A Pastor, A Trauma, A Resignation
This past month, I was notified that a prominent pastor in our region announced he was stepping down at the end of the year. This pastor, approaching his mid-40s, is well-loved and has garnered tremendous respect within his congregation and community. His announcement sparked a wave of speculation as to the reason for his departure. As he would later disclose the reason for his departure, even more eyebrows would raise when he revealed isolation as the primary cause. This pastor, married with three children, revealed that although he leads a growing congregation of 300+, he has felt the weight of isolation in his pastoral work over the last 10 years and feels that he can best experience spiritual community outside of both pastoral leadership and ministry. When we connected just a few days ago at an event, he shared in more detail some of the hidden factors behind his shocking decision. At the core, he had been burned and taken advantage of spiritually, emotionally, and financially several times, and his most recent experience had become the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Accounts such as these are all too familiar, as leadership trauma is a silent killer in the ranks of clergy and beyond. Nicholas and Sheila Wise Rowe in their book Healing Leadership Trauma. The couple writes from both psychological and pastoral experience, in their personal diagnosis of this widespread issue, leadership trauma, unpacking the cumulative stress, betrayal, and burnout experienced while leading others. The Rowes argue that unresolved pain in leaders does not simply disappear; it leaks into organizational dynamics, decision-making, and relationships. Most of us believe that somehow we can fix it, make it better, or respond differently, causing the person or situation to change. [1]
As I think of my conversation with my soon-retiring young pastoral colleague, he also shared with me how he walked in this deep, dark space for years, but remained highly functional, highlighting another point in Rowe’s book, how leadership trauma thrives in isolation. They note many pastors and executives feel they must bear burdens privately, fearing judgment or job loss. They are also described as an inner vow of sorts; inner vows may seem harmless, but they are promises that become a self-fulfilling prophecy that harms more than protects. [2]
However, operating from this place of secrecy perpetuates pain. Unhealed wounds become the silent architects of our leadership patterns.” In their healing prescription, the couple advocates for a safe community of trusted companions who can reflect truth and grace. They write, Isolation protects pain; connection transforms it. [3] As I talked about this upcoming blog with a ministerial colleague, a thought they shared which resonated with the both of us was how healing is not a private luxury but a vocational necessity.
There is a need for shepherds to walk in their authority as wounded healers. If I reflect upon my formative training when entering the ministry, one of our instructors hammered through our heads how egregious it is for pastors to bleed out on their congregations. He would go on to say, the only blood a congregation should see when they come to church is the atoning sacrifice Jesus paid for our sins. One of the major themes leaders such as this pastor must weigh themselves against is calling vs. cost. As many leaders are taught to press through the pain for the sake of the mission, the Rowes cite this as an unhealthy practice, naming it spiritual denial, which often leads to addictions. The pain of our traumas and wounds to the soul becomes so great that we numb out through our addictive behaviors to function and carry on with our lives. [4]
Edwin Friedman’s A Failure of Nerve operates through a family systems theory lens but reaches a similar conclusion. Friedman’s leans in from the premise that leadership failure is not primarily a moral problem but an emotional one, through a loss of nerve in anxious systems, saying, “The most effective leaders are those who can maintain a non-anxious presence in the midst of anxious others.[5] Freidman’s prescription is similar to Rowe’s, as Friedman speaks through differentiation; leaders who define themselves clearly without cutting off relationally.
As I have thought about the plight of my pastoral colleague, my prayer is that as he transitions out of leadership, not only does he receive the community he longs for, but also the healing for his trauma. The Rowe’s warn against private coping and contend that authentic healing has three components:
safe communities
spiritual direction
relational repair
Looking at the mental and emotional state of pastors, according to the Barna Group, between January 2021 and March 2022 alone, the number of pastors who said they were considering leaving their jobs rose from 29 percent to 42 percent.[6] As of 2022, new numbers show progress, with just 35 percent of pastors saying they were “more confident” in their calling than when they started in ministry. [7] In 2023, that number dramatically grew to 51 percent, with another 39 percent saying they are “just as confident”. [8]
In my pastor’s case, he mentioned how the seminary never prepared him for this. After exploring this week’s reading, a takeaway for me is how seminaries, denominations, and even nonprofits can better equip those under their roofs in the areas of emotional intelligence and trauma-informed competencies. It may or may not have worked for him, but I am sure it would have added some heft against his heaviness.
.
[1] Nicholas Rowe, Healing Leadership Trauma: Finding Emotional Health and Helping Others Flourish, 1st ed, with Sheila Wise Rowe (InterVarsity Press, 2024), 11.
[2] Rowe and Rowe, 45.
[3] Ibid,.
[4] Rowe and Rowe, 67.
[5] Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, ed. Margaret M. Treadwell and Edward W. Beal, 10th anniversary revised edition (New York: Church Publishing, 2017)
[6] Barna Group, “New Data Shows Hopeful Increases in Pastors’ Confidence & Satisfaction,” March 6, 2024,
[7]Barna Group, “Hopeful Increases in Pastors’ Confidence & Satisfaction.”
[8] Barna Group
About the Author
Daren Jaime
5 responses to “A Pastor, A Trauma, A Resignation”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Hi Daren, what message would you give to emerging clergy? As I read your post, I thought your gifts in leadership and experiences would make you a prime candidate to teach at a seminary for emerging pastors. You have borne a lot in ministry, but have also leaned on the Almighty through it. What a voice of hope you could bring.
Daren,
Yes! The tendency for missionaries is often the same, simply isolate, grin-and-bear-it, and press-on for the sake of the gospel. Shoot, we are to be happy in our suffering as Paul says. Yes, this focus from the professor of ‘not bleeding on the congregation’ and simply to press-on is not always helpful and sometimes is harmful. Sometimes we will encounter suffering because of the gospel, but we do not need to simply suffer just because. How might you find the balance between ‘not bleeding on the congregation’ and also having an undefended stance?
Ah man, so sad that he has experienced this. It happens very often, unfortunately. In light of your colleague’s experience, what do you believe is the most urgent structural change, within seminaries, denominations, or local churches, that could genuinely prevent leaders from bleeding privately while functioning publicly?
Daren,
Sad to see a pastor being done at such a young age. I just read an article that talked about the decline in faith in the US especially among women. Our society has a long way to go in ensuring that our wounded get the help they need.
I know you have been doing a lot of work on getting youth to be involved in the church. What connects to you see with trauma and your NPO?
Hi Daren,
I enjoyed reading your post. I have a general question:
How does Rowe define leadership trauma, and in what ways did the book challenge or expand your understanding of this concept?