Let the Silence Speak!
I love talking to people. It is one of my favorite things to do. I love learning people’s stories. My husband and kids laugh at me when we go places because I always leave having met someone new and knowing their story. I am a talker. I always have been. As a child, my Mama used to ask me, “Little girl, do you ever get tired of talking?” I would always respond, “No, ma’am!” She would laugh and laugh at me and my constant chatter. I believe that my love of talking has helped me learn how to listen better and over time it has helped me become a better communicator. I didn’t always see the connection between the two and I definitely was not always a good listener. There was a time when I did not listen at all, I simply waited impatiently for the person to stop talking so that I could begin. I have also learned the value of silence; I will talk a little more about that later in the post.
How to Be Heard- Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening was more than I expected. At this point in the semester, my focus was on finishing the last two papers and counting down the few posts left to write. I was surprised that this book caused me to spend some time thinking about some of my “go to” words.
The section on Danger Words really spoke to me. I frequently use “but”, I speak it and I write it. Treasure writes, “It is almost always possible to replace ‘but’ with ‘and’ to the benefit of your spoken or written communication.” (1) He is correct. The word replacement works. I practiced it several times before writing this blog. Going forward, I will try to be more intentional about using “and” instead of “but”.
I have learned to be mindful of words that escalate the conversation. I have seen how single words can completely change the atmosphere. I try to be careful with not only my words but also my tone. I know that there are trigger words that are almost impossible to come back from. Treasure’s list calls these words, maximisers, “these are the words that immediately escalate an argument, like throwing gasoline on a fire.” (2) I can’t tell you how many arguments I could have avoided (especially with my husband) by simply avoiding: Always, Never, Everyone, Nobody!
Perhaps the most impactful section of the book for me was the passages that explain the phrase, “You Made Me”! I felt like I wanted to read it to at least 10 people that instantly come to mind.
“Who makes your emotions? You do. Other people do things; you have feelings about them. If can often be very powerful to recognize this distinction and take responsibility for the feeling part, replacing the “you made me” formulation with something like: “When you did x I felt angry/sad/upset.” In that version, the two elements are clearly separated along with the roles and responsibilities.” (3)
He continues by further clarifying with this beautiful statement.
“I am not suggesting that we are responsible for all our own pain, or that its simple to generate positive emotions in the face of tragedy or cruel mistreatment. The world is unfortunately full of examples of disaster, barbarism, and inhumanity, and those suffering these things naturally feel pain, fear, grief and even hate. However, in less extreme situations it can be enormously empowering to avoid giving our power away, especially if it’s a habit we have fallen into.” (4)
I promised that I would come back to the value of silence. Treasure makes the statement, “Silence is your baseline”. (5) I paused when I read it. I remember my mentor coaching me for a difficult conversation that I need to have, and she reminded me that the silence can be more powerful than words. During our coaching session I was nervous and over explaining my point. She gently reminded me to just stop talking. I have practiced it often when having to have an important conversation. I make my point and then I stop talking. It can be very disarming, especially if the person is trying to gaslight you or lure you into a conversation loop. I absolutely love the description that Treasure provides, “It’s a little like eating a sorbet in the middle of a rich meal: your palate is cleansed and refreshed, and your sensitivity is renewed. Silence is your aural sorbet. It pays to develop a taste for it.” (6)
And if you are wondering what aural means, “Aural is of or relating to the ear or to the sense of hearing” (7). I looked it up because I had no idea what it meant. Am I the only one?
1.Julian Treasure, How to Be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening (Coral Gables, FL: Mango Publishing Group,
2017), 83.
2.Ibid., 84.
3.Ibid., 84.
4.Ibid., 84.
5.Ibid.,136.
6.Ibid., 136.
7.“Dictionary by Merriam-Webster: America’s Most-Trusted Online Dictionary,” Merriam-Webster (Merriam-Webster), accessed
April 18, 2023, https://www.merriam-webster.com/.
About the Author
Jonita Fair-Payton
9 responses to “Let the Silence Speak!”
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Well I don’t have to look it up! Aural – ears, got it.
I enjoyed the idea of using silence. I don’t use it enough.
I told Jenny about the DATING talk I had with my daughter this morning. I had to teach my daughter to listen (to put down her phone). Once we got going the conversation was wonderful, but it was clear that I had to teach her about listening with her whole body. Later, she came back to me to say that she liked it when I spoke calmly rather than shouting.
So while I was teaching her to listen, she taught me how to speak!
Thanks for the focus on maximizers that escalate dialogue. I am going to have to be so careful about the words I use in the already polarized debate on immigration. I as I obsidianize my notes, I will have to put my maximizer avoidance antenna on!
Great post…shalom…Russ
Thank you, Russell!
I love that you were teaching you as you were teaching her…a learning loop between the two of you. Learning to use and trust silence is so valuable. It took me years to discover this.
Jonita,
I can only imagine all the joy and laughter you brought to your home growing up!
As Russell mentioned, thank you for the focus on maximizers. There is so much to think about and implement here! Treasure’s informative account of practical ways to “clean up” how we communicate has made me much more aware of ways I derail my communication.
Thank you for addressing how powerful silence can be. One of the things that has been so helpful for me as a coach is to become comfortable with silence while others are processing (not easy for an outward processer). Early on, I wanted to fill the silence with my own input. I also realized this in my prayer life as well. Always asking, always speaking… Now that I spend much more time in silence with God, I hear Him so much more. Still a work in progress though!
Thank you for such a rich post, Jonita.
Esther,
Thank you for your response. I always appreciate your insight. This statement, “Early on, I wanted to fill the silence with my own input. I also realized this in my prayer life as well. Always asking, always speaking… Now that I spend much more time in silence with God, I hear Him so much more.”, is so powerful. I can relate on so many levels. There have been times when God has removed all distractions and created a season for me to “be still”. God taught me that the silence with my own thoughts, in my prayer life was time that brought me nearer to God. I am grateful for lesson. There are times now that I seek out the silence.
Hi Jonita, First off I just want to say that I love to listen to you talk! You have wonderfully insightful and encouraging things to say. I appreciate that you speak from your mind and heart. When you noted the danger words I was reminded in grad school when I was learning to listen that I realized I needed to learn how to speak all over again. It’s hard work avoiding words like always, never, and but! You highlighted Treasure’s comments on silence, “Silence is your baseline.” What helps you take that pause and remain silent? What do you notice when you use silence in your speaking?
Jenny…I literally could not get through this program without you. You are a Blessing to me and to our peer group and cohort.
I use a physical reminder to help me remember to be quiet. I use my hands so much when I’m talking…they are an extension of my voice in many ways. If I am sitting and in conversation with someone, I place one hand under my leg…the placement reminds me to be silent and listen. If I am standing, I interlock my fingers or hold on to the strap of my bag/purse. It works for me.
I notice that I am able to be fully engaged, I can better discern what God is saying in that moment.
“Who makes your emotions? You do. Other people do things; you have feelings about them. If can often be very powerful to recognize this distinction and take responsibility for the feeling part, replacing the “you made me” formulation with something like: “When you did x I felt angry/sad/upset.” In that version, the two elements are clearly separated along with the roles and responsibilities.”
You talk about silence as being
I was listening to a leadership podcast last night and the speaker was talking about this very thing. He was talking about how when a feeling comes up, especially one like anger or frustration and in a strong or hurried way, it is probably our amygdala responding to what we feel is a threat. If we can notice this feeling and name it before we respond, the feeling has a chance to make it to our prefrontal cortext where we can actually work in a productive way with the feeling. If the feeling has a chance to get to the prefrontal cortext we can implement the “When you say this it makes me feel this way” sort of comment rather than a snap reaction that will only cause further hurt.
You talk about the importance of using silence in our conversations and how silence can be more powerful than words. I’m learning to use it. Not great at it at this point. I have to almost physically stop myself from talking or explaining myself but I’m learning. And no, I had no idea what the word aural meant until you told me.
Hey Kally,
I participated in a training a few years ago and the facilitator used that exact technique. She gave us, “When you say this it makes me feel this way” and ” What I hear you saying is…”, as phrases to use to keep the communication open while avoiding trigger words. I used to feel so corny trying to use these phrases, I think because they did not feel authentic to me at the time. Now I find myself using them with my children.
I often have to physically stop myself from responding. I was telling Jenny earlier that I sometimes sit on my hand or interlock my fingers as a physical reminder to remain quiet.
I knew that I was not the only one that didn’t know the meaning of aural! ; )
Jonita, I loved what you were sayin about changing but with and! It reminded me of my Christian Ethics class in Seminary where we read a book about Improvisation called “Improvisation: The Drama of Christian Ethics: Samuel Wells”. It was great, what if as people we Yes anded people as they talked instead of but,….and went on with our agenda? Anyway, what “buts” are showing up in your life right now that you need to change to and?