Written by: Shela Sullivan on November 26, 2025

Friedman and Walker: Touching the Inner Life

Edwin Friedman’s concept of self-differentiation has touched me most deeply in the realm of anxiety. His insistence that leaders must resist being consumed by the emotional processes of others resonates with my tendency to absorb communal tension. As Friedman notes, “The way out requires shifting our orientation…from one that focuses on techniques that motivate others to one that focuses on the leader’s own presence and being” (Friedman 2007, 4). Simon Walker’s undefended leadership challenges my instinct to build protective defenses when criticized. His invitation to lead out of authenticity, rather than armor, exposes my growth edge: the courage to remain open even when vulnerable. Walker writes, “Leadership is about who you are, not what you know or what skills you have” (Walker 2007, 5–6).

A Recent Leadership Situation

Recently, in a professional meeting where I presented a proposal for streamlining procurement processes, colleagues raised concerns about its feasibility. Instead of reacting defensively, I paused, acknowledged their perspectives, and thanked them for engaging critically. By clarifying my vision without over-explaining, I kept the conversation constructive. This approach reduced my anxiety and opened space for collaboration, as colleagues offered suggestions that strengthened the proposal.

Guidance from Friedman and Walker

Friedman would remind me that self-differentiation means staying connected without being emotionally fused: “It is only when leaders value self that they can prevent it from being eroded by the chronic anxiety of a society in regression” (Friedman 2007, 5). Walker’s model of undefended leadership encourages absorbing criticism without retreating into self-protection: “Undefended leaders are free of the need to dominate, conquer, oppress, consume, acquire—because they are free within themselves” (Walker 2007, 9). Together, these frameworks guide me toward a more centered, non-anxious presence.

Thresholds of the Soul

Henri Nouwen’s wounded healer has been a threshold concept for me. His insistence that our own wounds can become sources of healing reframes weakness as a doorway to ministry: “In our own woundedness, we can become a source of life for others” (Nouwen 1972, 93). Likewise, Ronald Heifetz’s notion of adaptive leadership—that leaders must mobilize people to face loss and change, has shifted how I see conflict. Heifetz distinguishes between technical and adaptive challenges, noting that adaptive work requires “constantly learning about value conflicts that different team members hold” (Heifetz 1994, 103–105). These ideas mark inner crossings: from seeing anxiety as failure to recognizing it as an invitation to deeper authenticity.

Evolution of Leadership Identity

Intellectually, my leadership has evolved from seeking technical fixes to embracing adaptive challenges (Heifetz 1994, 71–73). Emotionally, I have grown in resilience, learning to hold tension without collapsing into defensiveness. Spiritually, I now see leadership as a vocation rooted in humility and service, where wounds and wisdom intertwine. The integration of Friedman’s clarity, Walker’s openness, Heifetz’s adaptive lens, and Nouwen’s spiritual depth has reshaped my identity into one that is more holistic and grounded.

Emerging Thresholds

I sense new thresholds emerging in generational leadership. As I develop my NPO—5.4.1. Cultivating Cross Generational Leaders model for Millennials and Gen‑Z, I recognize the need to trust younger voices and collaborative processes. This threshold requires courage to release control and embrace co‑creation.

Practice for Calm and Presence

Several practices sustain me amid pressure: contemplative prayer, journaling, and trusted peer relationships. These disciplines help me remain present and undefended, reminding me that leadership is not about proving worth but embodying presence.

Integration of Identity and Vocation

This integrated way of understanding myself—intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, deeply influences my vocation. It calls me to lead not from anxiety or defense, but from a centered identity that embraces both strength and vulnerability. My leadership calling today is to cultivate spaces where others can cross their own thresholds of growth, drawing on wisdom that is both academic and spiritual.

Reflection and Critical-Reflective Commentary

The interplay of Friedman’s self-differentiation and Walker’s undefended leadership challenges me to resist both fusion and defense. Heifetz situates my work within the reality of change, while Nouwen reframes vulnerability as vocation. Critically, I recognize the tension between Friedman’s emphasis on differentiation and Walker’s call to openness. One risks detachment, the other risks exposure. Yet together, they form a paradoxical balance: clarity without rigidity, openness without collapse. This dialectic is precisely the crucible in which my leadership is being refined.

Friedman, Edwin H. A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. 10th Anniversary Edition. New York: Seabury Books, 2007.

Friedman, 4.

Walker, Simon P. The Undefended Leader: Leading Out of Who You Are. Carlisle: Piquant Editions, 2007.

Walker, 5-6.

Friedman, 5.

Nouwen, Henri J. M. The Wounded Healer: Ministry in Contemporary Society. New York: Doubleday, 1972.

Nouwen, 93.

Heifetz, Ronald A. Leadership Without Easy Answers. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1994.

Heifetz, 103-105.

Heifetz, 71-73.

About the Author

Shela Sullivan

Born and raised on the vibrant Penang Island in Malaysia, I cherish the Malaysian greeting, “Mari Makan!!” which reflects the warmth of shared meals. Since 1996, I have called Oregon my home enjoying the raindrops and the serenity of its beaches. The ocean connects me to nature and energizes me. I am a Wife - Mentor - Traveling Pastor - Sourcing Manager Construction. Favorite Bible Verse: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~ Psalm 37:4~ I reside with my husband, David and our fur-baby Rolo. We share passions for travelling, culture, diverse cuisines, home improvements, classic cars and laughter.