It Is All Lies…
I have had the privilege of attending our current church for about twenty-three years. In that time, I have seen the congregation of around one thousand people regularly functioning as the hands and feet of Jesus in desperate times. Some have lost all their worldly possessions in a matter of hours due to house fires, and many have lost loved ones, some even to suicide. Others have been financially devastated by a crisis that seems to have come out of the blue. Life can be brutal. Yet, our church has rallied around the hurting and lavished sacrificial love in those moments.
This time, the church was doing it again with a single mother named “Sally”. Sally was no stranger to difficult circumstances. Her former husband was no longer actively engaged in the lives of their three kids, who were in grade school and middle school. Thankfully, her parents lived in the house next door and were able to help keep life as “normal” as possible. Normal, that is, until Sally got a devastating cancer diagnosis. After the initial shock wore off, the meal trains and fundraisers started. Keeping money coming in for the family would be an uphill battle. There would be medical expenses, kids’ sports, mortgage payments, normal life expenses, and seemingly endless airplane trips to Seattle for treatment. But the church stood ready for the challenge.
Sky miles were donated to cover the cost of regular airline tickets. Individuals volunteered to chauffeur the kids to school and extracurricular activities, and others met Sally in Seattle to help her manage daily treatments while there. The Senior Pastor and his wife, whose children were grown and out of the house, invested deeply in the process by taking an active parenting role in the children’s lives, even to the point of signing adoption papers in the case of her passing. Day after day, year after year, the church poured into a dire situation. There were glimmers of hope. Through her story, people were coming to faith, and God was beginning to work miraculously with her health!
One morning, the staff was unexpectedly called into a back room at the church for a mandatory meeting. In my heart, I knew that Sally must have passed away the night before. The mood in the room was one of utter defeat as we sat there waiting for the Pastor to come in. As he walked in, it was evident that he was exhausted and emotionally beaten down. He looked up at the staff with an empty face and said, “It is all lies”. We all sat there, confused. What was lies? “All of it”, he said, continuing, “Sally does not have cancer or any other physical ailment, and she never did.” But this did not make sense. I personally saw the skin rashes from treatment. I was in the house notarizing paperwork for adoption while listening to her labored breathing. I had seen her hair loss, bruises, and seizures. Or at least that was what she wanted us all to see and think. Come to find out, we had all been duped.
Sally had harmed herself to appear as though she was sick and receiving treatment. She had spent weeks, if not months, of her life sitting in hospital waiting rooms after her chauffeur dropped her off for “treatment”. Never seeing a doctor, never experiencing healing, and never leading anyone to Christ through her story. The Pastor was crushed, the congregation was confused, and no one knew who they could trust.
During that time, I was the Chairman of the Deacon Body, who, according to the By-Laws, was responsible for addressing substantial grievances against the Senior Pastor. But because no one thought that would ever happen in our church, I was also on staff. People began to bring their grievances regarding my boss to me. In the book A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, the author references this as an Emotional Triangle.[1] In my case, the church members (person A) had an issue with the Pastor (person B). In their minds, he had perpetuated a lie, and now I (person C) needed to do something about it. Unfortunately, I was caught in the middle. I was responsible for addressing the issue with my boss but lacked the power to do anything about it. The weight of the stress was crushing.
The deeper I became enmeshed in the relationship of all the A(s) and the B, the worse the situation and stress became. At the time, I did not know what was happening to me, but I began having deep panic attacks and significant derealization. All the while, I was failing to be the savior of the problem. In hindsight, almost everything went wrong.
- I thought I was stressed from being overworked.[2]
- I lacked differentiation.[3] [4]
- I lost playfulness.[5]
- Blame was being shifted everywhere.[6]
- The congregation wanted a quick fix to reduce their pain and confusion.[7]
Eventually, I crashed due to emotional burnout. I did not leave the house for almost three months. I became severely afraid of being alone, the dark, the wind, the sun, bees, germs…I could barely function, and I honestly thought I was days away from the mental hospital. The last 18 months have been a long journey back from that dark place. But God used that refining time to grow me.[8]
I still reside in liminality regarding how a leader can be engaged and differentiated simultaneously. Still, I look forward to continued digestion of this book despite what feels like PTSD whenever I pick it up. Nonetheless, I am thankful that He is using this class to bring clarity to my heavy experience.
[1] Edwin H. Friedman and Peter Steinke, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (10th Anniversary, Revised Edition) (La Vergne, UNITED STATES: Church Publishing, Incorporated, 2017). 221.
[2] Friedman and Steinke.2.3
[3] Friedman and Steinke. 194.
[4] Friedman’s Theory of Differentiated Leadership – Made Simple, 2015, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaifIIeQC9k.
[5] Friedman and Steinke, A Failure of Nerve. 70.
[6] Redeemer Book Club: A Failure of Nerve, 2023, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QcZ_Hi7A2E.
[7] Friedman and Steinke, A Failure of Nerve. 92.
[8] Tom Camacho, Mining for Gold: Developing Kingdom Leaders Through Coaching (La Vergne, UNITED STATES: Inter-Varsity Press, 2019)
About the Author
Darren Banek
9 responses to “It Is All Lies…”
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Darren, this is a jaw-dropping read. I just did not see that coming. I felt an emotional response of anger reading this deception and tenderness learning of what it caused you. Thank you for vulnerable working this out with us.
You have done a great job working with the triangle here. It’s obvious you comprehended that aspect at a high level and internalized to filter your own experience. Well done.
You end with the seemingly paradoxical tension of how a leader can be engaged and differentiated. I am with you in the curiosity. If I had to guess, it seems like the ability to remain differentiated comes from, at least in part, having already decided on a resolute decision or path forward. Meaning the leader is not taking cues from or being influenced by the emotional reaction s of the other actors in the system. But how do you know with resolution what to do in these incredibly challenging situations? Then the engaged part is maybe allowing the others (the A’s) to have their emotions without taking on yourself.
I don’t see how this is possible when the leader is in a vulnerable position. And from what you described in this blog, it seems like you face significant burnout from the emotional rollercoaster of to all.
I am grateful these past 18 months have allowed a rebuilding of energy and processing. Thanks for sharing.
Christian,
You are right about letting others have their emotions without taking them on myself. That has been challenging to learn. The part I still struggle with the differentiated leader is the idea that they have “already” decided on a path or a route forward. The balance between that decision and being wrong or forced to adjust course confuses me.
If they have already decided, how are they relevant to a dynamic situation?
Darren,
I think this is the right question. How do you make a decision in a dynamic situation and move forward in the face of doubt and triangulation, without being enmeshed in the emotions of others not leading?
If you figure it out let me know.
Dear Darren,
I appreciate how vulnerable and courageous you have been in sharing this. I pray that the Lord would continue to heal you and that the Holy Spirit would guard your heart and mind as you navigate what sounds like recovery from being thrown in the deep end of leadership. I am confident that what the enemy intended for harm, God will use for good. You are here, after all.
It sounds like the liminality you describe of being both present and non-anxious is exactly what Friedman describes. It’s so easy to relate to, and to write about, but a challenge to live out. For me, that’s why it feels so relevant. The things most worth doing are often the things I find hardest to do.
Joff,
You are correct on the most important are often the hardest. Do you have any “go to” tactics for remaining present and non-anxious?
Darren, I read this several days ago and continue to struggle with a response. There is no quick fix for your bullets. It has been said in other threads but is worth repeating here. I do not understand how leaders without faith can push through such a crisis of leadership and of conviction. A cognitive response would be to wash your hands of ‘these people’.
Last week, we had the existential question of whether leaders are born or made and whether anyone can lead. This week, there is an underlying question of why anyone would want to lead. Your desire to be both engaged and differentiated is a testimony that speaks loudly to our room.
Rich,
I find it very interesting as we get further into this program and begin to see the architecture of topics/book selection. The benefits that come from the brief amount of time we have with these specific topics would have been helpful a few years ago. Hopefully, they will help us avoid unnecessary failures in the future and make the desire to lead even stronger!
Darren –
Along with the others who have already commented here, I am at once grateful for your vulnerability and cheering you on in this next phase of your journey. I’m also hopeful you will see (in undeniable ways) God redeeming and restoring what you’ve had to walk through. This Scripture has been a salve to me in very hard seasons, I hope it is an encouragement to you, too: “God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them” (Heb. 6:10, NIV).
Thank you, my friend. I appreciated how that passage points us back to the motives!