Beyond Debate Toward Understanding
Engaging with beliefs that differ greatly from my own is difficult. I vividly recall my first encounters with individuals of a different faith—the debates left me frustrated, and I often replayed them in my head, searching for weaknesses to prepare for next time. Now, as a Christian in a predominantly different-faith environment, I have learned that my role is not to destroy others’ beliefs, but to engage them where they are. This approach allows me to understand their perspectives—and more often than not, I discover that they are struggling, searching, or even completely lost. I must care enough to move beyond rehearsed responses and reach the heart of the person—an approach that cultivates empathy and guides my prayers. This, of course, is the best-case scenario. Not every conversation goes well; I’ve had debates that ended in frustration and resignation. Still, that is not where I want to remain.
When approached thoughtfully, conversations across different beliefs can move past conflict and create understanding and relational depth. This is central to Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay’s message in How to Have Impossible Conversations: discussions that seem impossible can succeed when handled with skill and intentionality.[1] The authors emphasize that mastery comes with practice: “All expertise is built upon fundamentals,”[2] progressing from basic skills to advanced techniques. Rather than detailing every principle, I want to focus on the mindset the authors advocate: a partnership mindset. They write, “Most basic elements of civil discussion…come down to a single theme: making the other person…a partner, not an adversary.”[3] This requires a conscious shift in posture—setting aside the need to win and instead leaning into the desire to understand.”[4]
This perspective of partnership aligns closely with Schein and Schein’s concept of the whole-person, personized relationship—also known as a Level 2 relationship—a type of connection they argue can propel us toward something new and better. A Level 2 relationship is one in which participants find “mutual or collective interest such that information, social context, challenge, and opportunity are shared and acted upon together.”[5] They continue, “… the parties know each other well enough to have built an open, trusting, collaborative connection with each other.”[6] Shifting our goal to understanding puts this principle into practice: it replaces competition with trust and shared insight.
I have found this especially true in faith conversations. I recently sat down with a friend whose beliefs about Jesus differ significantly from my own. Because we already share a trusting relationship, I could ask genuine, probing questions, and she responded in kind—not to challenge me, but to understand. Our dialogue moved beyond rehearsed defenses; instead, we exchanged personal experiences, hopes, and concerns. We did not convert each other, but we left with deeper trust and a stronger bond. This experience reminded me that such meaningful dialogue is only possible when situational humility[7] and genuine curiosity about the whole person guide the interaction.
Boghossian and Lindsay remind us that mastering impossible conversations requires persistent effort: “keep practicing, keep talking, keep listening, and keep learning.”[8] Progress is gradual, and we will not always get it right. Yet within these challenges lies an opportunity for growth—both personal and relational. Carol Dweck’s Mindset reinforces this approach, emphasizing the value of perseverance. She writes, “The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it…is the hallmark of the growth mindset.”[9] Dweck further observes, “The growth mindset allows people to value what they’re doing regardless of the outcome,”[10] and adds, “People with a growth mindset are also constantly monitoring what’s going on, but their internal monologue is not about judging themselves and others in this way… but they’re attuned to its implications for learning and constructive action: What can I learn from this? How can I improve? How can I help my partner do this better?”[11]Together, these insights show that both skill and mindset can be cultivated, turning difficult conversations into opportunities for growth and connection.
I do not want to minimize the real challenges and frustrations that arise from impossible conversations, nor naïvely simplify their complexity. As Jonathan Haidt explains in The Righteous Mind, “Each individual reasoner is really good at one thing: finding evidence to support the position he or she already holds, usually for intuitive reasons. We should not expect individuals to produce good, open-minded, truth-seeking reasoning, particularly when self-interest or reputational concerns are in play.”[12] Self-interest and concern for reputation can derail conversations. Focusing on the person—even allowing them to “win”—requires letting go of ego for the sake of understanding and connection. Boghossian and Lindsay write, “Sometimes we are the ideologues. Sometimes we are unwilling to learn. This is a mistake we all make. The opportunity to learn is a conversational ace in the hole that will nearly always let you have a friendly, profitable conversation, no matter the topic.”[13]
Ultimately, “impossible” conversations demand humility, patience, and a growth-oriented mindset. They are a deliberate practice—one in which persistence, empathy, and curiosity can turn even the most difficult encounters into opportunities for deeper trust and genuine understanding.
[1] Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide (New York: Hachette Books, 2019), Kindle edition, 3.
[2] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, Kindle edition, 10.
[3] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, Kindle edition, 10.
[4] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, Kindle edition, 12.
[5] Edgar H. Schein and Peter A. Schein, Humble Leadership: The Power of Relationships, Openness, and Trust (Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2018), Kindle version, 29.
[6] Schein and Schein, Humble Leadership, Kindle version, 21-22.
[7] Schein and Schein define situational humility as “a developed skill characterized by the openness to see and understand all the elements of a situation by: 1. accepting uncertainty, while remaining curious to find out what is really going on, 2. being open, intentionally and mindfully, to what others may know or observe, and 3. recognizing when unconscious biases can distort perceptions and trigger emotional responses.” (Schein and Schein, Humble Leadership, Kindle version, 8.)
[8] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, Kindle edition, 179.
[9] Carol S. Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (New York: Random House, 2006), Kindle edition, 49.
[10] Dweck, Mindset, Kindle, 7.
[11] Dweck, Mindset, Kindle, 49.
[12] Jonathan Haidt, The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion (New York: Vintage Books, 2012), 105.
[13] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, Kindle edition, 65.
About the Author
Elysse Burns
3 responses to “Beyond Debate Toward Understanding”
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Elysse,
I love how you start off this blog post “I have learned that my role is not to destroy others’ beliefs, but to engage them where they are. This approach allows me to understand their perspectives—and more often than not, I discover that they are struggling, searching, or even completely lost. I must care enough to move beyond rehearsed responses and reach the heart of the person—an approach that cultivates empathy and guides my prayers.”
This really shows your heart and your maturity. You even admit to not being where you want.
Knowing what you know now, what is one thing you might tell yourself about the importance of relationships if you could travel back in time to college age Elysse? What kind of impact would that have?
Elysse, I echo Jeff’s sentiment about the way you started the blog. So good!! In your view, what practices help you discern when a conversation is worth continuing for a deeper connection, and when wisdom calls for stepping back?
Hi Elysse. Thank you for this, it is really rich. You mentioned “Ultimately, “impossible” conversations demand humility, patience, and a growth-oriented mindset.” Patience is a critical factor, and I can admit that I have grown in this area; however, I have also been tested in the fire to arrive at this point. At what point do you move from patience to pause/ full stop when dealing with impossible conversations?