Failure of Nerve…
Edwin H. Friedman wrote one of the frankest, no-nonsense books I have ever read. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix caused me to wrinkle my forehead, squint my eyes, and stare off into space for minutes at a time as I pondered his thoughts. I was reminded of real situations as I read his words, and even felt the nerve of discomfort as he delved into emotional triangles. Memories of my adolescence as a single child navigating life between two divorced parents and ping-ponging back and forth between homes flooded my dreams for days! (Actually, they were more like nightmares!) But in reality, this was exactly what Friedman wrote – I was stuck in other people’s problems! Two anxious presences surrounded me, and as a kid, I was unable to break free of the vortex of anxiety! Enough about that.
Friedman used his prior work on multi-generational family dynamics as a catalyst to addressing his perception that our current society has become stuck in an unhealthy relational dynamic. He took an in depth look at leadership as an emotional process, describing the undercurrents that sabotage or paralyze leaders and provided some guidance for becoming “unstuck.” Christopher Columbus (an interesting choice) was his chosen example for illustrating creativity and imagination in an otherwise “stuck” society. Friedman said, our society and time in history are ready for leaders who can differentiate from the thinking of these times, who can see new vistas and who are willing to risk sailing into waters where others have been too fearful to go. Or too tunnel-visioned to even perceive.[1]
The crux of Friedman’s work was identifying four specific dynamics that cause problems for leadership in America[2]:
- The weakest or most dependent members of the organization set the agendas, “leveraging power to the recalcitrant, the passive-aggressive, and the most anxious members of an institution, rather than toward the energetic, the visionary, the imaginative, and the motivated.”[3]
- Individuated leadership has been devalued to the point that leaders tend to seek consultation elsewhere (consultants, endless searches of data and research on research) rather than developing “their own capacity to be decisive.”[4] Imagination and creativity has been lost to quick fixes.
- Decision makers have denied the realities of emotional processes in their organizations as contributors to decision-making, instead becoming obsessed with information-seeking and gathering endless data in hopes that it will make their decisions for them.[5]
- People misunderstand “the relational nature of destructive processes” in organizations. As a result, leaders assume that if they behave as reasonable, caring, insightful, ethical role models who seek consensus, they can actually keep toxic forces in check. This leaves their organizations vulnerable to the invasiveness of people who don’t regulate themselves.[6]
My dad keeps a three-word phrase up on his bathroom mirror, and I noticed it changed once or so a year. It took me years to ask him why he had the phrases posted. Instead of making up New Year’s Resolutions, he gave himself a leadership goal to be his “mantra” throughout the 52 weeks. These three words helped him regulate himself, promote his leadership, and keep the toxic forces in check. It was something to focus him on the positive, not the negative. Of course, wanting to be just like my dad, I started doing the same thing. Several years ago, my phrase was “be here now” to remind me to not be distracted by all that is going on around me, or the past mistakes or the future to-do list, but instead to live in the present, here and now. Next was to “choose joy,” as I hoped to be in control of my outlook and emotions in life. I choose to be joyous in all things and celebrate, instead of dwelling on the negative or the downtrodden. In 2012, I began living with an “attitude of gratitude,” giving thanks for all things great and small, and then in 2013 my three words became “make it count.” That same year, I had the wonderful opportunity to keynote a college conference in Texas, and the theme of the week came from Romans 12. Since then I have held the second verse of this chapter close to my heart:
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”
As I began the thought process of forming my three words for 2014, the words “be transformed” plagued my thoughts for the longest time; however, during one of my airline journeys, flying somewhere over Tennessee, the phrase “be the change” continued to be placed upon my heart. Indeed, Mahatma Gandhi urged:
“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
Instead of getting stuck in other’s problems, what if we become the well-differentiated leaders? What if we, as leaders, be the change? As Friedman wrote, differentiated leaders tolerate other people’s discomfort because it encourages them to take personal responsibility. Their leadership has the ability to diffuse the anxiety. By being a non-anxious presence, it makes others take responsibility for themselves. By being a well-differentiated leader, they are being the change they wish to see around them. Differentiated leadership is a direction in life, a direction in maturity. It requires us to take care of ourselves, challenge ourselves, focus ourselves, and as this video concluded, to follow the call to love our neighbor, just as we love ourselves.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdcljNV-Ew
(I found this video while I was waiting for my iPad to revive… My dead iPad was holding my Kindle version of A Failure of Nerve hostage…)
[1] Edwin Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (New York: Church Publishing, Inc., 2007), Loc. 1045.
[2] Ibid., Loc. 293-310.
[3] Ibid., Loc. 298.
[4] Ibid., Loc. 302.
[5] Ibid., Loc. 306.
[6] Ibid., Loc. 310.
About the Author
Ashley Goad
Ashley is the Global Missions Pastor at First United Methodist Church in Shreveport, Louisiana. She's a UNC fanatic, Haiti Enthusiast, Clean Water Activist, Solar Power Supporter... www.firstserves.org www.solarunderthesun.org www.livingwatersfortheworld.org11 responses to “Failure of Nerve…”
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Ashley, you have written such a wonderful post…thanks for sharing your great insights. I am now very tempted to post a mantra on my mirror come this new year. If you have not read Friedman’s “Generation to Generation,” I would highly recommend you do so. It will further give you insights into the family dynamics that you discuss in your post. But I was most taken with these yearly mantras you have chosen over the years, as each seem to illustrate so much of what Friedman was getting at…of having your goals clearly before you, of choosing to make your own way in the world, in so doing, being the very best that you can be for those around you. I really do appreciate this concept of leadership, after having spend so many years in ministry and dealing with so many emotional struggles, that would have been easy to get sucked into. Yet, as I think of the many young people that I was able to help and minister to, it was more for the simple fact that I was there, that I was present with them, but at the same time able to demonstrate a different way, a non-anxious or toxic way of life that these young people needed so much more than someone who would join them in their dysfunction. That is why your phrase seem so wonderful: “be here now,” “chose joy,” “be the change,” “make it count” and “attitude of gratitude” – as they all show healthy emotional attitude toward life and ministry. And that sense of joy, purpose and focus is so evident in your life. Thanks for letting that joy shine out and blessing others in so many ways by being there and being the change. You are a great encouragement to so many, Ashley.
You, John, are much too kind. Thank you for your kindness. Generation to Generation has now been added to my 2016 and beyond reading list! Thank you!
Together, we will be the change!
Well, the Royals did not win, but it sure was a good series! Thanks for making a pick!
On to this week…thanks for sharing some more of your life with us, Ashley. As I look at your list of mantras, the most challenging one for me is “be here now”. The challenge to be truly present with others, apart from the buzzes, beeps and rings that seem so tempting to invade; not to mention, my own thoughts about what else I could be doing or what I’m doing next. All of those pull at my capacity to be fully present. What is your best strategy to remain present and yet resist getting pulled into the emotional anxiety of others?
Deve, you always ask the best questions. “Be here now” was and is the one mantra I have struggled with. “Choose Joy” and “Attitude of Gratitude” came more naturally… But my mind moves in and out about 1000 thoughts a second. It is hard to keep up with the person in front of you and the… OH! SHINY! 🙂
When I go into a meeting now, or any type of one-on-one or small group discussion, I leave my phone somewhere else. My phone buzzes every milli-second, and if it were near me, I would pick it up every milli-second. So that has been a big challenge and change for me. Second, I normally love sitting with my back against the wall so I can look around and see other people. However, especially in a one-on-one setting, I will now sit where I can only see the person who is talking to me. It helps minimize distractions.
And finally, I found centering myself before meeting with others has truly helped. Taking deep breaths, repeating a centering prayer, or “Be still and know that I am God”…something to focus me before sitting down seems to help. In a big group of people, I am useless, as I become overwhelmed with the noise around me and not being able to focus on just one person. Thus, if I take the time to center down before going in, my anxiety subsides and my ability to look forward grows.
Is there anything you’ve found helpful?
Definitely…I like the idea of purposefully sitting so that you focus away from the big space and directly toward the person you are meeting with…I’ll learn from that…
Hi Ashley, thank you for your beautifully written post! I too like your practice of mantra and I can see how it helped you focus and have a clear leadership goal for a year. You also nicely articulate the concept of leaders self-differentiation. I do not know if anyone can ever master a well defined, a non-anxious presence, but it is a critical ability leaders need to develop. It requires leaders to develop the ability to discern where the source of the problem and be careful not to get stuck into other’s problems. As you highlighted at the end, we can’t follow our call to love our neighbor unless we are differentiated. Thanks again!
Telile! That’s an excellent observation! I often will write about people who exhibit the traits of the book we read… However, I don’t know if I have truly met someone who fully illustrates a self-differentiated leader. Have you?
Hi Ashley! How are you? 🙂
Really excellent post! I really loved your three words mantra which you’ve adopted in recent years. What a great idea! Sounds very motivational.
Thank you too for posting the video. It was really helpful in better understanding the book.
It was interesting to read your opening paragraph about the triangle you were in as a child. That must have been tough. I too have divorced parents and I think the lessons we observe as a child can either serve to make us bitter or better. For me, I just remembered thinking how I never wanted to be as dysfunctional as them. How about you? Do you feel that you learned something from that situation, even though it was so hard at the time?
Well done Ashley! A great post.
Liz, amen! Divorced parents stinks…but like you, I grew up learning and knowing how to grow up to be different. When raising my two step-sons, I knew exactly how NOT to act! 🙂 I also remembered telling the boys over and over… they could either use their divorced parents as an excuse their whole life, or they could overcome the hardships, learn from the mistakes of their parents, and be BETTER because of their situation. I hope it was as helpful to them as it was when my youth pastor told me the same thing! 🙂
Ashley, yours is such a moving post. “Be here now”, is so much appreciated and I have seen you put this mantra in practice. It is moving for me because I realize that everyone what to be validated and most times, if not at all times, being presence and actively learn to people is a definite way to “be here now”.
A self regulated and differentiated leader is presence, loving (an emotional quality), show empathy, firmness, agreeable (certainly disagrees as well).
What challenges and joys have you experienced with the mantra approached?
A real blog, indeed great job on it!
Ashley,
A short note about something in your well-offered post:
I like the idea of the well-differentiated leader tolerating others discomfort for the sake of their good and the good off community. I like that you suggest the well-differentiated leader is best embodying love of neighbor.
Thanks.