Bad Choices Make Good Stories … or Do They?
Created in Canva by Nancy Blackman
INTRODUCTION
Chris and I were at Target looking for something, I can’t remember what, and I spotted a t-shirt that had the words, “Bad Choices Make Good Stories.” Knowing that Chris would understand the double entendre, I grabbed it and held it up for him to see. He smiled. “Would you wear it?” I asked. “Yeah, I would.” And he did. Some people would chuckle when they saw it, but some people gave him the deer-in-headlights look, scooting over a bit to give more distance between them and Chris.
That’s what bad judgment can do. “Good judgment is expensive, but poor judgment will cost you a fortune.”[1] The other part of bad judgment is that it affects more than one person. It has a ripple effect on everyone connected to that person, directly and indirectly.
A CONFUSING TIME THAT NEEDED BETTER DECISION-MAKING
When we lived in Los Angeles, we attended a church in downtown LA. It was also located two blocks from Skid Row, so the congregants ranged from the homeless to people who lived in SROs (single-room occupancy) to people who lived in homeless shelters to loft dwellers.
One of the congregants lived in a shelter as he was rebuilding his life. For the sake of anonymity, he will be referred to as Joe. As a church plant, we first started in a small restaurant, then moved to a trendy nightclub, and then to its current location, a historic theater.
When we were at the nightclub, Joe, came over and sat next to me. As we were waiting for church to begin, he leaned in and asked, “Do you think if someone wins money gambling that they need to tithe from the winnings?”
I asked, “Is the “someone” you?”
He paused and answered, “Yes.” I asked because he was on the Finance Team with Chris. My brain was exploding, not sure what to say. So many thoughts raced around in my little brain, such as what answer offers grace, or what this says about his character, or why me?! Lord, why me?!
Shane Parrish, in his book, Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results writes about evaluating options in Chapter 4. I am focusing on this chapter because throughout the entire time that Chris and I were “friends” with Joe, there were different paths that both of us could have taken but didn’t. In other words, when we needed to make proper decisions, I feel we failed. In the end, what started as a question revealed so much more about Joe, his character, and his ability to lie.
THE BACKSTORY
“If you find yourself struggling to determine specific criteria, it’s a sign either that you don’t really understand the problem, or that you don’t understand the general features that criteria are supposed to have.”[2]
As time went by, the three of us shared more time together. Red flags were evident as Joe weaved more tall tales, but I ignored them. Why? I ask myself that all the time.
Eventually, Joe embezzled $20,000 from the church. The ripple effect forced me to pause to reflect on my actions or lack thereof. When a person is challenged with finding criteria, Parrish states it’s because they don’t understand the problem or they “don’t understand the general features that criteria are supposed to have,”[3] which are clarity, goal promotion, and decisiveness.
With respect to those points and this situation, I did not have enough clarity over this person because he was a pathological liar, and I was inexperienced in dealing with someone of this caliber. Obviously, the category of goal promotion for achieving a trusting friendship was not mutual. Lastly, the decisiveness for me to be equal partners in a friendship was not Joe’s goal.
As Parrish explains, when there is ambiguity, people will interpret in the only way they know how. Unfortunately, “their decision-making process becomes a playground for the emotion default.”[4] That statement nails it.
TAKEAWAYS
My critical skills went out the door to preserve a relationship that wasn’t even authentic. There are many lessons to learn from this Othello-like saga, but I am reminded of a statement from a previous book, “The great lesson of this turnaround is that when any relationship system is imaginatively gridlocked, it cannot get free simply through more thinking about the problem. Conceptually stuck systems cannot become unstuck simply by trying harder.”[5] The only thing that can create a breakthrough is for all parties to separate themselves emotionally, which happened anyway because Joe went on the lam once a warrant was placed for his arrest.
It has been about ten years since that situation occurred. One question still lingers: what would I say to Joe if I came face-to-face with him?
Obviously, Joe’s lies were well-cloaked in a narrative that swept me away from my moral compass so that the social norms of behavior became skewed in some weird acceptance.[6]
Another thing that happened was my System 1 and 2 Thinking weren’t syncing. System 2 was asking questions, but System 1 couldn’t respond and engage. I blame myself for not listening to my Inner Voice that was pleading for me to pause and pull back.
I like how Parrish encourages his reader, “Making a good decision is about the process, not the outcome. One bad outcome doesn’t make you a poor decision-maker any more than one good outcome makes you a genius.”[7]
[1] Shane Parrish, Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results (New York: Penguin Publishing Group, 245). Kindle Edition.
[2] Ibid., 155.
[3] Ibid.
[4] Ibid., 156.
[5] Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, 10th Anniversary, Revised Edition) (p. 59). Church Publishing Incorporated. Kindle Edition.
[6] Bobby Duffy, Why We’re Wrong About Nearly Everything: A Theory of Human Misunderstanding (New York: Basic Books, 2019), 66.
[7] Shane Parrish, Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results, 216.
About the Author
Nancy Blackman
14 responses to “Bad Choices Make Good Stories … or Do They?”
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Nancy, thanks for your post. I too like what Parrish says about making decisions being about the process not the outcome. I like how he talked about writing down the reasons why you make a decision. Makes it easier to reflect on them later. There are so many times in my life that I ask myself “what was I thinking? My final question for Nancy this semester. Which of the four defaults, (emotional, social, ego, and inertia) do you think played the biggest role in not saying anything about Joe?
Jeff, You reminded me of how I generally make larger decisions in life—by making a pros and cons list with one question at the top: will it bring meaning and value to our lives?
In the case of Joe, I’m sorry I didn’t do a pros and cons list because I would have realized sooner how toxic some of his behaviors were. As someone who has struggled to make friends, I would say it was both ego and social. To protect confidentiality, I’ll leave it there.
Tough, but good question!
Hi Nancy, Thank you for sharing this story. Relationships can be so tricky. Unfortunately, toxic people usually leave you thinking, “Is it me?” It seems like “Joe” taught you valuable lessons and possibly helped you develop templates for future situations like this? Obviously, we can’t always avoid people like this, but what kind of safeguards have you put in place to navigate personalities like “Joe?” I am still working to create healthy safeguards for these situations.
Ooooh, Elysse! I love the word “templates.”
I have struggled most of my life with trusting others and this situation has made me realize I need more evidence before being able to trust someone. I tend to watch more, waiting patiently to see characteristics in a person. Generally, after one year of a relationship, the honeymoon period is over and people will let you see their true side. In the process, God has reminded me that I am not alone, so having a small handful of really, really good friends is better than many.
I’m still working on creating my template, but that’s part of my process so far.
Nancy, I have been inspired by reading your creative posts this year. Your artwork that goes along with it, is visually on point.
I have also had the types of experiences that you’ve had with people. You are not alone. What would you do differently next time? What role could others play in helping you behave differently?
Graham,
Wow … thank you for the compliment. I guess my many years of graphic design still continues 😁. I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed them.
First, thank you for reminding me I’m not alone. Just reading those words brought some unexpected tears.
Elysse used a great word —templates— in regards to navigating future relationships. Short answer: I’m still figuring it out. I definitely am more guarded. I have been more forthcoming with good friends in asking them to keep me accountable. I generally tell them if they see or hear me going off course, they have permission to sit me down. I will listen. Up to now, my friends have honored that, and I am thankful. We do need wise counsel.
Thank you Nancy for your self-reflection on this story in light of Parrish’s work. I’m sure we could both swap many stories about people that have ‘tricked’ us along the way. What do you think causes people to do this? How can we remain compassionate and loving, but wise and discerning as well? Any tools you’ve utilized since then that might help?
Oh God, Ryan, I’m sorry that any of us have stories to swap.
What causes people to do this? That’s the $64,000 question. I wish I knew. Is it a personality disorder?
How can we remain compassionate and loving, but wise and discerning as well? Good question! I think what I’ve learned is you can always be kind to someone but remember that kindness needs to be extended to yourself. In other words, maybe distancing yourself from a toxic situation is being compassionate, especially when the other person is not “hearing” you.
Any tools you’ve utilized since then that might help? I am very, very careful to move into friendship, which might be exactly what God wanted me to learn because I went through a season of loneliness and God kept reminding me that I was not alone. Duh. 😁
Hi Nancy,
How did Shane Parrish’s concept of evaluating options, as discussed in “Clear Thinking,” apply to your own experience of decision-making process regarding relationships?
Hi Shela,
I thought I was clear on those points. Maybe you missed it. Here it is again:
When a person is challenged with finding criteria, Parrish states it’s because they don’t understand the problem or they “don’t understand the general features that criteria are supposed to have,”[3] which are clarity, goal promotion, and decisiveness.
With respect to those points and this situation, I did not have enough clarity over this person because he was a pathological liar, and I was inexperienced in dealing with someone of this caliber. Obviously, the category of goal promotion for achieving a trusting friendship was not mutual. Lastly, the decisiveness for me to be equal partners in a friendship was not Joe’s goal.
As Parrish explains, when there is ambiguity, people will interpret in the only way they know how. Unfortunately, “their decision-making process becomes a playground for the emotion default.”[4] That statement nails it.
Hey Nancy! Thank you for painting this picture through your transparency. While I’m certain there are decisions you would have made differently be encouraged. You operated in authenticity and Joe was far from that. I have come to learn in ministry you will be burned in all sorts of ways. Reading Parrish what do you wish you would have known earlier to better assist you?
That’s a great question, Daren. I think I would have been more reflective if I had known about Parrish’s defaults: ego, emotion, social, and inertia. In this case, because someone else asked, I think I defaulted to both emotion and social, and it’s making me realize I might do that more often than not, so since that time, I have been more cautious.
Nancy, I appreciate your post. Especially your ability to reflect on Parrish’s insights while alluding to Kahneman’s two-system thinking. How do you see insights from Parrish’s work possibly influencing your current ministry context?
Great question, Chad! I was trying to figure out how to connect this book to my NPO of working with interfaith writers. The best I can see (so far) is that because I’m dealing with a variety of personalities along with cultural attributes, I am more attuned to Parrish’s defaults. I recognize there is a social aspect to creating a writing community, but just with many community settings, personalities show up and things can go awry. I am realizing that having community guidelines is a must.