Leadership That Is Resilient, Relational, and RARE
It’s clear there’s a “control factor” at play.
Isn’t that often the case in a church?
You’re on staff, and they pay you for your expertise. But so often, there’s at least one volunteer who is quite sure they know just as much as you do.
They manage to get onto the committee with which you collaborate, and then they take over. So much for collaborating.
As I’ve been reading Warner and Wilder’s book, Rare Leadership; 4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead, I keep thinking of this situation at my church. I definitely don’t have this dynamic figured out yet; I am in prayer that we’ll come to a really comfortable place (it’s been about a year), but it’s a work in progress. I know now from Warner and Wilder that I must always prioritize the relationship itself over solving problems.
This struggle isn’t unique to me—it’s a reality in leadership, especially in ministry. When control takes priority over connection, relationships suffer. Warner and Wilder’s Rare Leadership offers a compelling alternative: leadership rooted in relational strength, emotional resilience, and identity-based integrity rather than reactivity or power struggles.
Their model aligns with biblical principles of servant leadership, as seen in Christ’s example of leading through relationship rather than control (John 15:15). It also resonates with neuroscientific insights, showing how leaders function best when they engage relationally rather than getting stuck in survival mode. The four habits noted in the title are:
- Remain Relational
- Act Like Yourself
- Return to Joy
- Endure Hardship Well [1]
The RARE Leadership model reflects core Christian leadership values, integrating theology, neuroscience, and ethical leadership principles to form a holistic, Christ-centered approach to leading well.
Biblical Foundations of Relational Leadership
Leadership in Scripture is inherently relational. From Moses mentoring Joshua to Paul discipling Timothy, biblical leadership is not about control but about forming others in the context of trust and connection.
Jesus as the Ultimate Relational Leader
Jesus consistently modeled relationship over power. In John 15:15, He tells His disciples, “I no longer call you servants, but friends.” This shift from hierarchy to relationship is central to RARE Leadership, where remaining relational prevents leaders from falling into fear-based or reactive leadership.
When it comes to being spiritually formed in the likeness of Jesus Christ so you can act like yourself, in The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard states that,
Very little of our being lies under the direction of our conscious minds, and very little of our actions runs from our thoughts and consciously chosen intentions… The training that leads to doing what we hear from Jesus must therefore involve, first, the purposeful disruption of our ‘automatic’ thoughts, feelings, and actions by doing different things with our body” and then we are “retrained away from the old kingdoms around and within us and into ‘the kingdom of the Son of His love’ (Col. 1:13 NAS). [2]
Likewise, Warner and Wilder emphasize the neuroscience of transformation, which is identity-based: “Interaction with a personal God who is there and is not silent is crucial to helping us overcome deformities in our identity. This type of intimacy with God is a hallmark of emotionally mature leaders who pay attention to their fast-track habits” [55] [3], the “automatic” habits that run faster than conscious thought.
Servant Leadership and Emotional Stability
In In the Name of Jesus, Henri Nouwen contrasts self-serving leadership with servant leadership—a theme deeply embedded in the RARE Leadership model. Nouwen writes, “True ministry must be mutual…It is a servant leadership, in which the leader is a vulnerable servant who needs the people as much as they need their leader.” [4]
Warner and Wilder explain how leaders thrive when they have a group of allies for their ongoing formation. This identity group is committed to each other, not for fear-based accountability, but for loving, vulnerable tenderness. It is based on three I’s: Imitation; Identity; and Intimacy.
With an identity group like this, leaders can help each other process the emotions that arise from life experiences with a mutual mind. This allows leaders to accept their raw, difficult emotions (anger, fear, sadness, shame, disgust, hopeless despair) and ultimately turn them into wisdom. [5]
Leaders who operate from a relational mindset avoid falling into enemy mode, where people become obstacles rather than image-bearers of God.
This echoes Jesus’ call to lead with humility (Philippians 2:5-8). When leaders remain relational, they reflect this Christlike humility, keeping the fast track (relational engagement) active rather than getting stuck in the slow track (problem-solving without connection).
Joy as a Leadership Strength
Nehemiah 8:10 declares, “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” Joy, as Warner and Wilder repeatedly emphasize, is central to resilient leadership. Neuroscientifically, joy helps leaders prioritize relationships over “getting things done.” This also keeps leaders from burnout—helping them return to relational thinking even in conflict. [6] Theologically, joy is an indicator of God’s presence and a sign of spiritual maturity.
Overcoming Emotional Reactivity: Getting “Unstuck”
One of the biggest challenges in leadership is emotional reactivity—when leaders get stuck in fear, insecurity, or control instead of leading with relational strength and resilience.
Using the metaphor of a 4-story building and the elevator as the fast track (see my attempt at illustrating this, below), Warner and Wilder describe how the limbic system (2nd Floor) can hijack leaders, causing them to react out of fear or shame rather than wisdom. Scripture provides clear examples of both fear-based leadership and leaders who endured hardship well by staying relationally grounded.
The Limbic System and Fear-Based Leadership: King Saul vs. David
In this 4-story model, a leader stuck in fear-based leadership often operates from the limbic system, which is designed for quick, emotional responses but not for wise, relational leadership. In Scripture, King Saul is a prime example—his leadership was marked by fear of people’s opinions (1 Samuel 15:24), insecurity, and reactive decision-making that led to his downfall.
By contrast, David—though imperfect—often responded from a secure identity in God. When faced with criticism, betrayal, and hardship, he frequently returned to joy through worship and trust in God’s presence (“You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” Psalm 16:11). This ability to regulate his emotions and remain relational is a hallmark of RARE Leadership’s “Return to Joy” principle.
Emotional Resilience & Returning to Joy: Insights from Dan Siegel’s Wheel of Awareness
Neuroscientist Dr. Dan Siegel’s “Wheel of Awareness” is a model for emotional resilience that aligns with the RARE Leadership emphasis on “Returning to Joy.” Siegel emphasizes that self-awareness and mindful attention allow leaders to interrupt emotional reactivity and engage their higher brain functions. He writes that the “three pillars of mind training include the cultivation of focused attention, open awareness, and kind intention.” [7]
In a similar way, RARE Leadership teaches leaders to create habits of mind that help them move past fear-based reactions and return to relational connection.
In practical and theological terms, this means that leaders must develop the habit of returning to God’s presence in difficult moments. Psalm 46:10—”Be still and know that I am God”—illustrates how spiritual stillness helps leaders engage the fast track (right brain relational thinking) rather than getting stuck in the slow track (left brain problem-solving in isolation).
Aligning “Endure Hardship Well” with Paul’s Resilient Leadership
Warner and Wilder’s principle of “Enduring Hardship Well” is exemplified in Paul’s leadership journey. In 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, Paul writes:
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
Paul faced immense hardship—imprisonment, betrayal, and persecution—yet he refused to let fear or emotional distress dictate his leadership. Instead, he remained relationally connected to his team (his identity group of allies), his mission, and God. This reflects the RARE Leadership model’s call for leaders to stay grounded in relational joy and identity rather than reacting out of stress or fear.
Leading with Joy, Resilience, and Relationship
Leadership is never just about strategy or expertise—it is deeply relational. As I reflect on my own leadership challenges, I see how easy it is to get stuck in reactivity, control, or problem-solving at the expense of connection. Yet, Warner and Wilder’s RARE Leadership reminds us that true leadership is about remaining relational, acting like ourselves, returning to joy, and enduring hardship well. (My prayer for these times: Lord our God, may our leaders discover RARE Leadership soon…)
This model is not just a modern neuroscientific leadership strategy; it is profoundly biblical. From David’s returning to joy through mutual mind with God, to Jesus’s relational leadership, to Paul’s endurance in hardship, Scripture consistently shows that great leaders do not lead through fear or control but through humility, relational connection, and joy. Neuroscience reinforces this truth, demonstrating that leaders who engage relationally are healthier, more resilient, and more effective.
At its core, RARE Leadership challenges us to lead like Christ—not by asserting power, but by prioritizing relationships. Whether in ministry, business, or personal leadership, the call remains the same: stay relational, return to joy, and lead with love.
1 – Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership; 4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2016).
2 – Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy; Rediscovering Our Hidden Life in God (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1997), 322.
3 – Warner, Wilder, 55.
4 – Henri J.M. Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus; Reflections on Christian Leadership (New York: Crossroad, 1989), 62-63.
5 – Warner, Wilder, 138-139.
6 – Warner, Wilder, 33.
7 – Daniel J. Siegel, The Developing Mind; How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are, Third Edition (New York: The Guilford Press, 2020), 66.
About the Author
Debbie Owen
Deborah C. Owen is an experienced spiritual director, Neuro-based Enneagram executive and life coach, disciple maker, professional writer, senior librarian, and long-time church Music Director and lay leader. She has earned the award of National Board Certification for teaching excellence, and a podcasting award, and is pursuing a Doctor of Leadership degree through Portland Seminary at George Fox University. She lives in the backwoods of Maine with her husband and flat-coated retriever. She spends as much time as she can with their 3 grown children, daughter-in-law, and 2 small grandchildren. Find her online at InsideOutMinistries.info.6 responses to “Leadership That Is Resilient, Relational, and RARE”
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Debbie,
Great post and way to lay out the book and leading with joy. You mentioned a challenging situation with a person at your church. I wonder if you think there is ever a time to walk away from a relationship? The book certainly placed a very high value on maintaining relationships above all else but I wonder when the time is right to cut those relationships and move on? For example, Paul and Silas broke ways for a while. Or Jesus certainly did not maintain relationship with the Pharisees. So, how do we decided when to pursue engaging in a hard relationship and how do we decide when to move on?
Thanks Debbie. I appreciate your post so much. How is this book helping you with your NPO?
Hi Debbie, in your view, how do you balance the quick, emotional responses of the limbic system with the need for wise, relational leadership?
Debbie, I’ve been in that same situation as you are currently faced with at church. In fact, as I read RARE Leadership, I found myself asking what I would do differently the next time I find myself back in that situation. What stood out to you in our reading that you feel inspired to apply in real-time to this challenging person?
Hi Debbie, Thank you for engaging with the neuroscience aspects of the book. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on what it means to engage relationally when there’s little reciprocity. It’s something I’ve experienced in my own context, and it can be incredibly draining. I suppose this highlights the importance of having a strong support system to sustain us.
Have you ever experienced this—a deep desire to grow relationally but finding little reciprocity? How have you navigated that challenge? I’d love to hear any wisdom or advice you’ve gained along the way.
Hi Debbie! Thanks for sharing this and the contrasting depths within the leadership conundrum. You mention t”e “RARE Leadershmodel’sl’s call for leaders to stay grounded in relational joy and identity rather than reacting out of stress or fe”r.” How have you found this practice helpful?