My Leadership Lesson: Dedicated to My Mother.
Introduction
Those that are involved in leadership role that are not healed themselves, are more likely to lead their followers in a negative way. My father left our family to be with the Lord before I became a teenager. I was mostly raised by mother with the grace of God. I also have two uncles that contributed to help raising me in which my mother thought that it would be a good idea so I could learn to be a man in our culture. They were well-respected in the community and hard-working and caring for the family as well. Each had their own way of caring and training. My older uncle liked to interact with us the kids by showing us how to do things, screaming at us when he was not happy or when we made mistakes. But the younger uncle had a mean look and harsh tone of voice, hardly talked and we took him seriously. His method was, he let us figure things out by ourselves. After graduating from High School, my mother sent me to an institute for training Micronesian pastors (Micronesian Institute of Biblical Studies now called Pacific Island University). Her thought was that I needed to be morally grounded, but behind it, she was praying for me to have a relationship with the Lord, which she confessed later. I looked back over my earlier years after reading, just to ask myself this question, ‘In what areas that I needed to be healed so that I do not negatively impact or lead my followers?’
Our Brokenness Affect How We lead
Even with all that my beloved mother had done by doing best to raise me and my siblings by all the sacrifices as she made sure we had food, home and education, I still felt the absence of my father. I felt that brokenness within me. And I felt so bad that my mother has to carry all of those burdens. According to Rowe, the way a leader leads is connected to what experienced through brokenness/trauma; therefore, it is essential to know and to understand know what formed us as Christian leaders.[1] Several pastors and leaders within the Micronesian communities have been characterized as unsensitive, immature, offensive, or unqualified leaders by their followers. It could be for various reasons, possibly connected to a need for healing. As I reflect on my formative years, I seek to understand what shaped my subconscious leadership style.
Regardless of how my mother had tried her very best to raise us, there were still gaps that could had been filled if my father had been alive. I got envious of other kids’ toys, gadgets, brand clothes and shoes; my thoughts were always started with, “if my father was here.” Looking back I felt so bad to see myself being selfish and not seeing the self-less sacrifice that my mother had made. I loved and cared for my mother so much, but somehow and somewhere within me, there was this grief of my father’s absence. Sometimes, my mother in her own way had to remind us that “we don’t have our father any longer;” it didn’t but, built resentment. As I am sharing this, I am both acknowledging and recognizing the dysfunction of how I related. Since acknowledgment is the starting point, I hope this will lead to a path of healthier leadership style.
The importance of Relationship to Leadership
I have several pastor friends that are so closed either due to familial ties, or former classmates through the pastoral trainings, and others that I have known through serving in the ministry that understands the importance of building relationship with their congregations. Some build relationship through being authoritative as the pastor, is the leader in the church, while others build relationship by bringing themselves ‘down’ as a friends, not just a pastor.
One important take away that I now learn from this reading is that whatever lies in your past along the path taken will have affect on your leadership, or leadership style. It may be for the good and it may be for the worst. It is up to a leader to seek it out and deal with it. In this context, it may be healing the ‘harmed heart.’[2] Lastly, I would like to end with this phrase, “When you forgive, you heal. When you let go, you grow.”[3]
[1] Rowe, Nicholas; Rowe, Sheila Wise; Wise Rowe, Sheila. Healing Leadership Trauma: Finding Emotional Health and Helping Others Flourish (pp. 7-8). InterVarsity Press. Kindle Edition.
[2] Ibid (pg. 78).
[3] Ibid (pg. 118).
About the Author
Noel Liemam
7 responses to “My Leadership Lesson: Dedicated to My Mother.”
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Thank you for sharing this Noel. Your blog highlights how unhealed wounds quietly shape leadership. As you continue recognising and healing these formative gaps, what specific practices or relationships have most helped you lead from a place of wholeness rather than brokenness?
Hello, Mr. Barrett, thank you for your comment. while healing could take longer or shorter depending on the severity of the situation, (personally) these three steps are essential which are, recognizing, acknowledging, and giving it to God – then healing comes. Thanks again, Glyn.
Thank you for this Noel! You noted “Some build relationship through being authoritative as the pastor, is the leader in the church, while others build relationship by bringing themselves ‘down’ as a friends, not just a pastor.” In your context which one works best and why?
Hi, Mr. Jaime, thank you for your comment. Traditionally, being authoritative as being a pastor was well-received since the pastor was ‘looked-upon’ as the one that represent the Almighty. But later when the preaching of God’s judgment is balanced with love and grace, the pastoral vocation is understood as ‘one-of-us’ that was called to relay God’s word. Thank you again, Daren.
Noel,
Thank you for your transparency. I know several people who have experienced fatherlessness either through death or divorce. I’ve seen the impact that it can have. It does sound like your mother tried her best to provide you with both manly and Godly influences. What is one thing as a father that you are doing differently than what your mom or uncles did?
Hi, Mr. Styer, thank you for your comment. Yes, I am grateful to my mother for being there for me and her prayers. My uncles were ‘only-uncles,’ I am grateful to them as well for imparting on me skills. One thing that I would like to have with my children, especially my son is to be there for him as a father which would basically be to spend time with him. Thanks again, Jeff.
Hi Noel,
Thank you for sharing your story.
Yes, I agree, “When you forgive, you heal. When you let go, you grow.”
I have a general question for you:
The authors emphasize the importance of emotional health in leadership. What practices or disciplines from the book stood out to you as most effective for cultivating emotional resilience?