Leading Through It All
There is a member of our family who we all, and I do mean ALL of us, allow to set the agenda. She is needy, definitely the most anxious member of the family, afraid of her own shadow, and constantly demanding attention. Always watching, following us from room to room, she is undifferentiated and fully emeshed, her anxiety visibly rising when another family member gets riled . She is, at times, our most immature member though we have teenagers so she is not *always* the most immature yet every time, every single time she wants something, we give in to her. We can’t help it. When she gazes at your with her worried brown eyes she is just too cute.
I’m not sure Edwin Friedman, author of A Failure of Nerve, the book we read this week, would consider dogs to be part of the family system but I consider our German Shepherd, Hazel to be a full member of the Elliotts.
I tell you this first of all, in a lame effort to be funny, but also because when reading about emotional regression I immediately thought of how our family constantly caves to our most chronically anxious (but also loving, loyal, protective) member, Hazel, or “Hazy” as we affectionately refer to her and none of us would have it any other way.
Fortunately, Hazy came to us with a heart of gold and a will to please so her behavior problems are few.
But lately I’ve realized how tired parenting three teenagers and a tween is making me. Don’t get me wrong, they too have hearts of gold and few behavior problems but they are teens and a certain amount of laziness, craftiness and general rudeness often comes with that age group. Adolescent angst, sass, and sneakiness is to be expected but does it have to be tolerated? I don’t want to fight with them so I let my boundaries slip just enough to make them happy. I empty the dishwasher instead of nagging one of them to do it because it’s easier to do it myself. When one of them asks for gas money even though he doesn’t have a job I justify his ask by thinking, “but he worked hard all season and is a really good kid…” and then transfer some money into his account. When the girlfriend comes over I compromise by letting them go upstairs but yelling, “You have to keep the door open!”…until I walk upstairs and realize the teenager has a different definition for “open” than I do.
The question is, do I argue with them about every one of these things or do I let them go because…sigh, I’m tired. I mean, come on, if there was only one teenager I might engage more with each slip of a boundary but there are FOUR OF THEM! FOUR! If I engaged in conflict with each compromise I’d be arguing ALL DAY LONG. Scratch that. I’d be arguing ALL NIGHT LONG. Because again, teenagers.
Perhaps, though, my husband and I, as the leaders of this family system, are doing something right. Through the long game of parenting I think the two of us have known who we are, what we stand for, how we hope our kids will grow and live. We don’t helicopter our kids (though my teens say otherwise). We stay in our parenting lane while they stay in theirs and we don’t let them drive the family car. (That was a metaphor…two of them do drive our car sometimes.) We haven’t done it perfectly but I’d say that 70% of the time we have stood firm in who we are and what we expect, even in the midst of their reactivity, and have remained connected to them while instilling responsibility. [1] We do let boundaries slip from time to time and we do let some things go that perhaps we shouldn’t but mostly, we parent well. And maybe part of parenting well is letting some things go.
There are a million books out there on leadership, many of those we have or will probably read for this course. Some of them will be helpful, others, not so much. Some we will buy to keep on our shelf others will never even be purchased. According to the late Edwin Friedman, we could read all of the books on leadership, gather all the data, even acquire skills and knowledge, but if we don’t have the nerve, presence, and self-awareness to set the course and stand firm in the midst of other people’s emotional anxiety and reactivity, we will fail in our leadership. Leading from a place of differentiation, where leaders are connected to those in the system but not emeshed with them, will lead to long-term and lasting change for systems instead of short-lived change that happens when a leader reactively tries for a “quick fix.”
While reading this book I couldn’t help but think about how our lead pastor led our staff and church during and out of the pandemic. At a time when the entire world was in chaos, Steven, our lead pastor, led with creativity, sensitivity (not empathy), courage, but most of all, he was self-differentiated and a non-anxious presence in the midst of high anxiety. Even though I know he was feeling anxiety around leading the church through this “unprecedented” time as well as worried for the health of his wife who had just spent months at OHSU with severe pneumonia, he didn’t let his anxiety take the wheel. Instead, he set our course to protect the most vulnerable among us and guided us to creatively meet the needs of our church community. Many times he was criticized or perhaps even sabotaged as anxious members and staff questioned his stance on not returning to in-person worship so as to protect those with compromised immune systems and hospital workers. Some members and some staff even left the church but he did not waver in the course he set for us. Friedman describes it this way, “In other words, leaders can stay involved in a non-anxious, influential way. Personal and internal management of their own reactions to what is going on in others is crucial. They are able to take stands at the risk of displeasing others, without being controlled by them.” [2]
Steven was/is a healthy individual, able to self-differentiate, clear on where he ends and others begin. He was and is able to separate himself from anxious emotional processes while still remaining connected to our staff and church members in a way that brought us through the pandemic intact. We were far from thriving as a church community when we returned to in-person worship but even then, he was able to lead us to who we are today – a church that is rebuilding and re-membering, while continuing the creativity we leaned into during the pandemic.
Last night I taught a Family to Family class for NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness). The entire class was about the role of empathy in recovery and rehabilitation, making the claim that without empathy, recovery and rehabilitation is not (as) possible. The class members agreed with this position, especially after participating in an activity in which they tried to follow the directions of the instructor while the others in the class talked over the instructor directly into their ears. The exercise was supposed to mimic how frustrating it is to try participate in life when you hear voices in your head or struggle with other forms of mental illness.
As we reflected on the activity a mother of two grown children who live with serious mental illness asked, “But what do you do when you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work? What do you do when you are tired of trying and you are losing empathy for your child?”
What a devastating thing to feel.
To support someone living with serious mental illness is tricky. Friedman makes the claim that to have empathy for someone leads to emeshment whereas to have compassion for someone is to suffer alongside them but to maintain boundaries and require responsibility. [3]
In some ways it is like parenting teenagers and leading a church through a pandemic and even being the owner of a really anxious, fiercely loyal German Shepherd. You lead and support from a place of differentiation. You are not your teenagers, you are not your church members or staff, you are not the one who requires support, you are not your dog. You are you and you have expectations, boundaries, and goals. Friedman comments in his talk, “You can give a choice for others to change to have a relationship with you or you can allow them to remain the same and yet be clear with them that you will not allow your life to be destroyed in the connection with them. It’s powerful medicine.” Teenagers are going to push your buttons and cross your boundaries, church members are going to try to sabotage you because their own anxiety, those with mental illness might not be able to take responsibility but as Friedman said in his talk, “When the leader/healer has worked on her own differentiation she can be the kind of presence that will promote the strengths to come out of a system.”[4]
[1] “Leadership Through Self Differentiation – YouTube.” n.d. Accessed February 24, 2023. https://www.youtube.com/. In this video Friedman talks about how he is only right 70% of the time and that people can really only self-differentiate 70% of the time.
[2] Friedman, Edwin H., and Peter Steinke. 2017. A Failure of Nerve, Revised Edition: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. 10th Anniversary edition. New York: Church Publishing. 17
[3] Ibid, 127, 128, 129
[4] “Leadership Through Self Differentiation – YouTube.” n.d. Accessed February 24, 2023. https://www.youtube.com/.
About the Author
Kally Elliott
Mom of four. Wanna-be Broadway star. PC(USA) pastor. Wife. Friend. Sometimes a hot mess. Sometimes somewhat together. Is this supposed to be a professional bio?10 responses to “Leading Through It All”
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Hi Kally, The teen years! I got a lot of practice with self-regulation during that time. You wrote, “To support someone living with serious mental illness is tricky. Friedman makes the claim that to have empathy for someone leads to enmeshment whereas to have compassion for someone is to suffer alongside them but to maintain boundaries and require responsibility.” It is very challenging living with someone with a mental illness. Even working with clients can be very tricky. They come to me because they expect (rightfully so) empathy and compassion, and it requires that I have very good boundaries. I have experienced personally that compassion and empathy can both go awry if I don’t set good boundaries. What types of boundaries are helping you hold that tension?
Jenny, thanks for your response. A boundary I’ve had in place for what seems like forever is to carve out space for time alone or exercise each day. Even in the midst of crisis I know that I need this time and that I need the endorphins that come with it! It has proven to carry me through even the most difficult times. Another boundary I have is that if someone is not willing to work on their own stuff then I can only have limited relationship with them. Thankfully my husband has always been willing to work on himself and keep himself healthy. I too have sought therapy time and time again in an effort to be healthy. That said, I’m teaching a class right now with a lot of parents who have children – most of them grown children – who experience severe mental illness. These children are not always willing to honor their parent’s boundaries. To be honest, I’m not sure if some of the parents have figured out their boundaries. The thought I’ve been pondering as I’ve been teaching this class is it is easier for me to make boundaries regarding my spouse. If we both don’t work on our selves and on our relationship then this relationship will not work. However, I’m not sure I could do that with my child, even if he/she was grown. Many of the parents I’m working with refuse to let their grown children become homeless even when it adds financial and other kinds of stress to their lives. I can totally understand their unwillingness as I think I’d be the same. It’s a tough situation for them and it’s gotten me really considering boundaries.
I’m glad you brought up leading through the anxiety of COVID and all that went along with that. I personally 100% failed at that. I’ve always struggled with worry and it’s been a significant obstacle in my life over the years. I thought I had dealt with it fairly well until COVID hit. Let’s just say I’ve been reminded that I had a lot of room for growth in that area. I’m looking forward to exploring this idea of being a non-anxious presence in more than a theoretical way. As a few others have hinted at in their posts, I think it’s easier said than done.
Kim, as I look back on getting through Covid with our church staff I can TOTALLY see where I was the anxious member of the system! It’s really quite embarrassing for me. I sent a text to our lead pastor this week saying that after reading Friedman I think he did a really great job of leading us through the pandemic.
Kally, every post, I just so completely feel we are kindred. I talked about my troubled 10 year old in my blog, who I believe is hitting the tween years with much angst! I also have the sass of teenagers, or at least 1 14 year old, and my 16 year old, who is a typical smelly teenager, but has neurodiversity of Autism. He is so polite and well behaved, but also talks incessantly, and I mean incessantly about Thomas the Tank Engine collection he has and is dreaming about. I also have an anxious labradoodle named Lucy. Everything you talked about hit my nerve in such a way that I feel seen by your experience. Your connection between Friedman’s work and how your pastor navigated the pandemic was spot on! What an incredible challenge pastors have had these last 3 years, a place where everyone is welcomed, yet having to make decisions to the more vulnerable was such a hard place to be. If Friedman were alive today during the pandemic, what do you think his responses would be to the Global church on Failure of Nerve? I believe the church would go both ways with what they think is Nerve. Interesting book for interesting times.
Jana, I literally called you a “kindred spirit” in my reflection for my LCP!
Thanks for the comment – and I feel you with the three kids and anxious dog! I think I’d enjoy talking about Thomas the Tank Engine with your son. I used to be able to sing the whole song and knew each and every engine and their personalities.
And oh yeah, I think the church could go either way on what they think is “nerve.” My dad’s church thinks “nerve” is going to in-person worship no matter what and especially when the world is falling apart. Our church believed “nerve” to be protecting the most physically vulnerable.
Kally, Wow. . . the teens years are a season of regulation and differentiation. When my three daughters were teens, I remember the struggles of wanting to love and support them at all costs. I was not always a regulated, differentiated mom. Looking back, that season was a time for the Lord to work on some things in me. While that could be true of every season in our lives, I often think, “how did all of that happen?”. . . driving girls to practices, school events, relationship struggles, sleepovers, parties, work, ministry, etc. My resources often ran on low. Now that they are adults, I am grateful that they “return” for wisdom and encouragement. What helps you during this season of parenting four teens and Hazy?
Wow – I really appreciated your post. Once in a while I really miss practical how-to books in leadership but I think you have offered some great advice:
– stay calm
– communicating clearly
– seek support when needed
It’s clear, simple and easy to understand.
You also wrote something else I was curious about. You suppose there are millions of books on leadership out there. I did some online searching and the findings suggest there are somewhere between 15,000[1] and 57,000 [2]. It gave me pause around Friedman’s work because he likes to suggest there is pandemic of leadership nerve, but I wonder if he simply writing from inside his own bubble.
[1] https://professional.dce.harvard.edu/blog/the-paradox-of-leadership/
[2] https://serveleadnow.com/why-are-there-so-many-leadership-books/
Cathy, It’s good to hear your daughters return for wisdom and encouragement. My second child is leaving for college this summer and I’m beginning to feel all the feelings that go with that. My oldest chose to not go to college and works and still lives at home…..which though I was disappointed at the time that he didn’t want to go to college, I’ve come to appreciate him being home for many reasons. What helps me during this time is spending time with my friends! I have great friends and have so much fun with them. I also love to get out and hike and enjoy all the outdoors stuff Bend has to offer.
Hi Kally! Thank you for your stories!
First of all, my prayer to the mother of two grown children.
We used to use empathy as a strategy to comprehend someone’s position so that it will help us to help him/her. Surprisingly Friedman reminds us to use empathy properly. Based on your experiences how far does empathy help you to treat others?