The Calm, Strong Edge of Leadership
All through history people have not only lived out their faith, but they have died for their faith with conviction and hope. In so many cases, death could have been easily avoided by simply accepting a “lesser Jesus”, accepting him to be one god of many gods. Gerald L. Sittser, in his book, “Waters from a Deep Well,” recounts that in the time of Roman rule, Christians were thought to be obstinate and worthy of punishment because of their stance.[1] Martyrs led unapologetically, rooted in a belief system that was not up for debate, and went to their graves courageously.
Edwin H. Friedman’s, “A Failure of Nerve,” conjures up these same types of thoughts in me regarding leadership. Leadership that does not sway under pressure. Leadership that has integrity and strong character, and shines with a calm edge. This type of leadership is one that has the bigger picture in mind.
Since the book is written with the same dogmatic presence that it promotes, I thought I would read through some of the comments regarding the book on Amazon.
“Wise, but rigid…Doesn’t promote empathy…A Magnum-opus work!…Best book on leadership…Insightful and different…Toughest intellectual read to date…Disarming and wise.“[2]
Personally, I would describe the book as refreshing and challenging. Refreshing in that it addresses the climate we live in head-on. Friedman articulates years of research and observation from different fields of study to prove that our present society needs self-differentiated leadership, a leadership paradigm where the leader has self-control and self-knowledge. It is challenging in that it calls leaders to lead with courage and face saboteurs with confidence, calm, and resolve no matter how emotionally packed the atmosphere is.
Where “Leadersmithing” by Eva Poole was more of a manual of apprenticeship to learn to become a leader, “A Failure of Nerve” presents a radical shift in ideology by focusing on the emotional process. Friedman, having served 20 years as a rabbi, and 25 years as a family psychologist, writes with great depth of research and understanding regarding empathy and its pitfalls. He states that “the focus on empathy rather than responsibility has contributed to a major misorientation in our society about the nature of what is toxic to itself.”[3]
The premise of the book resonates so profoundly because our society is steeped in anxiety and toxicity from the organic level of family to the most powerful seats of leadership. In Freidman’s earlier book, “Generation to Generation” he attests that “there is an intrinsic relationship between our capacity to put families together and our ability to put ourselves together.”[4] How the family goes, so go the greater seats of leadership, power, and organization systems.
Another area that interested me was Friedman’s writing on generational influence. This area of study reminds me of a book I read: “Sticking Points: How to Get 4 Generations Working Together in the 12 Places They Come Apart” by Hadyn Shaw. Shaw shows how the different generations learn to operate from their ghost experiences. For example, Friedman’s generation’s ghosts were: The Great Depression, World War II, and the move from farm to city. Contrast this to the millennial’s ghost stories: Heavy parental involvement, fear of low self-esteem, and the consumer age.[5] What a difference! The backdrop of each shows how different the challenges have been and how they shaped each generation. Are there greater things to learn regarding what a generation has gone through and how it affects them emotionally?
Another differing stance that Friedman takes is that leaders should not focus on data, information, and skill, but rather leaders need to strive to be self-differentiating. Unhealthy emotional systems thrive on reactivity, a herding instinct, blame, and needing quick fixes, and are marked by poor leadership systems. A self-differentiating leader keeps a calm, non-reactive presence, is emotionally aware of him/herself while remaining connected, takes responsibility, sees the long-term in change management, and risks not being liked for the sake of the mission.”[6]
No doubt, in this age of division and blame-casting, there seems to be a great need for self-differentiated leaders, especially in the church. Friedman certainly understood the signs of the times. We need to take the helm once again with calm confidence and lead with God’s authority and guidance.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear.” (2 Tim. 1:7, NKJV)[7]
[1] Gerald L. Sittser. Water from a Deep Well: Christian Spirituality from Early Mern Missionaries Downers Grove, Illinois: IVP Books, 2007, 46-47.
[2] Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, New York: SEABURY BOOKS, 2007, 143.
[3] Ibid, 143.
[4] Edwin H. Friedman, Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue, Guilford Press, 2011, 3.
[5] Hadyn Shaw, Sticking Points. How to Get 4 Generations to Work Together, Carol Stream, Ill: Tyndale House Publishers, 2013, 52-54.
[6] Friedman, A Failure of Nerve, 68.
[7] “Bible Gateway Passage: 2 Timothy 1:7 – New King James Version,” Bible Gateway, accessed February 23, 2023, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Timothy%201%3A7&version=NKJV.
About the Author
Esther Edwards
Esther has served in ministry leadership for over 35 years. She is an ordained minister, an ICF and CCLC certified coach, and licensed coach trainer. Her and her husband have launched their own coaching practice, Enjoy the Journey Leadership Coaching and seek to train ministry leaders in the powerful skill of coaching. Esther loves hiking, reading, and experiencing new coffee shops with friends and family. She enjoys the journey with her husband, Keith, their four daughters, sons-in-law, and their five beautiful grandchildren.11 responses to “The Calm, Strong Edge of Leadership”
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Hi Esther, I really like the question you posed, “Are there greater things to learn regarding what a generation has gone through and how it affects them emotionally?” I hear the generational stories of my parents and grandparents who navigated immigration, the depression, and World War II, and how they were impacted emotionally. It makes me wonder about the impact of Covid 19, the economy, disruptions to education, and ongoing global conflicts on this current generation and how leadership will change and evolve having gone through these experiences. But it also makes me wonder about what impacts my generation emotionally. Somehow it is easier to identify it in past generations and make projections onto future generations. What challenges do you see as impacting our generation?
Jenny,
Ah we are the wonderful baby boomers! In the book, “Sticking Points” that I mentioned in my post, Shaw mentioned that the ghost stories of our generation were 1) The boom of babies (of course!), 2) Affluence, 3)Television, and 4)The Generation Gap. I thought Shaw was on target with his description of each. I believe the greatest challenge of these four was affluence. It had us think that we had to give everything to our children and shield them from hard times. It also caused us to feel we could do it all. Edwin H. Friedman definitely saw this as a pitfall when he mentioned that children thrive more if they are not central to their parent’s salvation (p. 9) in other words the kdis are not the center of the parent’s universe.
Our family went through a very difficult time in 2007- 2012 where, due to the recession, and the unwise purchase of a home, we had to dig out of much debt. One day when I was crying out to the Lord for wisdom, he very clearly said “I am using this to train your children how to live with less.” I realized that because we had always had all we needed, I hardly ever said no to them regarding things they wanted. During that season, we learned to budget and they learned to truly be grateful for every small item or piece of clothing we were able to purchase. Today, they all have a greater savy regarding handling money than I did at that age.
Thank you for posing the question. . . Are there greater things to learn regarding what a generation has gone through and how it affects them emotionally? It would be interesting to map out events on a timeline (one probably already exists) with layers showing the ideologies, trends and cultural shifts that have happened during those times and then popular emotional and spiritual reactions to those events . . . similar to the the activity that author Alicia Britt Chole offers to readers in her book: 40 Days of Decrease. The activity has readers create a layering timeline of their pilgrimage with Jesus.
I have been following the Asbury outpouring. My daughter is a junior there and has been sharing the experience with us. It was so refreshing to see so many young adults, who most likely didn’t have a graduation or prom, and spent some of their high school experience during a global pandemic and cultural upheavel, worship the Lord with a fresh filling of His spirit.
Yes! That would be a fascinating research quest.
You mentioned Alicia Britt Chole and her book. I was able to go through her mentoring program in 2015 and was truly so impacted by the journey. She continues to be a friend and mentor and is the one who told me about George Fox. Her layered approach to seeing one’s spiritual journey through all the seasons of life is truly such a powerful tool for spiritual growth.
By the way, how wonderful that your daughter is at Asbury! It is amazing to see the work the Holy Spirit is doing to heal the deep, emotional voids that took root in the wake of Covid and the chaos that ensued. He is so faithful to meet each generation at the point of their need if they allow Him to.
Ester this statement was so powerful, you wrote:
“We need to take the helm once again with calm confidence and lead with God’s authority and guidance.” Yes, that’s exactly it. Thank you for naming it. With so many conflicting views and opinions it is so important to remain faithful to what God has called us to do. Leadership is not just about action, but it is also about listening and understanding when to follow.
Jonita – Listening is so important and yet isn’t it sometimes the hardest thing to do as a leader when there seems to be so much on our plates? Dr. Gail Johnson in her book, “All There”, states “Courage, like faith, is a byproduct of listening.”(p. 9) It takes an intentional slowing down to be attentive to what the Lord is saying. Thank goodness God sees and honors our efforts and loves us in the trial and error of it all. I’m curious. What helps you listen to the voice of the Spirit?
I appreciated reading your post because you approached Friedman very differently than I did. You mentioned the ghosts of previous and current generations. Our eyes were certainly opened to that in a new way when we moved to Europe. The legacy of World Wars I and II are felt in an entirely different way here, even by people my age and younger. Maybe it comes from the ongoing physical reminders (not to mention those that remain unseen) that are all around us.
This train of thought made me wonder two things. How will the societal shifts of the past 10 or so years shape future generations? I’m thinking of things like the Black Lives Matters and the MeToo Movements. I’m sure there are many other examples we could explore, but those are the first two that come to mind.
Secondly, I would be curious to hear from those who have lived in Asia or other cultures what are the significant historical events that continue to shape everyday thinking and life in their countries?
Kim,
I love the questions you pose back to me. You are truly a gifted thinker.
My parents lived through World War 2 and spoke of so many experiences that truly shaped their thinking and how they lived. Extreme poverty shaped how my father, in particular, viewed life. He saw every thing as a gift and became so generous throughout his lifetime.
You are so right. It will be interesting to see how all that we have been through in the last few years will play out emotionally in the long run in this generation.. It is truly such an opportunity for the church to present the hope of the gospel so that tough experiences can be reframed for greater emotional and spiritual health.
THANK YOU for the Hadyn Shaw reference. I hadn’t heard of that book but will now access Sticking Points in as relevant material for my NPO!!
So glad! It was recommended to me by a business leader in one of my one-on-one interviews. Looking forward to see how your research evolves.
Hi Esther! Thank you for your brilliant post.
Friedman emphasizes on focus responsibility more than empathy. Maybe we can explore further more, how far we can use empathy in our leadership?
Also, in what situation we can/can’t use empathy?