I Never Said My Life Was Pretty.
The one thing I do know about myself is that I will take responsibility for my actions. The other thing that I know about myself is that I have lived in a fantasy land where everything is going to be okay, and I made decisions based on positive thinking rather than reality.
So, this is the ugly reality of my past and my terrible default decision-making: I have gone bankrupt twice. I lost the only home I have ever owned to foreclosure. I had 2 cars repossessed, had a season where I drank way too much, lost my two daughters through a divorce, went to prison for three years, and my youngest daughter, Kelly, hasn’t spoken to me for almost 12 years now (never told me why, but I if I had to guess, I would say “see all of the above,”) and that breaks my heart. I have had very high highs and very low lows in life, and the bottom line is that it was all due to my terrible decisions that I regret.
I am very thankful to have a God who gives me a lot of grace and smothers me with love. I am also very thankful to have an amazing wife who does the same thing. Nancy and I had a difficult couple of years after we lost our business in 2021, but I believe that our marriage is stronger and better than it ever has been. I can truly say that she is my best friend, and life is really good today.
In his book “Clear Thinking” Shane Parrish discusses the term “defaults” at the beginning of the book – the emotional default, the ego default, the social default, and the inertia default. If I were to self-examine, I would say I have tended to mirror two of them – the emotional default – “we tend to respond to feelings rather than reasons and facts.” [1] and the inertia default: “We’re habit-forming and comfort-seeking. We tend to resist change, and to prefer ideas, processes, and environments that are familiar.” [2] I actually think these two defaults go hand in hand — if I base my decisions on my feelings and what I think is correct (ignoring the facts), and I am against change and look for familiarity in the outcome, I am ignoring all correct reasonings, which is what I did for so many years.
Parrish says: “Inertia keeps us doing things that don’t get us what we want.” [3] it is a terrible cycle of wrong decision-making. I can look at my laundry list of terrible decisions that I have made and see that it is the same circling of-the-drain thought processes that got me to every one of those instances.
But I do see hope! Parrish writes: “The good news is that the same biological tendencies that make us react without reasoning can be reprogrammed into forces for good.” [4] Even though I have gone through a lot, I have always kept a positive attitude. Parrish states: “The way to improve your defaults isn’t by willpower but by creating an intentional environment where your desired behavior becomes the default behavior.” [5] Even though we had a big bump in 2021 with our business (COVID certainly didn’t help it), I feel that our decisions are going in a much better direction. One of the biggest differences that I am trying to make is to quit being the lone ranger and ask Nancy for her thoughts and advice. I am certainly not perfect at it, but at least I am asking and trying to listen. That is new for me (sorry, mi amor.)
Parish talks of the four key strengths I need to meet my goals and correct my defaults: self-accountability, self-knowledge, self-control, and self-confidence. I have such a long way to go, but I am at least willing to try. I see the huge differences in our decision-making over the last couple of years.
Towards the end of the book, it states: “The overarching message of this book is that there are invisible instincts that conspire against good judgment.” [6] and there is truth to that. Making good decisions is a conscious effort, like associating with the right people, thinking in probabilities, recognizing biases, continual learning, and communicating well. These are not things that just come naturally — they must be sought after, learned, and applied.
I just went with my gut and made selfish and ignorant decisions. I am certainly not perfect by any means in my decision-making today, but at least I am developing tools and techniques that will hopefully help me make wiser and better-informed decisions. This is a great book for me to sit with for a spell and glean from.
[1] Shane Parrish. “Clear Thinking” (New York: Penguin Publishing Group, 2023), 10.
[2] Parrish., 11,
[3] Parrish., 34.
[4] Parrish., 35.
[5] Parrish., 36.
[6] Parrish., 245
About the Author
Chris Blackman
10 responses to “I Never Said My Life Was Pretty.”
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Chris,
Thanks for the honest self-reflection. One thing that Parrish talks about in his book is setting guardrails to help us in our decision making. You mentioned running ideas by Nancy but do you have other guardrails that you might put in place?
Thanks Graham. I do several things for guardrails, depending on how big of a decision it is. First, I no longer make quick decisions. I do seek wise counsel, which is new for me. Yes Nancy is always the first one, then it would probably be my spiritual director, who I have been with for 10 years. I also think through who all can or will be affected by this decision, which is also new for me, and I will always follow this up with prayer and mediation. Fasting if its big!! thanks for asking.
Hi Chris, I am always moved when you share more of your story. Thank you. I really appreciated Parrish’s thoughts concerning intentional environments and aligning ourselves with people whose default behaviors are our desired default behaviors. It sounds like you have this in Nancy! Where else have you intentionally aligned yourself with those who possess default behaviors that are your desired default behaviors?
Thank you Elysse. Nancy is my main person. I do talk with my brother, as he thinks very differently than I do. He is the conservative one in his decisions, where I used to just go with what felt good. One of the companies that I am very involved with in my business is a great example of positivity, teamwork, and just plain good people to be around. I talk to them on a daily basis, and it has been good for me. Otherwise, I live a pretty secluded life. Thanks for asking!
Chris,
Thanks again for another honest post. I would say that you do not struggle with the Ego default as you freely admit your missteps and do not blame others. Thank you for that. I’m wondering if you had one take away from this book or possibly anything from this semester that you could share with your daughters what would it be?
Thank you Jeff. Funny thing is, is that I do have a big ego problem that I battle with, but when it comes to the reality of my life, I am very open about it in the hopes of helping another person by sharing my self-induced struggles,
Good question on my daughters… I would encourage them to reflect on their thoughts, feelings, and actions. Help them see how their thoughts and feelings might affect their actions and encourage them to make choices that align with their values and goals. I appreciate that mental exercise! Thank you
Chris, thanks for your vulnerability and authenticity. You model this well. I have appreciated reading your posts this year for this very reason.
How does a discipleship approach to life align with or differ from the change model that Parrish presents.
Thank you Graham, appreciate the kind words.
Unless I am taking this in the wrong direction, I see Parrish’s change model as a very structured model of specific goals and outcomes, different stages, and structures, whereas a discipleship model, at least in my book, would be more a spiritual process developed in one-on-one relationship building, guidance, and spiritual exercises. Hope that is what you are asking!
Chris, I always look forward to your blogs. I am sorry that you have not spoken to Kelly in 12 years. I just prayed that God would bring healing and restoration to her heart in her relationship with Him, leading to restoration with her earthly father. Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to grow! If I recall correctly, I believe you now teach debt-free living to others. In what other ways has God redeemed some of these gut decisions for His glory?
Thank you for the nice words, Kari, and thank you so much for the prayers for Kelly. I will always have hope.
To answer your question… first, I think that my experiences have brought me empathy and a better understanding for people who are struggling – whether financially, living in a rescue mission, ex felons, or people struggling with addiction. I understand what they are going through and I have tried as best I could to walk with them. That is probably the biggest thing.
I have also watched my oldest daughter Alisha, and her husband go from heavy drug addicts when they were in their teen to twenties (they met in high school) get sober, and living a really good life. They have two amazing kids and they are the best parents ever. Last time I was there, I was complimenting her on being such a good mom. Her reply was that she never wants her kids to go through what she did as a child and wants to give them the best life possible, Where it made me sad, I also realize that there is some restoration in that, and I am proud of all of them.