Building Bridges, Knitting Love
It is still fresh in my memory when I was still in the 3rd grade of junior high school when the senior pastor in our church passed away. He was a man who was so loved by the congregation. A man full of compassion and gentleness. When I was about to attend his funeral service, I told God in my room that I wanted to be a pastor like him. That was my first word to God about what I wanted to be. Previously, as a teenager, I had some ideas about what I wanted to be. However, after saying the words I addressed directly to God, I immediately realized I was a shy teenager when meeting others. I could have improved at talking. Sometimes, I felt very nervous when asked to speak in front of others. That is why, in high school, I had time to “change” my ideals and try as hard as I could to pursue them. However, it seems God had already “already” agreed to my words when I was in junior high school, so I became a pastor until now.
What worries a person when he has to build a conversation with other people? I believe that humans are afraid of being rejected. Feeling accepted and recognized is a human need. That is why many people avoid conversations with others, especially those who are considered to have a very different background and way of thinking. The purpose of Boghossian and Lindsay in writing their book is to guide techniques for communicating effectively with others who have very different beliefs amid a divided and polarized era; many people do not talk to each other, giving rise to a fear of speaking openly and honestly.[1]
My experience of going to school from kindergarten to high school in a public school, where the majority of students are Muslim, I had my concerns when my conversations with friends led to discussions about religion. Maybe I experienced what is called minority complex syndrome. Yes, I experienced bullying related to religious beliefs several times during school. Moreover, it was painful. However, I was able to get through that phase when I was in high school. I felt calmer and more confident when conversations with my friends led to discussions about religion. I applied what Boghossian and Lindsay explained, namely, listening. They write, “People find it deeply satisfying when they are heard, and the rewards you can reap by conscientiously and authentically listening are enormous. If you do not listen, you cannot understand. And if you cannot understand, there is no conversation.”[2] When I listened a lot and let go of my prejudices, I comprehended that my friends were curious about what I believed and did in Christianity.
Endless debates can occur in a conversation when each party with different views or radical beliefs already has a priori about the other party. That is why the authors remind us about the importance of throwing away all negative assumptions about the other party. They insist, “When you encounter a person with radically different beliefs, you might think they’re ignorant, crazy, or malicious. Resist this inclination and instead consider that they view issues from a different perspective or that they’re acting upon what they think is the best available information.[3]” Good conversations avoid focusing on unimportant things. The authors explain that, for beginners, there are nine steps to changing their minds. Of the nine steps, there is one most crucial step, namely focusing on epistemology, which can help the conversation focus on the topic rather than on unnecessary things. They assert, “Once you have a thorough understanding of why someone believes what they do, you can offer targeted questions that sever the link between their conclusion (the soul weighs seven pounds) and how they claim to know their conclusion.[4]”
Conversations between two parties with very different beliefs are sensitive and prone to conflict. If we are not careful, it can cause chaos and even the threat of punishment for being considered blasphemous to other beliefs. Therefore, the authors then provide very valuable tips. They explain, “When a conversation centers on race, gender, or any other divisive marker in identity politics, people can become defensive and tempers can flare. If you find the conversation getting heated or stuck, shift the focus to superordinate identity markers instead. Rather than dividing, these unify people. Superordinate identity markers go “up” and include commonalities among people, not down to identity features of certain groups (black skin, particular sex organs, etc.).”[5]
Building communication and conversation with those who have radical differences with us is challenging. In our context, where Christianity is only 10% of the total population, encountering people of different religions is common daily. However, in encountering and building constructive relationships, what is very significant is the sincerity and love of Christ that is in us that we can share through our conversations with them. Instead of distancing ourselves from them, we must build constructive relationships for the good of all parties. In the book Jesus and The Powers, Wright and Bird wrote, “Christians in a pluralistic and multicultural setting need to find unity in diversity, practice hospitality as a political discipline, and build for the kingdom by contributing to the common good of all.”[6] In a heterogeneous context, the opportunity to express Christ’s love to the world becomes great. Therefore, every Christian leader needs to build awareness and improve communication skills with anyone, even those radically different beliefs. Our model is the Triune God, who is willing to embrace and develop communication with His creation, as explained by Moltmann in the book The Trinity and The Kingdom. He writes, “From eternity God has desired not only himself but the world too, for he did not merely want to communicate himself to himself; he wanted to communicate himself to the one who is other than himself as well.”[7] Let us build a bridge of love across the chasm of differences and embrace those who are different.
[1] Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide (New York: Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2019), chapter 1.
[2] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, chapter 1.
[3] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, chapter 1.
[4] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, chapter 5.
[5] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, chapter 7.
[6] N.T. Wright and Michael F. Bird, Jesus and the Powers: Christian Political Witness in an Age of Totalitarian Terror and Dysfunctional Democracies (London: SPCK Publishing, 2024), 170.
[7] Jürgen Moltmann, The Trinity and the Kingdom: The Doctrine of God, trans. Margaret Kohl (Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1993), 108.
About the Author
Dinka Utomo
Dinka Nehemia Utomo is an ordained pastor of the Protestant Church in the Western part of Indonesia (Gereja Protestan di Indonesia bagian Barat or GPIB). He has served for more than 15 years. The first five years of his ministry were in the remote area of East Kalimantan, including people from the indigenous Dayak tribe in the small villages in the middle of the forest, frequently reached using small boats down the river. For more than 15 years, Dinka has served several GPIB congregations in several cities in Indonesia. He has always had a passion for equipping Christian families, teaching and guiding them to build equal relations between husband and wife, maintaining commitment, love, and loyalty, creating a healthy and constructive Christian family atmosphere, and rejecting all forms of violence and sexual violence. Dinka's beloved wife, Verra, is also a GPIB pastor. They have two blessed children. Dinka and his wife and children love to spend quality family time, such as lunch or dinner, and vacation to exotic places.7 responses to “Building Bridges, Knitting Love”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Hi Dinka,
I appreciate the clarity of this statement, “I believe that humans are afraid of being rejected. Feeling accepted and recognized is a human need.” I have been having lots of conversations with my Asian friends about what the word “safe” means in personal relationships and what makes. a conversation safe for them. They often say they fear rejection and retribution. They want to feel accepted and free to speak. How would you define safe in terms of relationships and conversations? Very nice post!!
Hi Jenny,
Thank you for your responses and comments, especially your very brilliant question. I appreciate it. In my understanding, “safe” in conversation and relationships means everyone is free to be themselves. They do not need to pretend to be someone different to please others, although being themselves does not need to hurt other people’s feelings. The second is the feeling that they are accepted and recognized for their dignity as human beings regardless of their social and economic status. There is equality in conversation and relationships. Third, encounters in conversation and relationships maintain long-term positive and constructive connections. All parties feel valuable benefits in the conversation and relationship.
Hi Dinka, Thank you for answering my question. I really appreciate your answer and it aligns with what others have shared with me. For my project, I’m wondering how well the concept and word safe translate in other languages. May I ask for your feedback on that later on?
Hi Jenny,
Of course, you may. I would love it.
Hey Dinka. You said, “Maybe I experienced what is called minority complex syndrome.” Hey did this shape you as an adult?
Hi Todd,
I believe that, in some extent, that syndrome has played a role in shaping me as an adult. However, I have also learn how to minimize its influence so that it does not dominate my life. Thanks for asking. I appreciate it.
Blessings.
Dinka,
In reading your post, I was struck by your writing here:
“People find it deeply satisfying when they are heard, and the rewards you can reap by conscientiously and authentically listening are enormous. If you do not listen, you cannot understand. And if you cannot understand, there is no conversation.”[2] When I listened a lot and let go of my prejudices, I comprehended that my friends were curious about what I believed and did in Christianity.”
What I am wrestling with the book’s premise is exactly what you highlight here. Is the fight to understand another person? Or is the fight to change a person’s mind? If a criminal holding immoral beliefs, values and attitudes has a change of mind because of prison, then it seems they had enough mirroring, understanding and listening take place for reform. Perhaps what I am reading in your post is if two people disagree morally, spiritually, etc, if true understanding of the other takes root, minds are open to consider another perspective. Thank you for writing a thoughtful post!