A Little Facepalm
This week’s reading on conversations seems to flow directly out of last week’s reading of Humble Leadership. The ideas grow together, as one cannot have humble leadership without learning how to navigate difficult conversations around difficult topics. Likewise, it is necessary to engage in difficult conversations with humility and a learning attitude. I especially loved the start of the book, as the authors state, “This is because conversation is something done with someone…Conversation is inherently collaborative, and it creates an opportunity for people to reconsider what they believe and thus potentially change how they act and vote.”[1]
Authors Boghossian and Lindsay posit a simple premise for their book with a few dozen tangible action steps, progressively growing in difficulty. Essentially, difficult conversations occur because of challenging topics in our world, and our identities — or our worldviews — affect the way we enter those conversations. Therefore, it takes humility and a learning attitude to enter them well. They state, “Seeing your conversations as partnerships is the single biggest step you can take to ensuring conversations stay civil and to building relationships instead of dragging them.”[2]
Last year, I was given Chris Voss’ book Never Split the Difference to read by a pastor. This is a book referenced a handful of times by Boghossian. With our course readings and insights from Voss, I have found myself employing many of the tactics offered by Boghossian over the last couple years. For instance, we have tried to stop telling our son “No.” Instead, we use “Yes, and…”[3] When he asks if he can use electronics, we answer, “Yes, and you can use them once your chores are completed.”
As I began to read this book, I decided to put some of the ideas straight into practice. I went to Facebook and asked, “When should it be acceptable for ICE to arrest people?” I chose this question because it was a specific question about a difficult subject. The questions and issues around immigration and ICE can be overwhelming, and it was necessary to try and limit the scope of the discussion. In her book Sway, author Pragya Agarwal states, “the overwhelming information overload created by social media contributes to the way we let our unconscious cognitive biases take over our rational mind.”[4] While we all do have these unconscious biases, myself included, we are reminded in last week’s reading that “Humble Leadership will have to cope with tribalism (culture wars) and build relationships unbound by unconscious biases.”[5]
While I monitored the Facebook comments, it did not go downhill or get out of control. Ultimately, there was limited engagement in people answering the question, which may be because people simply wanted [understandably] to stay out of the fray, or because of algorithms that affect how far the post might spread.
I did learn a few lessons along the way by immediately applying what I was learning.
First, I had to push back a bit on people who lean both conservative and liberal. I chose to be fair in my approach to both sides of the issue and asked for clarification.
Second, I learned that the issue could raise tensions. One person decided to write in all caps and seemed irritated at the question itself. However, he chose not to engage beyond his initial rant.
Third, every person who commented on the post I know to be a Christian. Their values and their identity as Christians were amplified in their responses. This conversation is rooted in moral beliefs, and Boghossian states, “the discussion appears to be about issues, ideas, and facts, but instead it’s really about the type of person the entrenched individual perceives herself to be.”[6] The Christian answers of everyone represented who they portray themselves to be. One might even be able to guess which church denomination each respondent is affiliated with simply by their responses and the way they identify themselves.
Fourth, I saw new people engage in the conversation who I do not normally see engage in conversations regarding immigration. Did they choose to engage this time because I asked a more specific question rather than the generalized topic of immigration? Did they choose to engage because the question was open and seeking input without being condemning?
Fifth, I should read the book in its entirety before starting to engage with it. Shortly after making the Facebook post, I read the next chapter in which the authors write that these conversations should not be done on any social media, but rather should be done in person. So, after a little facepalm and a chuckle, I worked hard to keep the conversation from getting out of hand online, even with their warning.
Sixth and final lesson: ultimately, I disagree with Boghossian and Lindsay regarding social media usage. While I realize that social media has challenges in communication, such as not being able to see facial expressions or hear tone, social media can still be navigated in ways that promote learning and foster growth. Most people in our society are getting their information from social media soundbites, so to neglect this space in favor of in-person conversations only is not helpful in the long run in my opinion. Worldviews shift slowly, and repeated engagement with people is necessary. Also, here in Minnesota, we generally don’t discuss difficult topics in person because “Minnesota Nice” means we simply talk about the weather.
Finally, here is a shoutout to Debbie for recognizing this week’s reading in my social media post.
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[1] Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, First edition (New York: Lifelong Books, 2020), 5.
[2] Boghossian and Lindsay, 12.
[3] Boghossian and Lindsay, 120.
[4] Pragya Agarwal, Sway: Unravelling Unconscious Bias (Bloomsbury Sigma, 2021), 373.
[5] Edgar H. Schein and Peter A. Schein, Humble Leadership, Second Edition: The Power of Relationships, Openness, and Trust, Second Edition (Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2023), 116.
[6] Boghossian and Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, 177.
About the Author
Adam Cheney
I grew up in California, spent five years living along the beautiful coast of Kenya and now find myself working with refugees in the snow crusted tundra of Minnesota. My wife and I have seven children, four of whom have been adopted. I spend my time drinking lots of coffee, working in my garden, and baking sourdough bread.3 responses to “A Little Facepalm”
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Adam,
In response to your question.
A few years ago I had the privilege to visit Cactus, TX, a small town of around 3000 people in the northern panhandle. I was there with my university and we were serving at a Nazarene Compassion Center. During our week there we had the opportunity to interact with the local law enforcement. We asked them about their views on undocumented residents living in town. Their attitude was that as long as they didn’t cause trouble, they didn’t care if they were documented or undocumented (this town at that point in time only had 2 White people living there). If they caused trouble, they were arrested and the County Sheriff decided what to do if they were undocumented. My ideas about immigration have drastically changed over the last few years, but overall, I like the attitude the Cactus police had toward their residents. Take them into custody if they are causing trouble or have a verified history of causing trouble.
Since you disagree with the authors about having impossible conversations via social media, what would your next impossible conversation topic be?
Hi Adam, thank you for your post. I enjoyed reading it.
How do you navigate the tension between respecting someone’s identity and challenging their worldview in conversations rooted in moral beliefs?
Hi Adam, Thanks for your post. I was eager to reac and learn the source of your ‘facepalm’. Aside from faith and immigration is there a subject about which you would be very resistant to having an impossible conversation? Imagine that conversation and what question/s might be most useful to open you up to discussion.