Approved and Sacrificed
Reading Leading Out of Who You Are[1] by Simon P Walker was life changing. I found myself moving through reflecting on profound truths, tears, self-awareness, inner healing and my identity in Jesus. The undefended leader, who has deliberately chosen weakness and true self-sacrifice,[2]is the kind of leader I want to be.
To become an undefended leader, I must go through the experiences of struggle and suffering that reveals and exposes my true intentions, motivations and integrity. Moral courage comes through the experiences of sacrifice and loss.[3] When I was years into living in the Middle east with 3.5 little children, I entered the darkest night of the soul as I deteriorated into severe exhaustion, panic and depression. I had spent the years before working hard, spending countless hours to prove to my team, but mostly to myself, that I was enough. I had the ideal image of a strong, tireless and efficiently competent leader that I was trying to be. I wasn’t, and the “cognitive dissonance” created self-doubt and self-disgust of who I was compared to who I thought I should be.[4] It was here, for the first time that I had to stare at the emotional wounds that were left untreated and still festering since my childhood. I was trying to find my worth by meeting everyone else’s needs and denying my own, only to find I was selfishly just trying to fill my own unmet emotional needs.[5] This was a process of formation that had me wrestling with my deepest inner self.[6] I was climbing the hostile mountain, competing with my teammates and sacrificing[7] indiscriminately until my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual self, gave out.
I came to realize the roots of my defended self.[8] As I read Walker’s chapter on the adapting ego[9], I literally cried. Through that hard season, light was shown on the ugly self-deception of me striving for my own sense of worth and identity[10], disguised as endlessly sacrificing for others. In my ministry for God, my life “become a daily penance, an observance of a duty of gratitude, burdened by a perpetual feeling of guilt for what was done for [me]. When the death of Jesus is understood in this way, the gospel of life becomes just another kind of slavery.” I was so prideful to think I could earn my way to God, and I was severely spiritually broken. Worship songs and Bible reading became the source of dread and panic attacks. Now, years later, I still find myself falling into the adaptive pattern. I’ve received a lot of healing and have grown deeply in knowing who I am in Christ, but still see the deeply rooted adapting ego popping out at times.
Freedom came through Christ rooting my identity in him. I could never imagine I was accepted as I am and approved of. Other than my relationship with my grandma, I never felt that growing up. I paused and spent time in this chapter “The Freedom to Fail: Locating the Source of Approval”, especially pages 150-53. I remembered and felt the God who knows and unconditionally loves me. It is still so hard for me to believe there is a God who is for me, smiling and delighting in me. Only in my relationship with Jesus have I found acceptance as I am, I can’t even accept myself as I am. The security and love come through the intimate attachment to him freeing me to be who he made me to be.
The struggles I have experienced, have built in me a sincere authenticity and vulnerability even for the impression managed[11] front stage. Leading up to my dark night, I didn’t even realize I was only presenting the version of myself I wanted others to see, fearing rejection if I showed my true self[12]. The authenticity now comes from a place of security not based on the opinions of other. I don’t have to have full trust of the audience[13] to be me because they don’t give me my worth and acceptance (most of the time). I do not have to be a slave to my performance[14]. As I grow in leadership, I trust and respect myself more. I can sometimes believe that what I have to offer people may be of value.[15] I am learning the freeing ability to say no and to own my limits and boundaries.[16] I’m releasing responsibility that I should never taken hold of.
Walker’s concepts of leading in true self-sacrifice by enabling other’s skills, calling and understanding the times in which they live,[17] is a beautiful pattern I want to hold. The following quote is what I hope people that I work and minister with, will one day say about me,
“She doesn’t seek to be the most competent person on her staff; she doesn’t seek, or need, to be the expert. Instead, she seeks to gather around herself capable, skilled people who she can then develop further. She releases the gifts in others, through her trust, her support, her encouragement and inspiration.”[18]
[1] Walker, Simon P. Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership (The Undefended Leader Trilogy Book 1) Oxford. Piquant. Kindle Edition 2007
[2] Walker 12
[3] Walker 23
[4] Walker 31
[5] Walker 32, 34
[6] Walker 24
[7] Walker 36-7
[8] Walker 89
[9] Walker 120
[10] Walker 127
[11] Walter 43
[12] Walker 44
[13] Walker 54
[14] Walker 147
[15] Walker 158
[16] Walker 159
[17] Walker 233
[18] Walker 227
About the Author
Jess Bashioum
9 responses to “Approved and Sacrificed”
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Who would have thought that required reading could be so life-giving! Did Walker help you with a threshold concept, or is his book a culmination of a variety of sources over time?
That last quote is a call to be an undefended leader of leaders. How does this view of leadership equip you as a chaplain?
I would say the book is a culmination of sources throughout my history more than a threshold concept. Though, the principles of this book are ones I need to continually come back to and remind myself of. As I plod along, I somehow forget to stay in these truths and am deeply affected when reminded of them. It feels like the struggle with the flesh and the spirit.
So many years I thought that the only way I could be good enough for God was if I was the most competent, hardworking and self- sacrificing person in the room. To remind myself that none of this is actually what God desires, instead, to love and release others to become who they are made to be is the intention.
It is not hard for me to see gifts in people and empower them, especially when my focus isn’t on how I am perceived or if I am performing well. In my chaplaincy, I feel a heavy burden lifted off me when I realize I am not responsible to do it all, but can lead both staff and participants to be the leaders of their own lives. So much of what I do is deeply listen, discover who a person or community really is and inspire them towards the path of transformative growth. This often involves a lot of deep inner work and self awareness practices. I don’t get to gather around me skilled people but am given a group of people that I can walk alongside to get further on their journey, knowing there is ability in everyone to change and grow.
Another beautiful post, Jess. I appreciate your authenticity and openness in how this reading has applied to a sensitive area of your history and identity. You are a courageous writer!
I’m interested in the specific ways you choose to respond to “limits and boundaries” that you face. What thinking or spiritual/emotional practices do you find useful in combatting these aspects of false identity?
Great question Joff. I intentionally slow myself down by stopping what I’m doing, getting alone, being still and asking myself what I am feeling. I then take time to speak Godly truth- usually scripture or listening to a soft song. This is very hard for me, since I naturally go, go, go with thoughts and feelings flying by. The nature of my personality and work is constant interruption and bouncing from thing to thing. I am trying to manage that better and be okay with not always immediately responding to everything.
The lie I lived with so long is that meeting everyone’s needs is what God requires of me. It is my duty to take on the responsibilities around me to live a life worthy of the Lord. To do anything less is selfish and sinful. As I aged and experienced insomnia, anxiety and depression, I could not keep up- I was constantly falling short. I had to come to grips with my limitations and trust that God wasn’t angry or disappointed with me, instead he was tender and loving.
Contemplation on the love of God and silent wonder of his creation have become my spiritual practices now. I’m trying to learn to “practice the presence of God” as Brother Lawrence exampled, learning to find him in every second of the day and all the daily activities of my life.
Jess, this post was tender, insightful, and professionally written. Thank you for sharing this with our community. I love this question from Joff and your response. Contemplation on love and the practice of presence and slowing are wonderful responses to the constant interruptions.
I just wanted to drop one more tiny little pocket-sized size book for this practice – Letters by a modern mystic by Frank Laubach. Very similar to brother Lawerence but in my opinion …..better.
Christian, that you for the book recommendation, I have ordered it!
Wow, Jess. Thank you for your vulnerable post. That journey was not easy for you, and you unpacked that in this post. I can see you’ve done the hard work to come to this place in your life, Jess. The Dark Night of the Soul is such a sacred journey and dark time of feeling alone and not understood. I’m humbled by your story.
I just have one simple question. After reading this book and the extra resources you now have, What would you say to your younger self as a mentor and coach to her?
This is a wonderful post, Jess. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights. I am intrigued by the idea of being an enabler of others; and the intentionality behind it. Do you think we can work to be the best at what we do and still (equally) enable others to become their best?
Jess,
I always enjoy your blogs, your essays are deeply reflective and vulnerable. In this weeks blog you share not just the struggles you’ve encountered, but the powerful lessons you’ve learned along the way. You beautifully express the tension between striving to be a strong leader and realizing the need for authenticity and self-acceptance. Thank you for sharing.