In Memory of Nex
Last week, Nex Benedict, a sixteen-year-old non-binary student was beaten up at school by fellow students, and later died. The following day, when asked his thoughts on the matter, the Oklahoma State Senator for that district, Tom Woods, responded, “We are a religious state, and we are going to fight it to keep that filth [LGBTQ people] out of the state of Oklahoma because we are a Christian state – we are a moral state.”[1]
I was shocked, ashamed, disgusted, and deeply angry at Senator Woods’ response. As the stepmother of a beautiful and kind, Christ-loving young adult child, who also happens to be transgender, I have battled my emotional desire to pen a strongly worded letter to the Senator. How can an elected leader make such a callous statement? Why would he ever think it is okay to degrade the humanity of a child who just died? What is this Christian state that he speaks of; I do not recognize it. How do his comments increase the risk of my child being harmed?
Perhaps it was naivety, but I always understood that elected leaders are to represent all their constituents, not just those with whom they share the same views. Somewhere there should be a middle ground of truce and common bond, even if just a single thread. Didn’t that once exist? Using this week’s blog to process this situation is certainly helpful. But it also means that I must self-assess whether qualifying my feelings as righteous anger is in fact, the correct path.
In his book, Thinking, Fast and Slow, author and Nobel Prize winner, Daniel Kahneman, introduces behavior economics that offers psychological insight into our personalities and decision-making processes. Naming them System 1 and System 2, Kahneman describes System 1 as the fast-thinking, intuitive approach that is emotional and prone to bias. A good example of this would be the Senator’s response, which was an off-the-cuff remark that sorely lacked the care and consideration of Nex’s grieving parents and community. It also reflects my emotional desire to strike back at the Senator in a way that would fall on deaf ears and likely not God-honoring.
System 2 demonstrates analytical thinking and complex reasoning, which takes time to pause and consider the facts. It also requires self-restraint and ego control, which can be exhausting, leaving us more apt to make poor choices out of a lack of energy. As author Tim Harford said in How to Make the Word Add Up, even the facts can be slanted to reflect emotion rather than reason.[2] So do we place more value on the experience of living through something or the memory of it relived later on? Kahneman posits that remembering is a construction of System 2; however, he also acknowledges that our memories fail over time, thus making our continued reliance on System 2 even weaker.
So, what does all this mean for the future of children like Nex and their parents who find themselves feeling isolated, surrounded by leaders who sabotage them for being different or un-Christian? As for me and my house, we shall love the Lord and ALL his children. Full Stop. But it also means recognizing my sinful nature and humbling myself to love those whom I may not even really like, such as this Senator. Boundaries will be especially important for sanity and diplomacy, but if I want to walk the talk of Jesus, I must tamp down my emotions and let the Lord guide me.
In Peacework, Henri Nouwen says “A Heart that loves friends and enemies is a heart that calls forth life and lifts life to be celebrated. It is a heart that refuses to dwell in death because it is always enchanted with the abundance of life. Indeed, only in the context of this strong loving “Yes” to life can the power of death be overcome.”[3]
My prayer is for God to continue working on my heart and mind so that I can see everyone through his eyes and that I may courageously demonstrate his love through kindness and respect. I pray that he will continue to use me and my home as his welcome center for marginalized people, who remind us that Jesus, too, was once a marginalized citizen. Amen.
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[1] KFOR.com Oklahoma City. “State Senator Calls 2SLGBTQ+ Oklahomans ‘Filth’ after Question on Legislation and Nonbinary Student’s Death,” February 23, 2024. https://kfor.com/news/local/state-senator-calls-2slgbtq-oklahomans-filth-after-question-on-legislation-and-nonbinary-students-death/.
[2] Harford, Tim. How to Make the World Add up: Ten Rules for Thinking Differently about Numbers. London: The Bridge Street Press, 2021.
[3] Nouwen, Henri J M. Peacework: Prayer – Resistance – Community. Paperback edition. Maryknoll, New York: Orbis Books, 2014.
About the Author
Jennifer Eckert
Fundraising director, people connector, believer in second chances, fights poverty, supports justice reform, lives a life integrated with Matthew 25.9 responses to “In Memory of Nex”
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Jennifer,
I remembered reading the heartbreaking story about Nex, and the response of the State Senator, which made me angry and sad that our nation has come to this point — divisive and combative.
As you continue to nurture and guide your child through life, know that I will be praying.
Maybe this quote from Desmond Tutu is helpful: We are made to tell the world that there are no outsiders.
And as you bend your heart to the triune God, may you sense the presence of God nurturing your spirit and love for all.
Question: if you were given the opportunity to address Senator Woods, what would you say?
Shalom.
Hi Nancy,
Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. Your prayers and the Desmond Tutu quote are much appreciated. For several days, I have considered your question. I don’t think there is much I could say to Senator Woods that would matter much to him. While I might remind him that every person is made in the image of God – even those with whom he disagrees, it would likely fall on deaf ears.
It is very easy to judge others until you suddenly find that circumstance in your own home. Your perspective changes.
Another Senator is a close friend of ours. At the start of the pandemic, this person vehemently opposed the COVID vaccine and masks. He was very public about his opinion. But sadly, his 35-year-old son and business partner died from it. I have watched this Senator become a completely different person due to the trauma of losing his son and the guilt of realizing that his opinion may have influenced his son’s choice to avoid the vaccine.
So I go back to how easy it is to pass judgment on others until it lands in your own home.
Bless you, Nancy
Hi Jennifer, Thank you for your heartfelt post. Your anger is very understandable. I was particularly drawn to your introspection on your reaction to the Senator’s inappropriate remarks. It shows that you are clinging to the Lord and also practicing some of what Kahneman talked about when he said his hope was that our awareness of our own way of looking at things has an impact on our responses. (paraphrase)
My question is something I am not sure I would have an answer to am really curious of your thought on it. Knowing that biases are so very difficult to change, do you think there is any potential benefit in writing to the senator?
My prayer is that your child will always know the love of your family and especially the Lord.
Thank you, Diane. Briefly, I thought about sending the Senator this blog post, but it was only a brief thought. For me, what would be more valuable is to pray that God will show me more about His nature in this situation. His goodness because that is where hope is.
Hi Jennifer. Oh wow, sorry that public figures make comments like that in such an insensitive way. The news didn’t reach our shores, and I’m unsure of the timing of his comments, but if that was his first response and in context, it is truly shameful.
You are clearly able to speak with some authority on the issue that Nex faced leading up to the incident. How can we bridge the gap between differing beliefs and perspectives in our communities, particularly when confronted with divisive statements like those made by Senator Tom Woods?
Great question, Glyn. To bridge the gap, I think we are called to very intentionally reach out to marginalized populations. To build real relationships in those spaces because when you have established mutual trust, you can better listen and learn from each other. That is when you will truly see that we are more alike than unalike (per Maya Angelou).
Doug and I host what we call “Salty Dinners” at our home with people from other faiths, political ideologies, ethnicities, etc. They are some of the richest conversations ever and we always feel so humbled by the gift of learning about something and someone new. It certainly puts us out of our comfort zone. I encourage you to try it out!
Jennifer, thank you for your vulnerable post. Like Glyn, I had not heard of this on my continent either. Ironically, I could only access the article through a US VPN. The way you address your own heart’s response is a Christ-like example for all of us. What are some practical ways you have learned to help tame emotions when System 1 wants to react, such as in this situation (as I am battling my own emotional response to this news)?
Thank you for your beautiful reply. Time to pray and think about the situation is key for me. But pray for clarity from God rather than just rehashing the angry story in my head over and over again.
Empathy is a gift and in fact, was among the top five for me according to Clifton Strengthfinders. But the shadowy side is that I can get into an emotional rut that paralyzes my ability to see or hear Jesus in the experience. Since I am aware of that quality about myself, I have to be much more intentional about setting mental boundaries just like I would physical boundaries. Sometimes that is easier said than done.
Prayer, prayer, prayer…and meditation to listen.
Jennifer!!
Such a sad but good post. When encountering adversity, it’s important to respond with love and understanding, even towards those who hold opposing views. I find myself questioning the existence of a middle ground where different views can coexist peacefully. Henri Nouwen’s words are true, showing how love can conquer hate and unite people.
Is there any reality to think we can spread love and acceptance to combat negativity and bring people together in our communities? It seems so hopeless sometimes.