Filling my cup to help Others
“A Failure of Nerve” by Edwin H. Friedman is definitely my favorite book of the semester so far! It’s been a challenging week for me, and it truly feels as though this book was written just for someone like me. As a new leader here in Hawaii, I’m navigating the beautiful journey of leading in a fresh environment. Managing seven different departments while learning how to best support my team and juggle all my responsibilities can be quite overwhelming, but I’m embracing the experience! Edwin Friedman introduced a new concept in “A Failure of Nerve” that I had never encountered before, which is the concept of a triangle. As the leader of my Youth Department, I often find myself caught in many triangles, which can lead to destruction and eventually cause me to lose sight of my goals. “Leaders who get caught in emotional triangles lose their capacity to lead because they become emotionally entangled in the problems of others.”1.
It’s Friday, and President Trump just had a meeting with Ukrainian President Zelensky. While the meeting didn’t yield the desired results, we’re still hoping for a clear path to end this heartbreaking war. I’m truly moved by how people are reacting to this situation. Coming from Eastern Europe, where I’ve walked on those streets where now are dead bodies and heartbreak, streets filled with devastation, I find it easier to express my thoughts here in the USA than if I were back in Russia or Ukraine. Friedman wisely observes, “The greatest mistake leaders make is assuming that people are logically motivated when, in fact, they are emotionally driven.” It’s so interesting to see such lively discussions in American society, with a variety of opinions capturing a wide range of emotions—sometimes leading to anxiety and stress. What captivates me isn’t just how people respond to the war in Ukraine, as we all care and want it to end, but rather how quickly we form conclusions without knowing the whole story. The phrase “a failure of nerve” encapsulates our yearning for quick fixes, highlighting that we often live in challenging systems, always searching for the easiest and safest paths.
I truly connect with Friedman’s perspective that we often find ourselves in systems where, rather than fostering accountability, we tend to focus on how people feel. This can make it a bit challenging to engage in meaningful discussions and shift our attention from productive conversations to emotions. We want to belong to as many circles as possible, even when they don’t relate to us. He discusses two types of congregations: one being a pill – where people are stuck in the past, dwelling on their problems; and the other being a plum – forward-thinking and adaptable. Leaders who are mired in the past create stagnant systems, while those who embrace the future inspire their followers to do the same. This really challenges me as a leader, as sometimes my unresolved past sneaks in uninvited and tends to steal the spotlight.
Friedman shares a powerful example of a ship captain navigating through choppy waters. After a tough week at work, I can definitely relate to feeling a bit more anxious than usual. He points out that many ships face wrecks not necessarily because of massive storms or serious threats, but often due to small, overlooked mistakes in judgment. The captain, while concentrating on the big picture, might overlook some important details, leading to serious consequences. It turns out that it’s not just about making the right choices; it’s the tiniest hesitations that can grow into more significant issues. He encourages us to prioritize self-care, highlighting how many leaders get caught up trying to solve everyone else’s problems while neglecting their personal growth. Friedman reminds us to embrace our inner authority and notes that the best leaders are those who first take charge of themselves. He helps us recognize the patterns in our lives – within our families, church, work, and even personal lives. He wisely states, “You cannot change a system by trying to change others; you change it by changing yourself.”2
How do I avoid falling into the trap of being a pleaser?
How do I steer clear of triangles that I don’t belong in?
How do I control my urge to fix the problems around me?
I’m really focusing on changing myself. While I can’t change others, I have the power to choose the path I want to walk. I need to clarify my values and goals because without them, I feel like I’m walking blindly and potentially leading others into a difficult spot. Taking care of my personal well-being is essential. Rather than looking for a savior, I find it much more effective to work on my personal issues and get to the root of my past challenges. Leaving my past unresolved holds me back from pursuing the goals and vision we aspire to establish. Most importantly, it’s not just about leading others; it’s about leading myself first and foremost.
#1 – Friedman – p.219
#2 – Friedman – ch 1
Friedman – summary of all chapters
About the Author
Ivan Ostrovsky
11 responses to “Filling my cup to help Others”
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Ivan, I’ve been praying for Ukraine as well.
On a personal note, what does it look like for you to clarify your current values and future goals as you work through your unresolved past?
Thank you, Robert, for your prayers. In response to your questions: My life is quite busy with work and is becoming increasingly hectic with more tasks. The older I get, the more I realize the importance of making time for myself. As Friedman mentions in his book, to be a good leader, one must first take care of oneself. It’s essential to fill my cup first so that it can overflow onto others. I need to slow down, take on fewer tasks, and write down a clear vision of where I am headed and where I want to take my team. I’ve been in Hawaii for a little less than a year, yet I haven’t made time to go to the beach or hike a mountain. That needs to change.
Ivan, can I recommend a book for you? Pete Scazzero emotionally healthy leader. He’s got a great chapter on Sabbath. He recommends doing something fun on your Sabbath.
Thanks for the recommendation, Robert. I’ll look into it!
Thanks, Ivan. Your three introspective questions are a good summary of what to do with this book. I have gained insight from the conversations this week and view the book in a better light than when I slogged through it by myself.
I prefer to make evidenced-based decisions, so I will add my own fourth question.
How do I make decisions in ambiguity?
Friedman had nudged me to recognize that I am responsible, whether haste or indecision. The organization does not care about my decision-making process, only the outcome. It is definitely a call to action rather than analysis.
Your statement is so true: “The organization does not care about my decision-making process, only the outcome.” This is evident even in our churches. As long as no one is complaining and everything is running smoothly with numerous baptisms, I am rarely asked how I’m doing or if I’m taking care of myself. In fact, the more I am praised for my good work, the harder I push myself to do even more. What if, in our work environments, we encouraged each other to take some time off, spend more time with our families, or, in my case here in Hawaii, go to the beach more often!?!
Also, I appreciate the question you added to my list of questions: How do I make decisions in ambiguity? I had to look up the word “ambiguity” in the dictionary lol. It says, “The quality of being open to more than one interpretation; inexactness.” As a Christian, I believe it is essential to be a good listener and to put myself in someone else’s shoes. It is so easy to jump to conclusions and make decisions based on the information I have, yet, I only have one set of eyes; therefore, someone else’s experience differs from my own.
Ivan,
I’ve been keeping a close eye on this week’s activities with Ukraine and praying for a form of resolution.
We have used the triangle scenarios within our family system and found them to be an extremely useful tool for breaking the gridlock and moving forward. We also found that working on ourselves helped immensely.
I struggle with the element of self-care. It wasn’t until recently that I sought out a coach for the 2nd time in 25 years and a spiritual director while pursuing this degree. Outside of the shift in doctoral workload, what have you changed (or thought about changing) in your current environment to help your personal self?
Great question: “Outside of the shift in doctoral workload, what have you changed (or thought about changing) in your current environment to support your personal well-being?” I have struggled with balancing my time between work and my personal life. Since I am not married, I don’t have a family to come home to, which leads me to overload my schedule with extra meetings and projects. I plan to set aside some time for myself when no one can reach me on my phone while I am at the beach in Hawaii (where I live). I have been here for a little less than a year, and I rarely get to enjoy the beach due to my heavy workload, which is not acceptable.
Ivan, thanks for the post and my thoughts and prayers still go up for Ukraine. May the guns fall silent. I like your reference to systemic change. Given there is so much going on around us, do you think improving the systems in our spheres of influence can contribute to positive change on major issues?
Thank you, Alex, for your thoughtful prayers for Ukraine and the end of this war.
To answer your question, I appreciated Friedman’s point about how trying to change those around us is not productive at all. It starts with me and focuses on improving myself, which means confronting my past and filling my cup with things that give me strength. From there, I can build a vision that, if it is meaningful, will inspire others to follow. I value the methods of Jesus. He offered Himself to others and invited them to follow Him. There was something about Him and what He had to offer that transformed the world, leading to so many people to follow His way and be saved from their sins.
Ivan,
Thank you for bringing the war in Ukraine to the forefront. It’s easy for me to hear about what is happening in passing and forget that the war represents real people with real heartbreak.
The last part of your post was a great reminder from the book: “You cannot change a system by trying to change others; you change it by changing yourself.” It is easy to fall into the trap of trying to “fix” things and then get stuck in the triangle. I need to remember to steer clear of the ones I don’t belong to.
Sometimes, we get caught in them even when trying to avoid. Do you have any tactics that you have found helpful to get out, even when you are getting sucked in?