Don’t Spend Half Your Brain Being Someone Else
In his interview with Simon Walker, former British Petroleum executive, Lord John Browne said, regarding the work environment, he wanted to ensure that “people are who they are when they come to work and not spending half of their brain being someone else.” [1] He went on to share that for many years, he led a public life that was very different from his private life – until those worlds collided. Lord Browne’s example reflects the front stage and back stage analogy that Simon Walker describes in his book, Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership.
While it may be easy to think America is the only nation facing such challenges, the truth is the world seems to be at an identity crossroads. As communities become less tolerant, it is more difficult to remain authentic because of the risk to personal and professional safety.
So, what does it mean to live a front stage and back stage life? For Lord Browne, it meant that to truly live authentically, he needed to disclose the fact that he was a high-ranking executive who happened to be gay.
Front Stage and Back Stage Leadership
I often talk with friends about how our society seems to lack the ability to cope with the ever-changing dynamics around us. Coping skills are not necessarily taught in school and many of us lack certain life experiences that would garner them. As such, people have learned to act differently from one audience to another, which in the long run is not sustainable.
In a front stage role, leaders become congruent with their audience. They can shift and mold themselves into temporary portrayals of what the audience needs them to be. In Lord Browne’s case, he was an expert industry leader who exhibited confidence and security for his followers. But something on the inside was amiss.
In a back stage role, leaders tend to the other part of their lives. This is who they are when they “exhale and let their hair down”. For Lord Browne, it is where he lived his most authentic life as a gay man who also happened to be a brilliant executive of an international energy company. The conundrum of living such a divided life nets utter exhaustion. Leaders in these situations are neither giving nor receiving their best selves.
Trust and Taking Risks
Today’s generation struggles to address the cultural hurdles faced by everyday people. We feel more anxious than ever about groups we are unfamiliar with, often assuming the worst about them. We lack trust in one another. “Politicians, the media, special-interest groups – and sometimes even preachers raise the specter of people of whom we should be afraid.”[2] Yet, speaking out is almost a sure warrant for attack.
Still, people are not born to hate. Distrust for others is learned through the words, actions, and ideologies of those around us – our families, friends, fellow church members, and other community members. The problem is a pervasive and growing implied threat around us, that isn’t necessarily accurate. Other kingdom followers are not the enemy. People with different faiths, ideologies, or political parties are not the enemy. The forces rooted in fear and anxiety are the enemy. It is the dark one that wishes to steal, kill, and destroy us, especially when we are too busy to remember the scriptural guidance that God gave us. He said “I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”[3]
Before anything can change, we must be willing to take the risk of first changing ourselves. We need to say what we are FOR rather than against.[4] We need to share the things we love more often than we gripe about things we dislike. Through acts of courage, we can learn to examine our assumptions in light of the facts. We can release our anxieties and fears to God.[5] As different as we are, let us walk in unison for God’s glory forever and ever. Shalom.
[1] In Conversation: Simon Walker and Lord Browne, n.d. Accessed March 15, 2024. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgwKqk0CgJk.
[2] Hamilton, Adam. Unafraid: Living with Courage and Hope in Uncertain Times. First edition. New York: Convergent, 2018.
[3] “Isaiah 41:10 – So Do Not Fear, for I Am with You; Do Not Be Disma…” Bible Study Tools. Accessed March 15, 2024. https://www.biblestudytools.com/isaiah/41-10.html.
[4] Dowdell, Dennis. Maximizing You: Standing On the Shoulders of Giants. Charleston, SC: Palmetto Publishing, 2022
About the Author
Jennifer Eckert
Fundraising director, people connector, believer in second chances, fights poverty, supports justice reform, lives a life integrated with Matthew 25.13 responses to “Don’t Spend Half Your Brain Being Someone Else”
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Hi Jennifer – I always enjoy your posts.
I can empathize with Lord Browne’s conflicting front and back stage. When I worked in a high stress and very competitive environment, I had to bring my best professional self every day, for fear of failure, being replaced, or passed over. But at home, I was a mom of three young kids who needed me. I felt like I almost had to hide motherhood to my colleagues as most did not have children. Showing my motherhood could be interpreted as being less reliable, at risk of resignation, etc. That time in my life was difficult, and I regret living the double life.
Have you ever experienced something like that?
Thank you, Christy. Far too many women face gender discrimination due to perceptions around family. I am grateful for the progress made toward equality, but there is still more work to do. While I didn’t share the same type of front-stage and back-stage journey, mine was more related to personality.
I am naturally a curious person who can easily see connections between people and everyday things. Early in my career, attempts to use these gifts were sometimes met with pushback because I was a lower-level employee – not the right title to participate in X project or to work with Y director. I felt very underutilized and unfulfilled. I also thought there must be something wrong with me – immature, not professional enough…. so I began a “head down,” disengaged persona at work because I needed the job (front stage persona). But at home, I could relax and not exhaust myself at micro-filtering every thought and comment. I did the community mobilization work that I was good at and was affirmed by others along the way (back stage persona).
Later in my career, I felt a sense of liberation in being able to finally name those characteristics as “strategy, connector, learner,” courtesy of Clifton Strengthfinders. I recall someone once telling me to “just be you,” but by then I could finally tell her that being a strategic connector who loves to learn and teach others WAS me. I am still somewhat salty about the amount of time I spent allowing other people’s judgment of me to define how I thought about myself.
Hi Jennifer! I enjoyed your post and your emphasis on Lord Browne’s struggle. This is often commonplace for a lot of people who are navigating this conflict. Walker offers some solutions in Leading with everything to give, is there something that resonated with you in this?
Great question, Daren. I think to some degree we all guard ourselves in different circumstances for various reasons – needing to protect something (job, income, reputation, etc.). Revealing your true self (good, bad, indifferent) is risky and potentially costly. In the workplace, people are trained to act in a certain “professional” way that may be unnatural to how they act at home.
Still, I believe as close as you can weave those worlds together, the better. In his book, Unafraid, pastor Adam Hamilton says that “courage is not the elimination of fear but rather doing what we need to do despite fear and criticism. Remain steadfast”. But this may be more difficult for a single mother who desperately needs this job to feed her family.
My previous employer encouraged people to bring their whole selves to work. It was a key message repeated often by the top leadership, which allowed staff to free up their head space so they could then address the issues of alleviating hunger vs. hiding an identity.
Messages of inclusion from the top are important, as shared by Lord Browne.
Hi Jennifer, thanks for your post. I’m struggling with front stage vs back stage. I can see where living a divided life is decidedly unhealthy if we don’t acknowledge what is behind the curtain or if we secretly engage in destructive coping mechanisms. It seems like there is also a healthy element to back stage? Did you pick up anything helpful about that? I got in the weeds during that part of the book.
Oh, great question, Julie. As an introvert (INFJ, Myers Briggs), I desperately need the backstage experience to rest and recoup my energy. I love people, but they wear me out! At this stage in life (age 50), I find that the more I can live backstage, the better I am at authentically blending myself via my frontstage and backstage experiences (hosting fundraising events, organizing groups to go into prisons, etc.). I can also navigate the changes in cadence much better.
But backstage doesn’t always mean rest. It is also where I take care of my aging parents, and ensure household duties are managed, and that all three kids are doing well – things not discussed in much detail in my frontstage persona.
The issues I am much more cognizant of are related to politics. I never wanted a donor to stop contributing to the food bank or to my current ministry work because we held clashing views. I have to be much more “on” during these conversations, and I bet you do the same.
Jennifer, thank you for your post. I appreciate your discussion of trust and taking risks, especially being people who prioritize what we are for rather than against. At one point, you make the comment that “people are not born to hate” and indicate it is a learned disposition. How does this perspective interact with the orthodox Biblical doctrine of Original Sin and the scripture passages that indicate we are born with a sinful nature? (Romans 3:23,5:12, 6;6, 6:23, 7:18, Jeremiah 17:9, Ephesians 2:3, Colossian 3:5, 2 Peter 1:4)
Okay, Chad – did you ask everyone this question? LOL – Yes, we are all born with a sinful nature, but we are also born in the image of God, redeemed as a new creation. Denying this is a denial of the truth of his word.
In a perfect world, racism would have never started or at least died out eons ago because a previous generation experienced a threshold concept that caused them to “wake up” and suddenly love their neighbors But, alas, broken as we are, we still go round and round with sin, then we course correct for a little while until we sin again. It is the cycle of recognizing our errors and the redemption given to us through grace that helps us grow closer to Jesus. I would love to hear your thoughts on the question.
Hi Jennifer,
Loved your lines: “So, what does it mean to live a front stage and back stage life? For Lord Browne, it meant that to truly live authentically, he needed to disclose the fact that he was a high-ranking executive who happened to be gay.”
I wish all leaders (and everyone for that matter) could embrace the positive things of themselves and be vulnerable enough to share the harder things. If we all didn’t have to wear masks for others to see, the world would be a much nicer place to live!!
No questions. Just appreciation for your thoughts.
Thank you, Chris. Shalom.
Jennifer, two phrases came to mind as I read this. First, “How you show up in one area of your life is how you show up everywhere” meaning, who we are is, at core, who we are, and you can only bottle it up so much.
Also, this phrase that I’ve started sharing: “The problem isn’t the problem. The problem is how you COPE with the problem/situation.”
How do you think the backstage part of us might help the frontstage part cope more effectively, so we might become more like the undefended leader Walker suggests?
The issue of coping is huge! Hang on to your statement; it will prove to be accurate in many different scenarios.
In our backstage lives, I believe we first need to love ourselves better than we currently do. Not in an arrogant or prideful way, but humbly and authentically that honors ourselves as God’s creation placed here for his purpose at this time in history.
All too often, we are our worst enemies. We might question why would I want “that” side of me to be revealed when I don’t even like that part of myself,” or worse – we let other people’s opinions of us claim space in how we think of ourselves. I mentioned in another comment that backstage space can be used for healing and rest, which allows you to have the strength needed to begin weaving those two selves together.
But to be truly undefended, we need to be willing to bear the consequences. It is a very difficult and courageous place to be, which is why so few people can accomplish that role.
Thank you for your post, Jennifer. In my earlier life, I was ministering in the Church with an unhealthy ‘front stage and backstage’ balance. I was young and immature spritually. It caught up with me’ as a result, I have not been involved in any ministry since those days. However, I believe that it is natural for any leader to have a ‘frontstage and back- stage’ but it is a matter of we balance it.