I wonder if we could have made it
In 2017, our family answered the call to become a foster family. We embarked on the journey with high hopes, unrealistic expectations of adoption, and a desire to be the difference for at least one child. As we entered into foster care, we quickly realized our support network was quite thin and that we were in way over our heads. Despite having three biological children, we were severely under equipped to parent teenagers who have a history of extreme trauma.
One of our kid’s arrival brought a whirlwind into our lives in a way that I couldn’t have anticipated. This challenged our initial belief that they would seamlessly integrate into our family like our biological children. As the challenges increased, my feeble attempt to improve the situation was to exert control, attempting to play the role of the Holy Spirit. Looking back, I wish I had understood the wisdom from Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians:
I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. (NIV)
Indeed the “Holy Spirit does the work of refining” as described by Tom Camacho in Mining for Gold (page 95). Praise God this is true. Foster care taught me that not only is it impossible to play the role of the Holy Spirit, it’s also exhausting. Imagine trying to make a plant grow through sheer effort, a task bound to yield no fruit.
Camacho’s insight on boundaries being the “key to thriving relationships” (page 160) resonates. Early in our foster care days, one of our kids asked me if she could choose the radio station when we were going to various appointments. Thinking that this was a small sacrifice on my end, I agreed. After several months, I was tired, frustrated, and SICK of the music choice. In a moment of weakness and anger, I finally broke and told her that I’d have to take back the radio station privileges.
There were a million little things like this that I sacrificed early, thinking it would be the loving thing to do. My heart was sacrificing out of a place of love, but I didn’t realize at the time that the pace of sacrifice was unsustainable and it would soon lead to bitterness and resentment.
After 2 years into our foster care journey, we hit a wall. Mental health issues were becoming debilitating and the stress seemed too much to endure.
So we threw in the towel.
This is a decision I’ll have to live with my whole life, and one of great remorse and sorrow. We couldn’t keep going. To terminate a placement with a child that already had a deep sense of abandonment wasn’t something we took lightly. We had given everything away and simply had nothing left to give. We came to the end of our emotional resources and realized that she had tremendous needs that we couldn’t meet. Our only way forward was to give up.
While the radio station wasn’t the final straw, it was one of many boundaries that I violated that led to the burnout.
Brené Brown teaches on generosity and says that the most generous people in the world are those who have good boundaries. I remember when I first heard this, I lacked understanding, and thought that people with strong boundaries were often selfish. But after our child left, I realized that we had violated so many boundaries, we gave beyond our point of generosity. And I often wonder, if we had healthy boundaries all along, would we have been able to adopt? It was true, if we had healthy boundaries, we may have been able to extend our generosity for years, decades, or even generations. But unhealthy boundaries lead to overgiving in the short-term, which ultimately leads to us cutting the long-term generosity short.
As I think about coaching principles, I wonder what it would have been like if we had a coach teach us to mine for gold in the foster care journey. I wonder if we could have made it.
In some dark moments of our foster care journey, the Lord reminded me of this Scripture, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30, NIV)
In the Lord’s goodness and sovereignty, we have been able to stay in touch with J. While life presents a host of challenges, she is more resilient than most. Would you join us in asking the Lord to pour out his kindness on this child, and reveal that he is the good father, just waiting for her to come home?
About the Author
Christy
10 responses to “I wonder if we could have made it”
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Dear Christy,
I am sorry to hear about the struggle and the difficult decision you had to make. I cannot imagine how challenging it must have been for your foster child to endure the separation as well. As I read your closing paragraph, I paused and sent J a prayer.
Thank you for introducing, ‘Brené Brown teaches on generosity and says that the most generous people in the world are those who have good boundaries.’ I have never read this before.
I am curious about how the experience of setting boundaries around the radio station choice influenced your overall approach to establishing boundaries in your foster care journey.
I am glad that you have been able to stay in touch with J. You are likely the most consistent and caring person in her life.”
Hey Christy! First off, let me commend you on the attempt to impact someone else’s life through foster care. Certainly not the easiest assignment but you did what you felt was best and I stand in prayer agreement with you as you navigate your relationship.
I think you are spot on when you speak of boundaries. The unfortunate part about this principle is you learn by experience. I read Henry Cloud’s Boundaries and that was a game changer. Camacho’s reference to partnering with the Holy Spirit is also priceless and often overlooked. As you sojourn with the Holy Spirit as your guide I truly believe better is on the horizon!
Christy, your story reminds me of a former co-worker (R). She adopted a couple kids who had Reactive Attachment Disorder along with other mental health diagnoses. Both of these kids had previously been adopted, abused and wound up back in the foster care system. R spent a lot of time and effort to love and support these kids. Ultimately, the boy matured into a tall strong teenager who attacked R. Unfortunately, in order to set a healthy boundary and protect herself, R had to sever the adoption. She was devastated and had so many different emotions over the entire situation. However, while this relationship did not work out, R had fostered other children previously and was actually able to legally adopt them after they became adults, something Ohio law allows. I am glad that you still have contact with J. I also glad that you saw fit to set a difficult boundary and gave up. While there are no perfect parents, I believe that the time J spent with you has made a lasting impact on her and you will be rewarded for that. I’m wondering how this impacted your biological children? Is this something they ever bring up in conversation? Have you been able to use it as a teaching tool for them?
Hi Jeff, thanks for your comments and encouragement. It was such a special point in our lives, we talk about it often as a family. There were many things that J taught us, but one of the biggest things was to be slow to judge others. When you are blessed enough to grow up with little to no trauma, you are also susceptible to lack of understanding in those that have experienced extreme trauma. J taught all of us that life isn’t so simple, you can’t always control your destiny, and grace is needed for all of us.
Christy, first off, thank you for such a vulnerable share. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been. You pose a powerful question in the what-ifs regarding the potential for a different outcome if you’d had a coach with you, helping to mine the gold AND at the same time, while reading your reflection it sounds like you did have that coach ( the Holy Spirit). Although it may have taken you a bit longer to glean the insights than you would have liked it seems in the aftermath there have been so many revelations that have already changed you and your family for the better. I also wonder how this experience and your learnings can be applied to support others as they discern their capacity to take on foster kids and strive to build healthy living environments for everyone involved. ❤️🙏🏾
Christy, thank you for the vulnerability and for sharing your foster journey. Your story serves as a valuable teacher in a couple of ways. Establishing healthy boundaries is a significant consideration, especially when desiring to give of oneself generously. Thank you for that. Also, thank you for inviting me to consider coaching as a parent. As I read “Mining for Gold,” I honestly didn’t consider coaching my children. You mentioned wondering what it would have been like if a coach had taught you to mine for gold in the foster care journey. After reading this book, do you see yourself mining for gold with your three biological children?
Hi Chad, thanks for your comments.
As my children have gotten older (now all over the age of 13), my role has shifted. I’m still their mom, but I’m also a coach. The Lord has taught me that I’m not in control, and ultimately, they will make their own choices, and learn from them.
This revelation was tremendously freeing for me. As a mom, my heart wants so many good things for them. I want to protect them from pain, sin, and suffering. As they’ve grown up, I’ve learned that while I cannot prevent these things in them, I can coach them in repentance and running to Jesus in hardship.
As my children have come to faith, I have such confidence in the Holy Spirit to do the work in them. This too is freeing. He will do the work, and I get to be blown away at his kindness and love for my children.
Gosh Christy, you are a hero! To sacrifice everything to lift up another is surely the gospel in action and something that will never be forgotten by J. The love of Christ poured out through us is like a seed that will one day bear a beautiful harvest. We are standing with you in faith, praying that you will see the joy of salvation, healing and reunion for J. Undoubtedly we all learning in the journey of life, and there are many regrets we all have, wether comments, actions or feelings. I am always comforted by the thought that “we did our best at that time.” While not every season worked out as we hope in life, that we did our best, is the greatest comfort.
Thank you for opening your home to J! For loving J! For caring for J! Nothing will be forgotten and nothing will be missed. The gold in J, was mined by you and it will soon shine.
YES, Glyn! My sentiments exactly. Christy, thank you for taking this difficult step of faith and your vulnerability in sharing your story. It seems like God has and is using this experience for His glory in your life and others.
I can’t help but ask, what would you have lost if you would have “made it” in your foster journey?
Hey Christy, I have tears in my eyes for all of you in your post. Thank you for sharing it. What made me the most happy is that you are still in touch with J. I will definitely be praying for her (and for you and your family). I believe your experience will bring a gold lining to you one day. I think most things do. Whether it be your personal journey or being able to lead and help someone else learn from it all, it will be invaluable. I also pray that J will look back and see the good things that you tried to show her and that your time with her taught her things that she may never have experienced without you. Ps 34:17-18 comes to mind: “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I pray that she will cry out one day to God’s loving arms.