Difficult, Crucial and Impossible Conversations
This week’s book, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide by Peter Boghossian and James, is a timely read for many reasons. The book promises to be an instruction manual for conversations with people who want to speak to you when it seems almost impossible to do so.[1] Who can’t relate to the need to have better conversations in a polarized world filled with many people who are fragile and easily offended?
I have been asked to facilitate an interactive Zoom seminar designed for emerging ministry leaders in the early stages of their vocational journey. The seminar, titled “How to Have Tough Conversations,” addresses a critical competency that has surfaced as a developmental gap among many young leaders. Leaders struggle to engage in healthy, constructive dialogue when the stakes are high.
Through feedback and observation, our team has identified that a significant number of early-career church leaders struggle to navigate emotionally charged conversations, particularly those involving theological disagreement, political divergence, racial tension, or matters of human sexuality. Many of them also struggle to have conversations with their supervising pastor or the board. These dialogues often occur within complex relational dynamics and can feel like walking through fire.
In response to this challenge, we have recognized two common tendencies. Leaders either avoidance these conversations or they escalate. Some leaders, overwhelmed by the emotional intensity of these exchanges, retreat from the conversation entirely, thereby leaving critical issues unaddressed. Others, lacking the tools for calm engagement, respond with incendiary behaviour that increases conflict and undermines trust. Both responses hinder the development of healthy and effective leadership.
This seminar seeks to equip participants with the emotional awareness and practical frameworks necessary to engage in difficult conversations with courage, clarity, and compassion. Our aim is to cultivate leaders who neither flee from conflict nor inflame it, but who instead embody a pastoral approach that could encourage healing, understanding, and transformation.
In this seminar, I plan to use Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High[2] by Grenny and Patterson and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most[3] by Stone, Patton, and Heen, as primary sources. After reading Impossible Conversations, I will consider including it as a secondary source.
I am going to use this blog to work out how to include this book in my seminar. I have already mapped out the two primary resources. Now, I will map Impossible Conversations alongside these. I will explore shared themes from all three sources that are important in every conversation, regardless of the context. Secondly, I will identify where each resource might be best applied.
Shared Themes:
- Stay Curious
- Crucial Conversations: The first person to be curious with is yourself. Ask yourself: What do I want for myself? What do I want for others? What do I want for the relationship?[4] Then develop a shared pool of meaning by asking others to share their story.
- Difficult Conversations: Move from certainty to curiosity. Seek to understand the other person’s story by asking questions.[5]
- Impossible Conversations: Model ignorance[6]. Resist thinking you know more than you do and ask questions.
- Listen Intently
All emphasize the importance of listening without interrupting or refuting.
- Crucial Conversations: Highlights “making it safe” so that others can share without fear.[7]
- Difficult Conversations: Manage your internal voice to listen to their voice. Paraphrase what they say rather than refute what they say.[8]
- Impossible Conversations: Shoot the messenger – don’t deliver uninvited messages.[9]
- Separate Facts From Stories
Conversations are complex and involved facts, feelings, beliefs, and our identity.
- Crucial Conversations: Warning: we often confuse our interpretations with facts. Learn to analyze stories by questioning your own conclusions.[10]
- Difficult Conversations: Describes 3 conversations that happen in each conversation. What “actually happened”, our feelings about the conversation, and how our identity has been impacted. Separate what happened from feelings and identity conversations.[11]
- Impossible Conversations: Shift away from blame contribution and focus on epistemology.[12]
- Regulate Emotions
You can’t engage constructively if you are defensive or reactive. Each stresses the importance of self-awareness of our emotions and what triggers us.
- Crucial Conversations: Master your stories because stories create feelings. Separate facts from stories before responding helps to regulate emotion. Eg. “What story am I telling myself right now?” vs. “What are the facts?”[13]
- Difficult Conversations: Don’t vent but name your emotions in the conversation. Acknowledge emotions without letting them hijack you. [14] “I feel defensive after hearing that but I want to understand.”
- Impossible Conversations: Deal with your anger and when in doubt, exit the conversation.[15] Pause, Listen, Acknowledge, Apologize.
- Connect Rather Than Win
The aim is not to crush an opponent but to maintain a relationship, discover truth, and find a shared path forward.
- Crucial Conversations: Practice joint problem solving. Explore the PATH of others. Ask for their POV.[16]
- Difficult Conversations: Describes this as “beginning from the third story”[17] I have my understanding, and you have your understanding; let’s try to understand what’s really happening.
- Impossible Conversations: Make the other person a partner in the conversation, not an adversary.[18] Treat them as friends with dignity and respect.
Application:
While there are similar themes, each of these would be valuable in different contexts. Below is a summary of where these might apply.
- For workplace conversations try Crucial Conversations. Good for organizational leadership and performance. Works well when there is a power dynamic and leadership teams. Would feel more formulaic for interpersonal relationships.
- For interpersonal conversations try Difficult Conversations. Rooted in negotiation and conflict resolution. Good for all interpersonal disputes. Works well for more egalitarian and relational conversations. Would underplay performance-oriented issues.
- For idealogical conversations try Impossible Conversations. Based in epistemology, focusing on deeply entrenched ideological conflicts. Works well in polarized settings where debate is occurring. Would feel too “debate-oriented” for personal conflicts. Not for organizational performance.
Conclusion:
All three books serve as valuable resources for facilitating dialogue across a range of pastoral contexts. Each book offers a robust framework that addresses the complexities of communication, each valuable for pastoral leaders navigating challenging conversations. Despite differences in approach, the convergence of these three books highlights their collective relevance to situations involving workplace dynamics, interpersonal relationships, and engagement with contentious topics like theology, politics, race, and sexuality. These resources contribute meaningfully to the development leaders who are capable of facilitating difficult conversations in high-stakes environments.
Finally, I would suggest that reading these resources is not enough. In order to improve, one has to practice these conversations in various contexts and engage in a process of learning.
[1] Peter G. Boghossian and James Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, First Hachette Go edition (New York: Hachette Books, 2020), 2.
[2] Kerry Patterson, ed., Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (McGraw-Hill, 2002).
[3] Douglas Stone et al., Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most: [Updated with Answers to the 10 Most Frequently Asked Questions about Difficult Conversation], [Second edition], 10. anniversary edition (with a new preface and chapter), Penguin Book Psychology/Business (Penguin Books, 2010).
[4] Patterson, Crucial Conversations, 34.
[5] Stone et al., Difficult Conversations. Chapter 2.
[6] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, 35.
[7] Patterson, Crucial Conversations, 66.
[8] Stone et al., Difficult Conversations.Chapter 9.
[9] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, 22.
[10] Patterson, Crucial Conversations, 117.
[11] Stone et al., Difficult Conversations. Chapter 1.
[12] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, 59.
[13] Patterson, Crucial Conversations. Chapter 6.
[14] Stone et al., Difficult Conversations. Chapter 5.
[15] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, 121.
[16] Patterson, Crucial Conversations. Chapter 8.
[17] Stone et al., Difficult Conversations. Chapter 8.
[18] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, 9.
About the Author
Graham English
I was born in Cape Town, South Africa 30 minutes from Table Mountain, the Indian Ocean and the Atlantic Ocean. My family immigrated to Vancouver, Canada where I spent my teen years, met Wendy, and got married. We now live on the Canadian prairies in northern Alberta. I think God has a sense of humour. I'm a follower of Jesus, work in leadership and church development, love my family and walk a lot.10 responses to “Difficult, Crucial and Impossible Conversations”
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Thanks Graham this is super helpful. You mention the need to practice these lessons from each text. What sort of role play or practice scenarios would be helpful as a way to train emerging leaders?
Ryan, I was thinking about the idea of “Templating” from the work of Eve Poole in leadersmithing.
Perhaps setting leaders up with a difficult work situation and have them role play that. As well, we could pick some of the “thorny” issues we’re dealing with and provide people with a roleplay around those using the principles from Impossible Conversations.
Hey Graham! Best wishes as you facilitate. I have a feeling you are the right man for the job. You referenced, “Difficult Conversations: Don’t vent but name your emotions in the conversation. Acknowledge emotions without letting them hijack you. “I feel defensive after hearing that but I want to understand.”
What has been your experience in this context as you navigate people who are passionate and emotional?
How would you grade yourself in handling emotional conversations?
Daren, I said to a colleague the other day that every conversation we have seems like a crucial, difficult, or impossible conversation.
I think that I have learned a lot. The work of Friedman, of being a non-anxious presence, has been particularly helpful. I also found the work of William Ury in Getting To Yes to be helpful. One of his concepts is what he calls “going to the balcony”. Essentially, it’s the ability to get perspective of the conversation, to look down on it from “the balcony”, while it’s happening.
These concepts and ideas have helped me grow but I still have to do a lot of self-management.
Hi Graham,
Yesterday, I attended an event for female clergy, and as you can imagine, there were many topics that became energetic very quickly. In your experience, which types of tough conversations tend to be most challenging for young/emerging church leaders?
Jennifer, I love the use of the word “energetic”. It made me laugh.
In terms of our leadership conversations, there are so many things, but the predominant ones are around women serving as leaders/elders in the church and the cultural hot button issues.
Graham,
In light of this question, are there topics that are simply best to avoid or stay away from for a time being? Or do you think it best to tackle whatever issues are there?
Great blog mapping out the three different resources in a very practical way for yourself.
Hi Graham, Thanks for mentioning the 2 books that you referenced. I plan to add them to my library. I like that you are focusing on newer leaders, however, have you also noticed that some older leaders/pastors, etc also struggle to have productive critical conversations. I am seeing it more in my work lately. It is interesting to see someone taken aback when a conversation ends when she doesn’t convince everyone she is right, but we discuss the value of being heard respectfully and the value of letting what has been discussed percolate before jumping into remedies. In my world, I think people really want a quick fix. Is that something you see as well?
Graham, Thank you for this clear post and insight into your work. Can you say more about how to have difficult “ideologue” conversations when both parties claim the moral high ground in their identity as Jesus-followers and their basis of knowledge as the Bible?
See you soon, Julie
Good evening, Mr. Graham, thank you for the very informative post, I am learning a lot from it. Thank you for sharing those two other books that adds value to what we are learning this week as well. I will have to read them and add them to my library. And of course, I will seek to learn more. Thank you again, Mr. Graham.