Abandoned, Adopted, Seeking Belonging
Abandoned at a hospital as a newborn baby, by a 25 year old mother who had a 5 year old son already and could not bear to keep another child, then placed into foster care until a plan could be made… This is how the story of my life began. Nameless, I spent time with a foster family. My foster mother felt like I needed a name so she called me Sara. Little did she know across the state there was a woman waiting to adopt, that wanted a baby girl whom she would name Sara. The way God would have it she eventually because my mother through adoption.
Knowing
I grew up knowing that I was adopted My family kept relationships with my foster family. As honest about the adoption as they were they all knew more than they ever told me. I grew up and only child always asking Santa for a baby brother. I didn’t know until my adult years that I had an older brother. Although I grew up knowing the truth about being adopted there was a consistent void that never seemed to be filled, a wondering of who I was and where I belonged. I felt loved, I was provided opportunities, I had a great childhood, but something always felt like it was missing.
Asking the Questions
After having my own children I finally had the courage to explore more about my case and ask more questions. With it came the knowledge that I was never told that I was the second child, who was abandoned at the hospital. I found out that my birth mother died young and had never told anyone about me. I was the secret she took to the grave. Each new question brought forth unsettled emotions and answers that began to bring clarity to my struggle to feel and find belonging. Though the trauma memory was lost to my age at the time of the event my body and soul felt the affects deep within of the abandonment, even when I was completely unaware. As an adult doing the work to acknowledge this real trauma in the depth of my being has been some of the most important work that I could do for myself, my family, and the communities I serve. I have had a support system that was willing to walk this journey with me and discover the messy part of my story with me, carrying me when I needed it.
The Body Keeps the Score
In his book Dr. Van Der Kolk discusses the depth that trauma can take root in our being and how it can manifest in all aspects of life. Through my life journey I can see where the trauma of this early abandonment had a grip on me and how my desire for finding belonging has led to decisions to engage or avoid certain situations. In the midst of the trauma that surrounds all of us at some point in our lives, there are ways that our body stores the trauma and lets it inform future responses and behaviors. ” Trauma constantly confronts us with our fragility and with man’s inhumanity to man but also with our extraordinary resilience.” (358) The good news is that with learned heathy responses, treatment, and appropriate mental health care; trauma does to have to consume the story of our lives. At the conclusion of his book Dr. Van Der Kolk writes this, “Most great instigators of social change have intimate personal knowledge of trauma. Oprah Winfrey comes to mind, as do Maya Angelou, Nelson Mandela, and Elie Wiesel. Read the life history of any visionary, and you will find insights and passions that came from having felt with devastation.” (358)
We Carry the Story
We carry the story of all that has happened in our lives, all the things we have seen, all the things we have done, or have been done to us. These things shape our perspectives, the lenses through which we view the world. They shape how we respond to the world around us. They have the power to empower a story of resilience or to strip us of hope and power. The outcome is in how we tell the story and how we listen to the story of others, are we willing to do the hard work and face the harsh reality of our own story and the story of our neighbors? Are we willing to support the work of those who seek to provide mental health care to those most in need? Who’s support system will you join?
- Bessel A. Van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (New York, New York: Penguin Books, 2015).
About the Author
Sara Taylor Lattimore
Sara is adopted, a wife of 17 years, a mother to 2 amazing children who give her opportunities to be a cheerleader, dress up like a princess, play soccer in the mud, and go on amazing adventures. With a Bachelors in political science and sociology, Sara worked for Child Protective Services as a legal caseworker before following a call into full-time ministry in 2008. During her time in full-time ministry Sara has served in medium to large size local congregations, as well as camp ministry. Sara has a passion for serving others, writing, and speaking. In 2016 Sara worked on a joint publication as a Curriculum Writer. Sara wrote the Intergenerational/Family & Day Camp Resources in “Beyond Belief” for InsideOut Christian Resources for Outdoor Ministry- Published by Chalice Press- Release Date 2018. Sara is looking forward to writing her own book next. Sara completed her MDiv from Iliff School of Theology in 2019 and is currently working on her Doctorate in Leadership and Global Perspectives from Portland Seminary. Sara currently serves as Lead Pastor of a local church in Southwestern Montana. She has previously served in ministry positions leading congregations in engaging globally in healthy mission and outreach partnerships, living life missionally, building innovative programs, and building relationships as the Director of Missions and Outreach, College Ministry Coordinator, Family and Children’s Ministry Director, Director of Christian Education, and Camp Program Director. She is an innovator and visionary who looks to find empowering and dignity restoring ways of building communities of belonging, while listening and partnering with others to find ways to also address the needs of the communities she is planted in. Beyond her work, Sara dreams of growing her family through adoption, kayaking with Orcas, going on pilgrimage on the Camino De Santiago in Spain, traveling in an RV across North America, and traveling internationally.8 responses to “Abandoned, Adopted, Seeking Belonging”
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Sarah,
Thank you for sharing, your personal experience in this made this post more impactful. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You have an incredible heart and compassion for others, thank you for being an inspiration to all of us. Bless you.
Greg, Thank you for your kind words. I have always hoped my story would be of meaning one day.
Sarah,
Incredible post with great personal examples that help make this a more impactful post. Well done!
Thanks Greg!
I am always amazed at the things that we think don’t or shouldn’t impact us actually can be felt or uncovered in our body or mind in all sorts of ways.
Sara – I love the question on which you ended this blog: “Whose support system will you join?” It’s an important reminder and challenge that God uniquely places us in the lives of people. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding me how importoant it is to love well.
Laura, thank you for your kind words. We all need a support system and we are all capable of being support for someone else. This is the essence of being in community.
“I was the secret she took to the grave.”
Man, this is deep, friend!
If you could ask your birth momma one question – What would it be?
Alana, the one thing I have always prayed I could say to my birth mother is, “Thank you” I know that carrying a baby for 9 months is no simple or comfortable task and I know that choosing adoption is not something that comes without emotional cost. So, thank you would be the words I had wished to share. After finding out I was a secret I maybe had more questions but none that would have answers that would change how grateful I am for the life I have been privileged to live.