Build Bridges, Not Battles: It’s Really Not Impossible!
A few months ago, I found myself in a friendly debate with a friend about a controversial topic. Honestly, I don’t fully recall where I was trying to go with my sentiment; I just knew that I was losing my footing. My speech sped up, my responses became choppier, and before I knew it, I was talking way too fast, trying to sound smarter than I felt.
Eventually, I shut down, exhausted and frustrated at myself. Why did I struggle to express my opinion? Why did I rush to speak instead of slowing down and listening? Why did I feel so competitive?
The timing of this week’s reading, How to Have Impossible Conversations by Peter Boghossian, couldn’t be more perfect. It is full of practical ideas and scenarios; however, one idea really spoke to me: If I want to be effective, I don’t need to have the perfect argument. I need to be the kind of person someone wants to keep talking to.
The lessons in the book correlate with other topics I have been following this past year about how people learn. I especially like the Socratic method because it encourages curiosity and questioning more than offering statements.[1] When I am at my best, I remember to ask more questions and talk less. Slowly, I am becoming comfortable saying “I don’t know.” And weirdly enough, that seems to somehow make me sound more credible, not less.
Chapter two in Boghossian’s book calls the “Seven fundamentals of good conversations the perfect way to converse with anyone, from strangers to prison inmates.”[2] Ah, given my prison ministry work, he must be talking to me! The list of fundamentals is a bit more complex than Stop, Drop, and Roll, but the intent is almost the same – to keep you out of the fire!
In the book, Boghossian advises knowing your goals before you even start talking. Approach the conversation as a sort of partnership; be kind, not rude. In true Socratic style, ask questions to develop a rapport, and then listen more than you chat. Don’t shoot the messenger with preachy declarations, but rather assume the best intentions of others. And finally, when the going gets tough, walk away.[3]
In my prison ministry work, I have seen these principles bear fruit firsthand. At the root is trust. In that environment, authenticity matters, and any hint of false pretense or performance is recognized immediately as manipulation. But when I take it at a slower pace, ask genuine questions about them, and listen without rushing to respond, the tone of the room shifts. A resident once told me that what she valued most was simply being asked, “How are you holding up today?” That small act of kindness and genuine curiosity about HER life carried more weight than any lesson or devotion I could have delivered. Conversations in prison remind me that people open up not because I have all the right words to say, but because they feel heard, respected, and treated with dignity.
Edgar and Peter Schein, in Humble Leadership, define this as a “Level 2 relationship,” a shift from transactional exchanges (Level 1) to an authentic, person-to-person connection. In that space, it’s not my role or expertise that matters most, but rather the ministry of presence, to listen and risk a bit of vulnerability. That kind of humility, whether in prison or anywhere else, creates conditions for trust and transformation.
Outside of prison walls, the same values hold true. However, quite the opposite – by today’s standards, our culture rewards speed, certainty, and clever comebacks, especially on social media. The louder or quicker the response, the more attention it gets. But does anyone ever really change their mind in response to a speedy dialogue? That approach reminds me of the dreaded high-pressure, fast-talking used car salesman trying to pull one over. Yuck!
The Scheins warn that “Leaders who celebrate authority, titles, or expertise often end up isolated and ineffective.”[4] However, humble leaders build credibility by being open and honest even when it means admitting faults or saying, “I don’t know.” Boghossian and Schein agree that influence doesn’t come from having the strongest argument, but from cultivating relationships strong enough to weather disagreement.
Boghossian reminds us that “Meaningful conversations are not about proving a point but about preserving relationships.”[5] When you slow down long enough to be curious and ask thoughtful questions, you actually hold greater power as a bridge builder. If families, neighbors, and ordinary citizens practiced more humility and genuine interest in others, conversations might not be as impossible as they seem. Ultimately, both books convey the same message. Our words have less impact than the way we conduct ourselves in conversation. A humble posture that is curious, patient, and relational is the soil where genuine understanding can grow.
[1]Christensen, C. Roland, David A. Garvin, and Ann Sweet, eds. Education for Judgment: The Artistry of Discussion Leadership. Boston, Mass: Harvard Business School Press, 1991.
[2] Boghossian, Peter, and James A. Lindsay. How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide. First edition. New York: Lifelong Books, 2020. P.9.
[3] Ibid P.9
[4] Schein, Edgar H., and Peter A. Schein. Humble Leadership, Second Edition: The Power of Relationships, Openness, and Trust. Second Edition. Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2023.
[5] Ibid. P. 33
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