An Exercise to Get Us Out of Our Heads
In 2020, researchers at Queen’s University in Canada used brain imaging to detect how many thoughts people have in one day. By comparing study participants’ brain patterns while watching a movie to those at other times of day, they were able to identify what they called “thought worms,” which were trains of thought that transitioned from one to another as events in the movie unfolded. These same worms of thought were identifiable throughout the day as participants’ engaged in ordinary activities. By measuring how often one thought ended and a new one emerged, researchers found a median rate of about 6.5 transitions per minute. Over the course of 16 waking hours, this means that participants had about 6,200 thoughts per day. [1]
When I first read this article, I was relieved to find out that the zoo of thoughts I wrestle with each day wasn’t just me, it’s all of our brains.
Similarly, the central idea of David Rock’s book, Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long, could be summed by his own words:
“Frustration at your limitations, mistakes, missed opportunities, forgetfulness, or bad habits can generate a lot of limbic activity. . . as you learn more about your brain, you begin to see that many of your foibles and mistakes come down to the way your brain is built.”[2]
All semester I’ve been learning about my brain, my thinking, and my perceptions. By now, I am starting to see that many of my mistakes come down to the way my brain is built. I cannot think about a complex[3] mediation case while I’m shopping for groceries at the same time. (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stood in the produce section choosing apples, talking to myself and not remembering putting the apples in the cart). Thank goodness, it’s not me, it’s my brain!
Nor can I learn to do anything new and complex[4]–such as aerial yoga in downtown Portland (I have pictures to prove it!) without a trained instructor–my limbic system was all over the place from uncertainty. The mistakes I made at first were comical but could also be dangerous, as I was hanging upside down holding onto silk/nylon material relying on every word from the instructor. Again, it’s not me that has so many limitations, it’s my brain. And I’ve learned throughout this program that I cannot read certain books and write essays after 7 PM. (I must be older than Scott because his cut off was 10 PM).
My NPO is centered around how the lack of support for leaders today makes people not want to lead tomorrow. Specifically, I care about the provision given to leaders so that certain character qualities, like humility, can remain nurtured throughout the leader’s lifetime. Two other quotes from the book caused me pause in relation to my NPO and what I’ve been writing about this week. Rock asserts, “Your ability to regulate your emotions instead of being at the mercy of them is central to being effective in a chaotic world.”[5] In the quotes he says, “Being able to stay cool under pressure is a basic requirement for many jobs today. For people in leadership positions, this need is even more acute.”[6]
As I read this book and thought about my NPO, I thought about all of you. How does your organization or your team give you support so you can take the time to “regulate your emotions” and “stay cool under pressure?” In a workshop I was leading church leaders last year, I started our time with this exercise[7] and I wanted to offer it to each one of you.
- List 5-10 things that you’ve spent the most time thinking about today.
- What are the primary emotions you tie to or associate with those things?
- Now take the most prevalent emotion and write it in the middle of the circle below. Scattered around the circles, write everything you can think of that is contributing to that emotion. It could be good or bad. You might write anxious, or peaceful, overwhelmed, angry, afraid. Whatever it is, write it down. You might write “laundry that isn’t done” Or “work” or “kids” or “financial stress,” or “body image issues,” or “doctoral work,” or “the state of the world,” or “tense relationships.”
Keep going until you’ve exhausted all the things prompting the emotion you wrote down.
Dr. David Rock tells us that when we just describe an emotion in a word or two, it helps reduce the emotion[8]. Hopefully, it will reduce our 6,200 thoughts down to 620. I’ll take 62!
[1] Queen’s Gazette | Queen’s University. “Discovery of ‘Thought Worms’ Opens Window to the Mind,” July 13, 2020. https://www.queensu.ca/gazette/stories/discovery-thought-worms-opens-window-mind.
[2] Rock, David. Your Brain at Work, Revised and Updated: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long. 1st edition. Harper Business, 2020.
[3] IBID.
[4] IBID.
[5] IBID. 99.
[6] IBID. 114
[7] Allen, Jennie. Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts. WaterBrook, 2020.
[8] IBID. 114.
About the Author
Pam Lau
Pamela Havey Lau brings more than 25 years of experience in speaking, teaching, writing and mediating. She has led a variety of groups, both small and large, in seminars, trainings, conferences and teachings. Pam’s passion is to see each person communicate with their most authentic voice with a transparent faith in Jesus Christ. With more than 10, 000 hours of writing, researching, and teaching the heart and soul of Pam’s calling comes from decades of walking alongside those who have experienced healing through pain and peace through conflict. As a professor and author, Pam deeply understands the role of mentoring and building bridges from one generation to another. She has developed a wisdom in how to connect leaders with their teams. Her skill in facilitating conversations extends across differences in families, businesses, schools, universities, and nonprofits. Pam specializes in simplifying complex issues and as a business owner, has helped numerous CEOs and leaders communicate effectively. She is the author of Soul Strength (Random House) and A Friend in Me (David C. Cook) and is a frequent contributor to online and print publications. You can hear Pam’s podcast on Real Life with Pamela Lau on itunes. Currently, Pam is a mediator for families, churches, and nonprofits. You can contact Pam through her website: PamelaLau.com. Brad and Pam live in Newberg, Oregon; they have three adult daughters and one son-in-law. One small, vocal dog, Cali lives in the family home where she tries to be the boss! As a family they enjoy worshiping God, tennis, good food and spending time with family and friends.14 responses to “An Exercise to Get Us Out of Our Heads”
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Hi Pam,
I started your exercise with one thought. Food. It is lunch time and that is all I could come up with. Making food with crackers, smoked salmon, peppers, a garlic cream cheese spread.
So I tried again later.
I liked your exercise, such a different approach. I was reading Jenny Dooley’s comments on supporting South East Asian pastors and their family, she is wrestling with the community collectiveness of her audience and how to impact that in a positive way.
I mention this, because I shy away from your approach. Not sure if it is a cultural thing. I mention it, because I see Jenny’s dilemma – I want to approach solutions from a team perspective and I feel that I am out on a limb when I start looking at your Ven diagram. It is all about me.
Hmmm…not sure where I was going with this, and surely not where I am ending. But your post caused me to think. By the way I can’t do any serious writing after lunch. So 4 am – 6 am is my academic sweet spot.
Shalom…Russ
Hi! Russell,
You actually make an excellent point about the differences among cultures in how we think about expressing emotion, even identifying our emotions! For people groups who are more community focused on honor and sacrifice, they might find this exercise self-centered. When I taught an all-international student communications course for a few years at an undergraduate institution, my students struggled with the first speech which was a story-telling speech. It’s not that they didn’t have stories; they did! However, they shared with me how uncomfortable they were speaking so publicly about themselves and their feelings. At that time, most of my students were from China and felt a strong sense of obligation to please their parents. What I saw in them was an internal battle for loyalty. “Do I say I how I truly feel? or Do I say what’s expected of me to say?”
To David Rock’s point, it’s not working for us to suppress our feelings because it distracts us from being fully present, especially at work. My question to you is do you think that’s true of the various cultures you work with, too? What about for you?
You stated, then asked…To David Rock’s point, it’s not working for us to suppress our feelings because it distracts us from being fully present, especially at work. My question to you is do you think that’s true of the various cultures you work with, too? What about for you?
My Wednesday class is filled with Ukrainians. They have fled their homes and are starting again in the U.S.A. The Cubans and Afghanistan are struggling to find work.
For some reason I think that feelings are a minefield for these refugees.
For me? I am discovering a new generation of men (in my bible study) who readily talk about their feelings. At first this was alarming, but now I am getting used to it.
Russell,
Have you read Bessel Van Der Kolk’s, The Body Keeps the Score? The first chapter is called, Lessons from Vietnam Veterans where his oft quoted line reads, “The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves.” It’s excruciating for the refugees you are working with to face the reality of their feelings–I cannot imagine how that’s not true for you either as one who is walking with them. I am deeply touched by your ministry. I am praying right now for the Ukranians, the Cubans and the Afganistanians, so they don’t lose their sense of self.
Hi Pam,
This statement highlights my dilemma when working with adults in Southeast Asia, “Do I say I how I truly feel? or Do I say what’s expected of me to say?” This is their internal dialogue. To be honest, it was mine as a child as well. It was just easier to see it in a different culture. I see this with my adult American counseling clients too. Even in the safety of my counseling office where no one but me is ever going to hear a word they say, many clients still struggle to name their feelings, their traumas, or say aloud what their parents did to hurt them. They feel disloyal too! In the US we pride ourselves on being independent and individualistic, but I wonder if it isn’t a mask that offers emotional and relational protection. We are all vulnerable and move to protect ourselves in any way we can. I actually love leading groups because once people realize they are not alone and have shared experiences with others, they start talking.
Jenny,
I am taken with your comment, ” In the US we pride ourselves on being independent and individualistic, but I wonder if it isn’t a mask that offers emotional and relational protection. We are all vulnerable and move to protect ourselves in any way we can.” I mentioned on the Zoom call Monday how vastly different the culture is from the East coast to the Pacific Northwest (At least it was in 2000). As an 8 on the Enneagram, I already struggle with being truly vulnerable emotionally but when I moved out here, I thought someone turned out the lights! (What are you on the Enneagram?).
Through God’s leading and facing my own needs, I worked hard to find people I could trust, especially in light of mine and my husband’s jobs. What I have discovered throughout the years is how many leaders in key positions, pastors, professors, managers have been hurt so badly by “trusting” people, that they don’t dare lower the mask again. I want to be careful to not generalize; after all, that’s not the case for everyone and it reminds me of Simon Walker’s entire premise for his book, Leading out of Who you are Are. But I do wonder if what you see in your counseling and what I am trying to say is that overall, we’re battling building truly trustworthy relationships where important feelings can be named.
My adult daughters tell me that people are really poor at asking good questions! There’s really no excuse for not learning how to ask our fellow brothers and sisters good, meaningful questions.
So, how did you work yourself out of a place where you can now name your feelings?
Since your brought up personality assessments into this thread, I thought I would jump in. As you asked the question: “How does your organization or your team give you support so you can take the time to ‘regulate your emotions’ and ‘stay cool under pressure?'” I was taken back to my own team meeting this week where we were reviewing our Birkman assessments as a group. (For those unfamiliar, Birkman is another type of personality assessment) It was interesting because as you know, my organization is in healthcare, so we have just started to put the pieces back together after COVID and we just went through a major reorganization.
I have looked at my personality traits multiple times, but in this group conversation, I was given a chance to see some of my stress behaviors that have come to life over the past months. (For me, it is mostly over-thinking social interactions and being too critical of my own actions in that context- GREAT for a facilitator.) The most powerful part was for me to be able to voice that with my boss in the room. Because she has more insight into my personality, she now knows what kind of reinforcement I need during stressful times. This, in turn, made me feel seen and understood by my boss. Tying this all back to leadership, then, what a great way for us as leaders to support our teams during times of stress.
Jen! Excellent input here in this thread. I was actually thinking of our conversations about the Birkman and the non-profit (I2WE) where you serve. If anyone understands how to support their teams, I believe you do as I listen to how you ask others questions. What I appreciate the most is the way you wait in your listening without presuming. (At least that’s my perception of you)!
Your story about your boss hearing you say aloud what is not your natural process is very powerful. For one, you were direct, you were appropriately vulnerable in the right setting and you weren’t manipulating the conversation making it about you. To our point, your team provided support in a setting to help you regulate your emotions and keep your cool under pressure.
In your perception what are the obstacles for other professional sectors creating this space?
Hi Pam,
I fixed my typo! I am a 9 wing 1! I have been working on naming and sharing my feelings my entire life. I grew up in the PNW and I’m Norwegian. Sharing feelings was not modeled well for me. I had to learn how to name them before I could share them. Then I had to learn to name my needs and share those too. I don’t think I really got decent at until I was in my 40’s and there remains lots of room for improvement. Feeling emotionally safe and connected is important for me. One key thing that I have added is to say exactly why I feel the way I do. Difficult but freeing. Here are the questions I ask myself when I am feeling “uncomfortable.”
What just happened?
What am I feeling? I name whatever feelings come to mind. They don’t even have to be accurate at that point.
Why am I feeling that way? The because is important!
What do I need?
If I get there far I am usually feeling better. Then I can be curious. What was my feeling trying to tell me?
That’s my process. I am learning I can ask myself good questions. How about you?
Jenny,
As a Challenger (8), when I don’t pay attention to how I am feeling on the inside, others tell me I can sound angry or frustrated when I express how I feel. Most of my adult life (but more so since I turned 40), I recognized how much support I needed to be as emotionally healthy as possible. What I mean by support is that I accept other’s help in processing my feelings (even outside professional therapy and spiritual direction). At least 3-4 times as week, I pray with another person (it depends on who I am scheduled with that week) but I have a handful of trusting souls who I have “allowed” into my inner life. As mentioned before, that’s hard for me. It’s within the context of those conversations where it’s up to me to ask myself the question you write above: “What’s going on?” I often move to “Naming the need” too quickly. I love the question you have, “WHY am I feeling this way?”
As I open myself to prayer with another person who listens well, the Spirit often brings discernment, warnings, consolation, and peace.
My kind husband has made more room in our garage for my 300 plus journals. Through this year in our program, I am considering going about my “journaling” in a different way after reading all the books we have on why we are wrong in our thinking.
Thanks for the good dialogue!
Thanks Pam…I totally agree with Rock when he talks about a leaders ability to self-regulate–and how much more in these last three years when it seems most people have been pushed to extremes on all sorts of issues! I am currently wrestling through the nuance of being self-regulated (which I can do pretty well in my leadership) and still healthily processing my emotions. I think part of my current funk that I wrote about in my blog post this week is related to me failing to process my emotions (while staying relatively well-regulated in my leadership). Some irony in the fact that I am writing about leaders long-term resiliency and the importance of EQ…and struggling in this realm at present!
Scott,
I appreciate your honesty and self awareness in your response. My question for you is how does your team allow for you to “process your emotions” without being the ones with whom you would process while at the same time recognizing you need the space/time?
The research around “thought worms” is so interesting. The connections between thoughts into the emergence of other thoughts is really interesting. Thank you for sharing. The venn diagram activity of naming the emotion and tracing the activities around the emotion on the perimeters seems like helpful method for determining patterns of thinking and the emotions tied to them. How have you found this helpful in your talks at workshops?
Thanks for your question, Cathy! I find the exercises practical in helping my audience connect with their inner world as we head into the material. That way, when I begin to define terms, the words and meanings are more salient as they tie my stories back to how they are really feeling, not just what they “think” they feel.”
Even though many of us may find naming our emotions and as Jenny says, “Why am I feeling this way” easier, Most of us need tangible ways to help us reflect. Settings like workshops give leaders boundaries with time and excess. Somehow it keeps us out of the realm of self-centeredness and egotism.
From a learning perspective, exercises like this help all of us learn new material and how to solve problems.
I know I need help thinking linearly about my emotions because they can be all-consuming sometimes.