How To Relate
Although the presenting topic in this book is, “How to Change the World”, as the title indicates, the title is an ineffective way to approach change in the world, as the author suggests. An appropriate sequel could be entitled, “How to Relate to Our World”. This appears to be the primary theme to our demise in the Christian culture, when we approach individuals and systems with the intent of changing them, verses relating to them. We can see through US history this has had less than the desired effect in creating significant changes, as evidenced through the Crusades and witch hunts to name a few. Yet, how much have we learned to relate effectively to those in our families, neighborhoods, communities, or churches?
Recently, I was reminded of this when I went to a coffee house with a friend. A gentleman at the counter greeted me with his Scottish accent, which I mistook for an Irish accent and led to a brief explanation of my recent trip to Ireland. This led to a discussion of what he is doing in the USA and details of his work. Between his thick Scottish accent, the noise of the coffee shop, it was challenging to hear him, but his work as a Chemical Engineer just had me nodding and smiling while trying hard not to look like I was using every brain cell to understand him. Miraculously, I understood a vague synopsis of his work just enough to interject something half-way intelligent to keep the conversation going. That or he was just being polite. After we conversed a bit, or rather, I struggled to listen and converse, he surprised me by saying with such sincerity, “Thank you for listening.” It shocked me and I realized he was hungry for community. I knew he would be accepted and connected to in our small church plant, so I invited him. When he heard “church” and whatever loaded message accompanied that word, He smiled politely, nodded, and went back to his book. He didn’t want church. He wanted someone to listen to who he was, and to enter his world. I wanted to explain this was an “intelligent, loving, accepting community where others attended that could better understand him” but he was not interested. Unfortunately, this did not include his idea of church.
It is grievous to consider the Christian culture as having a significantly low impact and change on the current culture, as Hunter suggests “…but even the most optimistic assessment would leave one to conclude that Christianity in America is not only marginalized as a culture, that it is also a very weak culture. …And thus the idea that American Christianity could influence the larger culture in ways that are healthy and humane is, for the time being, doubtful”(92). Ideally, we would like to consider our religious group to be more significant and influential. This is rather discouraging and disappointing, and yet, a powerful reminder of how we need to work smarter and not harder in bringing people into relationship with us and Christ before we bring them to church. It would be beneficial to discover how to enhance and renew church culture to relate with cultural relevance so as to reflect the charismatic personality of Jesus.
To change our world, Hunter suggests we create more culture. “If we want to transform culture, what we actually have to do is to get into the midst of the human cultural project and create some new cultural goods that reshape the way people imagine and experience their world..”(28). This was an intriguing concept and reminded me of how much cultural changes with the development of products like: microwaves, home computers, and smart phones. Therefore, developing new products and culturally relevant materials, like our dissertation artifacts, could have the potential to change our Christian culture and beyond. Interweaving policy, culture, and social life and bringing them together for a common vision and purpose is also an inviting technique to produce cultural changes (91). An example of combining other social resources is the Celebrate Recovery programs started through Saddleback Church, that combines psychology principals, the 12 Step program, and spiritual principals to produce a culturally relevant and successful product implemented in churches around the world.
If we are called to love one another, it appears the hierarchical, elitist way of thinking is in stark contrast to the language of love and collaboration with one another. It appears, putting our efforts into listening, connecting and collaborating lovingly with others would bring the greatest impact on changing our relationships and our culture. Where we earn the right to approach that sacred spiritual space with an individual by loving who they are, instead of telling them who they should become.
About the Author
Jennifer Dean-Hill
11 responses to “How To Relate”
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” It would be beneficial to discover how to enhance and renew church culture to relate with cultural relevance so as to reflect the charismatic personality of Jesus.”
Jen, what a great idea. Of course we all know that we begin with changing ourselves, but your idea of changing the church does seem like the next step. If we make our church culture more loving and caring perhaps people will be drawn – people who are hungry for community. People who would gladly come to hear that they are loved without being told what to do.
Then perhaps the influence would spread into the community and the larger culture.
Beautiful vision Mary. Be more loving and caring and start with ourselves and those near us. You are an inspiration to me in this.
Jen, Thanks for this post. I loved your story about the Scottish man – it reminded me of something I heard Rob Bell say several years ago… He was speaking at Catalyst (in front of about 8,000 people) and sharing about an interaction with another pastor the day before and he shared how he asked the other pastor about his ministry and he responded something to the effect of ‘you know nothing big or important like what you are doing’ And Bell basically called him out right there and said don’t ever do that – there is nothing more important that what and where you are called and placed by God right now… it’s not just some little church or some little conversation, it’s someone in desperate need for connection and community and where God has called you to bring the good news of the Kingdom!
Thanks for the great reminder!
Chip, your Rob Bell quote reminds me of something I face in ministry. Before we go on mission trips, I have everyone share their testimony with the group of how they came to Christ.
Some are timid, thinking that their testimony is nothing special. I try to get them to understand the miraculous in the ordinary when it comes to their story of faith.
Thanks Chip for the powerful story. Rob Bell is regularly reminding us it’s all about relationships and connections.
The story of your Scottish friend made me sad, Jen, because it used to be that the first place a newcomer went was a church when they were looking for community. When did we shift from welcoming communities to places that made “outsiders” uncomfortable? I know there has been shift in the faith of our country, but I wonder why that didn’t make us more welcoming instead of less. I hope, as you say, we can start earning the right to open sacred spaces for people again.
Jennifer, you make an excellent point, “we need to work smarter and not harder in bringing people into relationship with us and Christ before we bring them to church.” From serving in a country and city that was 95% atheist, your comment was the core principle of all of our entire ministry. Early on, there was only one way and that was build a personal relationship over an extended period of time. Often not even talking about God for months. An invitation to church was an invitation to a closed door. And if they didn’t come to church or give their heart to Christ, you remain friends, because your relationship is about leading people to Christ and not about numbers. Thanks for sharing the story and the call to work smarter and not harder.
“An invitation to church was an invitation to a closed door.” Wow. Yes, I think in my mind that’s how I envision it appears when someone is invited “to church” rather than naturally becoming part of a community with which they already have multiple relationships.
A great emphasis Jennifer.
There is an Aesop’s fable called ‘The Wind and the Sun’. It goes something like this:
The sun and the wind were arguing about who was strongest, when they saw a travelling man. They decided that the one who could make him take off his cloak was, most certainly, the strongest. So the sun hid behind a cloud while the wind blew upon the man. But the more harshly he blew, the more closely the man pulled his cloak around himself. When the wind gave up, the sun came out. He came alongside the man with his warmth, heat and light. As he shone, the man took off his cloak and in the warm glow, he walked freely and openly.
This is a brilliant picture of what it means to come alongside others with love. In the warmth of acceptance, affirmation and encouragement, people can feel the love of God. This should be at the heart of our culture.
Lots to chew on here, Jennifer; thanks. I love the perspective of people wanting to be understood, listened to, rather than changed. Which of us wants to hear that someone is out to change us? We quickly grow defensive.
Your story of the gentleman in the coffeeshop spoke volumes. He was turned off by the word “church” and the baggage that implied to him. I know many Christians recently have shied away from that label– “Christian”– and are opting for something different (“Christ-follower”, etc.), because of what that title implies to those around us. I wonder if we need to consider something similar with our identification as a group of Christ-followers as well.
Jennifer I loved the personal narrative that you included in your reflections. I was struck by this comment ““God has no greater gift than God’s own presence, then it seems likely that the same is true for us, we who are made in the image of this self-giving God. For all we humans might offer to one another, no gift is more precious than our presence, our full- bodied attention, our willingness and ability to enter into the lives of others and have them enter ours, our willingness and ability to know them and in turn be known by them.””
The relational aspect to human engagement is so vital to how we build communities in our society. I think at time we as Christians forget that it was God’s love and kindness that drew us to Him through the Holy Spirit in the first place. We must reflect that in how we connect with each other. Our transformation took place after we willfully opened up to having a relationship with God. Genuine relationships are the beginning to true transformation.