Friedman, the Prophet of Hope for Today
Introduction
Some books inspire. Some books are merely entertainment. But every so often you pick up a book that speaks directly to your soul. When reading A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, I thought my highlighter would run dry. Author and lecturer, the late Edwin H. Friedman (passed away prematurely on October 31, 1996), felt like a prophet who was speaking to my present situation.
A Failure of Nerve is a far cry from the average leadership book which implies principles and corporate paradigms are the key to success. If anything he pushes the status quo and unleashes the leader within to find himself or herself by being who you are intended to be. This work speaks to the family, business, and religious institutions by calling them to not be afraid to identify their “beautiful ‘values’. The problem is not in their beliefs; it is in how they function with those beliefs.”[1] Values are easy to articulate but harder to put into action.
Summary
Friedman uses the term “well-differentiated leader” throughout his book. In his own words he said, “I mean someone who has clarity about his or her life goals, and therefore, someone who is less likely to become lost in the anxious emotional processes swirling about. I mean someone who can be separate while still remaining connected, and therefor can maintain a modifying, non-anxious, and sometimes challenging presence.”[2]
This concept of “differentiation” was the key to the book. “Differentiation is the lifelong process of striving to keep one’s being in balance through the reciprocal external and internal processes of self-definition and self-regulation. It is a concept that can sometimes be difficult to focus on objectively, for differentiation means the capacity to become oneself out of one’s self, with minimum reactivity to the positions or reactivity of other.”[3]
In a world of political correctness and over sensitivity to leaders who are secure in themselves, and sometimes perceived as arrogant, Friedman seems to encourage strength and forwardness. I was shocked when he said, “Self-differentiation always triggers sabotage. This is the aspect of leadership that is not emphasized enough, if at all, by most leadership theories that focus on vision, team-building, and so forth.”[4]
Friedman is not calling for arrogance or leadership bullying its followers/employees. He does believe that leaders need to be “decisive”. “When one makes a decision, one is making choices, which includes the choice of being willing to give something up…The resulting indecisiveness of leaders is also reinforced by the herding force’s erosion of self.”[5] Leadership is going to demand of you to make decisions that draw from who you are, not just to appease the followers.
Analysis
Friedman believes that there are four “…major institutions designed by our civilization to foster change: religion, education, psychotherapy, and politics (I have been here since Eisenhower).”[6] I find myself engaged, in one form or another, in all four. I am not political pundit or prognosticator, but I am a moral leader that does have influence in politics.
As a pastor 
we have expectations from others of our mannerisms, personality type, moods, and responses. Friedman debunks a word that is an expected response from being a pastor – empathy. “The word empathy is used so often today by teachers, parents, healers, and managers that few realize it only entered the English language in the twentieth century (compared to sympathy, which is four hundred fifty years old, and compassion, which goes back to 1340) …I believe that the increasing popularity of empathy over the past few decades is symptomatic of the herding/togetherness force characteristic of an anxious society. And I say this knowing that empathy has achieved such inviolable, holy status in the thinking of some that to even question its value will be considered as irreverent, in not sacrilegious, as denying the Trinity or cursing the Land of Israel.”[7]
A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix has put passion and direction in me. I am facing some decisions that call upon me to embrace the tenants of this book in my process with our leadership team. I am not throwing all empathy to the wind but I am embracing the self-differentiation that God has deposited in me as a leader. Edwin Friedman you may have departed from this life twenty years ago but you are still relevant today.
[1] [1] Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, (New York: Seabury Books, 2007), 146.
[2] Ibid., 14.
[3] Ibid., 183.
[4] Ibid., 247.
[5] Ibid., 69.
[6] Ibid., 5.
[7] Ibid., 136.
5 responses to “Friedman, the Prophet of Hope for Today”
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Nice writing Phil. I am interested in how this book plays into your research and leadership transition project. In my tribe, the Vineyard, we have historically really sucked at transitioning leaders and I was reminded of this reading Friedman especially the parts about being a non-anxious presence. It seems to me that transitioning a leader can cause a significant amount of anxiety in a congregation. What do you think?
Aaron:
ANXIETY….is a given in a transition. The difference is how the incumbent leader and potential leader are able to be “self-differentiated”. Friedman’s spin on “empathy” is quite helpful for leaders also. Sometimes you have to be intentional and willing to severe what is needed for the good of the organization.
Phil
Thanks Phil. I agree. Not the easiest thing to do, but I hear you. Thanks.
Phil,
Great imagery – “I thought my highlighter would run dry.”
I love this book, but am bothered by the sense I have that Friedman is totally opposed to empathy. If we are a well differentiated person, understanding how emotional and mental processes run simultaneously, and if we understand ourselves as being empathetic, do you think it’s possible to operate as a non-anxious presence and to be a Friedman-esque leader while our empathetic side is working? Why or why not?
Phil,
Great blog. I also thought of this book as prophetic in tone and challenged to change my perspective. I can’t help but think about the incompletes in my life and the things needed to change that. One of the things I’ve done this week is to purchase Scrivener and entered my potential books with notes so in the event I leave earth prematurely, someone could finish it. This however brings a new challenge, you’re forced to have quality friends who can complete it. This was a great read and I’m challenged to be a well-differentiated leader.
Garfield