All the World is a Stage.
First, to my cohort and leaders, I have been suffering from a strange and sudden bout of vertigo for the last 24 hours. I’m not sure what’s going on. I am doing my best to create a blog that flows and makes sense. I hope I am achieving that—this is the best I can come up with at this moment…
I was standing in my garage thirty-plus years ago, and my sister called me on the long extension cord phone (Mind you, she is a marriage and family therapist). When I said hello, she said, “Hi, brother, how are you? I immediately said, “Doing great, you?”
Then she called me out, saying, “No, you aren’t,” it hurt.
It hurt because it was the truth. The company I owned was struggling big time. My soon-to-be ex-wife and I were not getting along well. We were losing our home and were struggling financially. I knew my life with my two daughters would probably end soon, and it was breaking my heart. Life really sucked. But no matter how hard life was, I wore the “everything is doing great!!” mask for everyone I spoke to and met. My answer to my sister was, “If I don’t stay positive through all of this, who will?” Not much of an answer. Everything crashed, as expected, three weeks later, and a hard and sad road for a season began.
Why do we do that? Why do people wear masks? Why can’t leaders just be real with people? Walker’s book “Leading Out of Who You Are” perfectly explains how being vulnerable and authentic in relationships is important for leadership and offers solutions for dealing with challenges. Obviously, there is much more to it, but the bottom line is that it shows leaders how to be human.
How does a leader learn to be real with those around her? In “A Failure of Nerve,” Friedman writes: “The capacity to take responsibility for one’s own being and destiny requires integrity, which in this context means not only honesty but being “put together well.” [1] I do think it starts with Integrity. Integrity can take away the fear of trying to be something you aren’t. In our house, Nancy and I always talk about “doing the next best thing.” That’s the result of living with Integrity. No fear about what others think – be true to yourself. Walker writes: “Freedom to lead depends on us finding a source of unconditional approval that is not jeopardized by our performance.” [2]
Is it that simple? I think not. We all come from trauma of some sort. We all wrestle with our own degree of shame. Walker writes: “I often deal with leaders who suffer anxiety or guilt because a part of their lives doesn’t match the rest.” [3] How do we approach those under our leadership and expose our vulnerability to them?
I sat in awe years ago while I was an usher during a lead pastor’s prayer meeting for the Calvary Chapel movement, and during some quiet time, one of the pastors started sobbing. As all the other pastors gathered around him, he confessed to having a porn addiction. It was a touching moment of prayer and grace, but at the same time, human reality. It is not that we need to confess our sins to those we are leading, but that a dose of being real with them and letting them see your struggles makes one more human and, I think, easier to relate to.
How do we walk the fine line between Erving Goffman’s idea of front stage/backstage?[4] We want and need to present well to gain the confidence of our audience. But where the humanness and vulnerability come out is in the shadows, on the backstage. The idea of being transparent and genuine while also being able to adapt to different situations and people is a key part of the undefended leadership style. The problem for leaders is how to do it (and I am still learning).
What did I learn from the call out my sister did to me? (besides, next time, let it go to voicemail), I knew that I needed to be vulnerable. I can share stories all day and night, but letting people into my world is very hard for me. I tend to like the front stage much more than the back.
1 Edwin H. Friedman. A Failure of Nerve (New York: Church Publishing, 2017), 117
2 Simon Walker. Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership ( Carlisle: Piquant, 2007), 131
3 Ibid., 125
4 Ibid., 112
About the Author
Chris Blackman
15 responses to “All the World is a Stage.”
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Hi Chris, So sorry you aren’t feeling well. Even with your disclaimer, I could see your thread. It is true that the back stage houses our vulnerabilities and humaness, but it can also be a place of rest and restoration. Have you noticed that in your exploration of this topic? Feel free to wait until you are feeling better if you want to reply. Peace.
Thanks Diane for your reply. Not 100% yet, but trying!
The true reason I tend to like the front stage better than the back, is to feed my ego. Not much more than that. If I am real with myself, I rest and enjoy, when I am alone on the back stage and am amongst my mess.
But this is giving me a lot to think about,
Thank you!
Hi Chris, I hope you feeling better. I am sorry to read that you are in pain.
Your anecdote about the pastor’s confession underscores the power of vulnerability. I totally agree with you, when leaders share their struggles, they become more relatable.
Thank you Shela. Fortunately no pain, just dizzy a lot,
I agree with your thoughts on vulnerability and wish more people would embrace it.
Chris, I too hope you’re feeling better. If not, try dabbing some peppermint oil on your temples, wrists, behind your ears, and under your nose 🙏🏾
Regarding the post, I was with you the whole way and appreciated what you had to say! You mentioned the power of being human a couple times. I wonder in what ways this type of radical vulnerability in being real and “letting them see your struggles” might be supportive of your larger aim of helping men in AA feel less shame and break the victim mentality that many carry? Would love to hear your thoughts on how you might apply insight from this book to your NPO.
Thank you Akwése! I am not feeling a lot better, so I will try the peppermint! I didn’t know that would help. A quick internet search says it will! Thank you!
Appreciate your thoughts on my NPO. From what I have witnessed, anyone coming in the doors of a 12-step program is pretty darn beat up, and their egos have been shredded. Shame is alive and well in those rooms, but the longer they stay in them, the less shame they feel. Interesting thoughts. I need to chew on your question! Thank you!
okay, Nancy just whipped me up some essential peppermint oil and I have followed your instructions.
I smell like a candy cane. My dog is sitting next to me with love in her eyes too 🙂
Thank you again.
Chris! Feel better, brother! I could clearly see the points in your post. As you were called out I wonder, do you also now engage in calling people out of their vulnerabilities as a result? It takes great confidence to ask, but in your situation you exhibited great confidence by also opening up and being able to share.
Thank you Daren, I am trying to feel better darn it.
I am an open book about myself and my life adventures (mainly self-imposed). But when it comes to confrontation? I run like the wind!!
I have found that in management, I have no issue at all getting in someone’s face if needed, giving instruction, and making decisions. But when it comes to doing all that personally for myself, it’s just not going to happen.
Hi Chris – I am praying for your recovery from vertigo.
Thank you for sharing the wisdom you have gained through your past experiences. It is a gift to your cohort.
I too prefer the polished front stage over the messy backstage.
From your post, I am contemplating how we can love our ministers well – and help them feel safe to be honest in their back stage.
Thank you for the prayers Christy. Better than I was, but still have a way to go, I’m afraid.
LOL I am not sure about the gift part, but thanks for your words. I have had a lot of ups and downs for sure,
I realized in my readings and writings that the front stage is all about feeding my ego (which I have always struggled with), and the back stage is where I feel the most comfort in. Never realized that until today.
I agree with you tho – how do we show love to our ministers so that they can be the best version of themselves – warts and all.
Thanks for your prayers and reply.
Thank you so much Chris for your sharing, it showed and gives the encouragement to be vulnerable. I too have hard time to let others into my Back Stage as an individual and a leader; even those I should have trusted.
Thanks Noel. As we heard this morning, it is hard to find others to trust to see our “dark sides”, but it is also extremely important to find them. Thanks for your reply!
Chris, I’m sorry about the vertigo and just prayed for you. I appreciate you modeling how to be vulnerable as a leader. Your posts are always honest and open. Thank you for being an example!
lol thank you Kari,
Never thought of me being an example. I appreciate it. I just have a little more colorful life than some others have had 🙂
Appreciate your response.