The Hamster Wheel: How do I get off?
Since September 2024, when I decided to return to school, my days have followed a demanding rhythm. Mornings begin with waking the kids, packing lunches, getting everyone ready, and making the school drop-off, all before starting my workday by 7:30 a.m. That early start is often the only moment of peace before the flurry of meetings, requests, tasks, and planning begins. By 3 p.m., it is time to switch gears, picking up the boys from school, getting them settled at home, fed, and supported with homework. From there, it is on to worship, the bedtime routine, and then carving out a moment with my spouse before diving into school assignments. This has been my reality, a constant juggling act. I have always taken pride in my ability to multitask and balance numerous responsibilities at home and in the workplace, often without much help. However, beneath it all is a quiet pressure, the fear that if I drop the ball, I will be seen as less: less of a leader, less of a mother, less of a partner. So, I push myself to do it all.
In early February, I came down with what I assumed was just a common cold or flu. Determined not to miss any deadlines or my kids’ activities, I kept pushing through, even though I felt exhausted and overwhelmed. I began avoiding my office to escape decision-making pressure, delaying responses and deadlines because I could not focus. Deep down, I convinced myself that simply showing up in my body would be enough. After about a week, I started to feel better and attempted to return to my usual pace, only to fall sick again two weeks later, this time much worse. I was hit with fevers, chills, and a persistent cough, and yet, the mounting pressure of falling behind and losing control kept telling me to push harder.
Then, two weeks ago, while sitting at work, I found myself struggling to catch my breath. Concerned, I called my brother, who is a doctor. He urged me to go to the ER immediately. After a series of tests and bloodwork, the diagnosis came: a collapsed lung and pneumonia. When I spoke with the doctor, he asked me gently, “Are you under a lot of stress?” Then he said words that finally cut through the noise: “Your body needs rest. You need to go home, get in bed, and rest.”
As I lay in bed, finally surrendering to the rest my body so desperately needed, my mind refused to quiet down. How did I get to this point? I had been going non-stop for so long, yet somehow, I felt I was falling further behind. I could not understand why I was struggling to focus, why the tasks that once came naturally now felt so heavy. Why couldn’t I lead my team the way? Why did everything feel like too much? It felt like I was stuck on a hamster wheel, constantly moving but getting nowhere. I didn’t just want to feel productive again; I wanted to be present at work, home, and school and not feel like I was barely keeping my head above water. I wanted to feel in control again. That is when I picked up Dr. David Rock’s Your Brain at Work, and things began to make sense.
In Your Brain at Work, David Rock presents a compelling look at how a deeper understanding of our brain’s inner workings can significantly improve productivity and decision-making in the workplace. To make the science accessible and relatable, he introduces two fictional characters, Emily and Paul, who navigate everyday challenges at work. As someone who learns best through real-life examples, I found this approach refreshing. I especially connected with Emily; her experiences felt familiar and validating, particularly when Rock began to unpack the concept of reappraisal, a strategy that resonated deeply with me during this season of life lately.
Reappraisal is the intentional act of reframing a situation in order to shift its emotional impact. Rather than reacting impulsively, especially in moments of high stress or conflict, you pause, step back, and reconsider the meaning you assign to the event. Reappraisal tends to happen when uncertainty is present, when you cannot predict the outcome of a situation, an alert goes to the brain to pay more attention. That is because uncertainty feels, to the brain, like a threat to your life.[1] To illustrate this concept, Rock uses the example of Emily, who is new to her role and feeling overwhelmed by the pressure of pitching a project. Accustomed to working independently and taking the lead, Emily now finds herself in a position where success depends on planning, collaboration, and delegation. For someone who values control, the uncertainty surrounding these uncharted road maps becomes deeply unsettling, so much so that it leaves her feeling stuck and paralyzed.
The concept of reappraisal involves consciously shifting your perspective in order to influence your emotional response and, ultimately, create a better outcome. While reappraisal is typically used to foster a more positive or constructive mindset, it can also take a negative turn. David Rock highlights this through Emily’s experience at lunch, where she interprets her colleagues’ questions as criticisms of her judgment. This negative reappraisal, though subtle, has a powerful impact, reminding us that perceived threats, no matter how small, can trigger significant emotional responses. Even a minor shift in interpretation, when directed the wrong way, can intensify stress and undermine confidence. [2]
To prevent falling into negative reappraisal, Rock suggests taking the following steps: [3]
- Reinterpreting: This form of reappraisal involves shifting your initial emotional reaction to an event. It is about learning not to automatically trust that first negative gut feeling and instead pausing to consider alternative, less emotionally charged interpretations.
- Normalizing: Having an explanation for an experience can ease uncertainty and enhance one’s sense of control. Change management harnesses this principle by naming the emotional stages people commonly experience during transitions, such as denial, frustration, or anger. This helps reduce the brain’s threat response.
- Reordering: The brain organizes information in nested hierarchies, where each idea is stored in relation to others. This structure is similar to that of an organizational chart: Every mental “map” is positioned above, below, or beside other maps, creating a layered and interconnected system of meaning and association.
- Repositioning: finding a new position from which to view and analyze things.
As I read and reflected on the four types of reappraisal, I came to a humbling realization: I had fallen into the same patterns as Emily. In my effort to carry everything independently, I had avoided delegating and neglected to lean on the support of my team and even my spouse. I let the negative thoughts in my mind take hold, fueling frustration and stress and ultimately taking a toll on my physical health. Ironically, being forced to slow down and rest gave me the space to read this book, and in doing so, I began to see that I do not have to believe every critical or doubtful thought that runs through my head. I am not alone in balancing school, work, and home life. Asking for help does not make me less capable. Leaving work early to care for myself or my kids does not make me a poor employee or a bad mother. Taking time to study does not mean I am falling short elsewhere. Through this process, I have learned that by applying these four reappraisal strategies, I can shift how I respond to stress and anxiety. I can redirect that energy toward more constructive, empowering outcomes for myself and those around me.
Most importantly, as I reflected on what I had learned from this book, I began to consider the possibility of a fifth type of reappraisal I had not been practicing and, to my shame, had not embraced as a pastor. This is the reappraisal of Jesus and the profound impact He has had on my life. He has declared that I am worthy, His child, and His love and grace cover me daily. Yet, I often forget this truth. Instead of leaning into the love and grace He has so freely given, I find myself being harsh and destructive toward myself and sometimes others. When we truly grasp and accept His unconditional love for us, we begin to walk in the light of that love. In doing so, not only do we find grace for ourselves, but we can also extend that grace to those around us.
[1] Rock, pg.122
[2] Rock, pg. 127
[3] Rock, Pgs. 128-130
About the Author
Linda Mendez
12 responses to “The Hamster Wheel: How do I get off? ”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Linda, I am so sorry that you became so unwell and exhausted. As I was writing on my own blog replies just now, its become a theme that I think several of us have admitted, that we can struggle with the irritation of our human limitations.
As mums who are always juggling the central demands of our children and family life along with work- I think we do incredibly well. It is also a sad reality in our world that when our body speaks to others of our stress, it can be taken seriously, but if we express it through words, its not often acknowledged in the same way. Language can be limiting when we try and express the severity of stress or overwhelm, which then often emans some of us just carry on regardless.
I hope you are having some time off soon? And well done and look after yourself. Apparently none of us can do all that our hearts want to…
Betsy,
Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtful reflection, it truly means a lot. You’re absolutely right; there’s something deeply frustrating about bumping up against our human limits, especially when our hearts are so full of good intentions and responsibilities we care about. As mothers, it’s often second nature to just “push through,” even when our bodies and minds are clearly waving red flags.
Thank you again for your encouragement, it’s a gift. And yes, maybe it’s time we start being a little gentler with ourselves. None of us were meant to do it all, this program has definitely been a reminder of that.
Linda, thank you for this post. I have some hot tears behind my eyes because I feel like someone understands me, someone’s else gets it. I relate so deeply to what you wrote, I feel raw and exposed. These weeks have been dotted with some physical sickness for me it has been a lot more my mental struggles. I can’t seem to think or feel right and I’m in a constant game of switching meds to figure out the right combination. Which usually lacks getting good sleep which only makes the cycle worse. Work has been a sh*t show- I have been in and out of psyche wards with clients, on late night calls to prevent suicide, rushing to the hospital because of a fentanyl overdose, breaking up fights, talking people out of self harming and giving me their weapons, police reports, theft and I can go on and on. How did I get on this hamster wheel and how do I get off? My body feels a constant weight on my chest, anxiety coursing through my body and not a clear thought to be had. Thank you for putting your’s out there, because it affected mine.
You so graciously lead into Rock’s book with a comprehension and application that such stressful and exhausting seasons can allow.
I think of Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 4: 8, “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.” This is not at all a balm of healing, but a word that that speaks to being understood by a God as we have our mortal flesh die.
Jess,
Being so open has been scary because my thoughts have led me to believe I was in this boat alone. Im sorry that you have felt that way, I hope you know that you are always in my prayers. What you do every day to show up for people and display His love through your care for them must take a lot out of you emotionally and physically. You are carrying the burdens of others while carrying your own; you my friend, are a champion! As I read your words, and ponder how to get off the hamster wheel myself, I find solace in the words found in Matthew 11:28: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Jess, He will give us rest. Rest will come. May we continue to seek His grace as it comes! sending hugs and prayers your way.
Linda-
Thank you for such a personal and meaningful post. You have no idea how helpful this is.
My wife, Michaela, is also a doctoral student. Only her thesis remains, yet her health has resulted in an inability to think clearly on many days. Her advisor, Dr. Nijay Gupta, has been incredibly accommodating and encouraging. Still, not meeting self-imposed expectations is depressing. I think you share that last bit with her.
I mentioned Rock’s book to her when I read it and again after reading your post. The last thing I want to do is give a doctoral student another book! Your Brain at Work will go downstairs to a more prominent location once I’m done with our syntopical essay.
Your fifth reappraisal is insightful. He declares us worthy. Spring is here and the verse that has been stuck on my mind (some would call this meditation!) is Matthew 6:30, “And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you.”
No question. Lots of encouragement. As I paused to pray for you, my mind turned toward asking that you can enjoy rather than endure. I pray that the interactions you have at home, church, and school are life-giving, not stressful.
Rich, thank you for your prayers. I will keep your wife in mine as well as she runs this last part of her doctoral race.
If He cares for the flowers, why wouldn’t He care for me!!!
Linda,
Thanks for the transparency. I will continue to pray for healing and rest. I had no idea how extreme this was for you when I reached out recently, but I could sense something through our group chats.
Rock’s book reset me. I believe that leading from the heart can eventually lead to tiredness, exhaustion, and illness if there are no guardrails. The result is that you lead others from a much worse place than is desirable.
It is ok to say no, but it might not be an easy response.
The other aspect tied to this position is that it likely doesn’t take place overnight. It is a gradual migration to a framework that isn’t conducive to being a healthy and prosperous parent, leader, or family member.
The challenging aspect of reappraisal is this slippery slope that individuals have been through “worse,” it is just another leg in the journey. We simply write it off and move forward onto the next thing. That can lead to traps and unhealthy outcomes. I am guilty of that tenfold. Jesus has taught me to hold these moments much more loosely than I would have in the past.
Michael, I so appreciated you reaching out privately to check on me. The fact that without me saying anything you have had the emotional intelligence to pick up on it and reach out is a sign of what a great leader you must be. This current walk of life I am in has brought up a lot of hurdles but in-spite of them, I feel blessed and optimistic. As you mention in your comment, change doesnt take place overnight, you have to constantly work at it and its very easy to slip back into old habits and allow the negative voices to take over, this process has been a great reminder that checking items off a list and simply surviving isn’t living. I have to depend on Christ and lean on His understanding. I have other trust that if He has deemed me worthy and capable, I must be.
Dear Linda,
I find that our limitations often remind us of our need for Christ. I expect that we all reach those moments of being confronted with them–I know I do. Leadership is costly, and we cannot afford to do it on our own strength.
So, I pray that the Spirit of Jesus, whose burden is light, will give you rest as you come to him and learn from him.
May this Easter season be a fresh reminder for you of God’s unlimited grace, and that it would overflow within you so that you can have grace for yourself.
You are absolutely right Joff, not even Jesus did His ministry alone, He invited 12 to do it with Him and yet we often forget that piece. This process of going back to school has not only forced me to lean on others but it’s been a great reminder to lean on Him every day.
Linda,
Thank you for sharing your experience. It is so easy to slip into the a place where the demands of life are everywhere. Last year my counselor pointed out Matthew 11:28–30 in the Message Translation. There is something special about the way they translated that passage. I printed it in fancy font, framed it, and now have it on my desk. It is a great reminder that I was demanding things of myself that Jesus did not demand. Praying with you for physical healing and healthy life balance.
Darren, thank you for the encouraging words. “Walk with me and work WITH me.” A great reminder, we cannot, nor should we try to do it alone. I am definitely re-learning that throughout this process.