Let’s go surfing!
I’m going to start this post with a confession.
As I was reading A Failure of Nerve, Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix [1]by Edwin H. Friedman, I thought about the people at church who approach me after a sermon and ask, “have you been reading my mail?”
Most often I have no clue what may be going on in their life that made them ask that. But what it usually means is that the Holy Spirit was encouraging or convicting them about something.
Page after page, Friedman was reading my mail, in both encouraging and convicting ways. And one place I was convicted was about being a non-anxious presence.
My family of origin is awesome, but the family system was full of anxiety, over-functioning, peace-mongering, and passive aggressive tendencies. While I observed that, and worked to intentionally break away from those traps, I didn’t totally succeed.
In other words, I’m not always what you’d consider a non-anxious presence.
That hasn’t served me well as a pastor. To be clear, my anxiety isn’t chronic, but it does show up in unexpected and unwelcome moments. When there is sabotage, or when I’m fighting recurring depression, or sometimes when I’m leading through critical situations, anxiety can get the best of me.
A year ago, in the middle of a high-stake crisis at the church, I was talking to my therapist, and he suggested that I read a book called How Your 21st-Century Church Family Works by Peter Steinke[2]. I bought it, got 5 pages into it, and threw it on my shelf. I didn’t have time right then for a dry book about “congregations as emotional systems”. But after reading A Failure of Nerve, and then noticing the forward was written by Steinke, I revisited it. It turns out that book is a sort of abridged reworking of Friedman’s book “Generation to Generation”[3] that he mentions in Failure of Nerve.
I should have read the book my therapist recommended, because Failure of Nerve now joins The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry[4] by John Mark Comer as essential books I’ve read in the last season that could have saved me a lot of stress had I read them earlier. Both books—in radically different ways—underscore the importance of healthy, non-anxious, differentiated leaders who, as Friedman contends, are vital to the health of organizational and family systems. In fact, he argues that leadership is more about having the nerve to stand against anxiety (a leader’s own anxiety, as well as others’ anxiety) than having the right tools, or techniques, or data, or skills.
So, as person who for 35 years has been actively learning about—and living into—the tools, techniques, and skills of leadership, what am I supposed to do with that revelation? What am I doing getting a doctorate in leadership if I can be a great leader by simply having a non-anxious presence?
Thankfully it’s not an either/or, but a both/and. It’s like surfing, or golfing, both of which I am not very good at. In both cases, before I started the sport I read everything I could that would help me learn, and I had experts who worked with me on the mechanics.
But in the end, all the information and coaching didn’t help me, because I couldn’t relax.
I was so focused on ‘getting it right’ that my mind wouldn’t let my body lean into the art of letting go and enjoying the moment by letting the wave, or the motion, take me where I needed to go.
So, in pursuing something that was supposed to be fun, I was on the “unending treadmill of trying harder ” (39) and instead of being present to the sport and enjoying the moment, I was all up in my head.
It seems that’s one of the things Friedman is saying about leadership: Understanding the tricks and tools and techniques is helpful and important, but being able to relax and enjoy the journey not only makes it more fun, but more effective. This is something I need to work on in my leadership (and on my surfboard).
Questions I’m reflecting on:
- How can I become more of a non-anxious presence?
- How can I better navigate the cost of leadership Friedman talks about, whether it’s sabotage, the pain of isolation, loneliness, criticism, loss of friends, etc.?
- How does thinking about leadership as emotional process impact my NPO of engaging rising generations of leaders for the church?
[1] Edwin H. Friedman. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. New York: Church Publishing, 2017
[2] Peter L Steinke. How Your 21st Century Church Family Works. London: Roman and Littlefield Publishing, 2021.
[3] Edwin H. Friedman. Generation to Generation. New York: The Guilford Press, 1985
[4] John Mark Comer. The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry. Waterbrook, 2019
About the Author
Tim Clark
I'm on a lifelong journey of discovering the person God has created me to be and aligning that with the purpose God has created me for. I've been pressing hard after Jesus for 40 years, and I currently serve Him as the lead pastor of vision and voice at The Church On The Way in Los Angeles. I live with my wife and 3 kids in Burbank California.16 responses to “Let’s go surfing!”
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Hi Tim, Thank you for this thoughtful post. I resonate with what you are saying on so many levels. Although, I would never dare to get on a surf board. I love the questions you are posing and will be considering those for myself. You wrote, “Understanding the tricks and tools and techniques is helpful and important, but being able to relax and enjoy the journey not only makes it more fun, but more effective.” Some of my anxiety is around not knowing enough to be good enough at my job. It does make the work harder when I can’t just relax and trust the skills I possess knowing I will continue to grow and improve. I wondered about my motives in attempting a doctoral program as part of that insecurity. but I am so glad to be here! What surprises you as you let go of trying harder? What are the lessons surfing is teaching you about leadership?
Jenny, to be clear, I haven’t surfed in a while. I wasn’t good at it and didn’t enjoy doing it as much as I enjoyed the ‘thought’ of doing it. Kind of like some people view leadership (but that’s another post).
Maybe it’s time to get back out and give it another try.
Leadership lessons learned on letting go? I’m truly amazed at how much energy and stress I’ve expended on things that end up not mattering much. There doesn’t seem to be much difference in the result whether I’ve burned myself out getting every detail right and created anxiety for everyone else to get it right, or whether I’ve “let go” of the data and details and simply been a positive, clear, strong presence; in fact, the latter has been more effective.
So my hard learned lesson has to do with the fact that (as I think Travis wrote “Calm is contagious” and also more effective than anxiety.
Woohoo. . . surfing . . . let’s go. . . next Peer Group Day? I have never been surfing. 😀
Thank you for sharing your journey! The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer is a favorite of mine as well. Some of my own anxiety comes in times when there is an expectation of me that was not communicated to me and I am held accountable by an individual for that expectation. I specifically remember a time when a senior citizen in our congregation approached me in the lobby after church and said “You didn’t say Hi to me.” I was taken back because in a congregation of 300+ people, it is unrealistic to expect that the PW say hi to everyone, that is unfathomable to me. I listened and tried to listen deeper into the woman’s heart. . . she was a senior citizen feeling a deeper pain (neglect/loneliness maybe) than I understood at that time and I happened to be the recipient. While I listened, the words still hurt because 1). the person lashed out 2). the expectation was unreasonable. 3). it was an unexpected criticism. For clarity, this was an emotionally unhealthy woman who, like all of us, was in process. A few months ago, after a heart attack, I visited her in the hospital. During the visit, we held hands and she began to cry. She confessed to me a sin unknown by her family. We cried together, prayed together and the Lord gave her peace. She told me after we prayed. . .. “It is so good to finally confess that to someone.” I was incredibly humbled and honored to be with her in her hospital room as the Holy Spirit met her in these last hours of her life. She went to her eternal home a few days after. In these moments when I wonder about whether or not I am measuring up to someone’s expectations of me (which can cause me anxiety), God gently reminds me of His love for me, what He requires of me (“act justly, love mercy and walk humbly”, Micah 6:8) and that He is all too familiar with having unmet, unrealistic expectations placed on Him. He is God!
Cathy, you’re my hero. I love how you processed and responded to that woman…even the angst you felt in the moment. I’ve gotten so many of those “you didn’t say hi to me” and was tempted to say (and sometimes did) ‘get over it’.
Maybe those of us who have natural compassion need to watch how empathy affects our leadership negatively, and those of us with no tendency to empathy should work on our compassion more!
Tim, I felt the same way. It was as if he was reading my mail. I remember you saying during are interview that you felt that this book might be one that you would return to. I know share that feeling. Thank you for being so honest about your feelings. I finished my reading with more questions about this season in my life than I had before starting to read the book. I wonder, can you remember the last time that you were truly relaxed? I am asking myself the same question. One of my goals is to create a space in my life that invites calm and relaxation as a common experience… a new normal to my hectic routine. I’ll keep you posted!
Jonita… what a great (and terrible) question; The last time I was truly relaxed.
Honestly it doesn’t happen often. I’m ether running 100 miles an hour or my brain is.
Last time I was relaxed: Disneyland with my family. Joyful, fun, positive, relational. Even though I was moving and wiped out at the end of the day, I was truly relaxed.
Maybe there is a leadership lesson in there somewhere about how to be “relaxed” in the middle of being busy.
While reading this book I couldn’t help think about the “thermometer or thermostat” metaphor. Over the last few weeks I’ve noticed in some specific situations where I have been more of a thermostat reflecting some “anxiousness” in some situations rather than a thermometer.
This book read my mail as well Tim. I had to stop for a while and pray through some things that were hitting me between the eyes. This book really did bring me to my knees several times since some responses I have are so ingrained I know I need help. Appreciate your thoughtful and honest post.
Thanks Adam. Seriously, this book brought me to some points of prayer and processing before the Lord, too. I want to let it be used of God to change me. I’m glad I’m not alone.
“What am I doing getting a doctorate in leadership if I can be a great leader by simply having a non-anxious presence?” I was wondering the same thing! I have a tendency to research, research, research before I make a decision. I think I do this as a way of procrastinating the decision and deluding myself that the more research I do the better my decision will be. When I finally make a decision I close my eyes and jump bracing myself for the inevitable crash to come. Surprisingly though, even though I always brace myself, I usually find a soft landing instead of the crash I was expecting. All that to say, I found myself wondering this week if this Doctor of Leadership that I am pursuing is simply another way for me to gather more skills and do more research instead of jumping. Am I procrastinating or is this truly going to help my leadership? The answer is probably yes. Yes to both. Yes, I am procrastinating. And yes, it will probably greatly improve my leadership.
Hopefully, one thing that will come of this doctorate is that I am able to learn to relax and trust myself a bit more, having fun along the way instead of bracing for a crash.
Yes to both. Exactly. I think many of us will feel like we end up with more than we bargained for in this program (in a good way).
It sounds like you’ve been steeped in this topic for quite a while, whether you knew it or not. I love your questions at the end of your post. How can we train ourselves to become more non-anxious? Eve Poole’s idea of templating comes to mind. What “template” situations could you create in order to build up that emotional muscle memory and remain non-anxious in the face of difficulty? I also wonder, as you work with rising generations of church leadership, what would it look like to study Jesus as the ultimate (and only truly) non-anxious presence?
Wow, 2 great questions, Kim.
1. I’ve wrestled with the idea of templating for me. I think some of that is happening in this program as I attempt new things in new ways. In my work/ministry life, templating is challenging as I can’t imagine situations where decisions I make aren’t ‘higher stakes’ because of my assignment. In other words, I’m not sure where I can ‘practice’
2. YES. I think that is so important to look at Jesus as the truly non-anxious presence that we can emulate (including when he stood HIs ground, corrected others, said “no”, and even turned over the tables).
This was a part of the book I really loved too. Being a non-anxious presence. All of the Hospice Chaplains I work with, we talk about this often as nothing like looming death to bring about all sorts of anxiety, so as Chaplains, entering any situation in a non-anxious way is the medicine. I can say it takes lots of practice of being in touch with my own triggers of anxiety, and turning to inquiry and wonder in myself of “why is this situation making me anxious?”. Have you heard of the Buddhist practice of Tonglen? This is a way I tend to myself as well as being non-anxious to those we serve. I always have my heart and mind on my Savior as I do this, it also allows freedom for the other person and where they get meaning. Basically as I listen to a situation, or grief, or family fight, or my child raging, I breathe in all of their suffering and anxiousness, imagine it going to my heart space where it transforms by my love, then breathing out loving kindness to them, then breathe in suffering again. And in that breath work, I’ve become less anxious and I believe the other person is receiving this gift of loving kindness. I have actually done this exercise with someone with rapid breathing in their actively dying space and within 15 minutes, they slowed down their breathing, they relaxed their face and next thing I know they took their last breath peacefully. Not once did I say anything to them to draw them back to this world, but felt like the non anxious presence was the medicine they needed, and I was transformed, knowing God was with me and using me as a vessel for this soul.
Tim, what self care practices, as we call it these days, do you do to be a non-anxious presence to yourself?
How do you then or will you lead others in practicing this same non-anxious presence?
Jana, that’s beautiful. I hadn’t heard of Tonglen, but it sounds so much like what Jesus did on the cross for all of us…taking in our suffering and transforming it into love.
Your questions… yeah, frankly those are challenging to me. I’m not very good at “self-care”.
I do attempt to take a sabbath weekly (no screens, no work) and that brings me back to center and a new starting-point every week.
I am working hard at listening well and “quietly” during meetings (most of which I’m leading) instead of jumping in first and fastest and ‘stirring up’ anxiety…
…and I’m working on non-reaction to people making mistakes and learning how to address it later in a proactive and positive way that paints a picture of a preferred future and creates clear expectations, instead of expressing frustration at what went wrong.
But honestly, I have a long way to go to become a non-anxious presence at work and in my personal life. I’m hopeful that this is part of what I will grow in through this program.
Tim – It is the constant struggle of today’s pastor so few of us enjoy the journey. I have to intentionally work on this myself daily. I must say, though, my husband is wired to enjoy the journey as an “Enthusiast” in the enneagram. However, the last three years have even caused his enthusiasm to wane. We have leaned more into prayer retreats, vacations, and simply having fun with friends and family.
Also, I’ve been unpacking Dr. Shirzad Chamine’s Positive Psychology. He has done extensive research in the field of neuroscience and what it means to flourish. He is the CEO of one of the largest coaching networks in the world. His take is that all of us have the Judge and the Sage within us (sounds very much like the Bible…). However, then he breaks down the saboteurs. Though we all have the Judge as our main saboteur, we vary in the others.
Avoider -Controller – Hyper-Achiever – Hyper-Rational
Hyper-Vigilant – Pleaser – Restless
The Sage has 5 components:
Empathy, innovation, navigation, deep insight, and calm, clear- headed action.
The Sage truly sounds like what Friedman has described as the Self-differentiated Leader.
Hi Tim!
I’m so glad to read your blog. I thought I’m the only one who struggle with anxiety. As long we met in Cape Town, I felt you are a person who can overcome anxiety. Based on your experience, which part of this book gives you the most enlightenment to embracing anxiety?