Be Differentiated, Even If You Deal With Extremely Emotionally Toxic People
The most significant works in literature transcend space, time, and context. Friedman’s A Failure of Nerve does just that as it nears its completion of four decades in circulation.
Continuing to shape organizational psychology today, Friedman gives foundation thought around leadership, differentiation, emotional triangles, and being a non-anxious presence.
His main idea is on the self-differentiated leader, knowing where I, the leader, ends and the organization begins. A self-differentiated leader understands the power of presence and clearly defines herself with strong emotional intelligence (not a Freidman term), not contributing to the anxiety of the organization but living into clearly understood personal goals.
As the ordained psychologist put it, “Leadership through self-differentiation is not easy; learning techniques and imbibing data are far easier. Nor is striving or achieving success as a leader without pain: there is the pain of isolation, the pain of loneliness, the pain of personal attacks, the pain of losing friends. That’s what leadership is all about.”[1]
Moreover, a differentiated leader can recognize the dysfunction of an organization and the people in it. For example, amid conflict, the differentiated leader understands the distinction between an interpersonal attack and the root cause of the problem. Likewise, in heightened anxiety, the differentiated leader chooses not to add more stress to the situation by being a non-anxious presence, defusing, and asking clarifying questions.
All of this sounds ideal until you are placed in a situation where all you’ve learned must be put into practice. But the work of an emotionally healthy leader is to do the hard work ahead of time to understand the types of situations, personality types, and emotionally charged moments that tend to knock them off their ability to lead well.
I recently coached a staff member through a situation in which they admitted that the person they were dealing with had a personality type that immediately put them on edge and defensive. We walked through how to calm their heart rate, clear their mind, and transcend their interactions at the moment.
However, one of the most unnerving aspects of being a differentiated leader is dealing with clearly undifferentiated people. You are doing your best to fight fair, but they didn’t seem to get the rulebook. I guess the old idiom we learned in preschool still rings true as we age: be kind to others even if they are mean to you. Friedman might say, “Be differentiated, even if you deal with extremely emotionally toxic people.”
I guess Jesus knew what he was asking of us as he called his followers to patience, forbearance, service, and love for those who cross us. Maybe, just maybe, Jesus should be recognized as a world-altering psychologist who understood human behavior and cognition, equipping people to find a better way than the one that leads us into unhealthy conflict and relationships.
Friedman provides leaders with a psychological training guide for understanding themselves and how to become better leaders.
[1] Friedman, Edwin, Margaret M. Treadwell, and Edward W. Beal. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. (New York: Seabury Books, 2007), 247.
About the Author
Andy Hale
Associate Executive Coordinator of CBF North Carolina, CBF Podcast Creator and Host, & Professional Coach12 responses to “Be Differentiated, Even If You Deal With Extremely Emotionally Toxic People”
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Andy, great second post on Friedman! I have to agree as well, Jesus was a world-class psychologist 🙂 questions for you: What support surrounds you that enables you to lead from a place of differentiation? Or do you have to navigate this on your own? I imagine that differentiated leadership without differentiated support/structures to be difficult (and even lead to crucifixion in Jesus’s case). Thoughts?
Michael,
That’s a great question. As a church start pastor in my last vocational setting, I had to learn the hard lesson that my validity as an individual, minister, and leader is not determined by what others think of me, especially difficult parishioners.
Knowing that I am loved and valued by my family, friends, and mentors helps validate my leadership abilities, especially in difficult situations.
Another lesson I had to learn was leaving the church I started. If this truly was never about me and my leadership abilities, then it would exist on its own, whatever form that may take, in my leaving. Easier said than done.
To jump in on this conversation, I wonder if you have had to navigate situations with any elders/board members that were not differentiated and how that looks(ed) different than dealing with congregants. The concept of managing up comes to mind, but I can imagine there are other facets that are in play within a ministry context.
Andy, I’m going to jump in here as well. As a single foreign woman minister in a place where those dynamics just don’t happen, I have learned to be differentiated and stand alone. Plus, being a great distance from my personal support system it has forced me to be at peace. But I, like Kayli am curious about the leading upward. Or when the system is so emmeshed with up leadership triangulation conversations that they undermine any progress in the right direction.
Andy, very practical help for those in a ministry context. You’ve mentioned that you are in a turnaround situation in your current church. I think I remember you saying you’ve done that before as well. Is there a specific dynamic that Friedman explains you’ve encountered in your experience in turnaround churches? Undifferentiated folks surely exist in those settings (and, yes, sometimes undifferentiated pastors too), but I’m curious if you see a recurring trait manifested in that particular context. To me it seems that holding power and control exist no matter how dysfunctional and declining a work might be.
Roy,
Great question. I think differentiation is necessary when implementing change. Of course, leaders run the gauntlet of people’s varied emotional responses to change, which comes in the form of sabotage, blame, grief, white-knuckling, and so much more.
Knowing that what people are expressing to you has less to do with you and more to do with their emotional capacity in the face of change.
Therefore, helping people work through those emotions is far more important than telling them why these changes are important.
Nice summary Andy: There is a lot to think over on Friedman and I am glad we had the chance to re-read the book this semester. Do you coach a lot of your team members on how to handle difficult personalities? The job I am currently in is my first position working at a church and I find personality clashes happen just as frequently in the business world as they do in a ministry setting. Friedman is help to me in understanding how to navigate this dynamic of leadership while working in ministry.
Troy,
As one of my mentors once told me, the church is a refuge for the hurting and the hurtful. Ministers take an emotional and mental beating from people who should know better but think they can do and say whatever they want to us because we are supposed to be pastoral.
As much as I live out pastoral compassion, I have had my fair share of standing up to church bullies because no one else will.
Thanks Andy. Aside from this good example of application, what do you find informative (or not) of Friedman as it relates to your leadership? I am particularly interested as you are so well read and in a different leadership structure than I am in, the church vs. nonprofit.
Eric, Friedman’s work on emotional triangles is fabulous, especially when you can layer it to help others thing beyond just people involved in situations. How do their willpower, desires, wants, needs, and boundaries affect their ability to handle the situation in an emotionally mature way?
I recently dealt with a staff member battling the tension of work he was hired to do versus work he did not want to do. I was pulled into this unhealthy triangle as he projected his anger and frustration onto me as the administrator.
Andy, thank you for this fabulous summary of Friedman’s work. I particularly appreciate your connections between differentiated leadership, emotional intelligence, and clear personal goals. You write: “A self-differentiated leader understands the power of presence and clearly defines herself with strong emotional intelligence (not a Friedman term), not contributing to the anxiety of the organization but living into clearly understood personal goals.” In your current leadership context, what disciplines help you to stay mindful of and best practice this trinity of skills?
Andy, you hint a Eva Poole with this statement, “But the work of an emotionally healthy leader is to do the hard work ahead of time to understand the types of situations, personality types, and emotionally charged moments that tend to knock them off their ability to lead well.” In what ways would you say Poole and Friedman would be contrasted when comparing their application of process?