Identifying Where We Get our Identity
We have just started a new sermon series on modern-day idols at our church and this past week I spoke on the idol of ‘success/achievement’. Like most preachers, it took me 35 minutes to essentially say a relatively simple truth: we will always be tempted to bow down to the idol of success as a way of ‘making a name’ for ourselves if we have not found our identity as a beloved daughter/son of God.
I felt like this truth—minus the ‘as a beloved daughter/son of God’ part—is implicitly and explicitly found throughout Brené Brown’s book, Dare to Lead. (1)
For example, it’s found…
• In her own self-disclosure of her own insecurity, at times, regarding her own leadership—“I’m not enough.” (2)
• In her addressing shame as the biggest threat to our ego and sense of self-worth (3)
• In the list of Daring Leadership—“Knowing our value.” (4)
• In the notion of ‘Armored Leadership’—“Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. (5)
• In people’s desire to hustle for their worth—“not understanding our value.” (6)
• In the definition of Shame—“an intensely painful feeling…of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. (7)
• In the pithy statement: Who we are is how we lead. (8)
I could add more….but it doesn’t look very good if I have too many “Ibid’s” in my footnotes!
What I didn’t quite apprehend in my inspectional reading of her book is where she believes a person should ‘get’ their sense of self-worth/value or identity from. Brené speaks about ‘knowing your value’ on page 98, but that seems to be more related to knowing the strengths we bring to a team or organization. Near the end of her book she writes,
“The three most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our lovability, divinity, and creativity. The reality check around our lovability: Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable. The reality check around our divinity: No person is ordained to judge our divinity or to write the story of our spiritual worthiness…”(9)
While she doesn’t come right out and say it in her book, it seems that we are not simply the ‘protectors’ of our identity (in the healthiest sense of that term) but perhaps also the ‘generators’ of our own value, based on the stories we tell ourselves and live into. While I believe there is power associated with the ‘tapes’ we play in our mind, it seems like the absence of a declared worth by God keeps even the most ‘daring leader’ on an achievement or success-based treadmill.
The Christian alternative, of course, is so beautifully exhibited by Jesus, who understood his own belovedness:
Luke 3. 21 When all the people were being baptized, Jesus was baptized too. And as he was praying, heaven was opened 22 and the Holy Spirit descended on him in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.”
And because of that, he felt no compulsion to ‘prove Himself’ to satan as satan seeks to plant doubt into Jesus’ mind concerning His identity (that the Father had just declared over Him):
Luke 4.3 The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.”
Equally beautiful, we see Jesus leading vulnerably and with humility as He serves His disciples by washing their feet. The precursor to such servant-hearted leadership?
John 13.3 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4 so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist…
This secure identity allowed Jesus to resist the temptations to prove Himself (or make something of Himself) and freed Him up to serve others in vulnerable and daring ways.
In Brené Brown language: Jesus could be both vulnerable and daring because He knew who He was and whose He was…but that was not a self-generated thing (at least in His humanness)…it was gifted by the Father as it is gifted to each one of us–people made in His image (and therefore of intrinsic worth and value).
Having not read any other Brené Brown books, I am left wondering where she would look to in order to find a healthy, stable, non-anxious, secure sense of self? Do any of my classmates know?
And having said all of that, I would like to be a more daring leader, particularly in relation to having hard conversations with my staff. Dare to Lead was both challenging and helpful in this regard.
(1) Brené Brown. Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts (London: Vermilion, 2018).
(2) Ibid. 51.
(3) Ibid. 75.
(4) Ibid. 77.
(5) Ibid. 79.
(6) Ibid. 97.
(7) Ibid. 126.
(8) Ibid. 164
(9) Ibid. 267.
About the Author
Scott Dickie
4 responses to “Identifying Where We Get our Identity”
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That’s a great analysis, Scott. I didn’t find that but I think it’s important to recognize where writers are pointing people to and come to terms with the worldview that might support.
That said, I really did enjoy and benefit from a lot of what I did read in her book. It’s part of what I am learning in this program, to discern what is helpful and what is suspect in each book.
And I wanted to say, I’m really glad you are back in our cohort. There was a “Scott” hole without you there, and your unique experience, perspective, and contribution is really important to our (at least my) learning!
See you in DC.
Thanks for the kind encouragement Tim….that’s something you bring to this cohort in beautiful ways! I also enjoyed the book and, truthfully, focussed in on identity as it was top of mind after preaching. I could have very easily written a lot more about my need for increased courage to have (what I make up to be) difficult conversations with the people I lead. This is a continued area of growth for me, even though I have been aware of it for several years. Enjoy the downtime over summer!
Hey Scott, I love how you take a part a book. I’m wondering if you have a photogenic mind because you always remember so much. And you are such a good critical thinker! WOW! I envy that in you.
I have an easy question for you but I don’t want you to reply to me. Just do it when you’re ready. What and when is the next hard conversation you will have with one of your leaders?
Scott,
I wanted you to love the book and Brene…I wanted you to enjoy reading it. I appreciate your honesty…but I still want you to love the book and enjoy reading it.
I have a question.
Do you think that vulnerability is an important quality in a Leader?