Leading as a parent
Twenty-three years ago, my wife and I were given a leadership goal, and this goal was repeated three times, successfully raise this child to adulthood. As the Venn diagram shows, everyone in the family can agree upon the same goal. For us as parents (leaders) that goal gives us a vision for how we need to accomplish that goal. Our children in turn trust us as parents to help them move toward that goal.
Simon Walker in Leading Out of Who You Are, the first book in his The Undefended Leader trilogy talks about giving things up. He says “It is the central proposition of this book that life observes a fundamental principle. When someone is willing and able to give away what they possess, they find that it is given back to them transformed into something greater.”[1] I realize that Walker is talking about leadership, but there are similar parallels to parenting. In the middle of the Venn diagram is power. As a leader we enjoy the various forms of power that we possess. Walker mentions six different kinds of power, but says the important thing is to recognize how the power a person possesses is used.[2] Walker talks about how as a parent when we teach our kids a skill, we empower them while at the same time take away some of our own power. My oldest son was in Boy Scouts and through Scouts and he learned many skills. As he developed those skills, I was able to relinquish some of my tasks to him. Can you get a fire going for me? Can you set up that tent for me? Can you make a dessert in the Dutch oven for me? Giving away some of your power is essential in being a good leader. What power have I given up being a parent? I had to give up some control and allow my kids to make their own decisions and to experience the consequences of those decisions. Walker talks about the need to enable people to embrace struggle. He says that the leader “needs to be the one who can allow things to go wrong and let people struggle and fail—for only then will people start to take responsibility for the situation and the choices they make.”[3] This is not always an easy task, we are emotionally invested in the relationship. Friedman would suggest that a leader needs to differentiate, step outside the emotion, and make the decision that is best for the system.[4] At times that means letting people in the system experience pain.
In allowing my children to make their own decisions, I’ve had to allow them to try to figure out their vocation. Walker says “Thus, a leader enables others to identify and embrace their own vocations. This is not career guidance. This is more than identifying some passion or drive or skill that might suit a particular job or role. This is helping someone else come to understand what their unique and specific calling in the world may involve.”[5] I think about Tom Camacho’s Mining for Gold book. As parents we are helping our children identify the gold that exists inside them, coaching them along the way.[6] My children are academically gifted. My oldest son, rather than going on to college choose to enlist in the United States Marine Corp. My youngest daughter choose to do her senior year at our local career center. We’ve had people question us as parents and them individually about the choices they made. Comments have also been made about them wasting their academic talent. This has been and continues to be a process for them, trying to figure out their vocation. Walker says that “vocation is that clarity of identity and purpose, power, and freedom, that you gain when you are truly available.”[7] My wife and I allow them the freedom to explore, trying to find that sense of clarity, and we make ourselves available to help them when they ask.
My youngest is less than two months away from turning eighteen. We are close to accomplishing our goal of successfully raising four kids to adulthood. However, over the last few months, my wife and I have come to the realization that it is emotionally harder to parent adult children than younger children. When they were little, my wife and I would pray, thanking God for the opportunity to parent our children while acknowledging that they are His and not ours (laying down our power). I truly believe that our children are in the process of being transformed into something great. However, it is hard to not be physically present for them when they are experiencing trials. Our oldest is five hours away, and our son in the USMC is 10 hours away. Both have struggled this past year, a car accident, questions about what to do, etc. We want to pick them up like they were five, hug them and protect them. Walker talks about it being good for leaders to periodically lay down their roles, as a parent we can’t do that every five years.[8] But as a good leader, we must know when to let go. Reflecting on this, maybe, as they have left home, we haven’t emotionally let go, fully giving them over to God.
[1] Simon Walker, The Undefended Leader, (Carlisle, CA: Piquant Editions Ltd, 2010). 154.
[2] Walker, 41.
[3] Walker, 151.
[4] Edwin Friedman A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. (New York: Church Publishing, 2007).
[5] Walker, 155.
[6] Tom Camacho, Mining For Gold (London: Inter-Varsity Press, 2019).
[7] Walker 154.
[8] Walker, 153.
About the Author
Jeff Styer
Jeff Styer lives in Northeast Ohio's Amish Country. He has degrees in Social Work and Psychology and currently works as a professor of social work at Mount Vernon Nazarene University. Jeff is married to his wife, Veronica, 25+ years. Together they have 4 beautiful children (to be honest, Jeff has 4 kids, Veronica says she is raising 5). Jeff loves the outdoors, including biking, hiking, camping, birding, and recently picked up disc golf.11 responses to “Leading as a parent”
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Hi Jeff, I like your use of the Venn diagram. What a gift you and your wife have given your children. Allowing children to launch is something that many parents miss doing well, It is hard but the relationships can grow even richer when the leader role is relinquished. Do you think that there will be some level of leadership that your adult children might look to you? If so, what might that look like?
My oldest son has called when he’s needed a listening ear and some idea about how to handle situations. With my mental health background, he’s needed some advice for certain situations.
My oldest daughter calls when she needs advice on insurance, looking at grad school, car issues.
I think my kids will continue to come to my wife and I to assist in making some important life decisions, but I really think that the adult kids see us as more support and sounding boards than leaders of their lives. I’m okay with that.
Thanks for your post Jeff. I appreciate your vulnerable post and the way that you are modeling letting go and supporting your kids, as well as your honesty in the difficulties of doing so. What are the tension points you experience in your own self that might make letting go in certain situations harder?
Jeff,
I am going to piggyback off of Ryan’s question as well. I was wondering what you might do to let go more emotionally now that you recognize it? Are you going to do anything different with your youngest who hasn’t left yet?
I agree with you that raising teenagers and young adults is challenging. Sure, it is more hand’s off but can be very tiring. My oldest just got lost in Spain on Spring break and so she called me crying about what to do. How am I to know? I am not in Spain! Anyways, the parenting doesn’t end right when they leave the house does it?
Ryan,
Hoping your child isn’t still wandering around lost in Spain. It is a nice feeling knowing they still think you have all the answers. To be honest, we have been more laidback with our youngest. He hasn’t had to abide by all the rules the others have. He is also the most unique of the bunch. The past couple years, we’ve allowed him more responsibility making decisions that we did with the other three. He’s also not home as much as the others, which gives my wife and I a taste of an empty nest. While we don’t necessarily like every aspect of the idea of an empty nest, we aren’t going to hold him back.
The main tension point is wanting to be in control, protect my kids no matter what. I am a parent and that’s my job is what I’ve told myself for years. My kids driving is one of the biggest areas of anxiety I have. Let’s be honest, it’s for a couple reasons. Most importantly I don’t want them to get into an accident and get hurt. Secondly, I don’t want to have to go through the hassle of car shopping and the expense of buying another vehicle. Even though my two oldest have their own vehicles and insurance, I still get anxious knowing they are driving long distances. The thoughts and feelings do not consume me but I wonder if I lack trust in God and if my feelings are natural.
The role of a parent is so challenging. Letting them go and allowing them to learn to fly on their own is especially challenging. You mentioned in a different post that you had a challenging experience as an elder and that you were not sure if you wanted to lead in this way again. How do you think your parenting experience might relate to leadership in a church and be of benefit in that context?
Graham,
Great question, I’m thinking of Friedman, I think as a parent I historically removed myself from a lot, not all, of the emotion to make decisions on what is best for the family as a whole. I think as elders we were trying to do the same thing, what is best for the church. After reading Walker’s book, I now wonder maybe I cared too much about what people impacted by those decisions thought about me, fearful of losing friends. As a parent you expect your kids to “hate” you at some point. Maybe if I am called to church leadership again, I need to shift my focus, not be fearful, and after careful prayer and discernment focus not on the emotions but on doing what is best for the church.
Hi Jeff,
Love the visual. I cannot imagine a greater goal than to be good parents and anything more successful than raised great kids. Congratulations!
I enjoyed reading your post. I have no questions.
Hey Jeff! Parenting is continuing education. Thanks for lifting up the tension so many of us parents face. I believe letting go requires both a front and back stage mindset. How has letting go improved your front stage position?
Daren,
Great question. The backstage has been the one where I can let my anxiety over my kids gaining independence out, God sees it and my wife sees it. I hadn’t considered what this looks like on the front stage. I guess I show excitement for what they are doing, decisions they are making. I do love to brag about them some, all of this probably makes letting go look easy. I’m going to continue to reflect on your question. Thanks for asking it.