RARE is not Impossible
Reading Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay’s book, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, reminded me of hundreds of conversations I have had with my Muslim friends. As a Christian, I believe in absolute truth. I take Jesus literally when he says, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”[1] He is the only way to eternal life.
According to Boghossian and Lindsay, that makes me an ideologue, “one who is unwilling or unable to revise their (moral) beliefs.” [2] When it comes to salvation and a personal relationship with God, I cannot and will not change my belief. Many of my Muslim friends are equally firm in their faith. How, then, can two ideologues have a meaningful conversation? There’s a reason these are called impossible.
The book, “How to Have Impossible Conversations,” outlines tactics for progressing from beginner conversations to expert levels, ultimately addressing how to engage with those who seem immovable. From my own experience, I’ve seen that many of these methods work. What intrigued me most was the “Master Level,” which deals directly with ideologues. [3] Typically, I walk away or change the subject in these moments, but I wanted to learn how to stay engaged longer.
As I studied their ideas, I noticed how well they align with Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder’s RARE leadership habits: remain relational, act like yourself, return to joy, and endure hardship well.[4]
Boghossian and Linsay recommend five steps for dealing with ideologues:
- Acknowledge their intention and affirm their identity as a good, moral person—especially if you find their beliefs repugnant.
- Change the subject to underlying values.
- Invite a deeper conversation about those underlying values.
- Induce doubt in their moral epistemology by helping them question the way they derive their moral beliefs.
- Allow the tether between the belief and the moral epistemology to sever on its own.[5]
On paper, this seems tactical and precise, but how do I apply this in my context of real friendships with Muslims I love and respect? The first question I must ask is: why do I want them to change their beliefs? Is it to prove that I am right? Is it to show that they are wrong? Or because I long for them to know the same deep relationship that I have with Jesus? I want the last reason to be true, but if I am honest, my motives often lead toward the first two.
When my true motivation is love, “relationship” should be prioritized over tactics. Warner and Wilder stress this in RARE Leadership: 4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead: we must “remain relational.”[6] Recognizing someone as made in the image of God allows me to affirm them as a person.
Steps two and three shift the conversation to the ideologue’s beliefs and values. Here is where tension often rises. This is where I must act like myself—a person with the heart of Christ within me.[7] My identity is not defined by convincing them of my values; it is in my relationship with Jesus and living that out.
Step four is questioning how the ideologue arrived at their beliefs. This can trigger me to become defensive. As tensions rise, I must remember to return to joy and “let peace be the referee of the strong emotions.”[8]
The last step in conversations with ideologues is to allow the person to grapple with how they arrived at their moral beliefs and what they do with them now at the end of the conversation. Boghossian and Lindsay wisely warn against the challenges one will face at this level of dialogue. They conclude that if there is any movement toward change it will be in “tiny increments.”[9] Accepting these minuscule results is a way to endure hardship well.[10] A RARE leader endures hardship well by going back to the other characteristics in remaining relational, acting like oneself, and returning to joy.[11]
As I continue conversations with my Muslim friends, I hope to apply these tactics courageously, remembering to be a RARE leader, mindful of who I represent. Even the smallest movements toward truth can bring glory to God.
[1] John 14:6 New International Version.
[2] Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, Kindle ed. (Lifelong Books, 2020), 157.
[3] Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, 157.
[4] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership: 4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead (Moody Publishers, 2016), 13-14.
[5] Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, 160.
[6] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership, 123.
[7] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership, 141.
[8] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership, 159.
[9] Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, 167.
[10] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership, 175.
[11] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership, 188.
About the Author
Kari
Kari is a passionate follower of Jesus. Her journey with Him currently has her living in the Sahara in North Africa. With over a decade of experience as a family nurse practitioner and living cross-culturally, she enjoys being a champion for others. She combines her cross-cultural experience, her health care profession, and her skills in coaching to encourage holistic health and growth. She desires to see each person she encounters walk in fullness of joy, fulfilling their God-designed purpose. “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12 ESV5 responses to “RARE is not Impossible”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Kari,
Thank you for relating this to RARE leadership.
It is easy to get into the frame of mind that we must convert someone with our words. We must remind ourselves that is the job of the Holy Spirit and more often than not we are to reflect Christ through our actions in our relationships with others. I am sure that you do that well.
Besides religion, I’m thinking healthcare, are there other issues that you might fall into the category of an Idealogue?
Hi Kari,
I love your phrase, ‘My identity is not defined by convincing them of my values; it is in my relationship with Jesus and living that out.’ I too have very good Muslim friends. I have never strived to change them. Does that make me a bad ambassador for Christ? We focus on common values like kindness, justice, family, and community. It has never been a challenge for me. What difficult conversations have you had with your Muslim friends?
Kari, great connection with RARE, thank you. How do you balance being unwavering in conviction with remaining genuinely relational so that love, not debate, becomes the primary motivation driving the conversation?
Hi Kari, I appreciate how you intertwined ‘rare’ in your post and made it relational. I also resonated with your perspective on engaging the Muslim community as an outsider of sorts. Do you find the conversations in your context easy and surface level, or are many in the impossible category?
HI Kari, what stood out to me in your post was your self-reflection of your own faith juxtaposed with that of your friends. As I read it, I thought how much evangelism occurs with few words, but with actions motivated by your faith and love of Jesus and those who He loves who don’t know Him yet. I don’t have a specific question for you, but if I dare, just share that I sense a nudge to encourage you. Blessings to you, friend.