Build Bridges, Not Battles: It’s Really Not Impossible!
A few months ago, I found myself in a friendly debate with a friend about a controversial topic. Honestly, I don’t fully recall where I was trying to go with my sentiment; I just knew that I was losing my footing. My speech sped up, my responses became choppier, and before I knew it, I was talking way too fast, trying to sound smarter than I felt.
Eventually, I shut down, exhausted and frustrated at myself. Why did I struggle to express my opinion? Why did I rush to speak instead of slowing down and listening? Why did I feel so competitive?
The timing of this week’s reading, How to Have Impossible Conversations by Peter Boghossian, couldn’t be more perfect. It is full of practical ideas and scenarios; however, one idea really spoke to me: If I want to be effective, I don’t need to have the perfect argument. I need to be the kind of person someone wants to keep talking to.
The lessons in the book correlate with other topics I have been following this past year about how people learn. I especially like the Socratic method because it encourages curiosity and questioning more than offering statements.[1] When I am at my best, I remember to ask more questions and talk less. Slowly, I am becoming comfortable saying “I don’t know.” And weirdly enough, that seems to somehow make me sound more credible, not less.
Chapter two in Boghossian’s book calls the “Seven fundamentals of good conversations the perfect way to converse with anyone, from strangers to prison inmates.”[2] Ah, given my prison ministry work, he must be talking to me! The list of fundamentals is a bit more complex than Stop, Drop, and Roll, but the intent is almost the same – to keep you out of the fire!
In the book, Boghossian advises knowing your goals before you even start talking. Approach the conversation as a sort of partnership; be kind, not rude. In true Socratic style, ask questions to develop a rapport, and then listen more than you chat. Don’t shoot the messenger with preachy declarations, but rather assume the best intentions of others. And finally, when the going gets tough, walk away.[3]
In my prison ministry work, I have seen these principles bear fruit firsthand. At the root is trust. In that environment, authenticity matters, and any hint of false pretense or performance is recognized immediately as manipulation. But when I take it at a slower pace, ask genuine questions about them, and listen without rushing to respond, the tone of the room shifts. A resident once told me that what she valued most was simply being asked, “How are you holding up today?” That small act of kindness and genuine curiosity about HER life carried more weight than any lesson or devotion I could have delivered. Conversations in prison remind me that people open up not because I have all the right words to say, but because they feel heard, respected, and treated with dignity.
Edgar and Peter Schein, in Humble Leadership, define this as a “Level 2 relationship,” a shift from transactional exchanges (Level 1) to an authentic, person-to-person connection. In that space, it’s not my role or expertise that matters most, but rather the ministry of presence, to listen and risk a bit of vulnerability. That kind of humility, whether in prison or anywhere else, creates conditions for trust and transformation.
Outside of prison walls, the same values hold true. However, quite the opposite – by today’s standards, our culture rewards speed, certainty, and clever comebacks, especially on social media. The louder or quicker the response, the more attention it gets. But does anyone ever really change their mind in response to a speedy dialogue? That approach reminds me of the dreaded high-pressure, fast-talking used car salesman trying to pull one over. Yuck!
The Scheins warn that “Leaders who celebrate authority, titles, or expertise often end up isolated and ineffective.”[4] However, humble leaders build credibility by being open and honest even when it means admitting faults or saying, “I don’t know.” Boghossian and Schein agree that influence doesn’t come from having the strongest argument, but from cultivating relationships strong enough to weather disagreement.
Boghossian reminds us that “Meaningful conversations are not about proving a point but about preserving relationships.”[5] When you slow down long enough to be curious and ask thoughtful questions, you actually hold greater power as a bridge builder. If families, neighbors, and ordinary citizens practiced more humility and genuine interest in others, conversations might not be as impossible as they seem. Ultimately, both books convey the same message. Our words have less impact than the way we conduct ourselves in conversation. A humble posture that is curious, patient, and relational is the soil where genuine understanding can grow.
[1]Christensen, C. Roland, David A. Garvin, and Ann Sweet, eds. Education for Judgment: The Artistry of Discussion Leadership. Boston, Mass: Harvard Business School Press, 1991.
[2] Boghossian, Peter, and James A. Lindsay. How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide. First edition. New York: Lifelong Books, 2020. P.9.
[3] Ibid P.9
[4] Schein, Edgar H., and Peter A. Schein. Humble Leadership, Second Edition: The Power of Relationships, Openness, and Trust. Second Edition. Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2023.
[5] Ibid. P. 33
About the Author
Jennifer Eckert
Operations and fundraising director, people connector, believer in second chances, fights poverty, supports justice reform, lives a life integrated with Matthew 25.8 responses to “Build Bridges, Not Battles: It’s Really Not Impossible!”
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Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for the comparison between prison ministry and everyday dialogue that highlights the universal need for authentic human connection.
In your experience does slowing down and showing genuine curiosity in conversation lead to deeper understanding and trust, even in high-stress environments like prison?
Hi Shela,
Absolutely. In any environment – even in a prison (maybe especially in a prison) it’s important to slow down and listen more than I speak. My problem is that sometimes I forget to do the slowing down and listening part. We’re always a work in progress, right?
Hey Jennifer,
I loved when you mentioned the importance of being the kind of person others actually want to keep talking to—that really resonated with me. Do you have any personal role models you take cues from concerning impossible conversations, and what have you learned from them?
Hello there – looking forward to seeing you soon! There are several women leaders whom I have read about and admire for their resolve, confidence, and perseverance. But in terms of impossible conversations, I appreciate how measured they are in their communications. What I can see from people who irk me is what appears to be confidence (and arrogance), yet they spout total lies. I get hung up on over-measuring my thoughts/words. I want to be honest and authentic, not rushed or stammering, but confident like some of the women I’ve learned about. I have a lot to learn still – or rather, much to practice.
Hi Jennifer, Have you had conversations with the women at the prison that gave you pause to consider some aspect of your own life or ministry?
All the time, but rarely are they impossible conversations. Most often, I find myself challenged by how little faith I sometimes seem to have compared to them. Of course, that isn’t a blanket statement for everyone I meet, but I frequently find myself leaning into these women prison pastors for spiritual conversations about all sorts of things. Life inside prison very much mirrors life outside.
Jennifer, I like the Stop, Drop, and Roll analogy! 😉 I also like the connections you make to Humble Leadership.
You mention that our culture rewards speed and clever comebacks. How do you practice patience in a conversation when you feel the pressure to respond quickly?
Hi Debbie, good question. An honest answer is that I often don’t practice patience as much as I should. Years ago, I took a week-long Stephen Covey course, and baked into the lessons was the notion of mirroring the other person’s body language and even vernacular, but do so in a way that is authentic to your own way. Boy, those lessons REALLY stuck such that I find it hard to untrain and retrain my thinking.
Talking and thinking fast are not my sweet spot. I find that I fumble when attempting to do so, but if I am trying to mirror the other person, it has become so natural to me that I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I get stuck. Either my brain is a step ahead of my mouth or vice versa.
This course has really challenged me to retrain the communication style that is very natural, and I’m often praised for it, but internally, I see a lot of wrong I am still doing. I have a long way to go in this arena. Better than yesterday, not done yet.