A Bubble off Plumb…Raising a Hikikomori.
This book was hard to read. It was a dagger in my heart as a mom of 3 teenage boys. What Jonathan Haidt wrote in his book The Anxious Generation was not surprising or new information for me. I believe my husband and I have been struggling with this addiction to screen time since our boys were little. I am an anxious parent, and I am fully aware of how that is passed down to the generation I’m raising. I want to explain my problem with this book and maybe talk about how screens helped us. I won’t say Jonathan Haidt is wrong, but I am also grateful for screens.
Cause
When speaking about my family, I call us “A bubble off plumb.” For those of you who are unaware of a level tool used in home improvement, there is a bubble right in the middle to show when you are even level. So I call us a bubble off plumb (center level line) because we look pretty “normal.” Still, we are, in actuality, slightly “off.” My kids have given me a run for my figuratively and literally money regarding parenting. My oldest is on the Autism Spectrum, with moderate severity. My second son had epilepsy the first year of his life (now no longer valid; he outgrew it), and my third son has been diagnosed with ADHD. I’m tired and anxious; parenting has been earned for my husband and me. It’s a lot. I know a lot of families who have it a lot worse, but we also have not had it easy.
Having our first child on the Autism Spectrum has challenged all we set out to do as parents, which included “no screens.” Our son poured all of his attention into watching Thomas the Tank Engine. He memorized all of the trains by age two and started using phrases from the TV show in conversations appropriately. He is almost 18 and has an extensive Thomas the Tank Engine collection. If we let our oldest watch screens to help him, it became harder and harder to parent with different rules with young toddlers.
My son spends all his time in his room of his choice. He is not on social media, and he is not gaming, but he is surrounded by his screens and the stories he loves. “Stories teach us about who we are, so the more storytelling there is, the more we feel we have a place in the world.”[1] The stories of Thomas the Tank Enginesaved him, but is he at risk of becoming a hikikomori? “Boys are at greater risk than girls of “failure to launch.” They are likelier to become young adults who are ‘Not in Education, Employment or Training.’ Some Japanese men developed an extreme form of lifelong withdrawal to their bedrooms; they are called hikikomori.” [2]
Autism is a wicked problem. Many want to cure Autism, and many don’t. Even that is a wicked problem. “The first case of Autism appeared in the U.S. in 1943. Before then, it was completely unknown. Somehow, by 2009, it was a worldwide problem, with one and a half million recognized cases in the United States alone. Something has to be causing this!” [3] So many books on Autism and research on the causes of autism have been explored, such as emotionally frozen mothers, vaccines, toxins, and genetics. I suppose the truth is all in there, making it a wicked problem. “ As there is no single cause for a wicked problem, there is no finite set of possible solutions. In other words, attempting to solve a wicked problem can never be exhausted.” [4]
Conclusion
I’m anxious. I don’t know how to escape that, but I feel justified. I have it for a reason. I don’t fear the past but feel anxious about my boy’s future. “The DSM-5-TR defines fear as ‘the emotional response to real or perceived threat, whereas anxiety is anticipation of future threat’.” [5] Haidt states, “The cure for such parental anxiety is exposure.” [6] As I read the chapter on boys ages 13-18 and the chapter on what Parents can do now, I am grateful that he gave fundamental ideas on changing the trajectory of anxious parenting.
“Seven suggestions for parents to reduce overprotection in the real world and encourage more productive off-base adventures.
- Practice letting your kids out of your sight without them having a way to reach you.
- Encourage sleepovers, and don’t micromanage them.
- Encourage walking to school in a group.
- After school is for free play.
- Go camping.
- Find a sleepaway camp with no devices and safetyism.
- Form child-friendly neighborhoods and playborhoods.”[7]
We can manage a few of these, even if we have a hikikomori on our hands and we stay “a bubble off of Plumb.” I kind of like it there.
[1] Poole, Eve. Robot Souls: Programming in Humanity. (London, CRC Press, 2024)Pg. 104
[2] Haidt, Jonathan. The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing and Epidemic of Mental Illness. (New York, Penguin Press, 2024) Pg. 196
[3] Silva, Louisa. Qigong Massage for your Child with Autism. (London, Singing Dragon, 2011) Pg 116
[4] Bentley, Joseph and Toth, Michael. Exploring Wicked Promblems: What They are and Why They are Important. (Indiana, Archway Publishing, 2020) pg. 22.
[5] Haidt, Pg 26-27
[6] Ibid, Pg. 275
[7] Ibid, Pg. 272-274
About the Author
Jana Dluehosh
Jana serves as a Spiritual Care Supervisor for Signature Hospice in Portland, OR. She chairs the corporate Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Belonging committee as well as presents and consults with chronically ill patients on addressing Quality of Life versus and alongside Medical treatment. She has trained as a World Religions and Enneagram Spiritual Director through an Anam Cara apprenticeship through the Sacred Art of Living center in Bend, OR. Jana utilizes a Celtic Spirituality approach toward life as a way to find common ground with diverse populations and faith traditions. She has mentored nursing students for several years at the University of Portland in a class called Theological Perspectives on Suffering and Death, and has taught in the Graduate Counseling program at Portland Seminary in the Trauma Certificate program on Grief.10 responses to “A Bubble off Plumb…Raising a Hikikomori.”
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HI Jana,
Please stop jumping on Tim’s bed. Hmmm…correct that, thanks for jumping on Tim’s bed with me. I am addicted to free play!
Pam Lau told me that God is not surprised by the internet.
My mind flashed back to Genesis 11:6 The LORD said, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.
Then I thought about a hard wood tree. One person harvests the fruit for 20 years feeding family and friends, when the tree dies the farmer makes a plow, One, a Soldier, takes the wood and makes a shaft for a spear. Somewhere in the tree’s life there were children climbing, children swinging, and teen agers smooching in the cool shade.
God created man and the tree. With free will he gave us, we are challenged, tempted, connected by social media. Pluses? I interact with Europe and Africa daily on social media. Minuses? Well Haidt spells that out.
Consider the gun, like social media useful or deadly.
That’s all I got.
Shalom
Hi, Jana,
I can’t imagine the exhaustion of managing a household of boys with autism, epilepsy and ADHD in the mix. You have had your share of trauma as a mom. I remember you saying you were a 7 on the enneagram. What a gift! I’m sure laughter has been a healing balm in the midst of it all.
Regarding the book, since you are still in the thick of parenting, did it bring more guilt and overwhelm or more resolve to continue with determination?
Thank you Esther. Thankfully the epilepsy is a past issue now, but all 3 of my children have had stuff. I do appreciate being a 7 on the enneagram. I think I bring balance to this household and one thing I do really well, and it a big part of why my Husband loves me is that I can laugh at myself. I don’t really get too embarassed (there are times) but I think life is kind of funny, absurd, beautiful and hard and it all belongs! Thanks for naming that Esther:)
Jana, hopefully you were able to read Tim Clark’s post this week. Tim…if you see this…read Jana’s post this week.
You both are in similar spaces and are sharing deeply personally and challenging snipets from your life and family. My heart goes to you. I am grateful for your vulnerability, because you are not alone. There are many that are facing similar family scenarios. I sincerely desire to commit this to prayer, for the next 4-5 days. I don’t want to overcommit, nor paint the picture of a robust prayer life. It actually sucks, the flesh is weak. But I will be praying.
You are seen and loved.
Hey John,
Thanks, i will always take prayers. A lot of what I talked about feels like everyday. Some days are super hard, some are absurdly funny, some are traumatic but a lot are just ordinary (our kind of ordinary). Having neurodivergent children was very difficult when we were church goers. I’ve had my oldest son’s hand slapped at church for reaching for a cookie on the table, I’ve had a child absolutely lose it in the back of the church while my husband was trying to preach and was almost in tears watching me in the back struggling by myself. My same son came up crying from sunday school because he was 8 and couldn’t tie his shoes yet. I got a verbal “how could you let this go on” type of lecture, and “i can help teach him”. I was rip roarin mad and spoke to the pastors about how this is absolutely unacceptable ( which led to an autism professional coming in to train all the children volunteers ). I was grateful for that appropriate response. Anyway, it’s another layer of the “church” thing for me.
I appreciate the prayers, and I appreciate that you see and that you can be aware of the parents who are raising a bubble off plumb family in your church 🙂
Jana, your post is a pillar of encouragment for me. I’d love to (hopefully) encourage you.
Being a ‘bubble off plumb’ (GREAT concept) is a wonderful place to be. So many thinkers and artists and creatives and leaders and contrarians who challenge and change the world spring from that reality.
There are real benefits to the ‘ab-normal’ my family has experienced. The other side of the coin is that we sometimes grieve the places where “normal” may never be the case. We look at our friends who’s kids all seem to be doing well and wonder if we’ll ever feel that way.
Those thoughts will come, but hang in there. You are helping to shape, through intentionality, some very special humans who may look different than others but who are very needed in our world.
Parenting that is a huge job. But you got this! Just kow on the crappiest days that the cost is worth it and that you aren’t alone.
And yes, thank GOD for screens and media used well, and for Thomas the Tank Engine!!!
Thank you Tim. I do feel encouraged by you, thank you. Know I am praying and holding space for you and your family too. I’m not sure everyone has it all together like it seems. I think we all walk around faking it and too scared to be vulnerable. Tim, I respect you sooooo much. I can’t wait to meet your wife, because you both are just amazing. Vulnerability is a gift to us all, and your vulnerability is powerful. Thank you for being my friend Tim.
Jana,
Thank you for sharing your love for your three boys and the daily of challenges you have faced. I am so sorry to hear about those things that happened to you and your family in the church setting. I’m so sorry. I hear you. It greatly disturbs me when I hear stories of the “church” not being the “bride” it is called to be. Praying courage, stamina and strength for you, Mom of three amazing boys made in the image of God.
PS – On another note, Friday night I planned a training for our Kid Zone team, bringing in a local ASD service provider who I am friends with. The team enjoyed a catered Mediterranean dinner and a great presentation on how we can better love and minister to our ASD children and their families. We have a handful of children with ASD and an equal handful of adults with ASD in our faith community. The presenter helped our team understand how students with ASD interact with the world and how we can help them experience God. Thanks for sharing your perspective as a parent of a child with ASD.
Hi Jana,
I enjoyed reading your writing. The analysis and experiences you wrote significantly enriched my knowledge as a parent with three sons with their conditions.
Let me know more by asking you if you and your husband currently allow the use of social media for your children. If so, how do you and your husband communicate to your children about the positive and negative impacts? Thank you.
Jana,
Thank you for sharing your story and giving us insight into your parenting journey. I appreciate you giving us another perspective on technology and how it can help. BTW…My son and I saw EVERY SINGLE episode of Thomas the Train and still refer to them.
I am praying for you as you continue to navigate your parenting path. You are loved and cared for deeply.