Keeping my mouth shut…leaning into Authentic Leadership
In a recent Monday Cohort zoom chat, a fellow doctorate student (namely, Greg McMullen) shared one of his tips on writing his blogs. He said that when considering what to write, he lets his ideas “pass through (his) heart” and then begins to organize his ideas around this.[1] Reading Northouse’s Leadership Theory and Practice prompted me to heed Greg’s strategy. What was my heart saying when I read through the various leadership theories Northouse amply provides? My thoughts focused on wanting to create a polished blog as I promote several of the leadership theories in Northouse’s text in the trainings I have provided for business managers. I know that I could easily hide behind a professional mask if I did this. I have learned all too well that whatever is presented on the “front stage will win approval.”[2] I have resolved not to take an easy track in unpacking leadership theory, but I am asking the hard questions of myself, specifically, what leadership theory is most needed in my life at this moment in time? What theory would be best suited for the challenges I am facing? Why fear the “backstage” where I know there are “frustrations, disappointments, doubts, failures, and weariness?” [3] I will write this blog for my personal benefit, addressing my leadership role as a mother and highlighting my own experience instead of giving details about my children’s dating relationships. I am in a critical season of my life where I believe authentic leadership is needed most.
Authentic Leadership with Young Adults
I am a mother of four children and my two older daughters are currently seriously dating. Navigating this season has not been easy and parenting young adults has felt like a labyrinth. Being a parent to someone who is in their early 20’s looks incredibly different than parenting children ages 0-16. This leads me to consider how I might be an authentic leader, someone who is attempting to adapt to the needs of those in my home and change my “role from parent-child to adult-adult.”[4] Northouse proposes that authentic leadership in chapter 10 has “four distinct components.”[5] I will discuss three of the four components: self-awareness, internalized moral perspective, and relational transparency. Balanced processing is the fourth component and not directly addressed in this blog. My blog will note how I am growing in these areas and honestly, where I am challenged and potentially stuck.[6]
Self-Awareness– Just typing these two words brings a hearty laugh. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, it has been difficult for me to set aside my professional role when it comes to my daughters’ dating relationships. I am aware that it is second nature for me to process most aspects of relationships and there is the possibility that these insights (if shared) can be received as critical feedback. I feel for the guys who date my daughters!! So, I am challenged, and seek to live into the interpersonal definition of authentic leadership where the “focus (is) closely on the leader and what goes on within the leader. It incorporates the leader’s self-knowledge, self-regulation, and self-concept.”[7] Often, I am processing: “How might my communication be received? Is it the right time for me to share? Oh, God….please help me shut my mouth!” Knowing these thoughts (and prayers) is one thing and regulating them is another. “Self-awareness refers to the personal insights of the leader…(it is a) process in which individuals understand themselves, including their strengths and weaknesses, and the impact they have on others.” [8] My strengths and weaknesses are in my face; they are inescapable.
Internalized Moral Perspective- I was taught by my parents that there is one time in a person’s life when there is permission to be selfish and that is in choosing a marriage partner. Another moral perspective my parents handed down to me is that the biggest decision in your life is accepting Jesus as your Savior and the next decision is the person you choose to marry. I do believe my daughters are wanting to be led by their internalized moral perspectives, many that I have handed down to them. I hope to continue to communicate an authentic approach which “strive(s) to do what is right. The framework of (this) approach serves as a guide to these actions” [9]
But I believe my daughters have some idealized distortion in their relationships. The past twenty-five years, my husband and I have helped couples with pre-marital counseling, and we often gauge how realistic each person is in how they view their future spouse. Prepare and Enrich provides a fantastic assessment that measures idealistic distortion and many other areas in the relationship. [10] My daughters are smart and are evaluating the patterns that their boyfriends have in relating but they fall prey to idealizing and romanticizing the other person. This is common, so much so, we see it in many Rom Com’s (Romantic Comedies) which portray the “perfect relationship.” It is my hope that my daughters will count the cost and know that a couple years invested in a relationship may be worth giving up to wait for a spouse who potentially is a better fit or who God has for them. Greg McKeon captures this idea in his book Essentialism: “Essentialists see tradeoffs as an inherent part of life, not as an inherently negative part of life. Instead of asking, “What do I have to give up?” They ask, “What do I want to go big on?” The cumulative impact of this small change in thinking can be profound.” [11] What my daughter’s choose remains to be seen.
Relational transparency– How I interact with each of my daughters and showing interest in their boyfriends has a great impact on our relationship. When my second daughter first began to date her current boyfriend, I would not talk about him, and this was hurtful to her. I have learned that I need to show interest in her relationship and not “wish people away.” I believe Shelly Gable shares some insight to responding well in the training she provides her clients in building strong relationships: “when an individual responds actively and constructively to someone sharing a positive experience, love, and friendship increase. (She teaches) four styles of responding: “active constructive (authentic, enthusiastic support), passive constructive (understated support), passive destructive (ignoring the event), and active destructive (pointing out negative aspects of the event).” [12] I need to grow in my constructive support with my daughters. I hope to “resolve problems in a way that makes relationships stronger when they are finished.” [13] I would like to provide genuine unconditional positive regard for my children. I agree with the quote, “Every child needs at least one significant adult who is irrationally positive about them.” [14] I hope to lead my family in a way that keeps communication open. I am challenged by looking at the authentic leadership model and how it might inform my relationships with my adult children.
Authentic leadership is needed at this time in my life and I hope to be aware of myself, hold onto moral perspectives to guide me, and relate in transparent/constructive ways with my adult children. Psalm 143:8 provides an authentic prayer, “Let the morning bring word of your unfailing love. For I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”
[1] Greg McMullen, February 13, 2023 DLGP zoom call 7:55am
[2] Simon Walker, Leading out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership, 2007, p.24
[3] Ibid. p.27
[4] Jim Burns, Doing Life With Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out, 2019, p. 99
[5] Peter G. Northouse, Leadership: Theory and Practice 5th ed., 2010, p.207
[6] Ibid. p.207
[7] Ibid. p.206
[8] Ibid. p.217
[9] Ibid. p.209
[10] Prepare and Enrich, Idealistic Distortion, https://dsministries.com/idealistic-distortion/
[11] Greg McKeown, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, 2014, p.156
[12] Martin E.P. Seligman, Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being, 2011, p.173
[13] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership:4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead, 2016, p.127
[14] Jim Burns, Doing Life With Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out, 2019, p.46
About the Author
Kristy Newport
12 responses to “Keeping my mouth shut…leaning into Authentic Leadership”
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Kristy,
Bless you. Thank you for the compliment and way to go! You are way out in front of the pack with your blogs.
I am praying that you will be the read deal prototype with a woman leader/pastor in your denomination. You are an incredible gift with something incredible inside of you to share with the world.
Thank you Greg! Keep sharing your heart!
Kristy, Thank you for such a well-written and vulnerable post. I appreciate you sharing your struggles as a mom of adult children. I still remember the shock of hearing that phase “parents of adult children” and realizing that I was now part of that crowd. It is not easy to find the balance between still being “Mom” and respecting their autonomy. One of my go to tactics with my daughter is to ask her if she just wants to share something/vent or if she is looking for my feedback. This helps immensely in knowing when to keep quiet (at least for the moment). Are there ways you can communicate with your daughters that allow for them to feel heard? You wrote, “My strengths and weaknesses are in my face; they are inescapable.” I can understand how that is difficult. I am very attuned to body language and tone of voice. I have had some conversations with my daughter over the phone where I can mute myself (or my husband) to diminish the unintended negative feedback she feels at times.
Your daughters have learned from you and know the importance of choosing a life partner. They see it modeled in you and your husband. They see your passion for marriages. I am a romantic and understand the idealized “perfect relationship.” I imagine I would have endlessly frustrated you when my husband and I were dating. Trust that the foundation you have laid for your daughters is a firm one. I know you are praying for them continually. God loves them even more than you do and He wants what is best for them. How can you best be their champion as they navigate this season of life?
Becca,
Thank you for empathizing with me and where I am at.
I am grateful to have good communication with my daughters. Recently my eldest asked me what my thoughts were and it was so refreshing to share some of what I was thinking. I am trying to wait to be invited to share.
I can champion my girls in the many other facets of their lives…work, church involvement, friends, “how is your car running?”, and sharing prayer requests. I am blessed to have good relationships with them.
Kristy – Thanks for sharing. I have 4 sons and one beautiful daughter. My daughter is approaching that time of dating. I am praying for my sons to make good choices but when it comes to my precious princess I think I may start to do something more than praying! I can’t imagine her falling in the wrong hands.
Jean,
Thank you for sharing Jean.
I hear your daddy’s heart come through your words!
I pray you have good relationships with future daughter-in-laws!! I also pray that whomever your daughter chooses to be with….he will be a man after God’s heart and someone you enjoy having a friendship with! Let your daughter know….she will need to bring him home for a father’s blessing! 🙂
Great advice, Kristy,
You share great insights; authenticity is essential in every aspect of our lives as Christians.
Kristy – Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable post. It hits close to home as this is the stage ahead of where Brandi and I are with our children. I can see that this will be a particularly challenging season no matter the outcome, because a future spouse will not match the love, time and hopes I have for my children. Of course, I will be viewing all of this from years of marriage, mentoring other couples and my own personal work. I know I can see things that they don’t see, yet they need to experience and grow through their own choices (and trials) just as I did. I do love the vision you give from McKeon’s work, “Essentialists see tradeoffs as an inherent part of life, not as an inherently negative part of life. Instead of asking, “What do I have to give up?” They ask, “What do I want to go big on?” What a great reminder in choosing a partner in life but also career, hobbies and anything we invest our one life in. I will be checking back with you to see any advice you might share as you walk through this with your family.
Kristy, I’m so glad you wrote this blog from a backstage perspective, instead of a front stage perspective! Thanks for your courage and vulnerability. It seems like when people are vulnerable in writing, it gives us all a chance to engage deeply and learn something new and transformative. You invited us in to a “tender” area of life, as you mentioned, and we can definitely relate with empathy and/or our own experiences.
It seems like there is almost nothing stronger than the desire as a parent to have a good relationship with our kids and for them to know how much we and God love them. (That makes me think of God’s relationship with us. Hmmm, I’ll have to give that more thought.) It’s clear you have such a desire for your kids to be loved and respected well by their future partners. I feel the same! It’s so hard to watch our kids making choices that are hard for us to accept and it’s hard to know how much to say, based on our experience and life lessons learned over time.
I love how you wove Northouse into such a practical application in your life. I also really appreciated the extra sources you brought in to your discussion. This quote, as Chad highlighted, caught my attention: “Essentialists see tradeoffs as an inherent part of life, not as an inherently negative part of life. Instead of asking, ‘What do I have to give up?’ They ask, ‘What do I want to go big on?'” That is applicable to so many areas of life and brings such a positive reframing to areas that can seem full of loss.
Your blog is packed with memorable, heart-felt points and will stick with me. Praying for all of us as we navigate current and future parenting “labyrnths” with our adult kids. Thank you, Kristy, for sharing this rich post!
Amazing post. I love the honesty. That is truly authentic. I appreciate the advice and perspective of this unique time of parenting. I’m sure it can be stressful but also a blessing and opportunity. My daughter is 11 (going on 20) and I often fear her teens and 20’s and the relational dynamics that come with them. Thank you for your wisdom and leadership.
You had me at a hard stop here….. My brain went into a frenzy for you: “Navigating this season has not been easy and parenting young adults has felt like a labyrinth.”
And now… I present to you one of your books that you will write and share all the knowledge with me… I mean us! HAHA
“How to use authentic leadership to help create a new dynamic of parent/adult to child in order to foster healthy relationships and communication.”
By: Dr. Newport
Ok… It’s lengthy right now…. but you have something here gal!
What is your number one piece of advice that you cling to while raising your adult children?
Alana,
Thank you for your vote of confidence!! It is fun to see Dr. Newport 🙂
I am incredibly grateful for my children’s relationship with God. I believe they are pursuing God and wanting to be sensitive to His leading. I pray for my children often and I pray Scripture over them. I don’t believe this is advice but I believe this is foundational for my husband and I in having a good relationship with our adult children.
Our marriage/what we role model is big! I know they have always watched and continue to experience our commitment to one another. Our words match our actions.
Thank you for your question 🙂