Anxiety around public speaking, drumming and loud music, and hope in Christ
As soon as I started reading Julian Treasure’s How to be Heard, a bit of low-grade anxiety snuck in. At some point, I knew I was going to come across the portions about speaking. See, the speaking parts of my job have always been a hurdle. I’ve spoken or presented in front of groups of over 1000 people, in front of large groups over zoom, and in front of small groups of people in a small room. Even in some of the most familiar settings, I typically use a script, and I rarely deviate from my notes. Regardless of the context or how much I’ve prepared ahead of time, public speaking is always a challenge. I’ll get to that in a minute.
First, let’s talk about sound. Treasure talks a lot about silence being a practice that puts one on the journey of “conscious listening.”[1] I don’t disagree. That’s super important. However, for me, silence is hard. Whether I’m reading, studying, or writing, I usually enjoy a bit of background noise, especially music.
Here’s the truth: I love music, like… all the time. I grew up with it. My father played the drums, guitar, and piano. I grew up listening to him not only play those instruments, but also to him providing commentary about all the music he and my mother listened to in the 1960’s and 1970’s. And when it was time to decide what instrument to play myself, like my father, I decided on percussion. Concert band. Symphonic band. Marching band. Jazz band. Pep band. A blues band. And more. One thing is clear, being a drummer did not help my hearing. Like Treasure, I now have tinnitus. I’ve had it for years, and in fact my ears are ringing as I write this. That’s probably one of the reasons I don’t care too much for complete silence. My ears are ALWAYS ringing. What’s worse is that the damage to my ears is likely a result of the loud music I’ve blasted through my headphones over time as much as it was growing up playing the drums.
Now to the speaking part. It starts with my inner listening. When it comes to making presentations, I have a “little internal voice”[2] constantly warning me that I’m going to appear incompetent. Thanks, Enneagram 5. However, I don’t think I’m the only one who wrestles with this. Treasure states that “many people suffer greatly from negative self-talk.”[3] I’ve experienced Treasure’s examples of negative self-talk, especially the one that says “Don’t try that, you’ll fail!”[4] For me, “that” includes public speaking, and my inner critic loves to remind me of this.
In Psalms 42-43, the psalmist does a little “self-talk,” saying, “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (NIV) Retraining an inner voice involves re-locating hope where it needs to rest. In my case, when it comes to public speaking, I need to put my hope in Christ, not in what I think others will think. The inner voice, when not resting in God, is really clamoring for my heart’s affections to rest in something other than the finished work of Christ. In many ways, my inner critic wants me to rest in what Treasure identified as “emotional drivers that tend to suck the power out of communication.”[5] “Looking good,” “being right,” “people pleasing,” and “fixing.” These “four leeches”[6] sound eerily similar to idols of the human heart, some of which run deeper than others. Reputation. Control. Approval. Comfort. Though these “motivational drives”[7] aren’t necessarily bad things (having a good reputation can be a good thing to desire, for example), they can easily become “ultimate things.” That’s when good things become idolatrous things.
In Counterfeit Gods, Timothy Keller writes, “What is an idol? It is anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give. A counterfeit god is anything so central and essential to your life that, should you lose it, your life would feel hardly worth living.”[8] Keller goes on to write, “idolatry is not just a failure to obey God, it is a setting of the whole heart on something besides God.” (Keller, 171) In the 16th century, in his commentary on the first commandment, Martin Luther wrote:
“If you have a heart that can expect of (God) nothing but what is good, especially in want and distress, and that, moreover, renounces and forsakes everything that is not God, then you have the only true God. If, on the contrary, it cleaves to anything else, of which it expects more good and help than of God, and does not take refuge in Him, but in adversity flees from Him, then you have an idol, another god.”[9]
Treasure’s four leeches are really like idols. To deal with these four leeches, I need to remember what the psalmist did. God-centered self-talk. I need to speak to my inner voice — “Put your hope in God.” I need to rejoice and rest “in what Jesus has done for (me).”[10] “Jesus must become more beautiful to (my) imagination, more attractive to (my) heart, than (my) idol.”[11] If I merely “try harder” to not worry about looking good, being right, pleasing people, or fixing things, then these leeches will re-affix their leeching when my “trying” is done. Instead, my heart and my hope must rest in the unfailing love of Christ. Christ is the only one who can dislodge the leeches. That’s where my inner critic needs to go, resting in the life, love, death, and resurrection of Jesus. This will be what I will need to come back to, over and over, as I may deal with anxiety around speaking for the rest of my life.
[1] Julian Treasure, How to be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening, (Coral Gables, FL: Mango Publishing Group, 2017), 134.
[2] Treasure, 117.
[3] Treasure, 117.
[4] Treasure, 118.
[5] Treasture, 51.
[6] Treasture, 51.
[7] Timothy Keller, Counterfeit Gods (New York: Penguin, 2009), 204.
[8] Keller, xix-xx.
[9] See Martin Luther’s commentary on the first commandment in the Book of Concord.
[10] Keller, 172.
[11] Keller, 172.
About the Author
Travis Vaughn
8 responses to “Anxiety around public speaking, drumming and loud music, and hope in Christ”
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Travis,
Thank you for how you take the text and bring such spiritual application to it. You may struggle with speaking anxiety, but your ability to write and communicate is exemplary. “Retraining an inner voice involves re-locating hope where it needs to rest. The inner voice, when not resting in God, is really clamoring for my heart’s affections to rest in something other than the finished work of Christ.”
I had to stop and read this several times. What a powerful thought of re-locating hope where judgement resides.
Thank you, Travis! You challenge my inner critic.
Thank you, Esther. You are very kind. Even as I wrote that post, I thought to myself that I don’t speak to my inner critic as much as I would like. Incorporating what the psalmist does in Psalms 42-43 into my writing reminded me that I need to do this, daily, and not only in the speaking parts of my life. That challenge is to rejoice in Christ more than I am rejoicing in…whatever. Perfectionism. Competitive-ness. Controlling my environment. Obsessing about reputation. Whatever. I came across Keller’s book at least a decade ago. It is something that I have used in coaching clients. It is excellent. I wonder if there is a resource that you’ve come across in recent years that you have tried to integrate into your coaching practice, perhaps something that was not necessarily in the “coaching” world?
I’ve added Keller’s book to my reading list for the summer. I’ve read many of his and find so much insight through his writings. Since I do more transition coaching now for ministry leaders, I often use a leadership series by Terry B. Walling. He began with a book
“Stuck!: Navigating Life and Leadership Transitions”
and then wrote three books for each season of life “Awakening” (younger years), “Deciding,(mid-season)” and “Finishing”(later years). They are thin reads but very helpful to bring clarity through coaching questions for each particular season. I also have used “Living Forward” by Michael Hyatt & Daniel Harkavy when having a client map out a life plan.
Enneagram 6 here and I too have struggled with feeling incompetent, or appearing incompetent!
I appreciated your description of self-differentiation, “retraining an inner voice involves re-locating hope where it needs to rest.” Your description gave me a visual of actually placing my hope into the hands of God instead of holding on to it myself, trying to not let it slip from my hands.
For me, I think the “re-locating” of that hope is something that is and will be…daily, often multiple times a day. I think that is why I have tried to incorporate the Daily Office more into my life as I grow older. Keller’s book was super helpful for me when I came across it in my late 30’s. I often send Luther’s commentary on the first commandment in the Book of Concord to guys that I’m discipling or coaching, as it really provides a basis for locating where we are placing or holding on to hope. It’s eerily similar to Keller’s Counterfeit Gods, written 5 centuries earlier.
Great post Travis….I appreciate how you link some of your angst around public speaking to the fundamental issue of ego/identity and the idols we can easily continue to bow down to if we are not being attentive to the Spirit and honest with ourselves. I suspect more preachers need to do some honest soul-searching in this regard! I certainly do. Your post reminded me of my own necessary spiritual formation as I entered full-time vocational ministry (as a fellow 5). I didn’t preach too often as a young Pastor, but when I did…I would start having a conversation with God…and start to address my desire to ‘look good’ in my upcoming preach. My goal was simply (but quite difficult!) this: to be able to honestly/authentically say out loud to God (and really mean it): “If you will be most glorified by me going up there and looking like a fool…I’m ok with that. Really ok with that.” I would begin this conversation (really soul work) a couple weeks in advance because it took me a while to get there! Over the years, it’s become a little easier and a quicker journey for me….but I would need to incorporate it once again as my responsibilities changed or my platform got larger…and it has been a useful process for me to die to self and make my ministry about Him and not me (because I can pretty easily make it about me!). Thankful for God’s kindness and mercy in the process!
Hey Travis. Man, I love your calm demeanor as you write. It jumps right off the page and encourages me. When you mentioned the 4 leeches, it reminded me of one of my most traumatized client. She is 17 years old and her knowledge of animal and plant life is off the charts. I remember months ago as she always does, she educated me on different species. She mentioned how leeches prevent blood clots, reduce inflammation, and actually improve blood flow. She shocked me when she told me they are also used to improve osteoarthritis and heart disease. As I said, her knowledge is unbelievable.
So, with this in mind, is it even possible to use 1, 2, or all 4 of Treasure’s leeches to actually give life to the challenges God allows in your life?
Finally, I wish I just had anxiety whenever I speak. Unfortunately, I get terrified, sweat, have to go to the restroom numerous times, breathe heavily, get tired, and ALWAYS ask, “Lord, will I ever speak and not feel terrified” It’s been this way for 40 years!😩
What a great and honest post man. As you know, I can relate, my first several years of ministry were painful. A lot of it was due to that “internal voice” and the four leeches. A big turning point for me was finding my voice, perspective, and approach to presenting, rather then fitting into other peoples molds, then I started having WAY more fun with it. This authenticity was a remedy for one of the leeches of “people pleasing”.
Also, we have a lot of people who play the drums in our cohort! I played growing up and John is a fellow drum player as well. The last night in Cape Town when people were leaving the dining room, I had to go back in to grab something and the musicians were still playing some African beats and asked if I wanted to join them. I did since and it was such a cool experience!