Imaginative Non-Anxious Emotional Leadership
Is it ironic that Friedman’s opening assertion that in America today we have a leadership crisis and that there are forces attempting to sabotage leaders, caused a certain amount of anxiety to develop inside me? Perhaps not, because maybe that is who I am as a leader. Friedman reminds me that I need to constantly get back on the path of differentiation and take responsibility for myself and my leadership. What a great book! I was really shocked and sadden to read that Friedman died in 1996 before he could finish this book. I would have loved to read his completed final chapters. Because many of my pastor friends have Generation to Generation on their shelves and reluctantly, if not embarrassingly, admit to me that they haven’t read it, I was even more excited to read this last work of Friedman. It did not disappoint.
Leadership as an Imaginative Non-Anxious Presence
A few years back as I was putting together our annual Hub Marriage Retreat I got into an argument with a person who felt like she should be asked to speak because she had been married for the longest of all the retreat attenders. Because she is a poor public communicator I encouraged her to practice a “ministry of presence” for the weekend. Friedman writes that I was able to make up this phrase because during this heated discussion I maintained a non-anxious emotionally present presence with her and was able to function at my strength as a leader and even overcome some “equator” thinking and use my imagination to communicate a ministry paradigm shift. In her eyes, the most important people attending the retreat were going to be the speakers. I was able to help her re-imagine that the strengths of her marriage could be shared in other ways during the weekend by “showing-up” and “just being emotionally present.” Crisis averted. It was a rare moment for me a few years ago that I did not fail to have nerve.
I am writing this blog as I am finishing up grades for this first 10-week term of school. “Doing” grades is the most dreaded part of teaching for most educators. I actually hate it. Yesterday a student turned in her final essay. It is word-for-literal-word of an incredible essay that I just graded. Plagiarized! I confront the students and get the scoop. As I already knew, one student copied her friend’s essay. I am feeling like a differentiated strong leader as I explain to her that this means she is going to fail U.S. History A. The pats on my back only last so long though as she leaves crying to her counselor.
Enter the Triangle
It wasn’t five minutes before the counselor came to me to “discuss” what could be done. I allowed myself to be triangulated. I hate stress. I hate failure. I hate seeing youth completely dejected and filled with no hope. Teaching and pastoring involves helping people and caring for people, and healing people, and discipling people. The insecure questions started in my mind. What kind of teacher am I if I don’t allow her to rewrite the essay? What kind of pastor am I if I don’t give her grace? I cave. I give in. I tell myself it’s because I care and I am a good teacher. Friedman tells me it’s because I can’t handle the tension in the triangle and I need to reorient myself in the path of differentiation.
Taking Responsibility
Grades are due in an hour. I just explained to the counselor and the student that she has earned a fail in my class. I am learning to “own” my own stuff and I want to be the type of teacher who teaches responsibility and the pride that comes with self-ownership and maturity. Reaching this point was difficult and took a tremendous amount of energy. I now know why Friedman states that leadership is about energy and emotion. I am emotionally tired knowing that administration is angry with me and our school just lost a few “external measuring” points because yet another student failed a class. In so many people’s eyes, this makes our school look bad.
Bivocational Pastors
My research is on how my tribe cares for and supports bivocational pastors. I am going to include this book in my bibliography for my academic essay this term. What I have learned so far is that fellow bivocational pastors absolutely must pursue self-knowledge and differentiation and the type of leadership Friedman calls for in this book. Planting a church with another full-time job is almost the ultimate practice in anti-quick fix. Bivocational pastors need a strong amount of nerve. Secondly, it is refreshing to read in Friedman that successful leadership is not all about data and following the “experts.” Both my chosen professions thrive on data and technique. A Failure of Nerve frees me from these two pre-new-world-medieval ways of thinking. This freedom, like the kind that Paul says comes with Christ, allows me to focus on my strengths and pursue becoming the leader God has called (and gifted me) to be.
About the Author
Aaron Peterson
I am a working priest which means that I am a husband(to Lisa), dad(to four wonderful children), senior pastor and church planter(The Hub Vineyard Church), and high school social studies teacher(Verdugo Hills High School LAUSD). I am currently working towards a DMIN in Leadership & Global Perspectives @George Fox Seminary.8 responses to “Imaginative Non-Anxious Emotional Leadership”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Aaron,
What a great story!! I hate it when I have to disappoint a students but I have to also face the fact that failure during school has some guard rails around it that does give another try. Life doesn’t always afford us that luxury. I love it that you had nerve. As I was reading this book I realised that some of the moments when I had nerve are never seen by other people and I have to give myself applause or accolades for what I have done. So self praise for doing the hard thing and having “presence.” I have discovered that I am okay with that. As I have matured I don’t need for that to come from someone else. Sometimes just knowing is the reward. How are you doing on that front in the classroom and in the pulpit? Great words my friend.
Kevin
Hi Kevin. Thanks for these thoughts and questions. It reminds me of how Friedman reminds us how isolating leadership can be…and feel. I too, like you, have learned to give myself a private pat on the back once in a while. Like most things, I go through times where I am good at this and times when I struggle. For me, this brings the issues of self-care and soul-care to the forefront of leadership. We need to figure out how to care for our selves and our souls.
AP,
Great. I truly believe this, “Bivocational pastors need a strong amount of nerve.” What are some areas in your ministry where you had to have “nerve” to lead?
Jason
Hey Jason, since London/Oxford? Everything and in every way. Part of nerve is patience and avoiding the “quick fix.” As a bivocational pastor I want to fix things quickly and efficiently. I am finding it takes a lot of nerve to wait and come to grips with the fact that certain things are not going to be fixed quickly….or even ever.
Aaron,
I love the title of your blog. You seem to have a good handle on Friedman’s leadership principles and actually have had the nerve to put his theoretical approaches into practice first hand as a bi-vocational leader. I commend your strong, decisive stance in both contexts. It must have been difficult for you emotionally to give the student the “F” grade and not buckle in to empathy, in spite of the student’s histrionics and the disdain of school administrators even though you were acting within the confines of school policy.
Friedman says, “For whether we are considering a family, a work system, or an entire nation, the resistance that sabotages a leader’s initiative usually has less to do with the “issue” that ensues than with the fact that the leader took initiative.” (P.3) Therefore, Friedman’s emphasis is on “strength, not pathology; on challenge, not comfort; and self-differentiation, not herding for togetherness.” (p.2)
I would just say God Bless and remain faithful to truth in Him!
Thank you so much for this encouragement Claire. I’ll take it! I am wrestling with that statement that it’s about strength and not pathology. I think I agree with that so I am asking for strength.
Aaron,
I’m fascinated that you use a public school context to frame Friedman’s principles. Hearing from my wife of the many weaknesses of public school district leaders, as I began reading “Failure of Nerve,” one of my first impulses was to run to the district office and hand the book to the assistant school superintendent.
Have you been impacted by failure of never by your principals and district leaders? How has that shown itself?
Aaron,
Great blog. One of the new terms I learned in ministry over the last two years was “scoreboard.” I didn’t know that was important in church because I thought it was our effectiveness in the community. You stated that “Bivocational pastors need a strong amount of nerve.” I believe this statement is true because I’ve had to work secular jobs while pursuing seminary degrees. When those challenging moments occur, you often have several thoughts going on in your head. Will our degrees answer these questions? What will our degrees accomplish?
Garfield