a valuable book.
Hi Debbie,
I love it when something comes your way at the right time. It’s such a moment of serendipity, right?
You bring up a poignant question about pastors hitting burnout and the need to create more balance. When I journeyed through a life coaching program a few years back as a strong suggestion for my role as a missionary, I found myself sitting in a large classroom with many pastors of larger churches. They were all there because they realized that life coaching was a great discipleship tool and were planning to utilize what they were learning in their discipleship process.
I say all that to affirm your direction.
It also sounds like you’re reading some great books about listening, which is so key for coaching (and Spiritual Direction).
Wow! What an interesting connection between neuroscience and trust.
How do you imagine you would be using everything you have learned and still learning into what you hope to be doing through this doctorate program? Where do you hope to find the nuggets of gold that can be stretched thinly across the rest of your life?
Nancy, great questions. In short, I (currently) hope to equip, empower, and encourage church leaders to be more joyfully effective leaders through coaching. I hope to work with individuals and cohorts, and make presentations and lead retreats and workshops. Everything we will be learning through our class readings, as well as my own research (reading, interviewing, processing, praying) is informing the work I’m doing.
Debbie, I echo what others have shared here in terms of appreciating the connections you’ve woven with your Renovare and neuroscience connections. In a culture that can too easily equate coaching with sports -guiding the players on the pitch, field, or ice towards certain plays, you are reflecting more of the kind of coaching that is pulled by horses – a stage coach. Through listening deeply, breath prayers, you are in essence able to carry others along from where they are to where God wants them to go. The image I have for this is an open palm, carrying others along. It’s so deeply reflective of God’s own character.
So, what are you hoping for from your own coaching in this research journey?