Free Within
When I was a child, I used to sing. My mother was my manager, booking gigs at local bars and theaters. I sang a range of musical arrangements from the blues (Billie Holiday’s “Good Morning Heartache) to pop (Donna Summer’s “On the Radio” – I was actually wheeled out on stage sitting on a giant radio.) But whether I was little orphan Annie belting out “Tomorrow” or the Scarecrow singing for a brain, the only place I felt truly inspired to sing from my heart was in the tunnel round the corner from my house. When inside this tunnel, every sound echoed, reverberating all around my body. I could feel my voice inside out. Whatever note I sang, it came back to me in full form – so if I was off key, it would return with repeated clarity – “You missed the note. Try again.” And I would. I’d try and try again, unafraid of missing anything because there was no audience. It was just me and my voice. In “Leading Out of Who You Are,” Simon Walker reminded me of the differences in how I sing on the front stage versus how I sing in the back, or in my case – in the tunnel. He made me long for the moment when I can balance the stages, for only in this balance can I sing my whole song.
I appreciated Walker combining art with science; a metaphor from theater arts with foundations from organizational theory and social psychology. The blend helped ground the theoretical with the practical. Yet, the grounding shook me a bit. Though it was encouraging to learn that the fires of life, my personal struggles and loss, has groomed me to become a leader, (1) Walker revealed that I still have some work to do to become a less defensive one. Trust issues, my need for control, and previous relationships with power have shaped who I am and how I lead. I often teeter on the fence between two egos, defining and adapting. (2)
When I lead with a defining ego, I lead to win, pushing to prove I measure up. My inner critic is brutal and my inner child is always on edge, afraid of making a mistake.(3) All that matters is the front stage performance, which is exhausting and isolating because although I trust myself to know the words, my voice is not as strong as it could be. I may withhold the fullness of my song out of fear that I will miss a note, or worse, I won’t even sing if success is not assured. More, I don’t trust anyone else to sing with me, preventing me from harmonizing, which is contrary to what Walker identifies as the human goal. “The solution must lie, in fact, in locating relationships with the world, with others and perhaps, uniquely, with Another, in which we are both trusted and able to trust.” (4) Oddly, the adapting ego counters this sort of trust issue in the opposite extreme, over trusting others and under trusting myself. (5) I often avoid confrontation or conflict. If unavoidable, I become the peacemaker or make inappropriate jokes to break the tension. If that falls short, I seek to serve by becoming the fixer. I am getting better, however, by not hiding my feelings on the backstage where they are at risk of exploding.
I am still processing Walker’s ideas related to power and control. If I had more time I would be curious to learn the keys to better balance the two, how to use my influence to better affect change, and how to break free of the “illusion of escape from the chaotic world we inhabit.” (6) I expect these answers are found in Part III of the trilogy. Still, Part I offers an introduction; the more I wrestle with my inner self, I reduce the risk of becoming a leader who seeks “to dominate, to conquer and oppress, to consume, to acquire,” (7) and become more free within myself. Walker encourages leaders to push through outside battles and inner wrestling, and become a model for others how to lead ourselves.
This program is part of that development; each time I share on this blog I bring a bit of my backstage voice into the front. I’ve noticed it’s often off key when compared to my peers, but Walker would mark this as a sign towards my own liberty. “Freedom comes when we start to allow people to see not only the glossy image but the mess as well. This also means that our back stage ceases to be a place of fear, containing all the mess that we avoid, and instead becomes available for fruitful exploration.” (8) By sharing my hopes, thoughts and feelings up front, my backstage fears lose their power. The curtain between the stages becomes transparent and I can be more fully known.
The world promotes the illusion that to expose vulnerability is to show weakness. This is contrary to Walker’s approach. The more vulnerable I am reveals my truer self. This may be a key to Freidman’s differentiated leader. (9) The more true I am to myself, the less anxious I am about what I’m hiding backstage. Even if I fail, Jesus will not judge me for missing the note. I just need to keep singing.
(1) Simon Walker. Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership ( Carlisle: Piquant, 2007) 7-9
(2) Ibid., 71-86
(3) Ibid., 71-77
(4) Ibid., 98
(5) Ibid., 79-86
(6) Ibid., 45
(7) Ibid., 9
(8) Ibid., 33
(9) Edwin H. Friedman. A Failure of Nerve (New York: Church Publishing, 2017)
About the Author
Erica Briggs
12 responses to “Free Within”
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Ericca, thank you for your post. Like you, I appreciated knowing that trials have helped shape my leadership self, but I also appreciate considering what growth edges exist because of those same trials. As I read I started to identify some of those immediate areas of growth. You mentioned not hiding your feelings in the backstage. Have you identified ways of sharing your feelings that you are comfortable with?
I haven’t really identified one way. It’s about the moment for me, I guess. Do I feel safe. Can I trust the person I am with? Will my expression help, me or the other person? How much should be expressed? It all depends on the context, right?
Hi Erica… loved that you quoted ““Freedom comes when we start to allow people to see not only the glossy image but the mess as well” as there is so much truth to that.
Also – I appreciate your thoughts that you are “off key”. Youy aren’t. Every time I push the “post” button I see;f doubt, and “I am not good enough” swirls in my head. I am very grateful for the grace and love I receive on the replies.
I don’t have a question, just wanted to encourage you to keep cleaning out the back stage, and bring it all to the front. We all have a lot to learn from you!!
Thank you for the encouragement!
I recently watched a video series led by Trevor Hudson for spiritual directors, about being unique, and the blessedness of our uniqueness. He said, “Everyone is born with their own song to sing.” I thought of that as I read your post.
Kudos to you for using this blog to share your true self so vulnerably. For being honest both with yourself and with those of us who are reading your posts.
I also found myself wondering which Enneagram number is strongest for you? We all have parts of all of them, but there are usually one or two that do the most to drive our thoughts and actions unconsciously.
The key thing about the Enneagram is that regardless of which personality style is most prevalent, the idea is to be able to recognize it so it doesn’t control us; used in moderation, as the gift it was intended to be, it helps us become more like Jesus. For instance, wanting to do our best… without becoming exhausted or too perfectionistic. Wanting to be an individual… without tipping over to “individual at all costs.” Wanting to be a peacemaker… without landing in a place where our own needs are never met.
Thank you for your openness. It was a pleasure to read, and I am so very glad to know you. 🙂
I remember the Enneagram from years ago, but I don’t remember it was so long ago. I agree that balance is key. Finding the balance is the challenge.
Erica,
Great post, at least you can sing well. While I haven’t read all of your posts, I appreciate the ones I’ve read and I don’t think you are off key. I think it’s natural that we compare ourselves to others, but I tend to be critical of myself. I do see the strengths and creativity of each of us starting to come out in our posts and I really enjoy reading them.
I agree, I’m really learning a lot each week from our peers.
Hi Erica, I look forward to reading you and I am never disappointed! Thank you for sharing about singing and the tunnel. Your post reminded me of some special outdoor places when I was a child. Thank you for helping me connect with some good memories that might serve me well right now. Besides letting the backstage show in these blog posts, what other ways are you experiencing increasing freedom as a leader?
Honestly? Asking for help. I’m hyper independent and asking for help makes me feel weak or needy. That is something I’m working on.
Thank you, Erica, for your post. It is encouraging to see the courage to be authentic. I shall try it as well.
It’s all we can do! That and pray!