Ego Protection / Shadow Resurrection
The ego is our dominant personality. The ego is not a bad thing, in fact it is part of our survival and protection. It is our persona (Latin for mask worn by an actor) that has been formed over years and decades, to get us what we want and need out of life. The ego protects us from the things unhelpful to our acceptance in our culture. All the things it deems unhelpful – such as crying in front of others, sharing a dream, playfulness, trusting strangers, singing/dancing in public, taking a day off – these things belong to the shadow. The shadow is the container of all the things that do not get us acceptance. As the years go by, we build up quite a collection. Robert Bly calls the shadow “the long bag we drag behind us.”[1] The natural desires we have, that are stuffed in the shadow bag, do not go away. They fester and grow perverse without light. They become a source of internal shame. We are ashamed of the perverse desires we have because we do not understand the innocent source from which they grew. They leak out sideways when people are not looking, typically onto those closest to us.
In Leading Out Of Who You Are, Simon Walker uses the metaphor of Front Stage and Back Stage to describe these separate parts of our self. I think this metaphor is quite helpful, as the front stage we show the world is truly a performance by an expert actor. Walker suggest four types of actors or ego styles we take on. I will give you the solution he suggests for healing each style. This may give you a clue as to which style you most likely operate in. [2]
- The Shaping Ego – High trust in self and others
- The Defining Ego – High trust in self, Low trust in others
- The Adapting Ego – Low trust in self, High trust in others
- The Defending Ego – Low trust in self and others
The major problem that started these ego development styles began in childhood with the quality of attachments to caregivers. Walker draws on the work of psychoanalyst John Bowlby to describe the necessary, strong rope connecting us to our caregivers. The rope is created by a safe, reliable, and predictable environment in which the child experiences the perception of acceptance and trust.[3] Notice I said the perception of acceptance and trust. The theory suggests that children can receive all these things and still not perceive that they have received all these things. Perception truly is reality to our nervous systems and implicit memories. Without these strong ropes, “the growing child soon feels vulnerable and anxious and has to find other ways to protect themselves.”[4] This is how the mask/ego/front stage begins to take shape.
The solution suggested by Walker and many others is the development of a secure attachment through relationship. Sticking it out through the parts that are triggered and allow trusting, secure relationships to heal us. Here are the punchline solutions for each type.
- The Shaping Ego – Allow feedback to touch you
- The Defining Ego – Enjoy the moment and stay in it
- The Adapting Ego – Trust yourself
- The Defending Ego – Stay in the relationship – Trust others
My childhood wound is a perceived lack of nurturing. The message I internalized was “it’s not okay to depend on others for anything.” My core desire became to be happy and avoid pain. This created my core fear of being deprived, trapped, or in pain. My coping strategies for these fears are gluttony and planning. The solution to this is sobriety and wisdom. The core message I need to internalize is “You are taken care of”.
It seems the only way to face my fears is in the gladiator arena of relationships. I know that is true and would even teach it on the front stage. Meanwhile my backstage self is saying “But relationships are full of people with all their undealt-with triggers, triggering my undealt-with triggers. I can’ trust these people. They don’t know how to heal me. I don’t need their advice. Especially through the lens of their fundamental, religious worldview. I need experts of the soul and psyche. If I could just find the right ones, the ones that really know more than me about these things, then I will feel safe enough to go there myself. But just meeting my fears on that training ground of relationship through uninformed, non-self-aware people has not been a trick I am able to pull off. If I am critiqued, criticized, questioned, or perceive rejection or nonacceptance – I’m out – We are done here.”
I have to find a way to accept these fears and face the difficulty and discomfort of them surfacing through relationships.[5] My defensiveness against these struggles (avoiding the discomfort of fear) is only making me more fragile. Holding the tension and accepting the struggle is essential to my formation and development.[6]
[1] “A Little Book on the Human Shadow: A Poetic Journey into the Dark Side of the Human Personality, Shadow Work, and the Importance of Confronting Our Hidden Self: Robert Bly, William Booth
[2] “Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership: Walker, Simon P” 110.
[3] “ Walker, Simon P” 54.
[4] “ Walker, Simon P:” 54.
[5] “Walker, Simon P:” 148.
[6] “Walker, Simon P:” 140.
About the Author
Christian Swails
Christian is the founder of CoCreation - a Startup Hub for social entrepreneurs in Savannah, Ga. He serves as the Spiritual Director for Wesley Gardens Retreat Center and Wesley Monumental United Methodist Church.14 responses to “Ego Protection / Shadow Resurrection”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Christian,
Thank you for your transparency and sharing. This book also led me to think deeply about how I was raised as a single child and my parents’ behaviors. Did you see yourself fitting entirely into a single ego, or was there an overlap between two of the styles? You shared your thirst for knowledge and desire to research and dive deep into topics. Do you see yourself gaining more freedom by being less relentless in this pursuit? Also, what other sounding boards or resources could you enlist to help with handling the personal critique? I understand that these raw discussions can trigger moments and a lack of trust.
These are wonderful qustions, Michael. Thank you. I actually felt drawn to the first 2 ego styles – Shaping & Defining – I could not choose 1 that I resonated most with. If I am honest I found resonance with the shadow side of most of these styles. I think there is a bit of universal human condition in them all.
On to research and knowledge. Yes, to your question. I would find more true freedom by being less relentless in this pursuit. This is a case of gluttony and planning that I am prone to. I cognitively know how to combat it, but in the moment it is quite a challenge to turn off.
On handling the personal critique well. I think this is going to require some leasersmithing work. Putting myself intentionally in these situations voluntarily instead of avoiding them at all costs.
Christian,
I appreciate your response. I was oscillating between 2 of these egos also. It was definitely not as clear-cut as I would necessarily have initially anticipated.
This would require an investment to unpack, but you are on the right path to exploring options or asking questions. Acknowledgment is a critical aspect of this. Well done wrestling with this!
Thank you Christian yet again for your deep reflection. I knew you would have wrestled with this topic over many years and I was excited to read your insights. Thank you for your honesty and self awareness that I am sure comes with a cost.
Your penultimate paragraph with the voice of your backstage I believe is shared by so many, but most cannot yet find the courage to articulate this due to deep rooted shame of not being ‘good enough’ and so the fear of rejection from others and self is too dangerous. Yet I believe it connects us as humans with shared vulnerabilities and experiences.
I was speaking over dinner a few days ago with two well known trauma experts and I knew i had to mention that they were speaking in my conference which is held in the church building I built! I rarely speak about my two different worlds (trauma and church) due to people assuming I may have, in your words that ‘lens of …fundamental, religious worldview.’ The male speaker had come to speak 4 years ago and I didn’t mention anything when he commented on the building, because I know how trauma psychotherapists view churches as places that cause pain. It’s taken me 8 years of building authentic relationship to for to say over this meal that I had something to tell him. My other speaker knew – a well regarded academic researcher in trauma- and was a comforting friend during my death threat season. I said ‘my dad was a church leader and I hated it. I hated the shame, the fake, the religious pretence and judgement hiding the turmoil and sadness. But I really liked the person of Jesus.’ Both of them sprung to agreement in how extraordinary Jesus was. I said ‘the building is actually built for and from an intergenerational community of people who recognise without shame their trauma, pain and need, who want to be like Jesus and see society change.’ They both gushed with how amazing that could be. The two days were great and both spoke into the mics independently, to my surprise, and said ‘here is a community of people who share passion and commitment to a culture of healing, recovery and care that is genuinely inspiring and gives me hope for the future.’ I knew they had experienced Jesus in all the tiny interactions with those who carry the culture that I think and hope is a Jesus culture.
I think there are so many ways to facilitate communities that are built on the person of Jesus and have an intentional culture of authenticity but not over sharing, compassion but not pity, raw feelings that can be held by others with healthy boundaries and all exploring and speaking to and about Jesus. Have you experienced that? What would you think about that? Is that something like your spiritual formation retreats? I am so curious to know your response. I feel like there are communities out there experimenting and I am fascinated to know more of their journey.
Betsy, this is wonderful language: “an intergenerational community of people who recognize without shame their trauma, pain, and need, who want to be like Jesus and see society change.” I’m gushing with your guest speakers at the possibility!
To your question, I have experienced small bits of “communities that are built on the person of Jesus and have an intentional culture of authenticity but not over sharing, compassion but not pity, raw feelings that can be held by others with healthy boundaries and all exploring and speaking to and about Jesus.” – But only in very intentional settings, that I have paid large amounts of money to be at or retreats we have hosted for others.
This is not a norm for me. I wish it were. We long for it. I am proud of the amazing work you are doing.
Thanks Christian. That is interesting that you have only had tastes of such a community. Oh how we need more leaders to build these then, because spending large sums of money on retreats is not available to many. Thank you for sharing your experience and reaction to the vision statement, its very valuable to me.
Interesting thought Betsy. I have been thinking about this lately and wondering can Jesus be the prototype of a leader we can follow; regardless of the sector or faith affiliation. I am still searching for a community that embodies a culture pegged on following Christ..
Alex, I have not yet met anyone who rejects Jesus as an outstanding leader unless they get religious culture confused by the person. Christianity in its religious form is often rejected but Jesus Himself is quoted by people of all languages and cultures as a pioneering leader who has had more influence than any other.
And yes the Holy Spirit is the greatest healer and transformer of the back stages. The internal work needs understanding, prayer and time with The Healer.
Christian,
From the very first day we met in Washington, DC, I sensed a Christlikeness that I knew I wanted to be around. Once again, you have written a very thought-provoking blog. I love the metaphor you shared by Bly of the “long bag we drag behind us.”
Your comment on Bly’s metaphor is powerfully succinct and profound at the sam etime. “The natural desires we have, that are stuffed in the shadow bag, do not go away. They fester and grow perverse without light. They become a source of internal shame. We are ashamed of the perverse desires we have because we do not understand the innocent source from which they grew. They leak out sideways when people are not looking, typically onto those closest to us.” Indeed, they do become a source of internal shame. Apart from the blood of Christ shed on the cross, we are all undone by the weight of our own sin.
I never want to belittle the deep pain that many, if not most of us carry into adulthood, but I also never want to deminuate the healing power of God to rescue us from those many years of painful wounds. I continue to be enamored with this passage that Paul wrote to the Church in Thessaloniki: “May he give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do.” -2 These. 1:11b
Paul tells Timothy, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7. You are taken care of. I look forward to continuing this journey with you.
Thank you David. I certainly sense a deep well of longstanding nearness to Christ in you. I believe what you are saying is true about the way Christ heals our sin. The way I have experienced that is not the removal of sinful desires but a journeying with Christ on the true nature of where those desires come from. Seeing that he was with me when they were formed and that they can be redeemed.
I do think we vilify negative aspects of our psyche because we are scared of it and are not supposed to have those thoughts or feelings. So we rebuke them. I have found this unhelpful for most of my sinful desires. They typically point to a vulnerable part of me and are a signpost for a desire that wants to be healed.
When Christ accompanies me to those places, I certainly do feel taken care of.
Thanks Christian for the open reflection. I believe this backstage aspect of a leaders does show up in the frontstage at some point. I’m encouraged to keep doing the work people don’t see. Do you think, that while doing the backstage work, that there is a place for prayer and allowing the Holy Spirit to bring about this transformation?
Alex, absolutely. This is not just psychological work, this is deeply spiritual work. It is the Spirit within us that allows us to face these fears, knowing that we are not alone and that we are with and within the source of wisdom, truth, and love.
The psyche is a strange place with many subtle energies, discerning what they are and where they are coming from has to come from an anchored sense of Self in Christ.
Thanks for this anchoring reflection, Christian. Much appreciated.
Christian,
I love the honesty and openness of your blog. Thank you for sharing.
In your opinion, how does the concept of the “shadow” shape our behaviors, and what role do you think the ego plays in protecting us from these hidden aspects of ourselves?