Know When To Walk Away!
Let Them Be Wrong
I have learned to let people be wrong. It is something that I have learned to do over time, after many failed attempts at trying to convince someone of something that they did not want to be convinced off. My sister is highly skilled at letting people be wrong. She and I could not be more different. She is extremely smart, knowledgeable in many areas, and has a quiet strength, a grace about her. When she is in a room full of people you would surely recognize her beauty, it’s unmistakable, but you may not know how she feels or what she thinks. She is listener, a masterful observer. She does not feel compelled to correct and definitely has no interest in arguing. I do not possess a fraction of the things that make her amazing. I have my own gifts and biting my tongue is not one of them. Fortunately, it can be learned and watching my sister for years has helped me figure out how to do it gracefully.
I appreciated the section on “How to Let Friends (and others) be Wrong”. The authors suggest that utilizing a key phrase can help you navigate these types of conversations. They recommend that, “Saying “I hear you” is a powerful and easy way to let your friend know you’re listening. It’s also useful when you aren’t sure what to say next.” [1] I contend that this will only work if you want to keep listening. I find it difficult to do so for any extended length of time, especially when what they are saying is not only wrong but filled with crazy and made-up facts. I suppose conversations with friends are a bit easier to remain engaged and put effort into listening and responding thoughtfully because there is a relationship that may be worth preserving.
False Facts
But what about the conversations with those that you don’t have a vested interest in maintaining a relationship? What about the conversations with people with whom you are casually acquainted? What about the conversations with those who hold the most insanely outrageous beliefs supported by equally outrageous non-facts? These are the most difficult conversations to have and the most challenging to remain engaged and respond with “I hear you”. It is these conversations that we want to shout, “Stop Talking!” The authors state, “The most difficult thing to accept for people who work hard at forming their beliefs on the basis of evidence is that not everyone forms their beliefs in that way.”[2] I agree with this fully. Not everyone forms beliefs based on facts, as Boghossian and Lindsay share “many people believe what and how they do precisely because they do not formulate their beliefs on the basis of evidence-not because they’re lacking evidence.”[3] It is difficult not to state facts, statistics, actual true accounts when faced with this type of reasoning or lack of reasoning. As the authors remind us, “Offering evidence-facts—almost never facilitates belief revision for any belief with moral, social, or identity-level salience.”[4] They also state that most of the time, “Introducing facts with the intention of changing someone’s mind, except under rare circumstance when there is no moral, social, or identity concern, gives your conversation partner a reason to become more entrenched in her beliefs.”[5] So, what are we left with? Is the option to just listen to things that we know to be false? What is the point of that?
God’s Work To Do
I think the best approach is to only engage in conversations, difficult ones, when you have the patience to actually listen. I think that it is important to know your triggers. I think that you must know when to walk away. I think that under no circumstances should you engage with the intent of changing someone’s mind, which is for them to decide to do. And most importantly, sometimes you have to just listen and be okay with not correcting. I often say to myself in difficult situations and conversations, when I feel like I’m not making any progress, “This one is God’s work to do. It is beyond my ability!” Some things aren’t for me to fix and I’m okay with that.
[1] Peter G. Boghossian and James A. Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide (New York, NY: Hachette Go, 2020), 75.
[2] Ibid., 99.
[3] Ibid., 99.
[4] Ibid., 100.
[5] Ibid., 101-102.
About the Author
Jonita Fair-Payton
14 responses to “Know When To Walk Away!”
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Jonita, you wrote that “some things aren’t for me to fix,” and “This one is God’s work to do. It is beyond my ability!” I read that, having just been in a text conversation with someone over the weekend where I wish that I had had that perspective when I went to sleep Sunday night. I do know that God is still working on me, and I am hopeful that he is providing me with more self-awareness of where I often need to be silent where in the past I would be prone to say something (in this case, via text), only to regret saying it the next day. Thankfully, by God’s grace I kept me mouth (text) silent when the back and forth wasn’t going how I thought it should go. Your post has reminded me that God is the one (and, thankfully, not me!) who is working on both myself and the other person in this case, as this is particular text conversation is indeed “beyond my ability” to solve.
Travis,
It helps when you actually hit “post comment” which I thought that I did last week!
As much as we want to fix things or offer just the right words to “turn things around”, it is not always ours to do. We are not meant to fix it. I have found peace with this; it has released me from my need to make it right.
“This is God’s work to do”.
Wow, that’s wisdom.
I often have people approach me at church and tell me Something that’s so insanely crazy that I want to shout “You’re out of your mind”.
But I’ve learned the art of walking away from the conversation (or never having it). After years of trying to engage, and correct, I’ve realizd that even as a pastor, absent relational equity, the conversation does no good to them, and just frustrates me.
But it’s still hard. I want to correct people in the 30 seconds I have to give, which is never enough. I’m going to start repeating the mantra “This is God’s work to do”.
Thanks
Tim,
Yes…keep the manta going in your head. But also know that there are moments when you actually may need to scream, “you are out of your mind” but don’t do it without a plan b. I’m not sure it would go over well with your congregation. : )
Thanks Jonita,
I think I lean more towards your sister and my wife, towards you. In the midst of a disagreement, I can be (too?) quick to say, “Sure…whatever” meaning, “I don’t need to talk about this and convince you”…to which my wife says, “It drives me crazy that you won’t talk about this because you are convinced you’re right!”. Sometimes that’s true…other times…I just don’t have enough to waste my relatively limited word count on a topic I don’t care that much about. Thankfully we’ve stayed married for 30 years!
Having said that…letting people be wrong…and trusting God to reveal Himself and change a person’s heart and mind became much more difficult when it was related to my young adult son struggling in life and eventually walking away from his faith (or sliding over to agnosticism). While I didn’t over use my words and try and convince him (I actually retreated because I couldn’t handle the sadness I felt)…I was still firmly trying to control things and arrange circumstances so that he could re-encounter God and come back to his senses (I am the ideologue convinced of my rightness!). Letting him be wrong meant letting go of control….AND letting God be God in His life. That was really hard….and I’m still learning how to joyfully engage with my son and not have his struggling faith cloud the entirety of our relationship and my own feelings. It turns out letting people be individuals in their own journeys with God is harder than I thought! And in my engagement with my son’s ‘wrongness’ I recognized some of my own ‘wrong responses’ of retreat and control. Turns out we all have some right and wrong in us!
I’m grateful that I am not letting my son go into a vacant void…but into the Father’s care, who is able to do much more than I could ever accomplish!
Scott,
Whoa…you taught me something here,
“And in my engagement with my son’s ‘wrongness’ I recognized some of my own ‘wrong responses’ of retreat and control. Turns out we all have some right and wrong in us!” Ouch…I recently was faced with my own “wrongness” when I was sure it was ALL the other person. I am still swallowing that bitter pill. I guess I am also, “God’s work to fix!”
Hi Jonita,
Learn to walk away. I, too, have come to use that, especially when it comes to immigration.
During the election one of my bible study men reminded me that “God has this.” If he an use Nebuchadnezzar and Darius, then he certainly can use WHOEVER.
That released me from spending any more emotional capital on the issues. In the same way, I am learning to let other people be themselves. While at the same time continuing in the direction God has called me.
Like Elijah, God continually reveals to me the like-minded folk that move together with me in the direction HE has laid out for us.
Perhaps I am lazy, but I learned this a long time ago, “words whisper, actions thunder.” I am trying to let my actions speak for themselves.
Sigh or maybe I am just lazy.
Shalom.
Russ,
I am still struggling with this, “That released me from spending any more emotional capital on the issues. In the same way, I am learning to let other people be themselves. While at the same time continuing in the direction God has called me.”…but I am trying.
Hello from Ecuador. I have messy jetlag so this will be a quick, just get to eight replies kinda thing.
I agree with the “just let them be wrong” idea. There is a Holy Spirit and I am not Him!
🙂
John,
I am glad that you made it back safely. As for the Holy Spirit, it ain’t me either.
Jonita, your last paragraph was really a great synopsis of what I took the whole blog to say. (Big surprise that I struggle with being concise!) I really like the self- check you advocate- to really understand your emotional state and intentions BEFORE engaging. Scott already connected this with how we disagree with our kids- this is where I usually fail to do that self-examination until AFTER I have come unglued. I’m still growing!
Jen,
Oh yeah! I can relate to this, “Scott already connected this with how we disagree with our kids- this is where I usually fail to do that self-examination until AFTER I have come unglued. I’m still growing!”, I’m right there with you. It is especially hard with adult children.
Hi Jonita,
Thank you for your insightful post. I enjoyed reading your writing, which shows your clear thinking. You wrote, “You must know when to walk away. I think that under no circumstances should you engage with the intent of changing someone’s mind, which is for them to decide to do. And most importantly, sometimes you have to just listen and be okay with not correcting.” My question is what was the most difficult conversation you ever had with someone that made you feel the need to “walk away”?
Blessings.
Dinka,
It was a conversation about unlawful killing of black motorist by police officers. I had to walk away because all I could think of was my 16-year-old son possibly not making it home one day and the person kept insisting that a black male motorist is more than likely a threat to a police officer. I had to walk away and pray that God could change their heart and pray that if my son is ever in that situation that he would be met by a police officer with a loving heart.