Delighting in Whip Cream
For years I have prayed about increasing my joy. I have understood for a while that joy is certainly more than happiness but that it is a deep contentment that we might find in the Lord. During times of suffering, joy can be hard to find. Yet it is a choice we can make. When we lived in Kenya, we chose joy over giving in to the amount of suffering and persecution we faced. I understand the benefits of choosing joy and I believe in how powerful it is.
Even still, today is hard to find joy. Just this morning, I took our dog, Parmesan, to the vet to be put down. He was not even three yet. But, over the weekend he started to have multiple seizures and they never relented. After the second night in a row of severely interrupted sleep, and cleaning countless biohazard messes, we made the decision to end the trauma that these seizures were imposing on the whole family. It is hard to find joy in that. With all my children and my wife crying this morning, I took the dog to the vet. I want to lead them in joy, but how?
In this week’s book, a pastor and psychologist team up to write about RARE leadership. The central thesis is, “that ‘rare leadership’ is the fruit of four uncommon habits related to emotional intelligence. These are 1) remain relational, 2) act like yourself, 3) return to joy, and 4) endure hardship.”[1] How do I lead our family and exhibit rare leadership during this challenging time. This is not the only issue our family is facing but it is the issue of the day.
I have chosen to remain relational. We put our kids’ emotions and relationships as a priority today. I woke each of them up and shared the sad news and sat with them while giving them hugs as they cried. We decided to give them space to grieve and told all of them that they could stay home from school for the day so that the family could spent time together. Today, relationships were placed higher than their school workloads.
I chose to act like myself. I let my emotions be true to what they are. Parmesan and I got along just fine but I never wanted a dog. Even still, I demonstrated true emotions of seeing him suffer and seeing all our kids sad. I certainly did not want to take him to the vet this morning and was up half of the night with him as he seized. I did my best to do what Warner and Wilder recommend when they state, “RARE leaders meet people where they are emotionally.”[2] Today, I met my kids tears with tears of my own.
The fourth habit is enduring hardship. Well, our family has gone through a hard time or two and we will navigate this. It is not fun, but we can manage.
It is the third habit of returning to joy that I struggle with today. “Shared joy is perhaps the most powerful relational experience that exists. Joy is always relational and the more that it is shared, the more it multiplies and amplifies other good emotions.”[3] In another book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality the author encourages leading from a healthy place and to take joy in what we do. Peter Scazzero writes, “On Sabbaths we are called to enjoy and delight in creation and its gifts.”[4] As mentioned a few weeks ago in the discussion on The Anxious Generation, we have been trying to implement a sabbath routine. It is hard to get into the routine, but I am realizing that we can choose to make this day more of a sabbath. Our kids are already going to be staying home from school.
My son seems to be having a hard time emotionally today. In fact, as I have been writing this, he has been blaming me for our dog’s death. I took the dog to the vet. I must have wanted him to die, and it is my fault Parmesan is no longer with us. I realize that his emotions have taken over and he is not coming to terms with reality. But as I reflect on how I want to respond to him I think of Simon Walker and being undefended. He writes, “Only the person who is secure against the loss of all these things can be truly undefended, truly free. The secret of effective leadership is the freedom to live the undefended life.”[5] I realize that choosing to respond as an undefended leader of my household right now is a path towards joy. For I also realize that if I respond to my son in this very moment out of a defended posture there is no hope for joy and no hope for peace on this sabbath day.
A few weeks ago, on Valentines Day we also had some real struggles as a family. In that moment, we returned to joy by taking advantage of the snowstorm and going sledding with our whole family at bedtime instead of going to bed on time and being frustrated with each other. We returned to joy by sledding down a hill in the dark making lots of memories. Warner and Wilder state, “Building a group identity based on joy is the optimal path for leadership.”[6]
Joy can still be elusive and hard to find. It takes work. Can we find joy in the moment today while grieving the loss of the family dog?
I picked up a bunch of stuff on my way home to make ice cream sundaes. It is simple but it is fun, and it is out of the ordinary.
Tonight, we return to joy by delighting in whip cream with a cherry on top.
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[1] Marcus Warner and E. James Wilder, Rare Leadership: 4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2016), 8.
[2] Warner and Wilder, 171.
[3] Warner and Wilder, 132.
[4] Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Updated (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017), 157.
[5] Simon Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are, The Undefended Leader Trilogy 1 (Carlisle, UK: Piquant Editions Ltd., 2007), 102.
[6] Warner and Wilder, 65.
About the Author
Adam Cheney
I grew up in California, spent five years living along the beautiful coast of Kenya and now find myself working with refugees in the snow crusted tundra of Minnesota. My wife and I have seven children, four of whom have been adopted. I spend my time drinking lots of coffee, working in my garden, and baking sourdough bread.15 responses to “Delighting in Whip Cream”
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Adam, thanks for sharing your journey. Sorry for the loss of your dog. That is rough.
What I love about your blog is the real life example you shared to interact with the principles in the book.
After my dad died we chose to take a break from funeral prep and take a sabbath with our daughter and grandson. It was a great way to return to some joy in the midst of grief.
As you think about helping the group return to joy, what do you find most encouraging and most challenging?
Graham,
Well, the most challenging right now is everyone wants to go out and get another dog this week to replace our dog. I don’t think this is wise and we are also trying to sell our home still so I certainly don’t want to be training a puppy in the midst of that. What is is encouraging is that my wife spent some time talking with my son and helping him understand that it is not right to blame me for the dog’s death.
Adam,
Beautiful picture of Parmesan, I too am sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing you journey. I see your son exhibiting the stages of grief – Anger; unfortunately, you are the target of the anger, but you realize it and allow him to express it. Great job! It is also great that you saw this moment as being more important than forcing your kids to go to school. The ice cream sounds wonderful as does sledding in the dark. I think of joy as being a fruit of the spirit that tends to manifest itself when we experience closeness to God. Besides tending to your flowers that you mentioned a few weeks ago, what other moments or activities do you experience that enables you to sense God’s majesty and brings joy to your life?
Jeff,
I love to get outside and go for a walk. I am heading out this morning after a fresh snowfall yesterday for a good walk. It is beautiful outside right now and I take joy in being out in nature.
Hi Adam, Thank you for your vulnerability in your post. As I look at your profile and read your blog I thought, I wonder if baking sour dough bread gives you a quiet joy. Sometimes I think that the traditions circling a funeral for people is remembering what brought joy through stories and laughter. I wonder if your family might want to share puppy stories?
Diane,
Yes. Baking sourdough certainly gives me a quiet joy. It is simplistic and tasty.
While we had ice cream sundaes our youngest daughter actually suggested that we all tell stories of Parmesan. We have done this at other times but it was her idea to do it this week. So, we must be teaching her something.
Hey Adam. Thanks for your post. So sorry for your loss. I appreciate the tension you are wrestling with and the definition of joy that can be hard to find or experience in times of grief and loss. I admire the resilience you are modeling with your kids and that this hardship is bringing you closer together, rather than you allowing it to isolate or drift you apart as a family. There is a beauty and a joy in that trajectory. I think of Psalm 46 and the invitation to be still and know that He is God in the midst of a scene of destruction unfolding around them. (This psalm was probably written after God protected Jehosophat in 2 Chronicles 20). May your Sabbath bring peace, trust and a deep abiding presence of Jesus, who is close to the broken hearted.
Thanks friend.
Adam, sorry for your loss. Demonstrating such strong example is tough. How do you practically manage emotional reactivity as a DAD (leadership situations)?
Shela,
I am not too emotional of a person in general. Though out in public I am even more steadfast and a bit more emotional at home. Even still, I’m not that emotionally driven. Coffee driven for sure! I do try to be the peace in our home that I want us to have. I am certainly not always good at this.
Hi Adam, I echo everyone’s sentiments and am deeply sorry that you and your family had to experience the loss of Parmesan this week. As I read your blog, I was reminded of last week’s discussion on Wicked Problems and the concept of “going meta”—pausing when things aren’t working, reflecting on the process, and approaching them differently. You embody this so well. Your thoughtful and intentional way of engaging with people and your family always inspires me when I read your posts.
I was especially intrigued by your mention of sharing a Parmesan story with your family—I saw this in your response to Diane. I’d love to hear which story you chose to share.
Elysse,
The story I shared with the kids was that I loved how Parmesan would always lay at my feet when I was in my office working. Pretty much every zoom meeting he was lying there at my feet. When the kids are all home, he would position himself by the living room, stairs, and kitchen so that he could keep an eye on people who were in different rooms.
I’m sorry, Adam, for the loss of Parmesan. I recently watched a show about the development of AI and, in particular, robot dogs. Much in the same way that Eve Poole talks about watching her children play in the sand, she wondered to herself how long will it be before children are replaced with robots who don’t need to play in the sand.
By the same token, I wonder how long it will be before households have robot dogs who don’t require potty training or dog treats or don’t offer the teachings of empathy and compassion when they are ill.
There is no question this time, but thinking what a precious moment you shared with your family to teach that nothing is permanent. You modeled how to love by how you grieved, which is such an important lesson in itself. Blessings to you and your family.
Thanks friend. Robot dogs would be weird. I just want a real dog that doesn’t wake me up by barking…
Adam, thank you for sharing about the challenge of returning to joy in the midst of grief and how you are intentionally leading your family through this difficult moment. What has surprised you the most about the process as you navigate this balance between sorrow and joy? Have any unexpected moments of joy emerged naturally, rather than being intentionally created?