Humility
The week before we flew to Washington D.C. for our third Doctoral Advance, I was praying about my project while standing in the kitchen willing time to just stand still. With my hands open, I released to God the details of my final project until after October 2. The next day I received a phone call from a CEO of a local retirement community asking me to step into the mediation/conflict-resolution consultant role for two months to help his ten executive leaders. Knowing the doctoral project work that was before me, I agreed to the work if he and his team were open to me using my research paradigm.[1] The CEO, Bill, agreed. I hung up with relief of God’s timely provision. I could hardly wait to apply my shiny new research paradigm to a real conflict situation in a team setting–I just needed to pull up my working definition of humility–or should I say the dizzying number of historical definitions of humility I discovered.
Does Being a Humble Leader Mean Knowing How to Build Relationships?
Peter Schein, a strategy consultant in Silicon Valley and Edgar Schein, an MIT scholar and author of several books on organizational theory, are a father/son team who founded the Organizational Culture and Leadership Institute. Before co-authoring Humble Leadership: The Power of Relationships, Openness and Trust with Peter, Edgar wrote Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking instead of Telling in 2013 where he tells the story of how he truly learned the art of helping others as a consultant: he realized his job was not to tell or give advice but to come alongside others with the attitude: We are here to learn together.[2] In the book we are reading this week, however, Edgar and Peter Schein explore how building personal relationships and trust gives way to leadership that enables better information flow and self-management.
The book’s 30,000 foot theme is that humble leadership can drive transformation by creating awareness of new possibilities and inspiring the team to pursue something new and different.
What’s the Job of A Humble Leader ?
I am sure it must have felt intrusive for Bill’s executive team to find out at their next meeting that because of their interpersonal conflict, someone was coming in to help resolve their conflict. My first job was to meet with each leader one on one. I was aware enough to start asking each one questions and listen. Then the hard work began.
It’s only been two and a half weeks of working with the leadership team yet already I am learning humility in real time–and this learning is fulfilling my project with genuine connection, observation, and personal relationships. Leading with Conflict-Informed Humility is the foundation of my doctoral project and in this post, I reflect on what it means for me to help, teach or train something “new and better,”[3] in humility. But honestly, it didn’t start with me pulling out my shiny, new research paradigm.
Before I met individually with the executive leaders, I envisioned my role and responsibility as someone close to a private investigator, someone a bit mysterious who could coyly ask questions while I expertly shared my new found discoveries on how to walk through conflict with humility. This imaginary role suited me because it gave me a degree of academic curiosity while I maintained a teacher’s stance. Questions like, “What tone do I use in my questions?” “Should I create a laminated 4 x 6 card with the points I want to make about identifying the type of conflict we face?” Or my favorite, “Should I recite my new definition of humility at the end of each interview?”
Yet, the moment I started the one on one meetings with each leader, I realized how limited I was in my perspective and approach. God had certainly been preparing me for this work for many years and perhaps even calling me to be a leader but I wasn’t just to wear my teacher or mediator hat–He was calling me to embed humility into relationships.
What is Our Definition of Humility?
Since immersing myself in the language and land of humility, I’ve discovered many attempts to define humility and more often than not, we simply misunderstand what humility is. The primary word for humility comes from the Latin word, humilitas, which can be translated as humble, grounded or from the earth, since it derives from “humus” or earth.
Augustine reminds us that “almost the whole of Christian teaching is humility.”[4] While the Apostle Paul tells us to do, “Nothing from selfish ambition or vain conceit but to count others more significant than yourselves.”[5] C.S. Lewis writes that “A humble person will not be thinking about humility, he will not be thinking about himself at all.”[6] While John J. McCloy observes that, “Humility leads to strength and not to weakness. It is the highest form of self-respect to admit mistakes and to make amends for them.”
Edgar Schein and Peter Schein offer their definition of Situational Humility: it is a developed skill characterized by the openness to see and understand all the elements by:
- Accepting uncertainty, while remaining curious to find out what is really going on,
- Being open, intentionally and mindfully, to what others may know or observe, and
- Recognizing when unconscious biases can distort perceptions and trigger emotional responses.
They write how developing the skills to clarify and share your insight, and then assimilating what others know can help you influence change (toward something new and better–this is the practice of humble leadership.[7]
This sounds like self-awareness and reflective listening. But is it humility?
How Might God be Teaching Me Humility?
This week I will begin mediations for the ten executive leaders. Now that I have listened openly, recognized my biases[8] and softly educated the group on self-awareness and distorted perceptions,[9] I think the time has come to rightly order relationships within the organization. How else can I or they have a healthy, life-giving, virtuous understanding of humility? Yes, humble leadership creates openness and trust by personizing relationships in the working group,[10] but humility is only ignited as the community with which it is embedded embraces it. I am taking a risk these next several weeks as I hope the mediation work will untangle the interpersonal hurt and create other-centered working relationships because I believe humility liberates us to do so.
Might the work toward something new and better happen when individuals and teams are released from competition and striving and seeking goodness for everyone within the organization or community? As I write this, I am curious how this differs from the book we read this week as I am still working it out.
[1] Currently, my NPO is called Cultivating the Practice of Conflict-Informed Humility. After five months of conducting ethnographic research, I sensed a leading to create a leadership paradigm that supports areas of weakness in Adaptive Leadership.
[2] Schein, Edgar H. Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling. BK Business Book. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., 2013.
[3] Schein, Edgar H., and Peter A. Schein. Humble Leadership, Second Edition: The Power of Relationships, Openness, and Trust. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., 2023. P. 10.
[4] Augustine. The Works of Saint Augustine: A Translation for the 21st Century. Vol 2/2, Letters 100-155. Translated by Roland Teske. Edited by Boniface Ramsey. Hyde Park, N.Y.; New City Press, 2003.
[5] Philippians 2:3-4.
[6] Lewis, C. S. Mere Christianity. New York: Macmillan, 1960.
[7] Schein, Edgar H., and Peter A. Schein. Humble Leadership, Second Edition: The Power of Relationships, Openness, and Trust. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., 2023. P. 10.
[8] Agarwal, Pragya. Sway: Unravelling Unconscious Bias. 1st ed. London: Bloomsbury Publishing Plc, 2020. https://doi.org/10.5040/9781472971364.
[9] Duffy, Bobby. Why We’re Wrong About Nearly Everything: A Theory of Human Misunderstanding. Illustrated edition. New York: Basic Books, 2019.
[10] Schein and Schein, Humble Leadership, Second Edition.
About the Author
Pam Lau
Pamela Havey Lau brings more than 25 years of experience in speaking, teaching, writing and mediating. She has led a variety of groups, both small and large, in seminars, trainings, conferences and teachings. Pam’s passion is to see each person communicate with their most authentic voice with a transparent faith in Jesus Christ. With more than 10, 000 hours of writing, researching, and teaching the heart and soul of Pam’s calling comes from decades of walking alongside those who have experienced healing through pain and peace through conflict. As a professor and author, Pam deeply understands the role of mentoring and building bridges from one generation to another. She has developed a wisdom in how to connect leaders with their teams. Her skill in facilitating conversations extends across differences in families, businesses, schools, universities, and nonprofits. Pam specializes in simplifying complex issues and as a business owner, has helped numerous CEOs and leaders communicate effectively. She is the author of Soul Strength (Random House) and A Friend in Me (David C. Cook) and is a frequent contributor to online and print publications. You can hear Pam’s podcast on Real Life with Pamela Lau on itunes. Currently, Pam is a mediator for families, churches, and nonprofits. You can contact Pam through her website: PamelaLau.com. Brad and Pam live in Newberg, Oregon; they have three adult daughters and one son-in-law. One small, vocal dog, Cali lives in the family home where she tries to be the boss! As a family they enjoy worshiping God, tennis, good food and spending time with family and friends.12 responses to “Humility”
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Hi Pam,
Great post. I am glad the book and your NPO are lining up.
You wrote, “The primary word for humility comes from the Latin word, humilitas, which can be translated as humble, grounded or from the earth, since it derives from “humus” or earth.”
I am at a stage of internal disagreement/conflict with an organization I helped create in 2008. I must confess pride is dominating my approach and your “earth/dirt” reminder is helping me adapt.
I fancy myself a gardener and this was a great reminder to release pride of place and return to the dirt.
Thanks and Shalom.
Russell~
It’s interesting that you automatically went to pride as the opposite of humility from my post. What I really wanted to write about in my post but didn’t was how humility is a superpower for all of us as leaders. Schein’s book was helpful to me in showing how a humble leader enters into working situations as an outsider or as a team leader. The book that speaks more to how humility benefits a leader and their followers is The Joy of Humility–which you may find helpful with your work.
I’ll head over to your post to see what you took from the book. Any new thoughts for you on being a humble leader?
Hi Pam,
I have been looking forward to reading your post on Humble Leadership. I didn’t think the authors gave a great definition of humility, but I did appreciate the skill set that could lead to more genuine humility and their focus on open, trusting relationships in the workplace. You wrote, “…humility is only ignited as the community with which it is embedded embraces it.” I guess the big question is how do we get everyone to embrace humility. And, I agree that our Christian faith is one that has a focused emphasis on humility in which humility is seen as a strength not a weakness. I have been wondering if the definition of true humility has been lost in both the Christian and secular world. What has surprised you the most in your research on humility? What is your favorite definition of humility? Thanks for a great post and a window into your research and project!
Jenny,
I feel like you are here with me as I work these questions out in my heart, mind and research. I just finished the first mediation with the team and I am sitting at a restaurant pondering the work we just did. It was good work. During the mediation, I reminded the two leaders how I want them to experience each other differently by having this important conversation–as I come alongside. I appreciate the questions you ask, “Have we lost the real meaning of humility?” “What has surprised me the most about my research?” and “What’s my favorite definition?” Before I answer all of them, I want to share a story that demonstrates an area of where humility is misunderstood. In today’s mediation, one of the leaders asked the other if the way she communicates to her hurts her feelings. The other leader slowly but surely said, “yes. But only because of your tone not because of what you are telling me.” I watched as the other leader shrunk back a bit and that’s when I pulled out my Dynamic Circle of Humility with 7 adaptations and called her back to the conversation. This leader carries authority well and I could tell she wanted to try to “change or soften her approach”. On the circle, I asked her if she realized that “speaking straight from the heart” is leading with humility? She sat there thinking and said, “I needed to hear that right now. I am a direct person.” For the next 30 minutes, I listened as the two leaders worked out how give and receive from each other’s strengths and weaknesses.
This is getting too long but to answer what surprised me the most in my research so far, it’s that true, God-ordained humility calls forth the whole person we are created to be–it’s not a renouncing of our strengths nor a hiding of our limits or weaknesses. It’s offering both to the community, the team, the family so who God made a person to be is poured out for the building up His Church. When we hold back out of modesty, the group loses out. When we only offer our strengths, people feel disconnected to us. I will write more again in a bit as this is getting too long :). What I want to ask you is if you see more Humility in Asia than you do in America?
My quick answer would be yes, but I’m not sure that is accurate. Humility seems to carry considerably more cultural importance in Asia than in the US. Achievements tend to be down played in Asia (there are always exceptions) and deference common. It may have to do with Buddhist or Taoist values and teaching. I noted in my post that I need to be curious about this and need to explore what humility means in an Asian context while I’m here. Thanks for the question. In humility, I must confess that I really don’t know the answer. 🙂 But I am curious! I will also note that the former Prime Minister of Singapore Lee Kuan Yew was used as an example of a specific kind of humility in our book.
Jenny, I remember the reference to the Prime Minister of Singapore as being a humble leader which caused me to reflect on Desmond Tutu again. What is it about high level leaders that we notice when they are humble or not, yet, those in between or lower we don’t pay as much attention to humility? Perhaps that’s not the right observation. My point in making it is that most likely, both Yew and Tutu learned humility much earlier in their lives and leadership callings.
Back to an earlier question, here’s ONE of my favorite definitions of humility:
In the twelfth century, Bernard of Clairvaux found it necessary to make a distinction between cold humility, which has to do with honest self-assessment, and warm humility, humility transformed by Divine Love. This is why I say humility is not about moderation. I hope your time overseas is a time of reflection and reconnecting with those you are serving with your NPO.
I first heard about the word humility coming from ‘humus’ or ‘earth’ – I read it just a week or two ago in my friend Chad Veach’s new book, about pride and humilty. It’s entitled: “I’ll Bet You Think This Book is About You.” Not only is it the best book title of all time, and I’m jealous I didn’t think of it first, but it is a master class on the biblical value of humility. Highly recommend.
A note about Chad…he is the pastor of Zoe Church in LA. He has been known as one of the OG Celebrity Pastors that has run in the pastoral posse of Wilkerson, Smith, Lentz, etc. etc. I know him personally (not saying this to brag). He is a wonderful human and submitted servant of God. He is a humble leader, which is so refreshing in a circle of young guns that are known as “celebrity pastors.”
I often have to remind myself that that term “celebrity pastors” is NOT one they give themselves! It’s a label put on them by others, perhaps to warn them, but also perhaps out of jealousy and envy.
I appreciated your opening story about surrender to the Lord regarding your NPO. Surrender, in my opinion, is THE KEY to humility.
Hello! John~
When I was reading your comments, it occurred to me how you connected our Monday discussion on The Anxious Generation to humility. In Veatch’s book, he addresses the ego (I just looked it up but haven’t read it, yet! Thanks for the recommendation!), and mentions the rewards of humility (which I am looking forward to reading) but as Haidt pointed out, we have an entire segment of society trained to look at themselves on their phones, Instagram selfies, and likes. He purpose in writing the book was “about the radical transformation of childhood into something inhuman: a phone-based existence.” So I am left with the question: How do we train teachers, parents, daycare workers, pastors and anyone else who helps raise children to model genuine humility and to be present to one another? Do we have to return to Little House on the Prairie for such transformation? What would your friend, Chad, say? What is your vision? You are our CP!
Hi Pam,
Thank you for your enlightening post. It gave me a picture of how you build relationships with top leaders, with yourself, and also with God. I saw the qualities of a faithful leader in you.
I resonate with your thought, “Yes, humble leadership creates openness and trust by personizing relationships in the working group,[10] but humility is only ignited as the community with which it is embedded embraces it.” Therefore, we need to show real examples as often as possible through our personal, family, and church lives about humble leadership that is rooted in biblical principles and values so that humility becomes a universal and global principle that blesses and enlightens the world.
Hello! Dinka~
Looking forward to seeing you later today. Your observation about building a relationship with myself is worth noting when it comes to becoming a conflict informed leader. When I ask groups the question: What is your STATUS#1? It’s a tool I created from my research to discover what kind of conflict they are facing. The S in STATUS stands for SELF. Conflict can just be with self–thus, as you note, we need to consider how we care for ourselves–which is why this program in leadership is so vitally important. How have you cared for yourself more since you started the doctoral program?
Love that story, it’s really cool when answers show up so quickly like that. The openness and sensitivity you have to the Spirit is certainly why you are the right one to help navigate this conflict. It’s also encouraging for the rest of us to know our NPO’s and the process we are using does work in the real world, which is the point!
Praying for clarity, wisdom, courage, and insight as you navigate those waters in the upcoming weeks.
Adam! Your words encourage me as even today, tomorrow and Wednesday I am back in the saddle of mediations this week. I keep hearing myself asking God for the exact things you mention: Clarity, wisdom, courage and insight! It seems I also need to allow for feedback from this team so I can be willing to adjust, make changes or just learn what I cannot see. That makes me feel even more vulnerable. Seems like it would be fun to hear everyone’s “launch” stories as they happen. I so appreciate you, Adam!