Confessions of a Drama Mama
I was a drama mama.
For five years, during our daughter’s first year in high school, and all four of our younger son’s years, I was backstage for the two major productions each year.
I confess that I was at least partly living out my own unrealized teenage dreams of being in a play, experiencing the camaraderie, excitement, and adrenaline rush of performance and performance preparations. I was (and still am) a musician, so my teenage schedule was already full enough; I didn’t have time for our high school plays, except to be in the pit orchestra for the spring musical.
As a drama mama, I helped wherever I could during the last frenetic week of rehearsals before the big stage productions. Most often I was assigned to do the boys’ makeup.
This was an unexpectedly intimate experience. I had to quite literally get into each boy’s face, touch his skin, and often say, “Look me in the eyes. Let me see how it looks.”
“Marius” getting makeup for “Les Mis”.
There were one or two other moms who also did boys’ makeup. Each boy had a favorite mom; someone he trusted with such intimacy. These were teens, remember! (I didn’t get to apply my son, Christian’s make-up. The photo is of him getting ready to play Marius in “Les Mis” in 2014. Because he was a lead, he had a more accomplished makeup artist than me. 😉 )
I thought of all this as I read about frontstage and backstage in Simon Walker’s book, Leading Out of Who You Are. Walker states,
“…all our strategies are to do with self-presentation, or impression management.’ Impression management is the selective revealing or concealing of our personal story in order to secure the response we need from our audience… the reality of the two stages is that the central experience for the leader is of living two lives: a public life frontstage and a private life backstage.” [1]
Walker also explains attachment theory and the ego, and uses a unique way of labeling the different attachment profiles (Shaping, Defining, Adapting, Defending), which is helpful for his presentation, though it is slightly different from labels used by attachment experts like Dan Siegel (secure, avoidant, ambivalent/anxious, and disorganized).
Some of the key points to know about attachment involve feeling safe, secure, and relaxed so the authentic self can step forward. Dan Siegel explains,
“Secure attachment involves both the differentiation of child from parent and the empathic and attuned communication between the two. Suboptimal attachment in the form of various facets of insecurity involves impediments to this differentiation and linkage… When such impairments have occurred, the child is left with a compromised regulatory system, because self-regulation depends upon neural integration. In insecure attachment, learning to be a fully present self-in-relationship has not been a capacity acquired on a regular basis. Instead, various understandable adaptive mechanisms may have been acquired…” [2]
We’ll come back to that “self-in-relationship” in a moment.
A greater understanding of Self – that is, greater self-awareness and self-knowledge – is necessary to recognize the difference between the authentic self and the inauthentic or false self. Richard Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) defines the Self as, “an essence of calm, clarity, compassion, and connectedness.” [3] He adds, “I can say with certainty that the Self is in everybody. Furthermore, the Self cannot be damaged, the Self doesn’t have to develop, and the Self possess its own wisdom about how to heal internal as well as external relationships.” [4]
I applied these ideas immediately, while I was still reading Walker’s book.
I met with my coaching client this week, “Will”. He’s not in what most people would call “leadership positions,” but he sees me because he struggles with confidence and calmness in most relationships. In other words, his frontstage.
I brought the idea of a frontstage and backstage to Will. I explained that the backstage is where we learn to feel safe, secure, and relaxed. It’s where we can be our authentic Self. Backstage we can take sabbath time; practice somatic calmness over and over so we can call it up in times of stress; learn more about Self; and engage in safe, intimate relationships, as I did in my role as makeup artist for the boys. That’s what the backstage is for, as Walker reminds us. We need to have that time out of the public eye that keeps us connected to who God created us to be.
As I explained this to Will, he understood the difference immediately. In answer to my question, he identified that he spends most of his time backstage; and when he is frontstage, he struggles with reacting instead of responding. So we talked about some ways he can practice calmness and connectedness backstage so he can gain confidence to be his calm, thoughtful true Self even when he’s in public. It will help him advocate for his own needs and build more beautiful relationships. And that’s just it; we are only self-aware in relation to other human beings Ray Anderson writes,
“The core of the self is not grounded in individual self-consciousness but in openness of being toward the other… The self becomes ‘singular’ in relation with other persons. In other words, our individuality is derived out of relationship. Rather than losing our identity in a relationship, we are meant to discover it and have it affirmed,” [5]
As Christians, we believe that the Self is led by the Holy Spirit: “I will ask the Father and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth… You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you” (John 14:16-17). Christian IFS therapists Alison Cook and Kimberly Miller write,
“You can play an active role in connecting the troubled parts of yourself to the Holy Spirit who dwells inside of you… in partnership with God you can befriend and lead the unruly parts of your soul into an abundant life (John 10:10)… God as given you agency. He invites you to participate in the work he is doing in your life. Your task is to trust neither your thoughts nor your feelings, but to lead them in step with God’s Spirit. As you do, you can turn the most challenging parts of your soul into your gretatest allies.” [6]
Bar scene in “Les Mis”.
It is necessary to embrace both our frontstage and backstage selves. We need moments offstage to connect with our authentic Self, to find calmness, and to nurture our relationships in healthy ways. By understanding and honoring our backstage, where we can be true to who God created us to be, we can cultivate confidence, advocate for our needs, and be prepared by the Holy Spirit to build meaningful connections in the spotlight on the frontstage.
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1 – Simon P. Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are; Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership. The Undefended Leader, 1 (Carlisle, UK: Piquant Editions, 2007), 26-27.
2 – Daniel J. Siegel, The Developing Mind; How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (New York: The Guilford Press, 2020), 433.
3 – Richard C. Schwartz, No Bad Parts; Healing Traua & Restoring Wholeness with The Internal Family Systems Model (Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True, 2021), 1.
4 – Schwartz, 22-23.
5 – Ray S. Anderson, Self Care; A Theology of Personal Empowerment & Spiritual Healing (Eugene, OR: WIPF & Stock, 2010), 26.
6 – Alison Cook, Kimberly Miller, Boundaries for Your Soul; How to Turn Your Overwhelming Thoughts and Feelings into Your Greatest Allies (Nashville, TN: Nelson Books, 2018), 23.
About the Author
Debbie Owen
Deborah C. Owen is an experienced spiritual director, Neuro-based Enneagram executive and life coach, disciple maker, professional writer, senior librarian, and long-time church Music Director and lay leader. She has earned the award of National Board Certification for teaching excellence, and a podcasting award, and is pursuing a Doctor of Leadership degree through Portland Seminary at George Fox University. She lives in the backwoods of Maine with her husband and flat-coated retriever. She spends as much time as she can with their 3 grown children, daughter-in-law, and 2 small grandchildren. Find her online at InsideOutMinistries.info.11 responses to “Confessions of a Drama Mama”
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Thanks for your post Debbie. I can tell that you’ve thought deeply about these things. You mentioned a couple of times this idea of ‘finding calmness’ or ‘somatic calming’. How do you coach that for people who are struggling to be a non anxious presence either front stage or back stage?
Ryan, somatic calmness involves the body. God created us to love him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Strength is loving God with our bodies.
God also created our bodies to respond to our thoughts… and our thoughts to respond to our bodies. It’s fascinating, actually. My thoughts can change my body chemistry, but my body chemistry (am I suddenly on high alert? Or am I practicing deep, slow breaths?) can also change my thoughts and behaviors.
So I practice breath techniques with my clients and directees, as appropriate. If we want to put on a new mind, the body is the best place to start. 🙂
Debbie,
Love the high school dramas, my youngest two kids have been involved in their school’s dramas and it’s been neat to watch out front and also be back stage. This somewhat goes along with Ryan’s question. In this world of go, go go, how do you coach people to take time back stage so that they can really connect themselves to who God created them to be?
Jeff, as I just shared with Ryan, our body chemistry affects our thoughts, which affects our behaviors. When we practice slow, intentional breathing techniques, it calms our minds. When someone becomes “expert” at calming themself in private, it becomes much easier to tap into that same calm even under high stress environments.
Hi Debbie, I like your example of Will using the back stage to to take a sabbath or practice something that might be needed in the front stage. Have you ever had someone who became too afraid to leave the back stage and if so how did you coach them forward?
Well Diane, we’ll see with Will. 😉 I told him my goal is to help him practice being his true self in a calm, collected manner, in private. So when he is “out on stage”, in the public eye, he will have tools he can tap into to maintain his composure AND be able to advocate for himself.
Debbie, thanks for your post. I also found the “backstage/fronstage” metaphor helpful. I appreciate how to have integrated this with some of your other learning and your coaching practice. I have found that many pastoral leaders live predominantly on the front stage even when they don’t really want to be there. Some thrive but many go there reluctantly. You have identified practices such as sabbath etc. that are helpful backstage practices. How might these still be practiced in community with others, rather than simply in private?
Great question Graham. I think it depends on the person’s situation. Will really needs to focus on himself right now because he doesn’t yet have any trustworthy relationships.
I can see where someone like a pastor absolutely needs a cohort – 1 or 2 or 3 like-minded, committed people – with whom they can be open, honest, and vulnerable. There are MANY studies that demonstrate the only way we can grow as human beings is to have that kind of community. The writings of Curt Thompson are all about what he calls confessional communities. Transformation takes place, by the power of the Holy Spirit, when all the ugliness we want to hide is out in the open in a safe place.
And that’s the key. We all need to feel safe and secure first. So those environments have to exist before community can be therapeutic.
Debbie, thank you for your post. You brought some new authors into the conversation with whom I have not interacted until now. You brought up an idea from Dan Siegel about the “Authentic Self” vs. “Inauthentic Self.” Suggesting further that the Authentic self is basically unaffected. Walker spoke about the shaping of the ego in childhood, which has a huge impact on the nature of the front and backstage life of a leader. With your greater awareness of Siegel’s work, how do you see those two concepts interact?
Great question Chad; I’ll take a stab at it (I know enough to be dangerous, I guess!).
The key to secure attachment is the 4 Ss: being seen, soothed, safe, and secure. Small children need to know they are all of these or they begin to develop insecure attachment (avoidant, ambivalent/anxious, and disorganized).
When children are insecurely attached, they develop a lot of the defended characteristics that Walker talks about. They learn that they aren’t seen or safe, so they avoid attachments to people. Or they are sometimes safe and seen, but sometimes not, so they are constantly trying to gain the attention they feel like they are missing. Or their childhood life was traumatic and they grew up in terrible circumstances. All sorts of issues crop up as the child gets older.
Walker’s definitions describe various insecure attachments (for the most part), but he gives them different names. I’m still sorting out the exact intersections.
Debbie, you mentioned above that you “applied these ideas immediately” in reference to a greater understanding of self. What is something you learned about yourself through Walker’s book?