Help Me Self Differentiate!
Reading a failure of nerve by Edwin Freeman[1] was encouraging to me. One of the main reasons I am pursuing this Doctorate is my excitement for adventure. I work in a field that can very much get stuck in its own orientation[2]. In efforts to make change we end up seeing a lot of tired people trying harder at doing the same thing[3]. My excitement comes from the hope to ask new questions and find an innovative direction past the boundaries.
It is not surprising when Friedman writes of America being in regression. Especially after reading the articles on what social media is doing to our younger generation. We have a society full of anxiety, we blame and are lacking in development of young leaders[4]. A societal and emotional regression doesn’t look like going back but going down.[5] Our polarized culture that refuses to see others point of views becomes incapable of objectivity.[6] We hold more tightly to our groups ideas and protect against others infiltrating our belief system. The responses of maladapted anxious groups do not take responsibility for themselves, instead, they put the fault in those leading.[7] It makes me feel anxious thinking about the direction American society is going. Will we be brave enough to set a new course.
I love learning and knowledge. It can become like an addiction to me. Friedman describes that data and information consumption can look like substance abuse[8]. I do find myself becoming detached as I intake knowledge and it was quite an eyeopener to see that knowing a lot does not result in success. It is how we emotionally process that can bring change. We can not understand our self without understanding our relationship with others.[9]
Now, I am to the part I really what to process. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the concepts of self- differentiation. If any feel like they have a clear picture, please would comment with clarity for me. I often struggle with the individual and collective nature of how society works. Even in reading scripture I find it hard to know how much is about me and how much is about us. For example, Paul writes often in his letters about the church being the body[10] (a metaphor Friedman applies his principles through, such as the mind and immune system). There seems to be a deep togetherness and inseparability from the whole. But then there is the action of each part of the body doing its supposed to do. It further complicates it when I think of the automatic systems of the body that we do not have control over- the heart beating, the lungs breathing. The virus and the immune response stand as an example our self and our relationship with toxic others[11]. I love using the physical body as a picture to how we function socially, but I am having a hard time differentiating. Am I meant to see myself as a part of the whole or to set myself apart? Friedman writes, “It is only the emergence of self in its leadership that can enable any society, family, institution, or nation to evolve out of a regression”[12] Everything about this statement feels wrong to me. Though I recognize that boundaries are important to separate myself from coming under other people’s burdens and stress, I still struggle to want to individualize. The ideas of “going it alone” and detaching from relational binds are not appealing to me. I sure don’t want to endure in crisis or sit in my stress alone. Now, I know I’m being a bit dramatic. I do see some of the benefits Friedman writes in his self-differentiation list[13], but it still rubs me the wrong way. Am I too enmeshed in togetherness that I can’t see clearly. I truly would love help in understanding this.
[1] Friedman, Edwin H.. A Failure of Nerve : Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (10th Anniversary, Revised Edition), Church Publishing, Incorporated, 2017. ProQuest Ebook Central, https://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/georgefox/detail.action?docID=6793400.
[2] Friedman 2017, 40
[3] Friedman 2017, 41
[4] Friedman 2017, 55
[5] Friedman 2017, 56
[6] Friedman 2017, 64
[7] Friedman 2017, 71
[8] Friedman 2017, 88
[9] Friedman 2017,109
[10] 1 Corinthians 12
[11] Friedman 2017,120-121
[12] Friedman 2017, 136
[13] Friedman 2017, 136
About the Author
Jess Bashioum
10 responses to “Help Me Self Differentiate!”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Thank you Jess for your honesty. I love that these blogs are often wrestling with such vulnerable and deep processes that we humans have to encounter.
I teach that our sense of self is made up of our different experiences and our reactions to those. This may be ridiculously basic, but I use a huge lump of play-dough to illustrate the forming of a large whole lump of ‘self’ from the different periods of time and experiences over the ages and our reactions to them. As each piece represents an aspect of what has now become the self, the person feels empowered to unhook it from the rest of the self, and reflect, process and make sense of it and either re-attach it as it was, change its shape or size or push to the side as a now unattached part of themselves. The playdough large self is formed by those reflections, decisions and choices which can be different colours for ages or emotions etc. Then when they are with someone else with a different emotional reaction to something or a different view of an experience, they can take their own and reflect on it and either change the size, shape or colour of it and re attach or not as appropriate. The visual representation helps some people to hold on to themselves and not lose themselves while being curious about others and needing others. Thus the person is always forming, growing, transforming but the autonomy is theirs. This enables connection at a deep level with disagreement that is kind and honouring, and doesn’t lead to stuckness or inability to reflect or empathise due to fear of being manipulated to believe what others say to fulfil the ned for belonging and it also avoids the deep subconscious assumption that if we don’t agree, then our pioneering viewpoints could always lead to loneliness and rejection. That maybe helpful or entirely obvious! but I value your thoughts and reflections on us all ‘becoming’ more of who we are.
Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and creative perspective! I love how the play-dough metaphor makes the process of self-discovery and growth so tangible and relatable. It’s a way to illustrate how I can reflect on my experiences and stay grounded in who I am.
Balancing autonomy with openness to others is a bit of where I struggle to differentiate, How separate am I from community?. The idea of honoring disagreement with kindness while staying connected feels practical and healing. It fosters belonging based on mutual respect, not conformity, which is so needed in our world.
It’s a beautiful reminder that we are always “becoming,” and that growth is a continuous, transformative process. Thank you for sharing this—it’s truly inspiring!
These are deeply reflective questions Jess. It’s obvious you are critically working with this dense material. I have to relate quickly to the bit about Being addicted to knowledge and fearful of emotion. I wrote that as a heading in my blog. I continue to relate with you on so many things.
Ok, on to self-differentiation. I could easily be missing Freidman’s point here but how I interpreted the separate but connected paradox is this:
The leader has to become self-aware and self-secure enough (having done the hard, family of origen work) to make resolute decisions about paths forward from a healed and healthy heart. Once these decisions have been made internally, the leader connects with the body as a non-anxious presence bringing clarity into the group being led. As the leader is met with critique and emotional volititly, the resolution and non-anxious presence are not affected or coerced to change by the emotional context of the other actors in the organism. The leader does not withdraw or shy away from the hard realities of their decisions on the body (connected) but is at peace on the inside having found center and heart-level resolve in doing what they know to be right and is therefore not emotionally debilitated by the groups reactions (separate).
What are your thoughts?
Put this way, it does make more sense. I think I am just too aware of the extreme individualism of the west, especially living in a collective culture for so long. In Jordan, my actions and inactions all affected my community around me. I see the importance of finding that inner true self and having a centered identity that helps me to feel secure regardless of what others do. Even in that place though, I hope I am not alone- because it is where the Spirit communes with me. I truly believe Colossians 1:17 “He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” Sometimes I feel I would become scattered pieces floating around in all different directions if this were not true.
P.S. I too feel I often relate with how you think. It’s comforting to know there is another who gets the weird way my head and heart move.
Jess,
This is a compelling post with challenging material. Like you, I deeply care for my team and find it hard to separate myself entirely from their needs.
My wife and I are both “solvers,” and we’ve had to purposely back away from solving for our kids with our family. You would think it’s an apparent act, but it’s been tough for 2 individuals who are naturally inclined to be solvers. Until we realized we needed to separate, it was unhealthy for everyone in the triangle. Now, instead of stepping into solving mode, we support differently. “Wow, that’s pretty tough. What are you going to do about it?” It’s been tough, but it’s a healthy break.
With my teams, I have encouraged them to bring me problems and have 1-2 recommendations on correcting them. It adds a layer of separation and still exhibits empathy. I have also gracefully pushed back on empty answers. When I hear their response of “I don’t know.” I don’t let my team off the hook that easily. Instead, I might ask, “If you did have that knowledge or some insight, what would it look like?”
I don’t interpret that as going it alone meaning separation in the true sense.
I can relate with having a spouse relationship where both are fixers in our own ways. Put two over-achieving, get-it-done type of people in a relationship and friction is inevitable. We have had to both grow a lot throughout our lives.
I find myself taking on the emotion and stress of the women I work with. I can set decent boundaries and encourage them that they do have the self efficacy to change their lives, but I have a hard time not holding it.
This week I found out one of the women who have been clean for a few months and steadily achieving personal goals, started to use again. I know I cannot fix that for her but I still ache for her. It’s feels like it’s a piece of me though we are clearly separate individuals. When one part of our body aches, all parts fell the affects of it.
Thanks Jess for this reflection. Just like Michael mentioned, I deeply care for my team and when I was recently forced to make decisions that affect their livelihood, I found that this deep care helped me see them as human beings; inasmuch as the decisions were tough. Do you think this is just part and parcel of the leadership journey? Or are there limits to caring for those under our care? Still trying to figure it out.
Jess, I appreciate your transparency and your thought process. I understand why you might question Friedman’s self-differentiation list. It seems to suggest that what I value is far more important than what everyone else thinks, which doesn’t seem very humble at all. Here’s my take, and I may have misinterpreted his point.
The idea that “only the emergence of self in its leadership can enable any society, family, institution, or nation to evolve out of regression” sounds self-focused. However, I interpreted it as a reminder to take care of myself so I can effectively care for others. In my personal experience, when I go out of my way to please others, I drain myself and don’t function well. Friedman discusses leaders confronting their pasts. He noted that many leaders haven’t addressed their past, making it difficult for them to lead themselves and others forward. Jesus Himself spent so much time alone with the Heavenly Father in prayer, and because He did that, He accomplished so much more in service of others. I also love how Jesus sent His disciples in pairs because He knows that it is not good for man to be alone. We are created to be in community and to have a compassionate ear.
Maybe I misunderstood your concert, yet this is what I gathered! Thank you for sharing!
Ivan, I so appreciate your perspective and response. Thank you!
Jess,
I appreciated reading your blog this evening as I, too, struggle with understanding this. Maybe I understand Friedman’s thoughts that leaders must be grounded in their own direction and self-secure in who they are. But at the same time, not entirely sure how this connects with New Testament thoughts of “one anothering”. Not to mention the section about the body you pointed out. As I have thought through it this last week, I wonder if part of it is simply to be aware that we exist both differentiated and not differentiated, and that awareness is grounding?