Is It Good to Be Single?
“The pastor is not going to support you. He doesn’t believe in single women going overseas. You should give up the thought that this will be your sending church.”
I was told this by many in my congregation as I felt God calling me to serve Him full-time overseas. I was young and confident in both my calling and my desire for my church to send me, so I set up a meeting with the pastor.
That is where I learned his philosophy on missions: male church planters should be sent with their wives. Single women, he said, did not have a place on the foreign field. My question was simple: What do I do with my calling? His advice was to take short-term trips.
I did—I became the queen of short-term trips. During that time, I sensed God’s call to North Africa, a place where gender segregation is palpable. A male church planter cannot even enter legally without a different way to find a visa, and he could never disciple or baptize a woman from the host culture.
The years of relationship and prayer softened my pastor’s heart, and he recognized the importance of women, particularly single women, in the foreign field. In 2012, I was the first person (and, I might add, a single woman) sent out by my church. Today, although retired, this pastor remains one of my strongest advocates.
In Growing Women in Ministry, Anna Morgan addresses the unique challenges women face in full-time ministry. These gender disparities include obstacles to establishing authority,[1] differing paths to authority positions, dissimilar communication skills,[2] social expectations,[3] and the balance between family and ministry.[4] Morgan offers research-based solutions and opportunities to address the challenges faced by women in ministry in egalitarian[5] contexts.
Her insights are valuable, but they are grounded in egalitarian perspectives. As I was reading, I asked myself, “What about my context?” I come from a traditional background where women serve at church with the children, other women, or in the kitchen. My sending organization leans toward progressive complementarianism, and my supporting churches fall somewhere in between. I now serve overseas in a patriarchal Islamic society.
I have chosen to keep my ties to traditional and complementarian churches. I have strong relationships with people, and I also want to help be a voice for change in these contexts. I identified with Morgan when she called herself an “advocate for women.”[6] That is what I do every day in a society where women are not highly esteemed. In my church circles, I strive to be a positive change and advocate for female leaders, regardless of my position or title.
One area where I am especially passionate is serving single women in ministry, particularly those who serve overseas. Not surprisingly, the section resonated with single women in leadership in Growing Women In Ministry. Some of the unique challenges single women in ministry have include societal expectations for marriage, limited leadership growth opportunities, their time and efforts being exploited, and loneliness.[7]
I have experienced all of these as a single female who has served in overseas ministry for 14 years. We make every decision alone—when to rest, how to spend money, or when to take a break. We juggle groceries, bills, ministry, and cultural survival without a built-in support system from a spouse.
Advantages to being single include eating popcorn and cheese for dinner. Single women can be the first to respond when someone is sick, has a baby, or faces a crisis. When they are ill or struggling, they are often forgotten by those with families.
On the mission field, women outnumber men at a ratio of about two to one.[8] Two-thirds of the missionary workforce consists of married individuals. Of the one-third that makes up singles, at least eighty percent are single women.[9] There are many reasons for this that I could expound on. However, one reason comes to mind: singles on the field are some of the grittiest people I know.
Angela Duckworth, in Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, defines grit as the blend of passion and perseverance that produces longevity and fruitfulness. She identifies four elements of grit: interest, practice, purpose, and hope.[10]
Choosing a ministry starts with an interest; for me, it was for Muslim women. Even in seasons of loneliness, having a clear sense of purpose and calling gives reason for what we do. Practice shows up in the steady rhythms of daily life and learning. Without family distractions, singles often have the freedom and flexibility to focus on their goals. And finally, hope —the foundation for every follower of Jesus —keeps us going. Hope is what we find beyond challenges, isolation, and uncertainty.
Hope often shows up through community: a friend inviting me for dinner, a gift of a seasonal candle, or someone willing to step in when a home repair is more complicated than expected. In every season, God has provided what I need, often through the help of others. This season, I have a ministry partner whose strengths complement mine.
Is it good to remain single?[11] In ministry, singleness comes with challenges and advantages. Singles experience things in ways that those married may not. Through my seasons of being single, I have learned the unique joy of dependence: on God, on community, and on grace sufficient for every season. And I am always open to any new adventure God may give me…single or not!
[1] Anna R. Morgan, Growing Women in Ministry: Seven Aspects of Leadership Development (Baker Academic, 2024), 6.
[2] Morgan, Growing Women in Ministry, 36.
[3] Ibid, 81.
[4] Ibid, 83.
[5] A theological position where men and women are equal and can hold the same leadership roles.
[6] Morgan, Growing Women in Ministry, 1.
[7] Morgan, Growing Women in Ministry, 84.
[8] Marti Wade, “More Women in Missions: Four Reasons Why,” Pioneers.Org, March 19, 2021, https://pioneers.org/article/more-women-in-missions-four-reasons-why.
[9] Sarita Hartz, “The Single Missionary, What the Church Should Know,” Sarita Hartz, November 9, 2017, https://www.saritahartz.com/the-single-missionary-what-the-church-should-know/.
[10] Angela Duckworth, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance (Scribner, 2016), 90.
[11] I Corinthians 7:8
About the Author
Kari
Kari is a passionate follower of Jesus. Her journey with Him currently has her living in the Sahara in North Africa. With over a decade of experience as a family nurse practitioner and living cross-culturally, she enjoys being a champion for others. She combines her cross-cultural experience, her health care profession, and her skills in coaching to encourage holistic health and growth. She desires to see each person she encounters walk in fullness of joy, fulfilling their God-designed purpose. “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12 ESV18 responses to “Is It Good to Be Single?”
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Hi Kari, Thank you for your post. It was good to read through your ministry context. I particularly appreciate that you brought grit into your post. In the work that you do, do you see yourself passively or actively building leadership skills with the women around you?
Thank you, Diane. I like to think I take an active position on leadership development with others. It is often just be a simple coaching question asking where they want to go and how they want to get there. That can then be followed up with some accountability and encouragement.
Power to single women Kari!!
In your opinion, how can churches and sending organizations more intentionally support single women in overseas ministry? Especially in contexts shaped by traditional or patriarchal norms, without compromising their autonomy or calling.
Oh Shela! If more people would ask that question, listen to the response, and then choose only ONE thing to actually apply, all singles on the field would feel so loved and supported!
Here I go on my soapbox…
–Responding to email or text updates helps us remember we are not forgotten.
–Sending a quick text when the person come to mind is often EXACTLY at the right time when we need support or encouragement.
–Asking questions about our lives and ministry helps us remind ourselves of our calling and invite you into their lives–you’d be shocked at how little people ask, especially family and close friends.
–Sending a random personal gift like $5 dollars to have a coffee on you, an Amazon e-gift card (even if we don’t have Amazon, we have Kindle!), or asking if there is a subscription like Spotify or Netflix you can pay for them. These feel like big hugs from God!
–Go visit (and ask what you can bring them!)! There is nothing like feeling supported when some comes specifically to visit you. Very few singles workers get visitors in my country. My theory is that it isn’t a touristy area and we don’t have grandkids incentivising parents to come.
–When we’re in the US, reach out and give 2-3 options and dates to meet up. Scheduling can be a challenge. It is always refreshing when people take the initiative and give multiple choice options than me having to take all of the initiative.
…I’ll stop there! Thank you for asking. It truly means a lot to me and the singles your church has on the field.
Instead of starting a new thread, I’ll tag onto Shela’s, because I love her question and your answer. This is, indeed, a gritty post and you show pluck, perseverance, and patience with those who simply don’t understand. Thank you for your good work.
I’ll add another question if you care to answer it: What was it that changed your pastor’s mind about supporting you? And do you think it might be applicable to other complementarian-minded pastors? What makes a difference in changing minds?
Thanks for your kind words, Debbie. The Holy Spirit is definitely who changed my pastor’s mind. Practically, I built a relationship with him — I stopped being a just congregant and became “Kari, the single nurse who feels led to serve God overseas and randomly brings the office snacks.” He no longer just delivered sermons, but I learned he is someone with a generous and humble heart whom I wanted to learn from and grow from.
In my approach, I was respectful and listened to his advice because it was wise. I had regular meetings, keeping him informed about my short-term trips and what God was teaching me. The office staff all knew me for my semi-regular visits. I also built relationships with the other two pastors, who could bring in different perspectives. I prayed and fasted, this kept me grounded in my calling and the Spirit’s leading. I saw what having a healthy, Godly relationship can do to change hearts and minds.
This is more than you asked for, but 10 years later, I was being very unfairly treated on the field as a woman. He was my biggest advocate in that situation. He and his wife continue to be precious friends and mentors to me. In short, building relationships in a God-led way is what changes hearts.
Dr. Kinard,
I know your story and context well, but I really enjoyed seeing it captured in written form. You mentioned that you remain connected to more traditional church settings and are part of a complementarian sending organization. What might it look like for those institutions to intentionally encourage and build you up in your leadership overseas? And what more do you think could be done to strengthen that support?
Great question, Elysse. I would love to hear your own answer to it as well.
For these orgs and churches:
1. Asking how they can intentionally encourage and build us up.
2. Acknowledge the differences between single and married women’s experiences on the field by asking about them and how to support us.
3. Come visit! We don’t get the same level of visitors as people with grandkids do. Visiting us allows us to have people in the US who have seen and experienced our lives. Experience speaks far louder than words.
As you know, we often feel neglected and left out. Perhaps a big part of that is that we are busy staying alive and using our singleness to the fullest. Feeling seen is a big encouragment in its own.
Kari,
Thanks for your perspective as a single female. I was going to put single women are about 5:1 ratio of single men but I didn’t want to look up the stat to confirm…
How can married couples on the field help the single women and recognize their unique grittyness and leadership qualities?
Adam, you’re spot on. Some stats say 5:1, others 4:1. In my country, it is always at least 10:1 at any given time. For one 6-month period, we had an 8:1 ratio. Married couples can include singles in conversations and activities with both the husband and wife. Usually, we only have a close connection with the wives, but often our ministry experiences relate more closely with the husbands. Having healthy relationships with both genders, 1) is healthy for us especially in our Islamic context, 2) help affirm our roles there as a female who is not primarily taking care of kids/house, 3) acknowledges us as a real person and not an “inbetween” status (which happens when we’re excluded).
Kari – I loved your post. While I wasn’t raised in church, I was raised in a community with hardly any men around.
Do you think the standards would be different for a woman who was widowed and decides to follow God’s call on her life in ministry abroad? Also, how does your family support your ministry life from PA?
Thank you, Jennifer! Yes, the standards are absolutely different for widowed women if they lived overseas with their husbands. I have seen this time and time again–they are encouraged “as they continue the work of their late husbands.” I have seen this several times. Widowed, then going over seas is usually viewed differently with older women than younger ones.
My family is not one of my primary support systems here. They help a bit with logistics when I’m in the US, but I have had to find other sources of “familial” support while over here.
Kari, thanks for sharing your experience as a single person. What would you say to someone who feels pressure to marry in order to be ‘fully qualified’ for ministry?
Graham, that is an excellent question and one I have dealt with often. When I hear that argument, I usually have two responses:
1) What is the true motivation behind feeling that you have to be married? It isn’t usually a spiritual conviction, but often an excuse for internal turmoil, as we feel pressured to choose between marriage and ministry.
2) What Biblical support do you have for this?
If we really look into our own motivations and what Scripture says about singles serving, it will one’s perspective in the right place–at least it does for me!
Hi Kari, I learn more about you every week. It is interesting to hear how you did not allow the opinions of others helped to shape your ministry trajectory. What part of Morgan’s reading best intersects with your life and ministry context?
Daren, What stood out to me in Morgan’s book is the idea that, regardless of the role and title, women are leaders and should be mentored into that role.
Kari – great post and thanks for sharing honestly. I 100% agree that singles on the field tend to have an extreme amount of grit. I have a special appreciation and respect for singles like you. I know that singles have to do things like budgeting by themselves, compared to a married couple that can do it with the support of their spouse. What advice do you have for married people who want to come alongside and help in these things? Sometimes it feels invasive to offer support in something like budgeting (because it’s a very personal and often private thing).
Hi Christy, Thanks for the great question. I wish more couples would ask! Firstly, these kinds of questions and offers to help are not invasive in the context of a relationship, so, develop relationships with singles (this relates to my answer to Adam above). Secondly, clear is kind–be direct and honest, even in sharing your fears of overstepping. Thirdly, listen to what the singles are not directly saying. We give hints all the time unintentionally– “Nothing stresses me out more than…(my car, dealing with electricity).” These are ways couples can reach out and offer friendship. Don’t be afraid to be specific, “Hey, we are free this Saturday, can we come and help you hang those pictures?”
Several couples come to mind who did this for me. We were all intentional at building a relationships. They were always quick to jump in and offer help. I am independent, but it is a relief knowing that I have some guys I can call on if I get stuck. I recently changed a doorknob with a system I’m not familiar with. My friend Rob was “on call” if I got myself into a pickle. His wife wanted him to just come and do it for me, but I wanted to try first (Rob was very supportive of this, too!). He never needed to come, but he did get a few videos asking questions!