JOHN 4.0
Like any good story, the setting, background, and character development are paramount.
I am John. Like Jimmy in The 100-Year Life, I was born in 1971. My parents were born in 1951, just a few years apart from the fictional character Jack. My dad is currently 73 years old and remarried after my mom passed away at the age of 60.
My wife and I, each 52 years young, have 4 children, each “Jane’s” with their respective “Jorge’s.”
So far, a large portion of this book’s character development could have been explicitly written about ME and my family.
Now for the setting: I have been reading The 100-Year Life while attending our annual denominational convention, which conveniently extended into a vacation with my wife and me, giving us three Sundays away from our congregation and my preaching responsibilities. While on this extended vacation, the first few days were sadly marred by Denise and I not being on the same page emotionally and relationally. Simply put: I was being an ass. I tend to get emotional and introspective (ok, ok, let’s call it what it is: moody) when I’m at denominational events. I question who I am and my overall purpose in life and ministry. And when I go on vacation immediately following that, I tend to carry the angst and frustration into what should be an excellent, relaxing time of connecting with each other.
Thankfully, we worked through it by talking together about The 100-Year Life. It’s a true story. I needed to process a lot about my future, calling, profession, finances, passions, and purpose, and this book was the perfect platform to do so. It was a right time, right place resource. Thank you, Jesus.
What was really encouraging during a couple of discouraging days is that my wife and I have been actively pursuing a four-stage life, even though the modeling I received from my parents (and educational system) supported only a three-stage life. It wasn’t until reading this book that I was able to put language to what I was sensing about the need for another stage in addition to or beyond education, a career, and then retirement.
Here’s some more background. You see, I went to college at the age of 17 (!) and at the age of 18 (!) I began my career in pastoring, which I still hold to this very day. At 21 years old, I had my bachelor’s degree in pastoral ministry. At 35 years old, I completed my master’s Degree, sensing that further educational advancement would be necessary in our changing landscape. Plus, I was somewhat bored with my job. That degree didn’t come with a larger salary. Instead, I just knew instinctively that I needed to give room for the possibility of a career shift from what I have known since I was 18. Gratton and Scott implore the reader to this end: “Whoever you are, wherever you live and however old you are, you need to start thinking now about the decisions you will take to make the most of this longer life” (pg. 1). They go on to explain that this involves a balance of “the financial and the non-financial, the economic and the psychological, the rational and the emotional…family, friendships, mental health and happiness are all crucial components” (pg. 6).
With The 100-Year Life as a springboard, these vital topics were points of intense conversation between my wife and me in various locations on our Miami Beach vacation. I sincerely apologize to whoever sat near us because the dialogue was often emotional, and Denise freely shed tears. It sure wasn’t pretty, but it sure was necessary. My wife and I were (re)figuring out our 100-Year Life. I say “re” because these conversations are not one-and-done; they must be regurgitated and recommitted to. You see, previously, we had decided that starting my doctoral degree at the age of 50 was a calculated investment into our “retirement.” With an earned doctoral degree, I ought to be able to morph my current career into various options that align with my calling and expertise. That could include, but not be limited to, adjunct teaching at a university, executive coaching, consulting, or other freelance ministerial work. I don’t really want to pastor a church into my late 60’s or early 70’s. I don’t fault those that do, but it is not my desire. Because of the newfound language of “the 100-year life,” I now realize that it is pretty likely that I/we will live into our 90s or 100s. This book has awakened the “math” of that in me. That means I and my wife could have approximately 30-40 more years of vitality! Wow. Even typing that sentence is blowing my mind.
Therefore, I must be even more conscientious about the 4th stage. What hit the proverbial fan during our denominational convention and subsequent vacation is this: I have actively and adequately planned for the economic future of a longer life, but I have not been as good about my emotions, marriage, family, friendship, mental health, and happiness aspects. In other words, I could gain the whole world (financial) and lose my soul (relational, emotional, marital, etc).
So, what’s my plan? Granted, it’s still wet cement, but here is what I have so far:
1. Finish my doctorate with my marriage, ministry and love for Jesus better than ever.
2. Prayerfully plan with my wife regarding the timing and execution of a “post-pastorate” life.
3. Aggressively reduce unnecessary spending and reduce, if not wholly payoff, debt, including our vehicles and home.
4. Maintain the loss of 30-35 lbs of body weight, so I can live health and vital.
5. Now, as empty-nesters, meal prepping and grocery shopping once a week in order to eat healthier.
6. Schedule weekly times for conversations of this nature with my wife so they don’t blow up again while on vacation!
Gratton and Scott said it well: “A 100-year life needs more saving rather than spending, more recreation time converted into re-creation, and more capacity and willingness to engage in challenging conversations with partners about roles and commitments. It involves making tough decisions now for potential gains in the future” (pg. 288).
If I do this, my future life (and wife) will thank me.
Raise a glass…here’s to JOHN 4.0.
About the Author
John Fehlen
John Fehlen is currently the Lead Pastor of West Salem Foursquare Church. Prior to that he served at churches in Washington and California. A graduate of Life Pacific University in San Dimas, CA in Pastoral Ministry, and Vanguard University in Costa Mesa, CA with a Masters in Leadership and Spirituality. He and his wife Denise have four grown children and four grandchildren. John is the author of "Don't Give Up: Encouragement for Weary Souls in Challenging Times," a book for pastoral leaders, a children's book called "The Way I See You," and the forthcoming "Leave A Mark: The Jouney of Intentional Parenting." You can connect with John on Instagram (@johnfehlen) as well as at johnfehlen.substack.com.14 responses to “JOHN 4.0”
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Oh John, I feel so much of what you said you feel in this post.
I too, get weird at denominational meetings. I too, question my call, wonder if what we are doing is really making a difference in the world and is relevant to anyone besides those gathered in the room, etc.
My husband and I are also facing being empty-nesters in… okay six years, so not right around the corner but as two have already moved out, and only two more are left home, it feels more empty than ever. And, we are both hitting a point where we want and need to make more money.
I hope this doctoral degree will lead to more opportunities – I’m just not sure how much for FINANCIAL opportunities it will actually lead to. I’m hopeful but not counting on it.
I appreciate the honest in your post, the questions, and the wrestling. Thank you.
The thing I dig about you Kally is how, like me, you have no problem being vulnerable and open. And that you also process outloud. Books like this help me process – through writing and through speaking. My staff and congregation tend to know what I’ve been reading and thinking about – which can be both a blessing and a curse.
You dropped a bomb when you said you wonder if denominational meetings are “making a difference in the world and is relevant to anyone besides those gathered in the room.” Man, I wonder that too. But part of the reason I keep hanging on (perhaps like an abused spouse) is that deep in my gut I hold out hope that we’re moving the ball forward.
Here’s to hope!
Hi John,
This is a great introspective post. I too engaged with my wife about “her” next educational steps.
Mine have sort of returned to the source….I am hearkening back to an old book I read “The Man in the Mirror, ” by Patrick Morley. Morley asked the question, “What is your Spiritual Mission?” This caused me to pause…eventually over time Act 1:8 became my life verse and my spiritual mission, “”But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” This essentially took me on the road (I lived overseas for 30 years).
In time my action verse became, Deut 10:18, ” He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing” These verses have become my “purpose.”
I use them as filters for the projects that come my way. AND the last verse serves as the biblical base for my NPO.
From my Epilogue.
We were warned about leaving food out and leaving food out with small children. The quiet Slovak hills were loaded with bears who wandered into the campsite looking for snacks (little kids included). Apparently, old men with coffee cups (although I discovered bears love the smell of coffee) are less tasty. The quiet of the Kalacno forest surrounding our soccer field (substitute for a baseball field) was quiet, calming and I felt at peace with the world. Soon 200 children and staff would emerge in organized laughter and chaos, but this moment was mine.
Rare Leadership: 4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead, by Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder | Mar 18, 2016, speaks to my return to Eastern Europe this summer. Chaotic baseball and soccer drills, games, and bad camp food were knocking on my mental and spiritual door. The following I week I would be in Ukraine, then Hungary (the place of 26 years of missions’ work).
I was happy.
I also rediscovered my joy and perhaps my next stage of life’s GOD purpose – GoodSports Director for Ukraine and straight out of left field, GoodSports Kenya.
Apparently, at 65, God is not finished with me yet.
Let the games begin!
Oh….GREAT title.
Thanks! This actually was the 1st book I read, and 1st blog post I wrote this semester. I read/wrote at a hotel in Miami, and then on a cruise to the Caribbean.
I had lots of wide open water to gaze at as I considered my “fourth stage” of life as I endeavor to live to 100, for the glory of God!
Russell, you never cease to inspire me. I want to be like you when I grow up. I’m 53 and I’m living out my mission, which is:
T – Train leaders (to never stop growing)
I – Inspire followers (to follow Jesus)
P – Pastor a community (not just a church)
Oh, and…“The Man in the Mirror, ” by Patrick Morley is a classic. I can visualize right where it is on my bookshelf!
John 4.0 sounds like an amazing plan!!! I’m cheering for you!!! Denominational meetings certainly prompt questions. . . calling, purpose, ability to sustain the ministry life past 55, and maybe some “betrayal trauma” from leaders within the denomination.
When you set up goals for yourself (personal, career, family, financial, etc.) what are some practical ways that you keep those goals in the forefront of your mind? Sticky notes on a computer. . . art. . . journal?
First thing…”betrayal trauma” has come up more than once in the last few weeks – first, from Tammy Dunahoo, then in various meetings I’ve been in since returning from DC. Interesting. I need to dig deeper into this. And yes, denominational meetings brings that up. I recently bemoaned to my wife and best friend (Tim) how I have given my energies to this family of churches since I was 17. I’m now 53. That’s a long time, with many opportunities for hurt and betrayal (some even causes by ME). But, like any family, the hurt is outweighed by the hope. I’m still hopeful. Let me say it again (for my own soul)…I am still hopeful.
Now, for your question about goals. This response speaks more to my personal and professional mission, rather than goals. I keep this acronym in front of me:
I exist to:
T – Train leaders (to never stop growing)
I – Inspire followers (to follow Jesus)
P – Pastor a community (not just a church)
I have even establish in my calendar what each day of the weeks particular focus is (T. I. P.). For example, Tuesdays are my sermon writing days, so I know that on that day each week (along with Sundays), I exist to “Inspire Followers.”
As far as goals…I keep a long, computer note entitled “John’s Life Goals.” It’s a bucket list of sorts, super grand and lofty, but I try to attach dates to many of them, so that I have target times to accomplish. Holler if you would like to see my list – it’s got lots of fun stuff on there!
How about you?????
Yes, I would love to see your list!!!
Look for an email to you! 🙂
We are in pretty similar places in our life and career, and I loved reading your 6-point plan. We are also recent empty nesters. Thinking/re-thinking/re-framing our next 15 – 20 years (I say that having just met with a financial advisor with our denomination’s benefits team). The moodiness that you wrote about actually was my experience fairly recently, but it wasn’t on a denominational retreat. It was however, centered around my current work with my denominational context. I asked many introspective questions, aloud (just ask my wife), around calling, next steps, and… what will I do with this doctorate to get behind some of the problems/challeges we perceive coming down the road with leadership and future leaders. Rather than “Prayerfully plan(ning) with my wife regarding the timing and execution of a ‘post-pastorate’ life,” I/we are actively talking about. the timing and execution of some things in a much sooner post-doctorate life.
My wife and I recently had a zoom call with a reputable financial advisor that was recommended to us. We were actually pretty encouraged – we won’t be buying a private jet or a remote island anytime soon, but we won’t be living on the streets either.
Years ago, I made an ill-advised decision to “opt out of social security.” So, we have had to really put the pedal to the medal, for many years, to push money into retirement funds. I tell young people to “start small, but start right away!”
You mentioned “having conversations” with your wife. We are too. This is a slow and sporadic process. My wife is a “stay put” gal, and I am a “let’s explore the world” guy. So anytime we talk about the future it breeds anxiety in her heart. She becomes fearful that anything we even talk about, I may take a leap and execute on that very afternoon! 🙂
So, it’s slow and steady, but I heard somewhere that those are the ones that win the race! Keep running Travis.
John,
Thanks for sharing so personally about your experience with this book. I think reading your blog made a few things more concrete for me. And I do love a good plan. I think my husband and I are going to have this same conversation this weekend. Hopefully with fewer tears, but who knows.
You probably know this…but it’s often more than just one conversation, but rather a series of them.
I remember years ago…I was feeling a strong nudge towards pastoring another church (actually the one we currently pastor).
As Denise and I sat in the Dallas airport on an extended layover, I asked her: “Hey, when can you and I have a conversation about WHEN we can have a conversation about our future?”
Uncharacteristically, she said, “let’s have it right now.” And it was that moment that I pretty much knew she too might be ready to transition from our pastoral assignment to the one we are currently at. You see, prior to that she may have said, “No thanks” or “I don’t want to talk about that.”
So, my rambling point is that it’s never one conversation, but rather a series of conversations.
Now…to end my story: in 31ish years of ministry my wife and I have served at only 2 churches. From age of 21-37 were in Washington State, and from 37 until now we are in Oregon.
That longevity is a testimony to my wife. She is the string on my balloon. The roots we have put down in life and ministry are because of the many conversations that we have had together!
Let me know (if you’d like) how things go in your conversations!