Ear Muffs, Snoring, and Preaching Well
Noise vs. Sound
In the middle of the night I picked up my phone swiped to Amazon and bought Decibel Defense Personal Safety Earmuffs. With an advertised “37dB NRR – The HIGHEST Rated & MOST COMFORTABLE Ear Protection for Shooting & Industrial Use – THE BEST HEARING PROTECTION…GUARANTEED”[1] I hoped this purchase would be the solution I needed to get some sleep. My husband snores. He’s not ashamed of this. It doesn’t bother him that I tell you this. It’s a fact that anyone in our house, and perhaps even our neighbors, can hear, every single night.
In his book, How to be Heard, Julian Treasure defines noise as, “unwanted sound” and explains that sound can affect us psychologically, physiologically, and behaviorally.[2] These days, when I hear snoring, even just the very hint of it, I can feel my body getting tense, wanting to fight (not flight). Thank goodness, my husband simply rolls over or takes his pillow out to the couch so that I can get some sleep.
I say this to be funny, sort of, but also because noise, be it music, the sound of traffic, talking, or a snoring partner, affects us for better or for worse, but rarely neutrally. Even white noise can make us cranky, less productive and even weaken our immune system.[3] On the other hand, sounds we find pleasurable can be beneficial to us. Birdsong, for example, seems to make people feel safe, promoting alertness and even aiding in recovery![4]
The other night I was sitting at a dinner with friends observing how everyone was talking and laughing over one another. Nobody could finish a story or even a thought without another person jumping in with her own story. Nobody, it seemed was listening to the other. The more I watched the more frustrated I became and not just because I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, but also because the noise was becoming overwhelming for me at that late hour of the evening. The sound of friends talking and laughing, often a sound that brings me pleasure, had shifted into noise. And yet, during the dinner, one of the women commented to me that she enjoys conversations in which we all talk over one another. Conversations like these remind her of being with her family of origin, laughing, talking and having a raucous good time. The noise I was experiencing was a sound that brought a warm feeling, and even possibly created a physiological effect within her.
Listening Well
One of the first things they teach us in seminary is to listen. Listen, observe, learn your new context of ministry before you begin making changes. Sometimes this can take the better part of a year if not more before you earn the trust of the congregation. Listening well sends a message that you care while allowing you to learn what changes might need to be made. Treasure says listening creates understanding, promotes literacy, persuades and inspires, improves health and educates.[5] In her book, Being Wrong, Kathryn Schulz quotes Harville Hendrix, saying, “listening is one of the best ways we can make room in our lives for our own fallibility.”[6] We learn best, about each other, our context, our world, by listening to one another. I was frustrated at the dinner I mentioned above because I felt that nobody was listening. I wanted to listen, to hear, and to be heard.
To be heard is the longing of many. We rush through this life distracted by our many devices, shouting at one another on social media, jockeying for position, trying to prove our point, certain we are right.[7] We want to be heard but we don’t stop to listen. As a pastor, a friend, a mother, a wife, a daughter, I want “my people” to feel valued by me and I believe to make them feel valued I have to demonstrate that I am not only listening to them but really and truly hearing them. This happens when I put away my phone, turn off the alerts, make eye contact with the person speaking, wait until they are done speaking before I reflect back what I think I heard them say to me, allowing them quiet space to respond. I don’t always do this. Heck, I really struggle to do this. Life is so busy. But I want to be the kind of person who does this. I want my people – all people – to feel heard. I want to listen well. But sometimes, as I am learning, that means, at dinner parties I might not get my turn to speak.
Speaking Well
When I do speak I hope to the kind of person who thinks before she speaks. Note: I am not this kind of person, thus the illustration about my snoring husband. But, I am authentic when I speak. After reading Brene Brown’s book, The Power of Vulnerability, I determined that I will not try to be something I am not, I will not try to imitate another or hide my personality, or even my vulnerability, when I am preaching or speaking publically, or apparently when writing blog posts.[8] Instead, I will be me, fully and wholly me. In his book, Leading Out of Who You Are, Simon P. Walker writes, “Freedom comes from knowing you are approved of. Freedom to perform comes from the knowledge that there is someone rooting for you in the audience, whose opinion you value more than anyone else’s and who is smiling and cheering just for you. In such a relationship you become free from the need to succeed.”[9] If I’ve done the prayerful, scholarly work of exegesis as well as preparing a sermon or speech, I can let go and know that I belong to God and that no matter what, I’m okay, I’m loved.
That does not mean I will preach about my husband’s snoring. I saved that just for you and the rest of the internet. It also does not mean that any audience has earned the trust of some of my more private stories but it does mean, when I speak I will consciously be truthful. According to Treasure, “In my experience, authenticity rings true with listeners; fakery tends to be detectable.”[10] I agree with him. I can smell fakery, especially from preachers, a mile away and it immediately makes me doubt their words.
Preaching Well
Treasure gives several practical tools for learning to speak well, including, using a coach, story-telling, visual aids, voice control, and practice. While I appreciate each of these tools, one that I find especially helpful in sermon writing and preaching is story-telling. I believe the job of the preacher is to remind the congregation who they are and Whose they are. This can be done well through the art of telling the stories of scripture, the stories we have told for generations, the stories that interweave with our own, the story to which we belong. Walker writes, “The Jews find a sense of corporate identity in the story that is told of how God accompanied them through their history. In the face even of devastating loss – even of their homeland during exile – they retained this sense of retelling the story of God being with them.”[11]
Considering my NPO about building a mental health ministry in the church, this memory of God’s presence always with us, is vital to our wellbeing. Researcher and author, John Swinton writes, “Mental health, is the presence of Jesus. It is not an ideal, a concept of a goal. It is a relationship.”[12] This is why the presence of the Church is vital to the recovery of the person experiencing mental health challenges. To recover body, soul and mind, one must be able to say, “God was with me through the entire difficult experience.” The people of the Church, the body of Christ, can be that presence for the person experiencing suffering. To continually tell the story to which we belong is a powerful tool not only for preaching but for healing.
Conclusion
As I consider what makes an effective leader, for me, it is trust. I must be able to trust a leader before I will follow. This book, How to Be Heard, has many take aways but the main one for me was to learn to listen well, before I speak. Gain trust through listening and then be true to the words I speak.
[1] https://www.amazon.com/Professional-Safety-Muffs-Decibel-Defense/dp/B01BEENYCQ/ref=pd_ybh_a_sccl_18/133-0295416-2811503?pd_rd_w=ycwlB&content-id=amzn1.sym.67f8cf21-ade4-4299-b433-69e404eeecf1&pf_rd_p=67f8cf21-ade4-4299-b433-69e404eeecf1&pf_rd_r=V5YJBSGE1NRVFAVCQ9RP&pd_rd_wg=Yi7Cx&pd_rd_r=86486b81-b6a2-4651-af93-af7a122bb24f&pd_rd_i=B01BEENYCQ&th=1
[2] Julian Treasure, How to Be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening (La Vergne: Mango Media, 2017), 27.
[3] Ibid., 18.
[4] Ibid., 28
[5] Ibid., 42.
[6] Kathryn Schulz, Being Wrong, (New York, New York, Harper Collins, 2010), 309..
[7] Ibid., 58-59.
[8] Brene Brown, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage, (Boulder, CO: Sounds True, 2013).
[9] Simon Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership, (Carlisle, UK: Simon Walker, 2007), 102.
[10] Julian Treasure, How to Be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening (La Vergne: Mango Media, 2017), 210.
[11] Simon Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership, (Carlisle, UK: Simon Walker, 2007), 147.
[12] Christopher C. H. Cook and Isabelle Hamley, eds., The Bible and Mental Health: Towards a Biblical Theology of Mental Health (London, UK: Westminster John Knox Pr, 2020), 163.
About the Author
Kally Elliott
Mom of four. Wanna-be Broadway star. PC(USA) pastor. Wife. Friend. Sometimes a hot mess. Sometimes somewhat together. Is this supposed to be a professional bio?One response to “Ear Muffs, Snoring, and Preaching Well”
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Lots of good stuff in that post Kally–love the determination to be an authentic preacher/teacher that doesn’t pretend or appear as a know-it-all. We need more preachers like that in our churches (if the numerous preaching clips on the internet are representing reality!). I also appreciate how you contextualized Treasure’s connecting between listening and speaking so that real communication is taking place. As I read Treasure’s book, I thought a lot about how trust is developed between a leader/preacher and a congregation…and so much of it is contingent upon listening first. I love David Augsburger’s quote in his book, Caring Enough to Hear and Be Heard: How to Hear and How to Be Heard in Equal Communication:
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
When we listen well people feel loved. When they feel loved, the trust. When they trust, they listen. When they listen, they learn.