Final Post: Healthy Leadership through the Lens of Walker and Friedman
Friedman and Walker touch the anxiety I carry from navigating multi-layered roles pastor, organizer, academic, district leader, community advocate. Their writings press me to acknowledge that leadership rooted in reactive energy becomes fragmented and spiritually thin. Once again, as with power, it is healthy for a leader to recognize and acknowledge their exertion of control and make it explicit [1]. The deeper invitation for me is towards cultivating interior spaciousness what Walker would defines as anl undefended presence so that leadership flows out of grounding rather than grinding.
When conversations about productivity and performance are held, the word grind has risen to the surface as a defining ingredient. This adjective describes the relentless, demanding pace many have come to accept as normal. Grind not only reflects our culture but also forms it. From a growth perspective, Friedman has overall challenged my temptation toward overfunctioning, especially when responsibility rises high and heavy. What is required is a fundamental reorientation of our thinking processes, one that allows leaders to evaluate information in the context of emotional variables. [2]
My “Front Stage” self forces me to consider and confront the ways image management drains the spiritual authority Walker calls us to walk in. Coupled together, the way they framed vulnerability, authenticity, and the courage to be fully present as a new pattern for living and leading has given me a welcome challenge. What this touches at the core is my interior struggle I and many face in as inward desire to be perceived as strong. Walker complements this by showing how my instinctive defensiveness, which manifests in myriad ways such as performing competence, projecting control, and masking fatigue, creates distance rather than trust. Friedman argues for a valuing of self. It is only when self is valued that leaders can be less at the mercy of the data/technique deluge, no less its addictive properties [3]
Recently, I faced criticism for a strategic decision related to a ministry restructuring effort. There was miscommunication among a few that led to assumptions about my true leadership intentions. The pushback was pretty intense, emotionally charged, and rooted in fear and a perceived loss of power by some. My initial instinct was to over-explain and defend the decision. I was poised to enter the emotional fray within the room and try to win people over. Reflecting on past experience, I have seen how that response temporarily calms the room but weakens my leadership clarity and conviction. As I felt myself drift towards performance mode in tightening up and bracing for impact, my spirit shifted and released the need for extra explanation and self-protection. I moved into an assertive non anxious presence moving from feeling like being accused to leading with my vulnerability that essentially led to a team victory..This was a lesson from Friedman’s page, it shows me now that the real invitation was differentiation, not retreat. Differentiation becomes less about self-protection and more about being authentically anchored in who I am called to be.
Friedman says of differentiation:
Differentiation is the capacity to take a stand in an intense emotional system
Differentiation is saying I, when others are demanding we
Differentiation is containing one’s reactivity to the reactivity of others, which includes the ability to avoid being polarized
Differentiation is maintaining a non-anxious presence in the face of anxious others
As I reflect on my mode of operation, I can recognize that over time, I am now better guided in moments of emotional reactivity. Friedman’s perspective has helped me lead differently with greater intentionality. Leading with clarity and grounded presence and the refusal to be absorbed by the anxiety of others has been a win. A colleague of mine who passed during COVID-19 authored a book, “You Can Go Crazy- But Don’t Expect Me To Go With You. This is a new shift as from Walker’s perspective. I am learning to lead more from the “back stage,” drawing from my core identity rather than front-stage performance. This shift also allows me to better respond to criticism with clearer boundaries and walk into a new reality of emotional presence as opposed to collapsing into a commitment not to collapse into the anxiety trap. People only become undefended when they feel safe. [4]. Utilizing this integrated posture strengthens both my leadership resilience and the relational trust of those I serve.
A threshold concept was formed in Simon Walker’s repeated thought that undefended leadership grows out of a freedom of interior was pretty big for me. I knew what it meant to be emotionally healthy after reading and participating in Pete Scazzero’s Emotionally Healthy Leadership conference several years ago. Unloosening the tight connection between worth and performance, and also leadership and emotional armor, has helped me enhance how I lead, while also allowing me to open the door and share with others just how beneficial your leadership and life can become by shifting our lenses. Admittedly, much of what I learned from both Friedman and Walker did not take shape overnight, but over time. Simon Walker emphasizes this, stating that living out an undefended life as a leader by and large involves living in a place that feels provisional and perhaps uncomfortable. [5] I know find myself less guarded, less worried, and less preoccupied about others perception, this interior freedom has changed how I show up as a leader and how lighter the burden of leadership has become. I now have a new definition of courageous leadership, which has helped not only to reshape me and how I live, but also has enabled me to invite others into healthier patterns of leadership alongside me.
[1] Walker, Simon. Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership, (Piquant Publishing, 2007), 49.
[2] Friedman, Edwin. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, New York: (Church Publishing, 2017),
[3] Friedman, 105.
[4] Walker, 185.
[5] Walker, 37.
About the Author
Daren Jaime
16 responses to “Final Post: Healthy Leadership through the Lens of Walker and Friedman”
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Daren,
There is a depth to you that I realized a while back. You are unassuming but a strong presence. I have enjoyed being in this class with you and hearing from your perspective. I can’t wait to see how God continues to deepen your journey of leadership.
Adam! Thank you for your words. I am glad to have been with you these last three years. Your life/ministry context has also touched me, and I appreciate who you are. I just know not to hike with you if we ever end up in South Africa again!
Peace and Blessings, Brother!
Daren, I have appreciated being in this cohort with you. I have learned a lot by reading your posts, interacting with you online, and hanging out at the Advances. It’s been a rich experience. What are the internal warning signals that help you identify overfunctioning?
Hey Graham! Thank you for your sentiments, and it has been great forming this bond in class and in person.around the world. You are a great critical thinker, I am glad to consider you a true friend,
I am learning to recognize overfunctioning by paying attention to the subtle shifts inside me. My first warning signal is tightening a physical and emotional temptation towards performance mode. When I notice myself becoming overly responsible for outcomes, rushing to fix misunderstandings, or explaining decisions beyond what is necessary. The non-anxious presence is now kicking in and i dont find myself in that place as much.
Daren, thank you for this personal and rich post. Being in this cohort, and especially our peer group with you has truly been a gift. As I read your post, I thought, even when we are paying attention, there are times when we are tired or “grinding it out” that old habits return. Yet, your self-awareness will continue to help return you to your undefended self. Do you see this as something that might start to permeate your preaching in the sense of starting to share the groundedness in Christ that others might also be less reactive?
Diane thank you, i will have more to say to you in person when we meet in our Peer Group. But you have brought peace to our academic journey through your sheer honesty and even in times of uncertainity you found out, we are all in the same boat.
Yes, absolutely. As I grow in this undefended, grounded way of leading, it naturally begins to shape my preaching. I’m finding that preaching from a differentiated place invites people into a less reactive, more rooted life in Christ. Instead of offering performance driven sermons, I’m learning to speak from a slower center. When I preach from grounding rather than grinding, i find it creates space for the congregation to breathe, reflect. My hope is that this posture helps others discover their own interior freedom in Christ.
Hey Daren,
As always, I really enjoy reading your posts because you write with such honesty about your experiences and how you move through them. I especially appreciated your most recent story about handling intense criticism with real differentiation. And this line especially stood out to me: “Unloosening the tight connection between worth and performance, and also leadership and emotional armor…” — such a meaningful way to describe the shift so many of us are trying to make.
You have a remarkable ability to reflect deeply and lead with intention, and I’m confident you’ll carry this differentiated way of leading into whatever comes next with strength and courage.
Thank you Elyssse! Check your post for my sentiments!
Hi Daren, In this final post I feel I am seeing you more real than at any other time – that is saying a lot when you add the MDiv time on, too! Thanks for your honest voice. I hope to also be trading in grinding for groundedness.
Hey Julie, I guess we call this the growth curve, and as you know, this doctoral journey has opened us up in some unimaginable ways to confront and challenge ourselves. It is so crazy that we have done six years and now we are coming close to the end of the journey.
Daren, great self analysis and analysis of Walker and Friedman. Thanks for your honesty.
Also, since you mentioned something about getting things done – though not in those words – I thought I’d share something I created for my project. Maybe there’s a nugget in here that is helpful. 🙂
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PZhUxqY71ZHHi_hCneLR6Kvl54HIhscv/view?usp=drivesdk
God bless!
HI Debbie! I appreciate you and thank you for this great resource.
Dr. Jaime, what a gift it has been to learn alongside you. Thank you for your leadership in the community and beyond. I think God may be preparing an even larger role for you in the future! Remember to rest along the way so you can offer your best self to others.
May the Lord bless and keep you safe.
Dr. Eckert! Thank you, and I am praying that my next chapter will be equally as fulfilling, whatever that looks like. I really enjoyed getting to know you and hearing the fantastic work you are doing. God has greater things for you as well- just watch Dr.!
Daren, I greatly appreciated the experiences and perspectives you brought to our cohort. I am sorry for the challenging situation you faced with the ministry restructuring effort. I have no doubt that you were able to face that as a calm, non-anxious presence, as that is the leadership you have brought to our Zoom calls. Blessings to you.
Kari! Thank you for your thoughts and also thank yiu for the sacrificial work your calling has led you to. You and Elysse are doing the work. I pray for your peace and protection as you boldly go where many refuse to go. Blessings!